(c) 1987 Mattel Inc, Cannon Films, Warner Home Video
A Jimmy Hendrix song blares as Kevin approaches his friend Charlie’s music shop while shouting his name. They greet each other in a really lame, 80s hipster kind of way, and Kevin gets out the “synthesizer” to show his friend, who’s name is in neon above them. Charlie claims to have seen one before, that it’s Japanese. Kevin says its not, and tells him to touch the actuator button, which sets it off with lights and spinning forks, and is also probably alerting Skeletor to their location. Outside, two police cars go racing by, alarms blaring, but barely noticed.
Kevin rambles on, but a third car finally catches Charlie’s attention. He picks up a conveniently handy police scanner and discovers the high school auditorium is on fire. Kevin gets there fast-as-fuck and finds the janitor being hauled out in a stretcher. Kevin asks him what happened, and all he says is, “you don’t want to ever know”. Kevin starts asking around frantically about Julie when Mr. Strickland, Marty McFly’s archenemies in Back to the Future, tells him they found no one else, only this burnt-to-a-crisp thing that used to be Julie. Finally the cop takes down a description of Julie. Then when Kevin gets lippy, he hauls him to the squad and throws him in the passenger seat to go look for July.
Nearby, He-Man is walking with Julie to go find the Cosmic Key which she confirmed having had possession of. They run into Man-At-Arms and Teela. As they stand there and talk, an old, pink car comes swerving haphazardly around the corner with Gwildor behind the wheel. As it would happen, he took a broken down combustion engine and made it run on “neutrinos” now, “no hydro-carbons needed.” They all pile in and he activates the thing, which goes speeding off at break-neck speed.
Back in Eternia, Skeletor is cradling Evil-Lyn’s face in his hands. He asks her, calmly, why there is still resistance. Surely, the people must know that he will come to rule. Evil-Lyn answers, just as doped-sounding, that the people believe He-Man will return to save them. Then Skeletor’s mercenaries enter, returned from having failed their mission. They fudge the story a little and tell Skeletor that they encountered the Eternians and were out numbered. So, they escaped home to gather more forces. Skeletor ain’t having it and totally zaps Saurod into oblivion.
Beastman throws himself at Skeletor’s feet and Karn swears that they live only to serve Skeletor and carry out his wishes. Evil-Lyn pipes up in the mercenarie’s defense, so Skeletor shoves her over to them and tells her that she can accompany them, then. Evil-Lyn says she was not suggesting that she go with these foul failures. “Then you should not have spoken. Leave immediately!” Skeletor says. When they arrive and find the resistance, he will send forces to help them.
Back on Earth, Kevin has arrived at Julie’s house with Mr. Detective Spalding Lubic. He sees the lights are on and suggests she’s home. Even though Kevin tells him that they leave those lights on to scare off burglars, Detective Lubic decides to break in. She’s not there, but the phone rings and it’s her, Julie. Kevin pretends like it’s just some random person because Lubic is breathing down his neck. Julie catches on and gets him to answer yes or no questions like, “do you still have that thing?” He says, “mmm-hmm”, then she hangs up just before Lubic snatches the dead receiver from him.
Lubic figures out he was talking about the Cosmic Key, picks it up and starts asking about it. Kevin says it’s a synthesizer and tells Lubic how to use it. He immediately starts carelessly pushing buttons on it with gleeful mischief. “I don’t think this is any synthesizer,” Lubic says. On Earth, Evil-Lyn has arrived. She uses a scanner that allows her to see what happened in the past – He-Man, and only He-Man – fighting the mercenaries, along with the lone human girl. Evil-Lyn busts the mercenaries’ balls about the “armies” they claimed to have beaten them earlier.
In his apartment, Kevin pops some ribs in the microwave while he continues talking to Detective Lubic. From outside, Evil-Lyn’s goon picks up the interference from the microwave on his video monitor and he’s trying to spy on them while tracking them. He blows up the microwave remotely because of the interference. Lubic has had enough, so he takes the Cosmic Key. Kevin finally admits he found it, but that Charlie will back him up that it’s a synthesizer. Lubic says he’s going to find out what it is, but until then, he’s keeping it. Kevin protests that Lubic can’t just take it, failing to realize that he, more or less, admitted that it’s stolen property to a detective.
After the detective has left, Kevin puts a bunch of Burger King into the sink and wipes down his cutting board counter. As he’s wiping it down, his back door explodes and Beastman comes running in. Kevin yells, “Get out of here!” repeatedly and throws his rag at Beastman. Beastman kicks his ass until Evil-Lyn calls him off and puts a mind control collar on Kevin. As every one else tears all the furniture apart, Evil-Lyn asks him questions about the Cosmic Key. Kevin tells them that the cop took the Cosmic Key. Karn returns with a photo of Julie and explains that’s the girl that was with He-Man. They load up into their flying swamp boat and fly off to track the Cosmic Key from the air.
Just as they leave, the pink hero-mobile pulls up. He-Man, Julie, Man-At-Arms, and Teela storm into Kevin’s apartment. Man-At-Arms and He-Man take advantage of the mind control collar to find out what happened to the Cosmic Key, then they take it off. As soon as they do, Kevin flips out and holds a chair up in defense against He-Man. Julie uses her laser pistol to shoot the chair to pieces. She tells him to chill out because they’re her friends. Kevin is freaking the fuck out. He keeps babbling and screaming about “these things” coming in here. He really is handling this much more poorly than Julie did, Jesus. Somebody give him a Xanax! Just then, that freaky little guy Gwildor comes forth wearing a wacky hat and sunglasses. All the Eternians crack the fuck up, but Kevin looks like he’s going to puke.
So, they all head off to Charlie’s music store because that’s where Detective Lubic was going. Inside Charlie’s, Lubic is asking Charlie about the Cosmic Key, because Kevin said he would know about it. Lubic is seriously concerned that it’s Russian. Just then the pink hero-mobile pulls up. Lubic turns to watch them through the window and says, “What do you know? The mountain comes to Mohammad.” Then the wackiest crew gets out and heads inside. “Something tells me I’ve been looking for you all night,” Lubic says to He-Man. He-Man asks for their device back, so Captain Lubic pulls his gun on He-Man.
Man-At-Arms tries to reason with him, but he hasn’t seen Back to the Future, so he doesn’t know what dick the guy is. Gwildor bursts in and announces that something is after them. He-Man orders everyone into the back, and though he resists, Teela gets Lubic to follow her. He-Man and Man-At-Arms cover the front while Gwildor starts working with the Cosmic Key in the back. Kevin gets all up in his business wanting a full explanation of what Gwildor is doing. Gwildor explains that “the universe is music,” then goes back to hitting keys.
Up front, He-Man and Man-At-Arms are hiding behind a big pile of amps when the troops burst through the front windows. They start firing, blowing all the troops away. More advance and more fall. In the back, Teela is bothering Gwildor, wanting to know how much longer he’s going to be. Gwildor is pissed. He doesn’t know how long it’s going to take, shit, just let the fucking artist work. Man-At-Arms throws a grenade and destroys even more instruments and soldiers. Instruments are on fire as the battle wages on. Lubic gets in Teela’s head about the battle going on, so she gives Kevin the .38 and heads up front to lend a hand.
Lubic demands that Kevin give him the gun, but he refuses telling Lubic he heard what Teela said, this isn’t a game! Lubic goes on a rant about how he’s going to throw Kevin in jail when this is all over. Julie gets distracted and looks out back and sees her mother wandering down the alley. It’s obviously just Evil-Lyn using her magic to trick Julie, having seen the article Karn found about her parents plane crash, but Julie is fooled. Her mom mimes the shush-mouth. As Detective Lubic wrestles Kevin for the gun, Julie sneaks out. Her mother claims it’s really her, and she faked her death because they were doing secret work. She tells Julie the work has to do with the Cosmic Key, and asks Julie to get it for her. RED FLAG.
Inside, Kevin, Charlie, and Lubic are wrestling when Gwildor recovers the gun and fires it. He tells everybody to knock it the fuck off, because he’s got work to do. Kevin notices Julie is missing, when she steps back inside and says, “Would you believe it, they’re alive!” She snatches the Cosmic Key and runs it outside to her “mom”. Her mom hugs her then turns back into Evil-Lyn and says, “Thank you darling.” Julie screams in horror – repeatedly – as Evil-Lyn flees with the key. The troops set fire to the music shop and vacate. Man-At-Arms pops out, ready to blow them away, and finds the place empty and flaming.
Gwildor calls He-Man to the back and indicates the key is out back. Julie shouts, “That woman took the key!” They all take off after her. Out front, Lubic asks for a gun. Charlie gets a shotgun out from under the counter and gives it to him. Lubic orders him to stay put in the flaming music shop and Charlie agrees. Idiot. Lubic runs out front with the shotgun and orders the troops to freeze. They fire at him with lasers as he ducks behind a car and decides he’ll need back up.
Out back, Evil-Lyn is using the Cosmic Key to open a portal back to Eternia with the spare key. She punches in a key sequence that sounds like church bells so Skeletor and can transport his troops in. The portal opens and He-Man hurries everyone into the ally for cover. All kinds of soldiers come in on little Green Goblin-like gliders, until Skeletor floats in on his hover-throne. He contacts Evil-Lyn and she confirms that she has the key. She also tells him the native Earthlings are idiots and easily controlled, and that He-Man is on the run.
We end here for the week, on a cliffhanger. Skeletor and his army have arrived on Earth. Will he gain the power of Castle Grayskull? Will he become the master of not only Eternia, but also of Earth, and even the universe? Or will the forces of good, led by a shirtless, leather strapped muscle-man be able to save both of their worlds, along with the universe, from Skeletor’s reign?
…to be continued