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First of all, I’m pretty sure that’s not how the expression goes. It’s “like father, like son” Second, I’m not really sure who this episode is going to be about. Probably Teela, but we don’t know who her father is, only that her mother is the Sorceress and Man-At-Arms adopted her. But then, I don’t know who else it would be about. Anyway, we open on Snake Mountain where Skeletor is fingering some kind of ruby while Trap Jaw sits on his lap. After they’re done trading palm snakes, Trap Jaw advises Skeletor that the army is ready.
Over at the Palace, Man-At-Arms has invented a rope-shooting gun! Oh, special! Seriously, what the fuck use is a gun that shoots fucking ropes. Well, they use it to tie Orko up with it for starters, so maybe it’ll win me over after all. It’s enough to impress King Randor, anyway. He even thinks He-Man might have a use for it. What the fuck for? He has a magical sword and the most powerful muscles in the universe. Orko easily escapes from the thing on account of being an amputee elf and all, so they go back to the drawing board with the thing while I shed a tear over Orko having escaped.
Before Man-At-Arms and Teela get very far in adjusting the rope-shooting gun, the Sorceress flies overhead in her Falcon form. Prince Adam says he’s late for his mani-pedi and runs off to go turn into He-Man and meet up with her. He walks into a rare grove of trees and coaxes Cringer out of hiding using a jar of peanut butter. Then, before Cringer can run away, He-Man whips out his sword, says his magical chant and rapes Cringer’s will with its mystical powers.
Recycled animation sequence later, He-Man rides off to Castle Grayskull. Which doesn’t make any sense because, with the exception of the time that he turned in mid-air and they cheated and cut the sequence down, he teleports to Castle Grayskull every time he changes, so why wouldn’t he just stay there instead of teleporting back? Anyway, the Sorceress informs He-Man that he needs to go to the old abandoned Stardeeka fortress, where Skeletor and Trap Jaw are assembling an army.
Back at the Palace, Man-At-Arms and Teela are still fucking around with this stupid rope-shooting gun when He-Man shows up uninvited, then has the nerve to call Man-At-Arms by his given name, Duncan. How disrespectful! You address an active-duty military man by his title, prick! He-Man reveals the newest plot that Skeletor is hatching. When Teela wants to go with, Man-At-Arms tells her that she’s better served working on the worthless rope-shooting gun. And here she thought she had been making progress for her gender, but she’s not even close to the glass ceiling of misogyny that is so rampant in Eternia.
Skeletor watches Man-At-Arms, He-Man and Battle Cat approach in flying crafts via his handy video staff, and mocks them saying, “Blah, say, blah. You think you and your friends can stop me”? You know, for someone who fucking fails at everything that he does, he sure is pretty fucking full of himself. We discover that the “army” that Skeletor is assembling is literally being assembled. He has a “serpentoid” processing operation at the old abandoned Stardeeka fortress and is blasting blocks of steel into the unimpressive robot serpentoid army. Yeah, this plan has “winner” written all over it. Even more ludicrous is that Skeletor actually says that his strategy is to have Beast Man lead them to victory. Really? He’s a drunk! This is going to be about as successful as the Titanic’s maiden voyage, I can already tell.
In Man-At-Arms’ workshop, Teela summons Orko to come rub some ointment on her chapped clam. While he’s at it, she bitches and moans about how she has to pee sitting down, doesn’t have the right to vote, isn’t allowed to fight against Skeletor, and on and on. She really has a whole laundry list. Orko doesn’t hear a word because he gets so worked up applying her vagisil while staring at her tits that his eyes go bonkers and he can’t think. Despite how creepy it is, Teela’s eyes lower to half-mast as she orgasms.
The kinky antics continue as she talks Orko into letting her tie him up with the rope-shooting gun again. Now it’s supposedly stronger and escape proof. She gets him all tied up and starts tickling his stumps, which really drives him wild. Indeed, the rope-shooting gun does work better now and Orko can’t escape. Teela wonders off to go wash her hair, leaving him all tied up.
He-Man and Man-At-Arms show up at the old abandoned Stardeeka fortress, and are puzzled because they don’t see anything nefarious going on. Before I can remind him that it is an old, abandoned fortress, one of the orbs atop the many spires that adorn the fortress blasts at them with electricity. Beast Man commands a pink dragon to double up the assault from the spire’s orb, really giving the good team something to chew on. Not surprisingly, the dragon takes off with Man-At-Arms’ rickety old ass because it’s just that easy.
The Dragon drops Man-At-Arms right at Beast Man’s feet, which, unfortunately, causes Beast Man to make an awful pun, complete with slurred speech. Man-At-Arms pulls an Indiana Jones and whips out a gun and tries to simply blast Beast Man. But one of the serpentoids knocks the gun from his hand before Man-At-Arms can manage to put a few holes in his chest.
Turns out the whole kidnapping Man-At-Arms thing is just a distraction for He-Man and all part of the plan. While He-Man his rescuing Man-At-Arms, Skeletor and Trap Jaw will be unleashing their robot serpentoid army on the palace. Battle Cat grows a brain and growls about how the empty fortress doesn’t make any sense. But, as He-Man is more muscle and less brains, he goes in anyway. When he does, he’s greeted by one of the serpentoids, and they immediately embrace in an ungodly mashing of man parts and machine parts.
Next, He-Man literally asks the machine if it would like to dance. But, it’s a trick and he takes hold of its arm, hurling it into a rock wall to its demise. Sadly, these serpentoids don’t possess any semblance of A.I., so I can’t add this to He-Man’s murder count. If they were androids, I would be all over it. Bummer. That would have been quite a number of additional kills. Another one attacks, but Battle Cat easily takes it out. See, I knew this was an idiotic plan. A robot army is far to easy for He-Man to smash. Even Battle Cat is having an easy time of it. What Skeletor needs is an army of innocent, brainwashed villagers. Then I bet He-Man would be reluctant to beat them into bloody pulps.
Trap Jaw releases a dozen more serpentoids on He-Man and Battle Cat, and then a dozen more, and all of them fall to He-Man’s mighty fist. It’s so easy that He-Man starts playing games and bowls (a game his Earthling mother told him about, apparently) over another dozen of them with a giant boulder. But they just keep coming. That makes a lot of sense because the goal is to distract He-Man. So that the serpentoid army he’s smashing at the site of their production can take over the palace, which is elsewhere. Right.
Beast Man observes from on high atop his pretty pink dragon as Teela arrives on one of the little flying jet-skis. She tosses the “laser-lasso” down to He-Man shouting, “He-Man, the laser-lasso works now”. Except that HE-MAN wouldn’t know what the fuck it is because it was PRINCE ADAM that was hanging out while they tested it earlier, and Teela does not know that He-Man and Prince Adam are the same person. Well, it doesn’t matter much because, 1) It’s the stupidest fucking invention ever, and 2) Beast Man swoops by on his pretty pink dragon and scoops it up before He-Man has a chance to catch it.
Disappointingly, but not exactly unexpectedly, Beast Man, the drunken ass, bungles the deal and accidentally lassos his owns hands together, promptly dropping the device into He-Man’s sweaty palms. Also disappointingly, He-Man uses it to lasso together a little squadron of the serpentoids, then quickly lassos up all the rest of them, proving the laser lasso to actually have been useful.
Because he’s fucking brilliant, He-Man surmises that Skeletor must be mass producing these serpentoids, and suggests that Teela find the source and stop the production by freezing it with her freeze ray, which is built into her gauntlet. Jesus. It seems like a freeze ray would be a hell of a lot more useful than a lasso ray, but I guess the writers feel like they need to continue to come up with idiotic inventions to impress the kiddies. Trap Jaw, who had been trying to cut the ropes that bind Beast Man, gets all pissed off and screws on his blaster attachment so he can pop a cap. But it takes too long and Teela just freezes them too.
Skeletor appears on a screen and chastises his two lackeys for failing, implying that if he were there, somehow things would have gone according to plan. Skeletor causes Trap Jaw and Beast Man to be teleported to Snake Mountain and, trying to drag out the whole “distracting He-Man” part of the plan, mocks He-Man and Teela and challenges them to try and find Man-At-Arms. He-Man conveniently whips out a life-force scanning device from under the breast plate of his harness and starts scanning the room.
He-Man picks up a signal and smashes through a wall which, according to Skeletor, caused the self destruct mode on their serpentoid operation to be turned on. OK, but Skeletor’s plan was to use his serpentoid army to take over Eternia. But now, it is frozen to a halt, AND the self destruct mode has been set. Even if He-Man is distracted, how does Skeletor plan to take over the land? He is such a fucking asshat. But it doesn’t really matter, because He-Man finds Man-At-Arms chained up just inside the opening.
Conveniently, the self destruct mechanism is located right next to where Man-At-Arms is restrained, and He-Man just picks it up and lofts it out of the superfluously located opening at the top of the mountain chamber they are in. It explodes harmlessly in the air without any of the thrilling dismemberment and destruction I was hoping for.
With only a minute and thirty seven seconds left to go in the episode, which includes the closing credits, the victory music plays (just an quieter, instrumental version of the He-Man theme), but He-Man interrupts to announce there is one more thing to take care of before this week’s moral lesson. And that is to dismantle the serpentoid production operation. But we don’t get to see that at all because the episode is running out of time.
So instead, we cut to the palace where Teela is explaining to Man-At-Arms about how she got the lasso ray working and delivered it to He-Man all by her big girl, day-saving self, which is I guess where the episode gets its title. I would like to argue that it at least should have been called, “Like Adoptive Father Like Adoptive Daughter”, because, lets face it, he’s not her real dad. Good thing too, with the way he ogles her sometimes. Anyway, maybe they could name an episode relevant to what the actual episode is about for once, because this wasn’t really about Teela all that much.
Time for this week’s moral, again presented by Teela! That’s three in a row! She’s going to start getting a little full of herself if they keep this up. I think this week’s moral is going to be about how tying or chaining people up is great, kinky fun! Instead it’s some ridiculously convoluted message about how you should do what you parents tell you to do, even though Teela didn’t and she saved the day, and even though your parents aren’t always right, you should do whatever they say anyway. She even gives this sassy little wink at the end. Yeah, that’s not confusing to kids at all. Maybe if this show had better writers, there wouldn’t be a generation of insubordinate, self-important pricks like me running around!
He-Man murder count: 6 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Sheimer: Ordo, Trap Jaw, King Randor
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Santanaonfire: About the AuthorI am not a Santana fan. I'm not NOT a Santana fan, I just know nothing about his music. Except that he did a song with Rob what's-his-face from Matchbox 20 (later Matchbox Twenty - how asinine, douche-bags) and Michelle Branch (where the fuck did that chick go?). Rather, my moniker has an interesting story behind it. I'm a huge Marilyn Manson fan (along with many other bands and styles of music), and I used to be Satanonfire@mac.com. Satan on Fire was a side project Manson had back in his pre-fame days in Florida. At the time, Mac.com was $100 a year, and I didn't want to pay for it any more. I switched over to a free email provider, but Satanonfire was taken. So I just threw in an extra "a" and "n", and now I have been Santanaonfire for over a decade. In retrospect, Santaonfire might have been more fitting, as I love the visual it invokes, and Santa is just an anagram of Satan (kinda makes you think, doesn't it?). But ultimately, it wildly amuses me that I have no particular affinity for Carlos Santana, despite my chosen handle.
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