For real? This episode is called “Quest for He-Man”? My mind is spinning with the possibilities of what this episode could bring, yet my heart pounds with the heaviness of the surefire disappointment that I know it will be. Well, this episode gets right to the point as Tri-Klops and Trap Jaw are launching an attack on the royal palace.
Their lasers go “pew-pew” as they fly around. Prince Adam immediately turns into He-Man. OK, so now this already doesn’t make any sense. Is somebody questing for He-Man as in to search for him or seek him out, or is the episode about a quest on which He-Man must embark? The title of this episode is what is known as an ambiguous statement. Hopefully this will get cleared up if the writers can manage to develop a plot.
He-Man whistles for a cab and a wind raider comes near. The license plate said “fresh”, and it had dice in the mirror. But I digress. He-Man leaps out the window onto it and takes off after Tri-Klops and Trap Jaw. Orko appears beside He-Man and asks if he can tag along and give He-Man some road head. He-Man agrees to the road head, so I guess that means Orko gets to hang out.
So they get into an air battle while Orko blows He-Man. Ram Man jumps up in the air really high and knocks Tri-Klops from the sky. Man-At-Arms sticks him up with a freeze ray as Tri-Klops mutters, “Skeletor’s plan better work”. Even though He-Man was unable to shoot Tri-Klops from the sky, he is easily able to extend a hook and latch onto Trap Jaw’s sky pod and rip him out of the sky. He-Man lands and chases Trap Jaw on foot, leading him through a ring of stone. When He-Man tries to pass through it, it lights up in a fabulous pink force field, trapping him.
Orko tries to help, but Evil-Lyn chases him off with some energy bolts. Skeletor steps to He-Man and announces that he’s about to rid Eternia of He-Man’s “hated” presence forever. He chants an evil chant while he strokes off, then blasts He-Man with a really solid, steady blast of cum, right to the forehead, which is like a form of Chinese water torture. He-Man loves it and opens his mouth and tries to catch some in it. It’s so distracting that it causes He-Man to lose all his memories.
After Skeletor is done with him, he causes the pink portal that He-Man is trapped in to teleport him to some netherworld. Orko looks on from the bushes in horror as Skeletor explains to Trap Jaw and Evil-Lyn that He-Man has been teleported to the “cross-roads of all universes where he is destined to wander an alien world not knowing who he is or where he came from”. Teela, Cringer, Ram Man, Man-At-Arms and Stratos show up to hassle Skeletor and his gang. Trap Jaw tries to blast them, but Okro uses some magic and causes his gun arm attachment to shoot a “bang” flag instead.
Skeletor and Evil-Lyn totally ditch Trap Jaw and disappear. So, Trap Jaw gets captured and put into the palace dungeon where Tri-Klops is also imprisoned since Man-At-Arms caught him earlier. Man-At-Arms helpfully tells Trap Jaw not to try and chew through the bars because they are electrically charged. Man-At-Arms, Ram Man, Cringer and Orko go to consult the Sorceress about the missing He-Man. She pretty much tells them that finding the one of thousands of worlds that He-Man could have landed on is impossible.
The one thing they can try is to summon the “rider of the cosmic waves” to help them. So then this dude with beady white little eyes that travels the universe in some kind of cosmic wheelchair shows up. His name is Zodac. They ask if he can find He-Man. He’s all like, “I can’t interfere, I just watch from my lonely cosmic wheelchair”. But he gives Orko a magic wand that will work with his magic and help guide him to He-Man, which I’m pretty sure constitutes interference.
At the crossroads, He-Man comes to while laying on the ground. The first thing the brain-wiped He-Man does is moans while he humps the ground a little. I really wish you could hear the way he moans, it’s hilarious. I guess losing his memory didn’t cause him to lose his sex drive. Even with no memory, he’s probably still gay, because that’s something you’re born with. I bet Skeletor’s plan is to visit the memory-free He-Man from time to time and use him as his personal sex doll. He-Man is the Rocky to Skeletor’s Dr. Frankenfurter.
He wanders around like an imbecile with his sword waving around in his hand until some bird lady that is way stranger looking than the Sorceress shows up and chastises him because he could put somebody’s eye out the way he’s waving his sword around. She accuses him of being one of Plundor’s evil goons. She blasts He-Man’s sword out of his hand and it lodges in a tree stump. She tells him that she went easy on him this time, but if she catches him humping the ground again, she’s going to make him register as a sex offender. Somewhere, deep down inside, she reminds He-Man of someone, but he can’t place it.
He-Man explains that he doesn’t know who or where he is and the bird woman decides that she believes him because he doesn’t look like he’s from this world. She decides to take him to see if they can figure out where he belongs. This evil bunny man named Plundor, who must be a bizzaro Skeletor, is watching the bird woman and He-Man on a monitor. He’s already plotting to try and exploit He-Man somehow. I’d like to point out that He-Man does not have his sword. I wonder if he were to accidentally leave it behind in this world if he would be stuck as He-Man all the time, or if he would revert to Prince Adam and then never be able to turn into He-Man again or what. I hope we get to find out.
At Castle Grayskull, Orko and Man-At-Arms are trying to convince Cringer to go through the time corridor. It seems they have a huge challenge ahead of them because Prince Adam neglected to turn Cringer into Battle Cat before he was banished and so he’s being a giant pussy about trying to help. Anyway, they convince him to go and Ram Man, Cringer and Orko go through the time corridor to look for He-Man, which apparently means they fly through space. Orko makes this really cheesy comment to Cringer about how they probably won’t run into anything more dangerous than a rabbit.
With Zodac’s wand they easily find the planet that He-Man is on and discover his sword stuck in a stump. Ram Man reveals just how dense he is because he thinks it’s a back scratcher and doesn’t recognize it as He-Man’s power sword. Orko has Cringer sniff it to get He-Man’s scent. I don’t know how that’s going to work because he sniffs the blade where He-Man doesn’t touch the fucking thing.
Elsewhere, the bird woman, Gleedil, explains that she takes care of what few animals are left on the planet. She tells a story about how the planet, Dredus, used to be nice and green. That is until Plundor cut down all the trees and dumped sludge into the rivers. What is he, the fucking Once-ler from the Lorax? Anyway, most of the animals had to move on because of this. A fish even jumps out of the sludge river, pinches his nose and hops away. Some of the animals even died out completely.
Because the beige tiger with red stripes that Gleedil runs around with doesn’t remind him of it, He-Man stares at this picture of an extinct purple tiger, almost about to remember Cringer when these floating rabbit robots (rabbots?) crash through the images and gas them all with “sleep smoke”. They abduct He-Man and Gleedil and take them to Plundor.
On their search, Cringer walks head first into the bizzaro him. He’s all set to be totally scared of it, until Orko suggests that Cringer try to talk to him because maybe he’s seen He-Man. He babbles some nonsense at her like, “dur, duh, dum”, which is apparently the language that he speaks because Cringer reports back that He-Man has been taken by some robot.
Back at Plundor’s lair, Plundor uses several giant clocks to rouse He-Man and Gleedil like he’s the love child of Alice in Wonderdland’s Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit or something. He tries to convince He-Man that he, Plundor, is the rightful ruler of Dredus, and that he should help him become the richest creature in the universe by selling this green liquid he has that is very valuable. Really? That’s his plan to exploit He-Man? To turn him into a door-to-door salesman? This guy might actually be more stupid than Skeletor. Except that Plundor has at least conquered this world, whereas Skeletor always fails. But then, they don’t seem to have a He-Man to stop him, because Gleedil is clearly some kind of ineffectual hippie.
Outside, Cringer, the nameless bizarro Cringer, Ram Man and Orko stare at the bunny fortress trying to devise a plan to sneak in and rescue He-Man. Even though he won’t know who the fuck they are. Before they can think of anything, one of Plundor’s rabbots show up. Inside the fortress, Plundor is still trying to convince He-Man to be his salesman. He-Man may not know who he is, but he knows what Plundor wants is wrong and refuses him. Just as Plundor resolves to lock them in his dungeon forever, Ram Man smashes through the wall using the rabbot as a battering ram. So much for sneaking in.
He-Man is really confused when they address him as He-Man. He’s all like, “do I know you”? Orko tries to get him to remember home while Ram Man takes out the rabbots. Okro reflects on the Sorceress’ advice to get He-Man to think of home. He has the brilliant idea to hand He-Man his sword, instructs him to hold it aloft and recite “by the power of Grayskull, I have the power”! For some reason, even though he’s already He-Man, this works and we’re treated to the recycled animation sequence. Does he turn into double He-Man because he did the He-Man chant while he was already He-Man, or what? Anyway, now he remembers everything because he glimpsed Castle Grayskull during the recycled animation sequence. This is so stupid.
Now that He-Man remembers everything, he wastes no time in turning Cringer into Battle Cat against his will. There’s the shirtless maniac we all know and love! Yeah, Dredus doesn’t have a PETA or Humane Society or ASPCA either. One of the rabbots is about to cut Gleedil’s head off with a buzz saw when He-man unfortunately stops him. Plundor realizes that some serious shit is going down, so he pours his green potion into a rocket and blasts it off toward space. I have no idea what purpose that serves at all. He-Man jumps on it as it takes off, and as it rockets into the sky, he slams his fists down, redirecting it toward Dredus while riding it down like something out of Dr. Strangeglove.
The rocket explodes while still in Dredus’ atmosphere sending a green fog over everything. This causes all the plant life and everything to come back to life. OK fine, so I sort of get it, Plundor was going to sell that stuff for tons of money to restore the planet. He ruined the planet like creating a virus in order to sell the cure. Fine. But, I still don’t get why Plundor sent the stuff off in a rocket though. Wouldn’t that have restored the planet for free? Anyway, now all is well and Gleedil wants to fuck. He-Man politely turns her down on account of her bird face (beaks don’t give good blowjobs) and that he’s gay. Plundor is wearing classic prison stripes while he is smashing rocks as part of his sentence.
With only a minute and a half left to go, He-Man remembers that he has to settle shit with Skeletor, and do this weeks moral, and roll the end credits, which last about thirty seconds alone. This should be sloppy and convenient. So they teleport back to Eternia as a rainbow forms (awwww) over Dredus.
I’m shocked (though I shouldn’t be) to find that they don’t resolve anything with Skeletor and instead they launch right into this week’s moral which is delivered by Zodac. Seriously, I was so surprised by this (though I shouldn’t be) that I didn’t even have time to guess what this week’s moral will be! That’s a first! So Zodac tells us that Plundor is really us and we are laying waste to our planet with pollution and so we have to respect animals and plants, and that flying around the galaxy on a cosmic wheelchair sled thing is pretty fucking lonely and he wants to die, because even rainbows can’t cheer him up. The end.
He-Man murder count: 7 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man, Plundor
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Gleedil
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Tri-Klops, Zodac
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Santanaonfire: About the AuthorI am not a Santana fan. I'm not NOT a Santana fan, I just know nothing about his music. Except that he did a song with Rob what's-his-face from Matchbox 20 (later Matchbox Twenty - how asinine, douche-bags) and Michelle Branch (where the fuck did that chick go?). Rather, my moniker has an interesting story behind it. I'm a huge Marilyn Manson fan (along with many other bands and styles of music), and I used to be Satanonfire@mac.com. Satan on Fire was a side project Manson had back in his pre-fame days in Florida. At the time, Mac.com was $100 a year, and I didn't want to pay for it any more. I switched over to a free email provider, but Satanonfire was taken. So I just threw in an extra "a" and "n", and now I have been Santanaonfire for over a decade. In retrospect, Santaonfire might have been more fitting, as I love the visual it invokes, and Santa is just an anagram of Satan (kinda makes you think, doesn't it?). But ultimately, it wildly amuses me that I have no particular affinity for Carlos Santana, despite my chosen handle.
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