We open on a peaceful palace this week, as opposed to last week’s immediate all-out assault on the Palace.  Inside, Man-At-Arms, ever the fool, is inspecting some magic pyramid thing Orko has presented to him.  He opens one side and gets shit sprayed all over his face.

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Then Teela laughs that sexy laugh I liked on several episodes ago.

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Astonishingly, Man-At-Arms opens another side of the pyramid and gets hosed with piss, which causes Prince Adam to laugh like a maniac.  After swishing it around a little bit, Man-At-Arms spits the salty sea treat everywhere.  I was a little surprised that Prince Adam didn’t dive right under it, but other than that, this was definitely the best opening this show has ever had.  I have this nasty feeling that it will never be this good again.

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Orko continues his buffoonery by juggling some glowing green meteorites.  Man-At-Arms has a Geiger counter conveniently pointed at them and declares that they are dangerous.  Orko drops them and they disappear along with the trick pyramid.  Oh, my god.  When it reappears, it opens to reveal a female Orko, who is apparently into scat and water sports, judging by what came out of it before.  This is getting a little too weird, even for me.  Orko might be in for an interesting night.

 

Apparently, she’s heard of him and knows him as Orko the Great.  Oh, now I’ve heard it all.  So, it turns out her encounter with him is timely because her world is threatened by some kind of great beast, and as it would happen, they could really use the help of someone like “Orko the Great”.  So he hops on the sprawled pyramid with her and twinkles his fingers and they disappear back to her world.  Strange how it was that easy when in the Tar Swamp episode, they made it sound like he could never return to his home world.

Everyone is all pissed off that he took off all half-cocked like that.  Prince Adam clearly has a plan, which is assuredly to turn into He-Man and flex his abs at the Sorceress while she tells them how to go after Orko.  I mean, scat play will give you hepatitis.  They have to stop him.  Orko and Dree Elle, the female Orko, arrive on Trolla, Orko’s home planet.  Trolla looks like it’s made out of cotton candy and melted crayons.

 As soon as they arrive, Dree Elle shushes Orko because Dragoon might hear them.  Orko immediately starts shouting about how he doesn’t give a fuck if Dragoon hears him because he’s Orko the Great.  Orko asks what’s so terrifying about Dragoon anyway, so Dree Elle tells him that he’s this terrifying half-dragon, half-man.  For this reason, Orko is easily able to identify Dragoon standing right behind Dree Elle about ready to toss them in his mouth like popcorn.  Orko uses his magic to splash Dragoon in his face with water from a stream, then congratulates himself over it.  Yeah, good one, dude.

Back on Eternia, Prince Adam actually bothers to go all the way to Castle Grayskull before he says the magic words and activates the recycled animation sequence which turns him into He-Man.  This show makes less and less sense with each passing episode.  He-Man consults the Sorceress who has already, conveniently, made a portal to Trolla.  Except that it’s Orko sized.  So, naturally, He-Man asks if she can make him small enough to pass through it.  She resists because the portal will close at moon rise and would be too dangerous.  He-Man flexes his abs at her a few times and so she does it anyway.

So the Sorceress gives He-Man her Ben Wah ball from the Daimar the Demon episode and tells him that if he squeezes it, it will shrink him.  If he knew what that ball really was, it would probably just shrink his junk and not the rest of him.  So He-Man squeezes it and becomes small, which apparently only lasts as long as he squeezes it.  I can’t believe I continue to be shocked by the poor crafting of this show, but I am.  The writers really missed an opportunity to have a miniature He-man running around trying to slay a giant dragon.  Man, that would have been awesome.

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For some reason, when He-Man and Battle Cat emerge in Trolla, they have reverted to Prince Adam and Cringer.  Damn, is it going to be annoying having Cringer along while trying to battle a giant dragon-man.  Prince Adam gets all geeked out because Trolla’s trees and rainbows are upside down and the fish fly like birds.  While he’s drooling over the upside down rainbow, this nasty red water snake pops out of the lake and threatens them.  Prince Adam pulls his sword and tries to turn into He-Man, but it doesn’t work.  So he tries to use his fire ray, but the fire just turns to water.  Now they’re really fucked.

Prince Adam has this retarded idea to run around between some nearby trees as the snake chases him through them, and the snake gets all tangled up and knotted.  Well tickle my balls and slap me silly, it actually worked!  Oh, I get it.  Everything in Trolla is the opposite. Even Orko’s magic and Prince Adam’s retarded ideas actually work here.  I wonder if Prince Adam is straight here in Trolla?  I have a feeling that sub-plot will be another missed opportunity in this episode.


Elsewhere, Orko and Dree Elle have escaped Dragoon by hiding.  Orko is confused because he doesn’t remember Dragoon from before.  Dree Elle explains that an evil sorcerer named Skeletor sent him there.  That must be what Skeletor does in his free time – send horrific creatures to peaceful lands to wreak havoc and destruction for his entertainment as he watches on his TV monitors.  For a second I wondered if this is how Orko’s race all turned into amputees, but that wouldn’t explain Orko, since he left before Dragoon showed up.  Anyway, Dragoon finds them, so they take off and Dragoon flies after them licking his chops.

Prince Adam hears the commotion as Dragoon corners Orko and Dree Elle.  Dragoon says he isn’t going to eat them just yet, but rather take them back to his fortress to torture them slowly.  He breaths fire which casts a ring of fire around them, trapping them, even though they can fly out the sides.  Prince Adam remarks out loud at how they are trapped in a “ring of fire”, and I half expected the Johnny Cash song to start playing.  More predictably, Prince Adam uses his fire-turned-water ray to put the fire out.  Orko escapes and uses his magic for his first attempt at murder by triggering an avalanche of jagged boulders to fall on Dragoon.

Dragoon dodges them, but it’s enough to run him off.  Except that he still has Dree Elle with him, so now Orko and Prince Adam have to go rescue her.  In Dragoon’s lair, he has a dungeon with many other of Orko’s kind already stuffed into it.  He must keep them penned up so they get all soft like veal before he eats them.  Elsewhere, Prince Adam power walks to as they make their way to rescue Dree Elle.  Prince Adam is explaining to Orko that he can’t change into He-Man here, but he’s sure there is some detail he’s missing.  I feel a plot point being set up!  They arrive at Dragoon’s fortress, where, inside, Dragoon has Dree Elle and her brethren hooked up to a machine that drains their power.  The look on the pathetic creatures’ faces reminds me of The Dark Crystal when the Skeksis expose the Gelflings to that red light in order to steal their energy.

While the energy is draining out of Dree Elle and her friends inside, Prince Adam is trying to convince Cringer to come inside the fortress.  I knew that pussy was going to be a pain in the ass.  Now Prince Adam has to plead and beg with him, wasting time while the rest of Orko’s kind die a slow agonizing death inside.  Cringer finally tries to go inside, when a lizard creature tied up like a guard dog chases him back out.  He’s like, “fuck this shit – upside down trees, weird creatures, Orko’s magic works, I’m out, things are backwards here”!

In a moment that would make Gregory House proud, He-Man suddenly has this brilliant idea.  Everything is backwards, so if he says, “by the power of Grayskull” backwards, he will turn into He-Man.  Like I said, retarded ideas work in Trolla, and so, for the second time in the episode, we are treated to the recycled animation sequence as Prince Adam once again turns into He-Man.  He-Man easily subdues the lizard guard dog, then tries to subdue Dragoon with a blow job while Orko goes into the fortress to rescue everyone.  I guess even Trolla can’t overcome the craving for cock that He-Man has.

Outside, Dragoon is chucking boulders at He-Man which causes him to have to resort to his recycled punch animation sequence to survive.  Because of the repeated animation sequences as He-Man smashes boulder after boulder, Dragoon realizes that this must be the He-Man that Skeletor told him about.  Conveniently, He-Man and Battle Cat happen to be standing in front of the hole of Trolla, which never ends.  If they fall in, they will fall forever.  Dragoon throws another boulder sending Battle Cat over the edge.  Battle Cat barely manages to catch the edge before falling in.

As He-Man is helping Battle Cat back up, Dragoon picks up the biggest boulder yet, intending to knock He-Man over the edge.  Except the boulder is covered in vines which have, of course, tangled around Dragoon’s legs.  When he tosses the boulder, it pulls Dragoon over the edge with him.  Lucky for him, the vines catch on an outcropping and he cries out for help like a little bitch.  He-Man slides down the side and stands on the outcropping looking down at Dragoon.  I’m hoping that he’s just there to cut the vines, sending Dragoon to his death.  Killer, kill!

Instead, Battle Cat tosses down another vine, which He-Man ties around Dragoon.  He-Man climbs back up and hauls Dragoon to safety.  As if that vine would carry the weight of Dragoon and the boulder.  Anyway, Dragoon is all confused because He-Man risked his life to save him, whereas Dragoon would sooner lick the meat of He-Man’s bones that give him directions.  Dragoon is all like, “I can’t believe you would save you enemies”, to which He-Man tells him that, though he may be Dragoon’s enemy, Dragoon is not his.  I mean, why else would He-Man try to blow him?  Dragoon is moved in the pants a little,  but then gets all sad looking.  Dragoon resolves to be good from now on, and He-Man threatens any back slides will result in a return visit to punish him anally.

Inside the fortress, instead of using his awesome Trollivian magic to help the dying Dree Elle, he just fucking cries over her.  I have to admit, getting to see Orko cry was pretty amazing.  It really made my day!  I guess Christmas came early.  Even though it’s the 5th gif this episode, I’ll share it with you.  But just like Christmas comes and goes so quickly, He-Man gives Orko a pep talk and Orko tries his magic again and manages to reanimate Dree Elle.  I hope she’s a zombie now that she’s been reanimated from death.  He-Man chills out against a wall while Orko is busy reanimating all the other Trollives (seriously? that’s what his race is called?), inadvertently creating a zombie army of amputee elves, or Trollives, or whatever.

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While they give Orko some privacy, Battle Cat bitches to He-Man about how they only have a few minutes to escape back through the portal to Eternia.  He-Man explains to Battle Cat that they have to wait longer because Orko needs to expose his face to Dree Elle.  You see, this is something very special that Trollives do when the love eachother.  Kind of like fucking.  So, Orko shows Dree Elle his face before he goes back to Eternia.  Except we don’t get to fucking see it.  We only see Orko’s silhouette and the horrified look on Dree Ella’s face.  Judging by his shadow, he looks like Porky Pig.  She shows him her face and he totally pops a boner and says he will come back to bang her someday. But for now, they need him in Eternia so he can fuck up magic tricks for a royal court that thinks he’s a joke.

So we are supposed to be in suspense as He-Man, Battle Cat and Orko race toward the rapidly closing portal.  Back on Eternia’s side, The Sorceress has already announced that its too late when He-Man comes back through the portal.  Man-At-Arms is floored to learn that Orko actually saved his people.  He-Man asks Orko why he didn’t stay with that sweet piece of ass.  Oko says he’s afraid of getting hepatitis, and besides, he has to help He-Man defeat Skeletor repeatedly because nobody ever arrests him.

Time for this week’s moral.  I think it’s going to be about how anytime you have an opportunity to create an army of zombie amputee elves on another world, and then bolt, you should.  I think it should have been about how if you are a writer on a shitty children’s show, you shouldn’t miss all the glorious opportunities to make it interesting, like this episode, and every other episode does.  Instead, He-Man tells us it’s actually about growing up and making big boy decisions.  But sometimes those decisions are hard, so you should ask your friends for shitty advice and maybe even incompetent assistance.

He-Man murder count: 7 and 1 attempted murder.  If he doesn’t kill someone soon, I’m going to have to retire the murder count!

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam

Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle-Cat, Man-At-Arms, Dragoon

Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Dree Elle

Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trollan

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