Didn’t we meet the royal cousin a few episodes ago when that snotty bitch showed up in the swamp tar people episode? So, Skeletor is tearing Tri-Klops and Evil-Lyn a new asshole because they were supposed to bury this golden globe beneath the palace, but He-Man caught them and took their ball away. Skeletor orders them to go and get it back, since they just failed once, they can’t fail again, right?
At the palace Prince Adam is bragging to Man-At-Arms about how, as He-Man, he took the golden globe away form Skeletor’s goons and hid it in Castle Grayskull. Teela comes in and says that King Randor has a surprise for Prince Adam. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s his very own boy slave! Maybe King Randor is coming around and accepting Prince Adam’s homosexuality after all.
Prince Adam is disappointed to find out its actually his other bratty cousin, Jeremy. He didn’t recognize him because, last time he saw him, he didn’t have hair on his balls. Prince Adam tries to get out of entertaining the little bastard on account of his “royal duties” whatever the fuck those are. Prince Adam takes him down to Man-At-Arms’ lab and tries to pawn him off on him. Jeremy insolently asks if Man-At-Arms has a real name, to which he advises that his friends call him Duncan. Except I’ve only heard him called Duncan like twice, so he must not have any friends. Anyway, Jeremy shits all over the name Duncan, which is pretty cool. I think I like this kid.
Orko offers to show him some lame magic, but Jeremy immediately loses interest and starts fucking around with Man-At-Arms’ shit. He picks up a rock softener invention that Man-At-Arms just invented to turn rocky terrain into farmable soil. Fuck, they’re going to need a lot bigger rock softener if they’re going to turn anything in Eternia into productive land. Despite being warned not to fuck with it because it hasn’t been tested yet, Jeremy flips it on and blasts a table with it making a big fucking mess. Man-At-Arms is about to bitch slap his punk ass when Orko ushers Jeremy out into the hall.
He asks Jeremy why he was so mean to Man-At-Arms, and the shockingly deep answer is because adults are shit heads that don’t let him do what ever he wants all the time. In the other room, Prince Adam talks out of his nose at Man-At-Arms complaining about what a little shit he is. I think he’s just pissed because he can’t tickle his anus on account him being a relative and all. Man-At-Arms dourly predicts that this kid is going to cause some fucking trouble. Prince Adam is pretty sure he can keep the kid under wraps, but to make sure he doesn’t, Man-At-Arms demands that Prince Adam help him test the rock softener out in the fields.
Prince Adam leaves Jeremy with Ram Man and instructs him not to mess with any of the mechanical horses like the one he’s already sitting on. Jeremy sets the stakes saying that if Ram Man fails to entertain his every whim, he will tell the King that he tried to touch his twig and berries. Out in the field, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are testing the rock softener, which involves Prince Adam proving that he can’t chip a giant boulder with a mallet. Man-At-Arms then blasts the boulder with his rock softener, but it just makes the boulder all rubbery. At the palace, Jeremy decides that Ram Man sucks ass, and decides to take a sky bike for a ride. Ram Man wisely decides to jump on to the back of it and get taken for a ride.
Elsewhere, Tri-Klops and Evil-Lyn are flying around trying to figure out how to recover the golden globe. Tri-Klops is shitting his pants at what Skeletor will do to them if they don’t find it. Evil-Lyn says fuck that shit and tries to start a mutiny reminding them that they have powers they can use against Skeletor. I think she’s just salty because Skeletor never bangs her. Something tells me that if she used her magic to turn into a limp-dicked TS Skeletor would be all over her. Anyway, they spot Jeremy flying around with Ram Man hanging off the sky bike and Evil-Lyn gets an idea.
Down below, Prince Adam sees Jeremy flying one of the sleds with Ram Man hanging on for his life. Jeremy finally decides to quit fucking around and let Ram Man off, when he realizes that the landing button on the sled is stuck. Prince Adam realizes that he’s in trouble and turns into He-Man so he can save the day. That might be a record! We’re almost 10 minutes into the episode and Prince Adam is only now turning into He-Man! Not only that, but He-Man is in such a hurry, that he only subjects us to the shortened animation sequence, which has been used only once before when Prince Adam fell out of the sky. He-Man runs really fast to the top of a boulder and catches the nose of the sled. His plan is apparently to act as the front bumper when the sled inevitably runs into the bluff that is impeding their progress. It actually works out really well though, because if you look really, close, He-Man gets a face full of Jeremy’s crotch.
Evil-Lyn and Tri-Klops witness the whole thing and spy on them further from the hills. Jeremy is all stoked to meet He-Man, but He-Man gives Jeremy shit for being suck a fucktard. Somebody could really get hurt! Never mind that he just wrecked a sled and crashed three people into a mountain. Somebody could really get hurt. Finally, He-Man tells Jeremy he’s grounded. Evil-Lyn and Tri-Klops have already resolved to kidnap him when they witness the rock softener successfully turn a boulder into a pile of dust. Which is rock dust, not nutrient rich soil, but whatever.
Back at the palace, Jeremy is having a shit fit because he’s grounded. Prince Adam asks Man-At-Arms to leave them alone for a moment. He does, which seems pretty fucking negligent to me. Prince Adam tries to explain that sometimes people need each other to love them, and sometimes love hurts. He says that even He-Man needs help sometimes. Like when he wipes his ass, because he can’t actually wipe his own ass on account of those big muscles. In fact, Prince Adam explains, if Jeremy was really a big fan of He-Man, he’d let Prince Adam wipe his ass for him, just like He-Man. Understandably, Jeremy tries to jump out the fucking window.
After Prince Adam gives up trying to get into Jeremy’s pants and leaves, Jeremy sneaks out to the street market he was grounded from visiting. Jeremy gets all psyched out over this magnetic boomerang that he doesn’t have enough money for when Evil-Lyn shows up disguised in her old hag get up and pays for it. She looks exactly the same, and I’m surprised that none of the villagers remember her from several episodes back when she was inciting riots against King Randor. Anyway, Evil-Lyn tells him he can keep the boomerang if he gets in her rape van. Honestly, I don’t know why any relatives are allowed to come visit Eternia, because they always wind up almost getting killed or raped by Skeletor and his cronies. It’s really a dangerous place.
Ultimately, she agrees not to let Tri-Klops rape him if he plays a joke on Man-At-Arms by stealing his rock softener ray. Back at the palace, King Randor is asking Jeremy how his stay was before he goes home tomorrow. Jeremy is as insolent as ever when Man-At-Arms comes in and announces that the rock softener ray has been stolen. Though he doesn’t guess that Jeremy stole it, he does guess that it could only have been stolen to be used to break into Castle Grayskull. It’s amazing how he always intuits exactly what the plan is, correctly, on the first guess.
Prince Adam runs off to become He-Man, and for the third time ever, we are treated to the shortened animation sequence. I could get used to this. He-Man and Man-At-Arms take off and Jeremy follows close behind on one of the mechanical horses. At Castle Grayskull, Evil-Lyn is blasting the gate with the stone softener ray. Inside the Sorceress is trying to keep the golden globe from inexplicably growing bigger whlile the goons outside are trying to bust the door down. He=Man shows up, just as the door opens, but when it lands, it causes a big crash. The rock stoftener gets knocked off of its stand and the errant ray lands on He-Man. I hope it gives him a beer belly and turns him into a soft old slob.
Because Man-At-Arms has been subdued, he commands Jeremy to use his shiny new magnetic boomerang to retrieve the stone softener. Conveniently, it has a reverse setting, which Man-At-Arms uses to prevent He-Man from getting that beer belly I was hoping for. For now. He-Man goes after Evil-Lyn and Tri-Klops and grabs them by the scruff of the neck. I guess they did fail twice. Huh. It’s not over yet, as the Sorceress appears to He-Man and implores him to come inside because they are still in danger.
The golden globe continues to grow for no reason that has been explained yet, and the Sorceress is too weak to stop it. Only He-Man’s strength can stop it. So he lays his hands on that giant ball with the quickness. Just as inexplicably as why it was growing, it shrinks when He-Man pushes on it really hard. Then she uses her magic to raise him up to the window where he punts it into outer space.
Later, at the palace, Jeremy is actually apologizing for being such a rotten little piece of shit when Man-At-Arms tries to undo everything Jeremy might have actually learned about being responsible by telling him how good he is with his boomerang. Jeremy waves goodbye from the family wagon as Orko hollers about how he forgot his boomerang. Because this episode wasn’t stupid enough already, it ends with a lame gag about Orko throwing the boomerang to Jeremy, only to be chased by it when it returns. Now it’s time for this week’s moral.
I think it’s going to be about how you should do what ever you want, even if it means playing with dangerous untested inventions, or having gay sex with your mid-pubescent cousin, because there are never any real consequences to anything, as evidenced by this show. Instead, He-Man talks to Orko about how when kids want attention they should get it by not being noticed because its better than being an insolent piece of shit.
He-man murder count: 7 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Boomerang salesman
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Tri-Klops, King Randor, Hoverbot