As the opening credits sear my eyes for a minute and seventeen seconds I daydream about the possibilities of this episode. Could there be a siren song so powerful that it tests He-Man’s homoerotic desires? Probably not, but there’s only one way to find out! As the episode opens, I wonder how many palaces exist in Eternia as the camera pans over yet another one that we’ve never seen before.
Prince Adam, Cringer, Orko, Man-At-Arms and Teela all arrive in three separate vehicles. I hope those things are clean burning, otherwise that’s a lot of unnecessary carbon dioxide going into the air. Surely they must have a vehicle big enough for all of them. So, they are there to deliver a token of admiration to the Prime Minister of wherever from King Randor. Prince Adam foolishly allows Orko to deliver it, and so he tries to conjure it with magic instead of grabbing it from the trunk or the back seat, some such place that it must surely be kept, right? As you might have guessed, Orko fucks it up and the Prime Minister ends up holding a ragged Easter bunny reject that can only be rabid. Orko tries again and manages to produce some flowers that wilt immediately. Prince Adam then reaches up Orko’s ass and finds the medallion he was supposed to present. That is not what I meant when I said I was sure it was in the trunk. Prince Adam better hope the song of Celice is meant to turn his tide, because he’s gone over the deep end. Anal object insertion? That’s some hardcore shit, right there.
The Prime Minister gratefully sniffs the ass smell wafting from the medallion when what seems to be an earthquake rocks the palace, cracking structures like it’s the earthquake’s job. What’s that? It is an earthquake’s job. Oh, OK. Prince Adam runs off behind a large piece of concrete that passes for art to recycle some animation and turn into He-Man. What He-Man thinks he can do about an earthquake, I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter. It turns out it’s just the nails-on-a-chalkboard song of Celice. Well, I guess He-Man won’t be dipping his toe in some redheaded snatch this week after all.
It was at least distracting enough that it stops Prince Adam from recycling any animation and becoming He-Man. So, the Prime Minister fills them in on the sitch. There is some horrible monster that lives beneath the city, and if Celice doesn’t shred everyone’s eardrums all the time, he will think it’s safe to come out and wreak more havoc on the place than Celice’s songs do. It is a close second, though. Prince Adam walks with her and sympathizes with their situation, living in fear of her singing or the slightly more terrifying alternative of being eaten alive. Teela totally misreads Prince Adam’s desire to assist her and her people as sexual desire and totally gets all jealous. Adam and Teela sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes gay affairs in a station wagon! Wait, that’s not how it goes.
Not surprisingly, Skeletor is watching on his monitor. For some reason, Celice’s awful harpy sounds get him excited. He runs off to tell Evil-Lyn and Trap Jaw about this week’s harebrained plan and walks in on Evil-Lyn mummifying a Skeletor statue in rope (I guess I should have known that he has a giant statue of himself), wishing she could do that to the real Skeletor. Man, this bitch has curdled fast. She needs to get fucked in the worst way. Oh, all right, I’ll do it. You’re welcome, Skeletor. Anyway, Trap Jaw totally throws Evil-Lyn under the bus. Skeletor is too excited about Celice’s singing to get pissed and he just gives them their assignments.
In the Prime Minister’s kingdom, they all dine while Lizard Man (remember him from Episode 6 Teela’s Quest?) naps in the rock garden. Trap Jaw and Evil-Lyn show up and try to take him out. They fail and he takes off. At the dinner table, Celice is explaining that she comes from a long line of terrible singers, so she’s a natural at singing badly. Lizard Man runs in to warn them, but it’s inconsequential because Evil-Lyn shows up right behind him. She uses her fancy new rope trick to snag Celice for Skeletor. Prince Adam happened to be out on the veranda gazing empty headedly out at the land. He peeks in when he hears the commotion and sees Celice being abducted. This time he really does turn in to He-Man, complete with the recycled animation and everything. The fucking animation takes so long that Trap Jaw and Evil-Lyn are able to make off with Celice. He-Man really needs to revise his transformation procedures.
Even though she hasn’t been singing for only about three minutes, the monster beneath the city starts to break loose. All kinds of concrete structures begin to fall as the Prime Minister shits all over He-Man, cursing what can only be described as an epic fail. Since Skeletor and his crew are so ceaselessly incompetent, He-Man sends the b-team (Teela and Man-At-Arms) to rescue Celice while he, Orko and Lizard Man are going to stop the monster, Yog. This is so distressing that Orko faints into the arms of Lizard Man. I guess it’s more like Teela and Man-At-Arms are the C team and He-Man is leading the B team.
Teela and Man-At-Arms race to Snake Mountain. I guess it is a good thing they came in separate vehicles after all. Skeletor is watching on his monitor and charges a drunker than ever Beast Man with summoning some crazy animal to stop them. Beast Man laughs deliriously, his higher brain barely emerging through the haze of his drunkenness to accomplish the task he has been charged with and manages to summon a giant crawler. The giant crawler is like a crazy big millipede, which easily snatches Man-At-Arms out of the sky. Millipedes on Earth are really poisonous; I can only imagine how poisonous one must be on Eternia. This may be the end of Man-At-Arms. Beast Man commands the giant creeper to take Man-At-Arms to ice island, in the middle of the lake of fire. It’s icy-hot. It’s the best of both worlds. Did he just say funky butt lovin’? I digress.
In the caves beneath the Prime Minister’s city, He-Man uses Battle Cat to try and sniff out Yog. If I understand the threat of Yog properly, they could really just wait for him at the mouth of the cave, since he’s going to try and come out and lay waste to the land. Instead, they run off all half-cocked into the caves and run into a bunch of orcs. Yep, orcs. These things are everywhere, Middle Earth, Warcraft, and Eternia. They’re like the cockroaches of the universe!
At Snake Mountain, Skeletor is being presented with his chortling harem, but it’s not a blowjob he wants from her. His plan is to have her sing until the Sorceress’ eardrums explode, thus opening Castle Grayskull to Skeletor’s unwelcome advances. Because that makes sense. She refuses to sing, so Skeletor orders Evil-Lyn to “persuade” her. We have to wait to find out twat that means because we cut back to He-Man. I’m hoping that Evil-Lyn makes Celice eat her hair pie until she gives in.
The orcs fire their guns (since when?) at He-Man, but he deflects their blasts with his power sword. Lizard Man (whom He-Man refers to as “Lizzy”, which only a gay man would do) creates a diversion, causing them to chase after him. He dodges out of the way as the orcs run out of the cave. He-Man uses a giant boulder to block the entrance. Now they are free to look for Yog, as long as they don’t get crushed by the falling rocks Yog is causing as he gets more and more perturbed.
At Snake Mountain, Evil-Lyn has hypnotized Celice, which apparently means that her eyes turn completely white. She is now convinced that she can use her singing for evil and burst the Sorceress’ ears drums. But before they can begin, because Skeletor has failed so many times, he has implemented some quality control for his plans. He causes Celice to sing at a scale model of Castle Grayskull Skeletor carved in his spare time from a stolen castle block in order to see of she can crack it with her god-awful warbling. She sings a spooky tune that causes the model’s door to open, which must mean that it will work on the real thing. You know, I’ve launched a lot of hot wheels off of ramps through rings of fire with success, but you don’t see me trying that with my Jetta, now do you?
At the aptly named ice island, Teela looks over a vast cavern of flames in search of her adoptive old man, Man-At-Arms. Duncan, to his (no) friends. She performs a gravity-defying pole vault over the giant pit of flames to come upon Man-At-Arms fighting with the giant crawler. For the second time in the series, Teela takes out her concealed exploding anal beads. I’ll let you guess where she was “concealing” them. She uses them to blow up an ice boulder, thus taking out the giant creeper.
At Castle Grayskull, Skeletor has arrived with Evil-Lyn, Beast Man and Celice and is preparing to force Celice to sing the drawbridge of the castle open. Before she does, she sheds a single tear as she whispers her apologies to the Sorceress for the things she is about to do under duress. She begins to sing and the Sorceress appears at the top of a castle turret in her bird form. She hears the singing and is so terrified that she does a u-turn and flies in through the turret window and just about dies. From a distance, Man-At-Arms and Teela hear her song as they approach the castle as the Sorceress lay inside it, gurgling her death rattle. Damn, they got there fast. Weren’t they just in on an island of icy-hot?
Back in the caverns He-Man, Battle Cat, Orko and Lizard Man have reached Yog’s lair under the city. They are pondering whether he’s awake or not when they hear Celice’s song. Shit, that bitch is loud. Anyway, because they can hear her song, they decide that Yog must be awake. I mean, who could sleep through that racket? The Sorceress appears to He-Man and beckons him to Castle Grayskull. They figure that Yog has probably run off to follow Celice’s song so he can shove a sock down her fucking throat, so it’s probably safe to head out to Castle Grayskull.
At Castle Grayskull Evil-Lyn has concluded that the Sorceress is on her deathbed and so it’s safe to open the drawbridge. Skeletor commands Celice to open the drawbridge, but she breaks his spell and runs away. Skeletor yells, “Nobody defies me and gets away with it” and starts blasting at her with magic rays as Teela comes to her rescue. He-Man arrives just in time. Beast Man tries to take off in the aircraft, but due to his sloppy, drunken driving, He-Man easily catches him. He-Man tosses “Lizzy” through the turret window, which I’m pretty sure qualifies as midget tossing. He discovers the Sorceress unconscious at the floor, looking a little post-coital.
Battle Cat moves in on Skeletor, but he jumps over the ledge he’s being back onto and tries to run off. He-Man steps in front of him and catches him, forcing his arms behind his back. I wonder if He-Man will actually be able to arrest him or something this time. Probably not. The funniest part of the whole thing is when Skeletor calls He-Man “flesh-face”. That’s fucking funny. Just as I predicted, before He-Man can take Skeletor into custody – or corn-hole him – Yog arrives.
A giant green tentacle bursts from the ground and takes hold of Celice. Sure enough, He-Man unhands Skeletor who steals one of the sky bikes Teela and Man-At-Arms arrived on and takes off while He-Man runs off to help Celice. Celice just beings to sing, which causes Yog to go limp from the brain damaging cacophony, which really just serves to underline how unnecessary it was for He-Man to let Skeletor go. I think He-Man just really likes the chase. “I have a feeling you and I are destined to do this forever”, to quote the Joker.
Showing a little more backbone (haw haw) than I thought possible, Skeletor circles back on the sky bike taking pot shots at He-Man. He-Man bitches about how Skeletor isn’t fighting fair. To even the score, He-Man pulls some kind of cock tube out of his pants and blows a giant cum-bubble, which rises up in front of Skeletor, capturing him. Judging by the size of his cock tube, He-Man has a really small cock. I wonder if the power sword acts like steroids and shrinks He-Man’s junk? What an interesting plot point that will never be explored. Anybody feel like writing some fan fiction around that idea?
Just as Yog is slinking away in agony from Celice’s song, He-Man agitates it by wrestling one of its tentacles. Maybe it’s finally time for He-Man to kill again?! I mean, it’s for the good of Celice’s city-state. If He-Man doesn’t kill Yog, Celice will forever have to sing her god awful songs – I mean, they are more grating than Miley Cyrus – so he’s got to do it, right? He doesn’t have a choice! As my heart rate quickens at the possibility of another murder, He-man jumps down into the gaping hole left by Yog’s retreat. He comes upon Yog, which looks like some kind of green rhinoceros with six tentacles protruding from it’s back.
He-Man raises his fists in anger – the anticipation nearly killing me – and slams them down. This causes a giant pit to open up. Yog falls into it, far past the vanishing point and certainly to his death. That thing has an exoskeleton, it would just shatter at the bottom; same thing happens to tarantulas if you drop them. Surely Yog has splattered in an unseen wash of gore. He did it! He-Man finally snapped and murdered again! Fuck yes!
He-Man climbs back up and joins the others. Lizard Man pokes his head out of the turret window and exclaims that he can’t rouse the Sorceress. Celice is all like, “I got this”. She sings her song again, which causes the Sorceress to pull back from the brink of death. That doesn’t make any damn sense. First, the song nearly kills her, then it can revive her as well? Anyway, so she didn’t die. As everyone stands around scratching his or her ass, Skeletor blasts He-Man’s cum-bubble with a rapid-fire discharge from the sky bike. It breaks and Skeletor takes off, retaining his freedom.
He-Man offers to give Celice a ride home, but she’s all depressed because now that Yog is dead, she is no longer needed. All that faces her now is a life of stripping and meth, because she sure as shit ain’t getting a record contract. Teela tries to convince her that stripping is an honorable career, and that it’s really like a public service. Plus, meth is fun too. Teela knows. Celice totally buys it and agrees to return to her city to forever leave snail trails on the thighs of the local deviants.
Time for this week’s moral! Gosh, there are so many things it could be about! This was a really intense episode. I think it will be about how if you have a friend that thinks that they are good at something, but actually really sucks at it, you should encourage them to make money off of their body in some form of sex industry work – be it stripping, running a phone sex line, solo web-cam work where chicks do weird shit like fart on cakes, or even full blown anal gangbang porn. Teela’s voice comes on via voice over as we gaze upon Celice singing on top of giant concrete tower. The voice over fades to Teela gazing imploringly at the camera. Indeed, she tells us that if your songs don’t make people happy, you should practice something that makes you happy, like masturbating a lot in preparation for your future career in the sex industry. Damn, I called that one.
He-Man murder count: 8 mother-bitches! And don’t forget the 1 attempted murder. It counts, you can still go to jail just for trying to kill someone. I know, it’s kinda fucked up, right? But, that’s just the way it is.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Prime Minister Pangas
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Celice
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Lizard Man, Trap Jaw