Ho-hum. Another week, another made up location on Eternia that’s never been mentioned, lorded over by another character that’s never been mentioned. Even if the kids this show was originally aimed at weren’t old enough to follow any real continuity between (or even during) an episode, did that really mean that the writers had to refuse to include any? It’s as if they’re protesting against it! So, we open on Stone Mountain (I presume) where a lonely, lonely boy gazes forlornly out of one of the turret windows.
This next part absolutely must be quoted verbatim. He says, “Another day, wasted in this lonely tower. Me, Mallek, of Stone Mountain, a prisoner of the one I love, beautiful Teela”. Oh, my fucking God did I just die laughing. Me, Mallek, you Teela! Well, at least I know his name already. They seem to have gotten better at using character’s names at least once an episode. So anyway, what’s this? Teela has a secret sex slave that she’s been neglecting, and he sits in this tower, pining all day every day for her sweet, sweet nectar? Damn, this bitch is cold.
Quickly, I find out why she has abandoned him. Dude’s a little bit psycho. He’s ranting and raving about how she rejected him and he will find a way to make her his again. In a totally normal, not crazy at all kind of way, he slaps over the crystal ball that he was using to gaze upon her glory. Fuck, this guy is scary. I feel like somebody is getting stabbed tonight. He goes on and on about how his magic can give him anything, but it can’t give him what he really wants: Teela’s head on a pike, to gaze at him lovingly for the rest of his life.
Just as he’s about to start beating off to the images of Teela’s severed head floating around in his twisted mind, a raven haired woman comes in asking if he’s alright. I’d say he’s not lady, and I’d suggest you run. Well, as it turns out, she’s his sister, so she just might be safe. That was close. After he shoos her away, a winged imp suddenly appears. You know, this actually looks really familiar to me. I’m getting some vague recollections of watching this episode as a child! This hasn’t happened too many times yet, it’s a little exciting! Anyway, so his name is Lokus, and his master, whom Lokus refuses to name, has come to offer his master’s services and make Teela’s head on a pike a reality. For a price, “a rather steep price”. Before he even knows what his end of the deal is, Mallek agrees to it, because he would do anything to have Teela’s pretty little head. “What’s in the box”!?
Well, I guess Mallek did finish beating off, because as they shake hands, the wad he palmed when his sister walked in squirts out from between their hands, covering them both and binding their agreement with magical man juice. Lokus flies out the window and immediately destroys a dam, cruelly flooding a crop of pumpkins. I can’t tell if it’s because Lokus is mad or excited about the cum-palm he just got. Mallek gets pissed because he fucking loves pumpkin, and is all like, “that’s pretty fucked up, man. I fucking love pumpkin”. But, it’s all part of the deal that wasn’t fully disclosed before he agreed to it, so I guess it’s fair game. Man, this is a bigger calamity than Cosmo Kramer accepting unlimited coffee for life before hearing the rest of the offer. Lokus says, “boo-fucking-hoo, I’m in charge now, deal with it”. Oh, and look at that, Mallek’s sister heard the whole thing.
At the palace, I’m forewarned by the annoying music that I’m about to be deluged with some bullshit sequence where Orko is fucking up a magic trick. Sure enough, Man-At-Arms is standing under a rain cloud Orko conjured by mistake, just taking it like an asshole instead of moving out of the way. While trying to fix it, he changes the rain to snow. And here I thought in the last episode he proved what a powerful magician he is. Oh, that’s right, he fucking failed. Prince Adam wanders in and Orko hides behind him. With good reason, too. Man-At-Arms is about to amputate every single other extremity Orko has.
Later, in the courtyard, Teela and Prince Adam are sparring, clanging each other’s swords against one another’s shields. Prince Adam is wishing he were having a boy on boy kind of sword fight instead. Prince Adam’s flight of fancy allows Teela to best him, and he gets all pissy and wants to know why he has to fight anyway, because he’s a pretty boy, and she’s supposed to be his body guard. Luckily, before Prince Adam can start signing Whitney Houston songs, Ram Man shows up.
Lokus appears, perched atop a high terrace on one of the palace towers when Ram Man, trying to show Prince Adam how to be a little less fufu, slams into the palace, knocking Lokus off into a bush. Prince Adam announces that he’s hungry and literally runs off to go eat, followed close in tow by Ram Man. Lokus steps out from behind the bush and uses his magic to disguise himself as an old man. He steps to Teela, who is busy picking up the shields and swords, and pretends to be one of the poor farmers of Eternia. He laments that his crops have been destroyed because Mallek has gone mad and flooded them all. And it’s all because he’s horny for Teela’s head on a pike, er, her company, he’s lonely for her company. Yeah. Now it’s Teela that runs off in a hurry. After she’s gone, Lokus assumes his impish form and reveals that the real plan is for both Mallek and Teela to be his. This is getting kinkier by the minute!
Elsewhere, on the veranda, Prince Adam is slurping down a tasty beverage, while he and Ram Man are eating what looks like slabs of meat. Cringer sits at their feet, licking his chops. Ram Man even teases him, trying to get Cringer to sit up and beg. But since he’s a cat and not a dog, he doesn’t. Teela runs up and tells him that Mallek is causing trouble. “Your old boyfriend?”, Prince Adam says cheekily. “He thought so”, comes Teela’s tart reply. Once you go shadow beast, you never go back. Anyway, she wants Prince Adam to go get Man-At-Arms to get He-Man to help her out. Sick burn. Teela takes off with Ram Man while Prince Adam goes to “find” He-Man. Which brings us to this episode’s first recycled animation sequence. It seems like the show got a bigger budget all of the sudden and they don’t need to lean on recycled animation as much.
At Stone Mountain, Mallek surveys his ruined crops while he laments having made the deal with the imp for something so silly as Teela’s piked head. But, then he figures that once he has it, he’ll just use his magic to fix everything, and all will be well. Just as he’s about to beat off while thinking about eating pumpkin pie as Teela’s head stares at him from its new home on his most ornate pike, his sister comes in. Damn, she sure is a buzz-kill. She implores him to sever his agreement with Lokus. Just then, Lokus appears and, claiming she suspects too much, traps her in a glass jar and reanimates some kind of pterodactyl that was suspended from the ceiling in skeleton form. This also triggers another familiar moment. I definitely remember watching this episode when I was a kid. Lokus wrings his hands together as the pterodactyl makes off with Mallek’s sister in a jar.
Outside, Teela and Ram man are nearing Stone Mountain while Ram Man gives her shit about Mallek being her “boyfriend”. Teela’s about to open a can of whoop-ass on him (she better hope Ram Man isn’t armed with a blanket) when the pterodactyl comes flying by with its prisoner. He-Man shows up on a sky bike to steal the show. Mallek’s sister tells him to shoot out the glass container, because she will be fine, even if she falls. He-Man misses several, several times, but I guess it’s enough to spook the beast, because it drops the container. She says a magic chant on the way down and the container grows wings and flaps her gently to the ground. McKayla Maroney ain’t impressed, but He-Man is! He-Man dips and dives, dodges and swoops trying to avoid the laser eyes of the pterodactyl, but eventually, it catches him in the tail. His sky bike catches fire, and he bails. One time, Prince Adam fell from the sky, and he just turned into He-Man real quick and survives, so I guess he should be all right. None the less, Mallek’s sister, Karyn, uses her magic to create a pond under He-Man, which he just casually dives into.
When He-Man strolls up from the shore, I’m pretty sure he’s not the only one who’s wet. Karyn uses her magic to turn the pterodactyl back to bones and He-Man remarks for the second time in as many seconds how impressive her powers are, but that it’s too bad she’s not a boy. As they stare up at the castle, Karyn explains that Mallek has been enslaved by a demon and must follow his every command, and it’s all because of his “love” for Teela. Teela’s like, “Awwww shit. He’s still hung up on little ol’ me”? And then she treats us to a flash back of how she lead him on all those years ago and probably does deserve to have her head on a pike for it.
You see, before she became captain of the guard (hey, how come every one calls Duncan by his title, Man-At-Arms, but nobody seems to call Teela captain?), she spent several months studying in the City of Wisdom. Their military program must be pretty short, which explains a lot. While she was there, she met Mallek, who was there studying to become a master wizard. He appears before her and conjures some flowers, hoping that she won’t notice his really gay hair cut. Of course, Teela’s haircut isn’t much better. Next he tries to conjure her the most beautiful gown in the land, but instead turns her clothes to patched rags, and just to add insult to injury, makes her hair all nappy. Since she’s kind of a cunt, she throws the flowers at him. He keeps trying to impress her with his improving magic, but Teela would rather read Fifty Shades of Grey under a tree. Somehow, it seems to hurt Karyn that Mallek was so in love with a woman so callous. I think she might have a thing for her brother. Maybe she should use her magic to relocate them to Trolla where incest is accepted.
Suddenly, Mallek shows up on a flying carpet and uses his magic to levitate Teela up to the rug with him. Ram Man immediately “spings” to action, but he misses her feet as she continues to rise. How he can knock aircraft from the sky but not catch Teela is beyond me. He-Man shouts warnings at Mallek, but he doesn’t give two shits, because Teela’s neck has a date with a hacksaw. He tells He-Man to scram takes off with Teela into Stone Mountain. Inside, they sit in a cheesy cupid themed room while Teela, ever the tease, flashes her snatch at Mallek while he savors her still pink flesh one last time before both her carotids get severed along with the rest of her body.
Suddenly, the cupid statue turns in to Lokus who tells Mallek that he’s run out of time. He’s come to collect on the as-yet-unspecified debt Mallek owes for Lokus’ assistance in brining Teela to him. Teela’s first and only question is to know what Mallek promised for her. Really? Damn, she’s vain! Well, guess what the price is? Mallek’s soul! And now, Lokus will conjure his master to take possession of them both! Dollars to donuts, it’s Skeletor.
Shit, I’m wrong! Instead this fire being comes out of the fireplace and announces that he’s come for Mallek. I guess his master must be Satan! Oh, wait, no. This takes place in a completely different galaxy. They don’t have Christianity there. Just then, He-Man busts through the wall and makes the fire devil look up his nose for several seconds. He-Man demands to know who, or what, the fire devil is. Obligingly, the fire devil explains that he is, “Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope. The enemy of mankind throughout the universe. Mortal, I am evil itself”! It’s okay, He-Man ain’t scared.
He-Man draws his power sword and hurls it at Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope, but it just passes right through. Battle Cat tries to attack him because he really wants to get his hair all singed off, but the fire devils just wrestles him off, somehow with out charring a single follicle. Ram Man goes to make his move, but Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope just flames his feet, causing him to jump up and get stuck on the ceiling. Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope just laughs at their lame attempts to stop him. He grows until towers above them and announces that he will simply crush them all. Making good on his promise, he slaps his hand down on He-Man, trying to crush him. But He-Man is too powerful and throws Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope’s hand off him. Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope can’t believe it. He babbles about how He-Man’s good is as strong as his evil. “I could fight you for years and never win”, he says. He-Man is all, “fuck yeah, lets throw down, mother fucker”, but Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope decides to just cut his losses and take Mallek.
Karyn steps forward and offers her own virgin soul to him instead. Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope is like, “Whoa, that shit’s never happened before”! She explains that she’s in love with Mallek, but since she can’t have him because incest is wrong, and so she might as well burn in hell. Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope agrees because she’s way hotter than Mallek anyway. But when he lays his hand on her, something happens and he recoils. Giving away his weakness, he reveals that she has the one power that could destroy him; “The power of love”. Okay, so just now, He-Man finished his sentence. That’s a little weird, right? Just then, Karyn pounces on Mallek in wild abandon and decides that if it scares the devil, incest must be good! Even Mallek looks a little terrified, and he’s spent the whole episode pining for Teela’s head on a pike!
They give each other Eskimo kisses while Master of Fear and Destroyer of Hope gasps raggedly. He turns his rage on Lokus and curses him for cheating him out of some tasty souls. Do you think he’s more disappointed now than he would have been when he found out that gingers don’t have souls? Anyway, he zaps Lokus into oblivion then promises He-Man that their battle will continue after he goes home and takes a nap. All this lovey-dovey crap has left him with a migraine.
Back at Stone Mountain, He-Man uses the power of some recycled animation to throw some boulders up into the air over the ruptured dam. Mallek uses his magic to melt them, thus patching it. He-Man looks at Mallek and says, “Look, bro. If you ever try to take Teela’s head again, I’ll put my fist so far up your ass, I’ll be able to pick your nose”. While Mallek and Karyn snog some more, He-Man teases Teela and asks if she will ever get over Mallek. She’s all like, “Yeah, I already have. I’m mad crushing on some one right now”. “Anyone I know?”, says He-Man. “Yeah, Ram Man”, replies Teela. Ooooooh, yeah. It makes perfect sense! She loves getting rammed! They all stare in disbelief as she walks off to get plowed in the woods by Ram Man’s battering rod.
Time for this week’s moral! I think its going to be about how if you have sociopathic, homicidal thoughts about a pretty girl and wonder what her head would look like on a pike, or if you think about how fun it would be to soak her decapitated body in hot oil and make sweet, sweet love to it that you make a deal with the devil, you should just turn to incest to get out of it, because even the devil won’t touch that. Instead, Teela comes on to tells that it’s naughty to do something that’s wrong, no matter how sociopathic you are. Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.
He-Man murder count: 8 and 1 attempted murder.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Spirit of Evil
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms/Lokus
Linda Gary: Teela, Karyn
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Mallek