You know, if this were a normal show, Season 1 would be over right about now. But instead, I still have 40 episodes to go to finish it! 40! At least this episode is called Evilseed. It had better be about Skeletor making the antichrist via a sperm donation to Evil-Lyn, goddammit. We open in Man-At-Arms’ lab where he’s either sneezing or crying into a handkerchief, while Prince Adam, Teela, and Cringer sit around the table mourning his mild illness. “Alergies!”, he says, “but they’ve never been this bad”. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be related?
Suddenly the computer system flashes with a warning. Man-At-Arms gets over his tragic allergies and goes to see what’s up. The computer reports out that a dam has broken and crops are flooding, and shows the exact same footage from LAST WEEK’s episode! Can it be? No, could this be… continuity? Did He-Man and Mallek’s repair fail? I hope He-Man has good liability insurance. I’m pretty sure using magic to repair a dam is negligent, improper workmanship. It’s either that or the opposite; they forgot about last week’s plot already, and got cheap on the animation and used some recycled gems.
Teela plans to stay behind and “guard” the palace while Man-At-Arms goes off to investigate the collapsed dam. Prince Adam suddenly remembers he has “something to do” and takes off to go turn into He-Man. In another room, Cringer tries to take a nap to try and avoid being turned into Battle Cat while more recycled animation plays. Downstairs, Man-At-Arms can’t get the wind raider to start, so Ram Man (whom Man-At-Arms refers to as “Rammy”) pops open the hood to discover weeds growing in the engine compartment, no doubt caused by the unfortunately not antichrist-producing semen I hoped the “evilseed” would be. I should have known, Skeletor shoots puffs of air. Oh, well, at least while they fuck with the engine, He-Man can run off to clean up his negligent repair job. Instead, like a chump, He-Man joins Ram Man and Man-At-Arms to go investigate, thus ruining any chance he had of coving up his dam incompetence.
Maybe worse than covering up his bad repair job, when they arrive at the dam, He-Man directs Man-At-Arms as to how to stop the water. Isn’t Man-At-Arms the engineer? Shouldn’t he be calling these shots instead of this shirtless meathead? It doesn’t matter because Man-At-Arms follows He-Man’s instructions anyway and blasts the top off of an adjacent mountain causing small rocks to fall down to the ground. Then he asks He-Man what he should do next. Really? This whole thing was caused by He-Man! Don’t let him tell you how to fix it, he fucked it up in the first place! So, what’s next is that He-Man spins really fast creating a “tornado” that grabs all the small rocks and perfectly deposits them in the broken dam, plugging it up. I just… yeah, I don’t even know what to say.
Well, anyway, the engineering marvel that is windblown rocks has saved the village of these little dwarf people from not having pumpkin pie this season, and they all sit around talking about it. The dwarf people tell He-Man that some strange hooded figure showed up recently and sold them these seeds. Seriously, the guy looks like the Grim Reaper. If Death shows up at your door to sell you seeds, don’t buy them, m’kay? He tells them specifically that they should plant these seeds by the dam, which they do without question. Then all of the sudden, these vines grew everywhere on the dam and weakened it. Okay, fine, He-Man is off the hook. But, seriously, who plants anything at the foot of a dam? These dwarves deserved what they got on account of their sheer idiocy!
As I’m wondering what anyone did to address the vines that were the cause of the problem (maybe He-Man could chop them down?) so that it doesn’t happen again, I’m interrupted by my own riotous laughter when He-Man, sitting atop Battle Cat, gazing at the dam, says, “I feel the bony finger of Skeletor, Battle Cat”! HA! Oh, that was good, I needed that. The Sorceress solemnly appears to He-Man and tells him to stop fantasizing about Skeletor’s bony finger and get his ass back to the palace.
Back at the palace, He-Man discovers it to be overgrown by vines. Orko shows up all distressed, and He-Man orders him to go search for the King and Queen. He-Man runs around with his sword irresponsibly drawn for a while, but it turns out to be a good thing, because some of the vines reach for him, but he just cuts them off. Orko calls out to He-Man who quickly locates him in a room where the King, Queen, and Teela are all bound by the vines. Teela shakes loose the vines covering her mouth and reports that a strange robed man had come by and gave them some seeds to plant. Have none of these people ever heard of stranger danger? Do they just let any ruffian waltz into the palace? Not only that but they take and plant the strange seeds he gives them? What the fuck is wrong with these people?
He-Man is just barely holding the palace together while Teela attempts to free the King, Queen and Battle Cat, when suddenly and inexplicably the vines all retreat. Which apparently means that the moments ago ready-to-collapse palace is now structurally right as rain. He-Man and Orko head down to the garage and try to start a vehicle to go to Castle Grayskull in. It won’t start and just as He-Man is wondering what the matter with it is, vines break through the console and seize He-Man by the throat. Somehow, the vines are sapping He-Man’s strength, which is demonstrated visually by his now-mussed hair. He-Man calls out weakly to the Sorceress for her help.
The Sorceress hears his calls for help and concentrates really hard, causing He-Man and Orko to be teleported to Castle Grayskull. He-Man asks about his mother and father and Battle Cat, but the Sorceress sadly tells him that the vines are too powerful and she was unable to teleport them. Huh. Because I saw all the vines disappear, so, I’m pretty sure they’re safe. He-Man once again expresses his belief that Skeletor is behind this, which reminds me of that cartoon with kid versions of the Scooby-Doo gang in which Freddy always thought the perpetrator was this little ginger kid he had it out for. But, I digress. Orko wonders how they will confirm whether or not Skeletor is to blame, so He-Man just suggests they ask him, which terrifies Orko.
So, they use the Sorceress’ magic mirror to contact Skeletor, and Skeletor’s all like, “oh, hey, brah? What’s up”? To which He-Man replies with accusations of all sorts of villainy, not the least of which involves his bony finger. Skeletor tells He-Man to back the fuck up, because it was He-Man that sent the vines to torment Skeletor! Oh, plot twist! It’s not the little ginger kid, Freddy! Skeletor demands of He-Man, if it weren’t him, to know who did this. He-Man just makes this stupid face at Skeletor until the hooded man takes over their screens and introduces himself as Evilseed, “master of the plant kingdom”. He announces that he’s taking over and also will be taking all of Skeletor’s treasure. Skeletor no likey.
Just to prove Evilseed is serious, we cut from watching him on the monitors to join him on location as he stands atop the dam. He reveals that he and his plants have been asleep for years, and now they awaken to claim Eternia. To prove he’s really, really serious, he pulls back his hood to reveal, not death, but that he’s a giant brussel sprout! For a kid, that’s probably the scariest villain they’ve come up with yet, brussel sprouts. Those things are fucking nasty. He also reveals this crazy tree he has with the captured Man-At-Arms, King Randor, Queen Whats-Her-Name (I seriously can never remember her name), Cringer, and Teela hanging from, which reminds me of that creepy tree from The Guardian that has all those baby souls trapped in it. Evilseed vanishes from the monitors just as Skeletor begs him to make a deal.
Suddenly, the vines that Evil-Lyn has been combating on the other side of Skeletor’s chamber drag her out through the opening they made in the way as she cries for Skeletor’s help. Skeletor says, “go fuck yourself, you cranky bitch”! Skeletor tries to summon Mer-Man to come help him out, but Mer-Man is all tangled up. Skeletor bitches to himself as he sits down on his throne, only to be fingered by some vines. Skeletor wonders how long he can hold out before they flat out anal rape him.
Back at Castle Grayskull, I discover that Evilseed apparently wasn’t done talking to He-Man, as he is still appearing in their magic mirror. He tries to convince He-Man to give up, but He-Man draws his sword in defiance and vows never to give up. What he plans to do with his sword against a magic mirror, I’ve no idea. Well, for the second time this episode, it’s a good thing he did have his sword drawn, because Evilseed sends a vine right through the mirror, which seizes Orko. Conveniently, since He-Man already has his sword drawn, he cuts right through it, managing to look a little femme while doing it. Evilseed now gone, they decide to take the severed vine to the Sorceress’ “lab” to see what they can find out about it.
At the dam, Evilseed commands his plants to “rise, rise, rise” so that they can go take out Castle Grayskull. Evil-Lyn is pissing and moaning up in the tree and everyone tells her to shut the fuck up. In her lab, The Sorceress leans seductively over her lab equipment while Orko stares at her feathered ass like a little amputee pervert. The Sorceress says that she doesn’t know what the plant is, and that it is completely unknown to Eternia. In Skeletor’s chambers, he commands Trap Jaw to think of something because Skeletor’s grey matter is dust, and he’s fresh out of ideas. Trap Jaw comes up with “call He-Man, maybe we’ll need him”. Skeletor mulls it over in that twisted dust pile he calls a brain and twists it around to figure that He-Man will probably need him, instead. Oh, this show kills me.
In the Sorceress’ lab, they deduce that plants need water, and so that must be why Evilseed is hanging out by the dam. When he busts it all the way down, he’ll have all the water he needs. The Sorceress points out that plants can’t grow when it’s cold, and demonstrates by killing a plant with ice. She suggests they try that. He-Man stands around pouting because he didn’t think of it. They bounce around ideas on how to make it cold enough. Freeze-rays won’t work, they can’t make it snow since it’s summer… I know, He-Man will get a giant ice boulder and smash it in the air! Geez. What ever happened to that weather machine Man-At-Arms made? Or just using the Sorceress’ magic, perhaps?
Well, the answer is somewhere in between He-Man’s strength and the Sorceress’ power. You see, they must do it above Castle Grayskull, from whence both of their powers come, and they must join forces to do it. So the goal is to save the crops from flooding by freezing them? Good idea. But wait, there’s one more thing! They also need the power of a third… Skeletor! Oh, fuck. This cannot end well. Eternia, it’s been nice knowing you! Stay cool! What, too soon?
At Snake Mountain, Skeletor is on the video phone with He-Man, infinitely refusing to “join forces” with him. He tells He-Man to piss off. Trap Jaw makes a case for joining forces with He-Man, but Skeletor takes the counterpoint, positing that He-Man is already beaten, and they need only to take one step back before taking two steps forward and reaping the reward of dominating Eternia. But when the vines overcome Trap Jaw after he runs out of freeze rays, Skeletor changes his mind. Not once does it seem to occur to Skeletor that this might be a great way to finally get inside Castle Grayskull.
At Castle Grayskull, Orko is flipping out because he realizes that when Skeletor shows up and joins forces, he will be more powerful than ever. He-Man blows it off and says, “but we’re not enemies right now, we’re friends”. What a sap! Orko remains skeptical. He-Man runs off through a portal to Snow Mountain to get his ice boulder. While he’s busy doing that, Skeletor arrives at Castle Grayskull, which is currently defended by Orko and the Sorceress. The control panel that turns off the portal He-Man went through is right there. Seems to me like Skeletor could easily trap He-Man at Show Mountain, dispatch Orko (finally) and the Sorceress and take over Castle Grayskull once and for all. Well, he has a little more brains than I give him credit for, because he smacks the top off the control panel with his staff, thus trapping He-Man.
At Snow Mountain, He-Man is jumping up and down atop a gigantic ice pillar. When it cracks, he jumps down into a tunnel in it, which is probably some poor creature’s home, and lifts the whole damn thing up. It looks too large for him to even hold, let alone throw it all the way over Castle Graykull, which it should reach, by He-Man’s “calculations”, in sixty seconds. He-Man then stands around waiting for the Sorceress to summon him back. Looks like he’s going to be waiting for a while.
Back at Castle Grayskull, Skeletor is doing exactly what I hoped he would be doing, which is tormenting the Sorceress with his staff. His powers are stronger than ever now that he’s inside Castle Grayskull. Just as Skeletor is getting all cocky, Evilseed’s vines reach up and grab him. The Sorceress manages to break free for a moment and she opens a portal so He-Man can come back. He-Man emerges back at Castle Grayskull to discover Skeletor thoroughly ensnared in Evilseed’s vine, so he cuts him loose. As Skeletor sits on the floor, his pride set back immeasurably, Orko, via the magic mirror, spots the ice boulder nearing the castle. They hurry up to the tower, but based on where the boulder was at when they saw it, they would definitely not get there in time.
As they all climb the tower, He-Man and Skeletor trade some really riveting dialog, “Don’t you ever feel like doing something evil”? “Don’t you ever feel like doing something good”? Guess who said what? So, this ice block is passing over and by Castle Grayskull – horizontally, and slowly, not fast and plummeting like it should be. He-Man, the Sorceress and Orko all focus their power on the boulder, Skeletor standing there stubbornly. Finally, Skeletor gives in to He-Man’s hen-pecking and joins in. The ice boulder explodes, causing it to snow everyhwhere, which apparently makes Eternia’s climate like instant winter.
Just as instantly, all of Evilseed’s plants start to die. He himself is getting pretty fucking uncomfortable, what with that brussel sprout head of his. He rants and raves about how this was supposed to be his “season”, as he withers and dies in a way that reminds me of when Stripe melts at the end of Gremlins. Damn that movie was good. Now that they’ve conquered Evilseed, He-Man tries to convince Skeletor to join forces with him to do good for humanity. Don’t’ worry, Skeletor would never do anything to help humanity. Skeletor’s like, “I’m tired, so I’m going to go take a nap. I’ll be back to hassle you again later”. Orko ponders why Skeletor is always being so evil. The Sorceress explains that some people just don’t know right from wrong. Some men can’t be reasoned with. They just want to watch the world bur. Orko relates how when he does something bad, he gets sent to his room, why doesn’t Skeletor get sent to his room? Why indeed, Orko. Why indeed. Then He-Man gets roped into helping clean Orko’s room because I guess he doesn’t have anything better to do.
Time for this week’s moral. I think its going to be about how it’s ok to destroy your ecosystem in order to stop the bad guys, and that defenders of good have nothing better to do than to help slobby little shits clean their room. Also some times you have to destroy your crops in order to save them from being destroyed. Go ahead, just nuke the planet to stop the bad guys, you’d be doing me a favor anyway. Teela comes on screen to tell us that this week’s episode had lots of surprises. Like He-Man and Skeletor working together. Working with others can be hard sometimes. So you just have to take your shirt off and be the alpha male and berate your partner into succumbing to your will.
He-Man murder count: 8 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man, Evilseed
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Ring Randor, Computer, Farmers