Remember last episode when I said that if one really wants to change, that a full gender reassignment surgery is the way to go? Um, I’m seriously wondering what “Prince Adam No More” could be about right now. I swear I didn’t know what the title of this episode was when I suggested that last week. So, I’m wondering, did he finally do it? Have his “fabulous secret powers” finally been revealed to everyone else helping Prince Adam overcome his closeted lifestyle? If this is not a full on drag queen episode complete with a cameo from Ru-Paul (c’mon, what show DOESN’T need a cameo from Ru-Paul?), I’m going to break some shit tonight. Something tells me I should prepare to break something.
Well, it looks like Skeletor is back from vacation or wherever the Hell he’s been for the last three or four weeks. Shit, I wish I got time off like that. Looks like evil has a pretty good benefits package. Skeletor is having a party and Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, Beast Man, Trap Jaw and Evil-Lyn are all in attendance. Apparently, Beast Man is way too drunk and Skeletor is booting his ass out. He’s sick of all Beast Man’s bungling and stumbling around drunk all the time. Beast Man begs to be allowed to stay, but Skeletor ain’t havin’ it. Not only does Skeletor take Beast Man’s whip and trash it, he totally destroys Beast Man’s personal chair too. Beast Man is totally pissed (in both the European sense and the American, and slurs threats and insults in Skeletor’s general direction.
At the palace, Orko is being a fucking gnat while Man-At-Arms is tuning up Attak Trak for a special political tour or something that King Randor is taking and that Orko is especially not allowed to go on. It seems that King Randor will be selecting “his most trusted guard” to accompany him. Prince Adam sashays into the scene and boasts about how he is the obvious choice to accompany the King. Man-At-Arms tells Orko to fuck off, and so naturally, Orko accidentally falls into Attak Trak and activates it. It won’t respond to his voice commands because he isn’t authorized, so he bangs on he keyboard, consequently blasting holes in the walls. Fuck, man. I hope this is a parallel to Beast Man’s story and Orko gets banished too. Trying to mitigate the damage Orko is causing, Prince Adam recycles some animation and turns into He-Man.
King Randor pokes his head over the balcony to see what all the racket is about and almost gets his noggin blown off. Orko has got to fucking go! He-Man displays some fancy footwork as he dances around avoiding the laser blasts. As he prances from foot to foot, looking quite comfortable doing it, he draws his power sword, holds it by the blade, takes aim and hurls it at Attak Trak. He manages to get it through one of the caterpillar tracks, stopping the vehicle cold. He jumps on top, opens it and hops down inside. “Attak Trak, cease all functions immediately”, he says. Attak Trak: ‘Yeah, sure no problem, dude. Sorry about that”. A little later, they have Attak Trak jacked up while Orko is being made to fix the track He-Man damaged with his sword. That seems like a really bad idea.
King Randor comes out of the palace and compliments He-Man on his heroics, which were remarkably more impressive than anything his lazy twinkle toes of a son, Prince Adam, has ever done. Later, cringer naps under a table while Man-At-Arms talks to Prince Adam, questioning his self-assuredness at being selected to accompany King Randor. Prince Adam is sure he’s in the running because he only acts like an idiot to keep his cover. He’d never to anything to really embarrass his dad, like get caught in a gay scandal or something. So, then King Randor calls Man-At-Arms and Prince Adam to his chambers. He has made the choice for who will be his honor guard escort, and it is none other than He-Man. Oh, what a conundrum! Prince Adam burns for the his father’s approval (almost) as much as he does for cock. Yet, he can’t reveal (why, I don’t know) that he is really He-Man. Oh, what ever will he do! While King Randor asks Man-At-Arms to get He-Man, Prince Adam whines about he thought they might go together. “But you are an idiot”, King Randor says, “and fuck no, you can’t go”.
Prince Adam goes to the Sorceress. He continues his belly aching, whining that he’s been He-Man for so long now, but he has to keep it a secret, and it’s not fair. He’s got all these fabulous secret powers bursting forth from within, and he simply can’t keep a lid on it any longer. Prince Adam is a sham, and he really wants to run around in furry underpants and a bare chest sporting only a leather chest piece full-fucking-time. The Sorceress tells him that’s too fucking bad because if he revealed how gay he really is – no matter how strong, and heroic he may be – he would only shame the family. Then, Skeletor and the rest of the evil-doers in Eternia – of which there are many – would never leave them alone. It really doesn’t seem like that would be any different, really, but whatever. Also, fucking Orko knows Prince Adam is He-Man, why cant he just tell his dad? He doesn’t need to put up billboard about it or anything. Ultimately, the Sorceress leaves it up to Prince Adam to decide what to do, but warns him that it’s a big choice with heady consequences, and not the kind of head Prince Adam likes.
Elsewhere, Beast Man is trying to fill the hole in his heart by having a meaningless, drunken gangbang with some shadow beasts. Even the shadow beast’s legendary sexual prowess can’t fill his hole. Well, I mean, they can’t fill his metaphorical hole. And so, he pouts. After all these years of taking it from Skeletor, to just be thrown away like a jism rag… it hurts. Not even tasting the hot goo all over his face makes him feel better. The shadow beasts gag a little as he does it, then laugh at his agony. The thing about shadow beasts is that they hate post-coital banter. They are a use-em-and-lose-em kind of breed.
While Beast Man continues to wallow in his misery he hears something in the distance. It’s Attak Trak approaching with Man-At-Arms behind the wheel and King Randor and Prince Adam in the third row seat. King Randor is going on about how he wishes He-Man had come instead, while Prince Adam continues to whine about how his father won’t accept him. I’m really not clear on how Prince Adam to let him come instead of He-Man. I don’t even think Prince Adam was the second or third choice. King Randor tells Prince Adam that he better keep his shit in line or he will disown him once and for all. Beast Man watches Attak Trak pass from a perch above and starts concocting a plan to capture King Randor and make Skeletor proud. With his plan half baked, he goes after them with the shadow beasts in tow.
King Randor is consulting a map of their planned political tour when shadow beasts start raining down on Attak Trak from above. Somehow, by banging on the roof, they short out Attak Trak’s generator and the vehicle loses power. However that fucking works. What a piece of shit. Beast Man pushes a tree down in front of it, causing them to a stop, which seems a little unnecessary considering the vehicle just lost power. A shadow beast pulls back the top of the vehicle and grabs Man-At-Arms causing him to drop his laser pistol. Prince Adam commands the King to stay down, recovers the pistol and jumps out to take care of business. Before he can pull the trigger on a shadow beast, Beast Man grabs him, hard.
Prince Adam pretends not to like it, but I know he does. And so it is that Beast Man manages to easily subdue all of them. Wow. Prince Adam really is worthless, isn’t he? Beast Man lets Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms go, telling them that they must bring all the gold to Snake Mountain if they ever want to see King Randor again. Hmmm. I’m pretty sure it’s not gold Skeletor wants. In a past episode, they mentioned all the treasure he has at Snake Mountain. I don’t think he will be impressed by anything less than He-Man’s head on a pike with the keys to Castle Grayskull hanging out of his mouth.
At Snake Mountain, Beast Man arrives with King Randor. King Randor makes threats at Beast Man, which Beast Man uses as an opportunity to retort and insult King Randor’s disappointment of a son. King Randor makes no retort and hangs his head in shame, knowing the truth of Beast Man’s slurred words. Beast Man leads King Randor through Snake Mountain to show off his victory to Skeletor when he walks through a laser, setting off a security alarm. Mer-Man shows up to stop Beast Man, but is easily convinced to let Beast Man through when he sees that he has captured King Randor. Anyway, Mer-Man says that Skeletor’s not home right now, so Beast Man says, “what do you say we lock up our guest and celebrate my return”? Really Beast Man? I don’t think partying right now is the best idea. Isn’t that what got you kicked out in the first place? This guy needs an intervention like no other, and I’ve seen just about every episode of that show.
Back in the forest, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are just shaking loose from the freeze ray Beast Man immobilized them with to ensure his getaway. Man-At-Arms is all like, “why the fuck didn’t you turn into He-Man, dipshit”? Prince Adam whines about how he wanted to show his father that he’s not a fairy-winged fuck up. Yeah, how’d that work out for you, bro? Man-At-Arms says, “Buck up, son. Being He-Man is kick ass, but you were given those powers to help others, not yourself”, which is completely the opposite of what Man-At-Arms was just saying. Think about it; Prince Adam tried to save the day without turning into He-Man, then Man-At-Arms busts his balls for not turning into He-Man, then says he can’t use He-Man’s power to help himself out as Prince Adam. Except that he didn’t try to use He-Man’s power to make himself look good. It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I think Man-At-Arms is slowly slipping into dementia. So, then, Prince Adam turns into He-Man and takes off to save the day.
At Snake Mountain, Mer-Man and Beast Man are totally smashed out of their simple minds. Mer-Man is sitting on Skeletor’s camber table, drunkenly hoisting some mutton while Beast Man is getting even more trashed, using Skeletor’s goblet, while sitting in Skeletor’s chair. I don’t think Skeletor should leave Snake Mountain so much, or he’s going to come home to a pile of ashes some day! He-Man arrives at Snake Mountain and just walks right into the place like he fucking owns it. He easily spots the laser beam that trips the alarm and which Beast man just waltzed right through earlier, and steps right over it. Mer-Man thinks he hears something, but all Beast Man hears is the blood rushing through his ears from all the booze he’s imbibed. Mer-Man pokes his head out of the room, but He-Man is clever and stands off to the side of the door where Mer-Man fails to see him.
After Mer-Man steps back into Skeletor’s chambers, He-Man keeps on going to the dungeons, walks up to a cell and sort of whispers King Randor’s name, but it’s the wrong one and a purple tentacle comes out and tries to molest him. But he doesn’t have time for that, so he keeps going and sees King Randor’s arm waving from a cell. He-Man rips the gate off of the cell, which triggers, as Beast Man slurs it, “the prisoner alarm”, which sounds the same as all the other alarms to me. Mer-Man releases Skeletor’s robot army who chase He-Man and King Randor as they escape down a hall. They catch up and He-Man prepares to trash them. King Randor tells He-Man to back off, because he’s going to take care of this one personally. Then he actually flexes his bicep and gives it a squeeze. To his credit, he takes out his fair share while He-Man trashes the rest. Once they have destroyed all of them, they banter pleasantly for a minute, and for no apparent reason other than to set up the moral coming up in a few minutes, King Randor babbles about how much he loves his son, but he’s afraid to say it because he doesn’t want Prince Adam to take it the wrong way, if you know what I mean.
Before it can get any more awkward, Beast Man and Mer-Man show up in one of Skeletor’s flying crafts and block the exit. Damn, they were almost there! They could see daylight, even! Oh well, it’s all over, because there is no way that He-Man could defeat Skeletor’s b-team, right? Mer-Man jumps out of the ship and immediately engages He-Man in a sword battle, which He-Man easily wins. He gives Mer-Man a titty-twister (or purple nurple, if you prefer), then spins him really fast, sending him flying into a dungeon cell door, which inexplicably opens, letting him slide inside. Not that anything ever does, but it makes no sense because they dungeon was way, way down the hall from here, and Mer-Man didn’t spin very far.
Knowing there’s no way that he can beat He-Man with as smashed as he is, Beast Man tries to take off in the hovercraft. Yeah, because you’ll be able to drunk drive away from him better, I’m sure. He-Man just grabs the back of the ship as Beast Man passes by and then hurls the ship against a wall, knocking Beast Man unconscious. Instead of arresting either of them, He-Man just leaves with King Randor. Mer-Man returns and helps Beast Man to his feet. “Dude! You fucked it up again! Skeletor’s gonna be so mad at you!”, Mer-Man says to Beast Man. Right, because Mer-Man sure as fuck wasn’t complicit. Beast Man goes on a rant about what a cunt face Skeletor is and how he can feltch the shadow beast spooge from his ass, when Mer-Man’s face goes white. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he”? Indeed he is. Disappointingly, instead of ripping Beast Man’s spine from his body like Sub Zero, Skeletor just promises to let him explain him self after he cleans up the mess. Well, at least that saves me from wondering if this banishment plot line will continue into other episodes.
Man-At-Arms drives Prince Adam and King Randor in Attak Trak as the King remarks about how he can see that it wasn’t damaged as much as he thought it was, simply in order to explain away the fact that they are able to conveniently drive it home from Snake Mountain. King Randor prattles on and on about how awesome He-Man is and how Prince Adam’s pussy ass could learn a lot from him. Prince Adam makes a pregnant remark that directly refers to a compliment King Randor gave himself while fighting the robot army with He-Man about “still having the old left hook”. The purpose of this is to imply that Prince Adam knows that King Randor told He-Man that deep down he loves his son, but in effect it only functions to allow King Randor to continue his outward bigotry and public insulting of him instead. King Randor wonders, for the most fleeting of moments, if Prince Adam could actually BE He-Man, but then he decides that’s even more ridiculous a notion as Tyler Durden changing his appearance via reconstructive surgery every three years.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be all about the importance of machismo and how gay people should stay closeted for the sake of their family. Even if deep down you love your gay son, you have to do the manly thing and berate him for being a worthless fairy because that’s what the public expects you to do. And if you’re gay, it’s better to live a life of quietly noble suffering so your dad’s friend’s don’t crack gay jokes at their weekly poker game. Instead Orko comes on to tell us that this week’s episode was all about love and how special love is and even if your dad’s a dick, it just means he loves you, so you should be grateful because “a kiss with a fist is better than none”. Hey! I wasn’t too far off! I didn’t, unfortunately, get to witness the birth of Prince Adam’s new life as a drag queen or a Ru-Paul cameo, but I have to say this episode was a close second to that.
He-Man murder count: 9 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Okro, King Randor Tri-Klops, Attak Trake