Skeletor and Beast Man are playing drinking games. I think Beast Man might be a bad influence on Skeletor. I’m mean, I find it hard to believe a skeleton can hold its liquor very well. This might explain how Skeletor comes up with his plan: Pompeii the shit out of the village and the palace by using a laser to activate a volcano so that he can… Guess. Take one guess. That’s right, get into Castle Grayskull.
Some Eternian rednecks, Elmas and Abram, are riding around aimlessly in a hot rod tractor and almost get caught in the volcano Skeletor has trigged. That it is until He-Man flies through some molten lava on his arial jet ski! He can’t even get burned by lava?! He-Man must have built up a tolerance by way of candle wax. Kinky.
Just as mystifying as how Skeletor activated the volcano with lasers, is that He-Man’s jet ski’s lasers deactivate it. I don’t see what they were so afraid of anyway, on account of Eternia entirely consisting of rock, and all. Not like a volcano is going to hurt that.
But that was just a ruse, it seems. Skeletor has a new plan: disappearing hats. He’s going to use them to kidnap Prince Adam, because, like Superman to Lois Lane, he knows He-Man will swoop in to save his boy toy.
Back at the palace, Orko is being made to clean his room. He comes across his old bag of tricks. No, seriously, the bag has the word “tricks” on it. Inside, he finds his old wand, which looks suspiciously like a turkey baster. I wonder if that’s how the Queen got pregnant with Prince Adam considering that the King is a philanderer and she is a lesbian? In typical fashion, Orko fucks up some tricks with it, which causes him to go rocketing all around his room.
Nearby, Teela is giving Prince Adam some kind of remote control, I’m pretty sure it controls some vibrating panties she’s wearing. Predictably, Prince Adam makes for shelter in Orko’s room, and comes running into his room with his He-Man sword already drawn. Jesus, this guy just does not have a clue how to behave, does he? Orko accidentally pops the now rocket-powered turkey baster on it, which causes the power sword to disappear. Why the fuck do Prince Adam’s parents let this clod run around with a fucking sword for?! He nearly put Orko’s eye out! And he runs indoors! This is far worse than running with scissors.
Suddenly Skeletor appears, revealing that he’s been perving on Orko and asks when the toga party is supposed to start. When every one shivers and shuns him, he slaps a disappearing hat on Prince Adam and announces that they should tell He-Man that he should join them for a Druidian orgy in the woods. Man, talk about taking your toys and going home!
Feeling left out, Man-At-Arms and Orko consult the Sorceress for directions to the Druidian orgy, and instead she informs them of the plot twist! What a wet blanket! Apparently He-Man’s sword was sent back in time, so obviously He-Man can’t accompany them and finally seal the deal with Skeletor. So, the Sorceress sends Orko and Cringer back in time to rescue it.
Skeletor has trapped Prince Adam behind some laser bars in his kinky cave and sermonizes his plan to use his new device to turn He-Man to stone when he shows up. Great, as if there weren’t enough fucking rocks in Eternia already!
Conveniently, Prince Adam discovers the beeper Teela gave him earlier which is not for her vibrating panties, but rather attracts “any thing that flies”. Prince Adam activates it and hopes it will bring Stratos to come help him. Whoever the fuck Stratos is, I’m a little worried if he’s attracted by avian dog whistles like a moth to a flame.
Meanwhile, Man-At-Arms is building a creepy looking He-Man robot. Meanwhile, in the past, when Eternia seems to have actually had some kind of foliage, Orko and Cringer are looking for the sword. Meanwhile wolf-bats show up to attack He-Man on account of the sexy beeping noise he’s emitting. Good fucking lord there are a lot of sub-plots going on! No wonder ADD broke out in the ‘80s!
We cut, AGAIN, back to Orko and Cringer. I swear the director was all coked up when he was putting this episode together. It’s all over the fucking place! Orko notices this giant ogre wearing his amputee elf wizard hats and whittling a tree branch with the power sword, which looks like a letter opener in his hands. Orko idiotically floats up and just asks for it back because that’s what his mother would have done. What a drip. When that doesn’t work, he enlarges the hat the ogre is wearing, thus blinding him, and Cringer recovers the sword when he drops it. Because apparently ogres don’t have object permanence and just drop shit when their face gets covered up, like infants. They escape back to the present just in time to evade one of the Wild Things, Godzilla, a dragon, the ogre and some other baddies.
Man-At-Arms’ He-Man robot is working now and is sent to go rescue Prince Adam. Finally, this birdbrain, Stratos, shows up on account of all the sexy beeping that attracted the wolf bats, and sees the imprisoned Prince Adam. I remember this guy from the toys, but not really from the show. He looks like some kind of Mennonite bird-themed super hero. Prince Adam tells him not to touch the laser bars because they’ll zap him. Thanks, douche. Is that was lasers do? Then again, if dude is attracted to beeping sounds, he probably be attracted to bug zappers too.
Even though there is clearly a button on the outside of the cave to deactivate the lasers, instead, Prince Adam tells Stratos to go find Man-At-Arms. He takes off, immediately finds Man-At-Arms and tells him where Prince Adam is. Even though Skeletor already told Orko, who already told Man-At-Arms where He-Man is, just like Skeletor ASKED HIM TO when he abducted Prince Adam because he WANTS He-Man to show up! Does anyone know what an ambush is? Jesus! Man-At-Arms is supposed to be their top military brass too! Fucking clown shoes!
So Man-At-Arms then tasks Stratos with telling Teela where all the hot fucking will be going down. Haven’t they ever played the telephone game? I have a bad feeling about this. Anyway, Man-At-Arms controls the He-Man robot (what is it with this show and He-Man doppelgangers?) as the He-Man robot, in turn, pilots Attak Trak. Man-At-Arms sweet talks Attak Trak, and he agrees to play decoy.
Skeletor’s boozing it up with Beast Man again while they camp out in their jet in the woods (so Eternia does have some vegetation!). That’s not cool, bro. You can get a DUI for that, you know. Even if you’re just sitting there. ‘Cuz you could drive it.
Anyway, they are already giving each other congratulatory handies on their not-yet-realized plan when the He-Man robot shows up. Attak Trak leads Skeletor on a wild goose chase while Man-At-Arms returns the power sword to He-Man. Like a total sissy, Man-At-Ams tosses it too short, so Orko goes all Mr. Fantastic and gets it to the end zone.
Prince Adam turns into *insert stock footage here* He-Man, and Cringer again says how he hates this part. Seriously! Where is PETA? The Humane Society? Animal Welfare League? Sarah McLaughlin? Anybody? Anyway, He-Man punches through the wall *insert stock footage here*, saunters out of the cave all nonchalant, and vows to go get Skeletor.
Elsewhere, Skeletor catches up with the He-Man robot. As Skeletor is about to turn him to stone, the face falls off of Man-At-Arms’ shitty robot, making it look like that freaky ass robot chick from the end of Superman 3. That shit used to spook the shit out of me. I totally hated that part. The YouTube video description of it is “Computer Turns Ugly Woman Into Freaky Robot”. Seriously. One of the comments is “thumbs up if you cried at this as a kid”. I thumbs-upped that shit. Anyway, that’s what the He-Man robot looks like now.
Just as Skeletor is getting all uppity and is about to beat Beast Man’s ass for no reason, He-Man shows up. Skeletor stands there like a dipshit holding his stone-ray and looking all surprised. Since he kinda deserves it for being such a piss poor villain, He-Man literally blows them both away with super breath. If you think that’s impressive, wait until you see the golden shower Orko gives Beast man! Beast Man has his mouth open for it and everything.
While he’s licking his chops, Man-At-Arms traps Beast Man under a net. He-Man takes a swipe at Skeletor with his sword, but Skeletor evades him with a somersault. This time from the left side of the screen to the right side, though I’m sure it’s the same animation from the previous episode, only in reverse. Somersaults are Skeletor’s jam.
Skeletor decides to fight dirty, because, why the fuck not, he’s a villain. He puts on his disappearing hat and, well, disappears. Apparently, watching too much Spartacus, He-Man demands that Orko take off his dress. He-Man waits until he can feel Skeletor’s breath on his neck and hear his whispered sweet nothings, and then lovingly drapes the dress over him. This is getting kinkier than I thought!
Skeletor goes for his staff so he can check his rectal temperature, because things are really getting hot! Battle Cat wants in on some of the action, but He-Man tells him to chill. Man-At-Arms doesn’t get it either and asks He-Man why he’s being such a buzz kill all of a sudden. Turns out He-Man pulled a classic jock move and slapped a proverbial “kick me” sign on Skeletor’s back. It’s the bird beeper again! Now Skeletor is getting attacked by wolf-bats like mosquitoes at a Fourth of July picnic! As Skeletor runs away, Beast Man laments that there isn’t going to be an orgy in the woods after all.
That’s it, kiddies! Oh, wait, don’t forget the moral! Man-At-Arms informs us that being super-duper strong is kick-ass and all, but there is something even better and more powerful than muscles – your brain! See, He-Man is smart too! Could have fooled me. If he was so smart, why didn’t he just have Strato push the button to deactivate the laser bars? Also, didn’t He-Man kill two creatures last episode? Fucking hypocrite.
He-Man murder count: Still 2. Pussy flip-flopper.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Man-At-Arms, Skeletor
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Sheimer: Orko, King Randor, Stratos/Elmas/Abram
(man, they really don’t spend much money on the voice actors, do they?)