Oh, shit. There’s trouble brewing in a rich, stuck up Los Angeles suburb! Good thing He-Man is in Cali this week to save their yuppie asses! Oh, wait, it’s not that Arcadia. No, instead, He-Man is sprinting through a crazy gauntlet of rock explosions and lasers located in a garden that actually would not be out of place in Arcadia, CA. Anyway, He-Man is testing Man-At-Arms’ new electric force field, which is really just an energy shield about the size of Captain America’s shield, which comes out of a wrist band. Good one, dude, you invented a shield.
Apparently its for Teela’s Guards, which Man-At-Arms uses as a segue to set up the premises that He-Man (as Prince Adam) is going to the lowland villages. Oooooooh. So that’s where Aradia is in Eternia. It’s like their Valley? Damn, this place is backwards. And so we cut to this awesome scene where Teela is prattling on like a hen while Prince Adam tries to catch a nice car nap. But Teela insists on talking. You see, she’s been chatting with Queen Marlena about Earth and how she was one of the first women in space (what?), but that space travel used to be dominated by men. Prince Adam is all like, yeah, men are better (he would know), and then Attak Trak even butts in and is like “Men and women are equal, but machines are better”, which is kind of a scary thing for a machine to say.
Prince Adam falls back asleep despite Teela’s continued ramblings about how women are better, until they crash into something. Teela must have been driving. Even if she wasn’t driving, she still manages to negate the whole feminist message when she jumps out of attack track treating us to a full on ass shot as she squats into her landing. It is such a sight to behold, that you shall behold it in the gif below. Teela has both turned me on and set back women’s lib in the past, but never to this degree. Bravo, Captain of the Guard, bravo.
So it turns out that what they’ve run into is some kind of invisible wall. Prince Adam and Teela decide to follow it in opposite directions to find it’s end. So, they feel their way along until Prince Adam encounters two warrior women who order him to stop. Prince Adam is pretty used to being ordered around, so he does. They demand to know what he’s doing there, snooping around their city, but also won’t let him get a word in. When they move to apprehend him, Prince Adam reaches for the power sword, the handle of which is now mysteriously sticking out of that shirt. I don’t get how, with a skin tight shirt on all the time, nobody can see that Prince Adam is walking around with He-Man’s sword down the back all the time; no one can figure out he’s He-Man.
Anyway, Prince Adam blocks a projectile from their wrist blasters with the sword, but the projectile unfolds upon striking it and turns into a cage. Prince Adam drops his sword on the ground outside the cage as it unfolds around him. One of the warrior women makes some snide remark about how easy it is to conquer a man as Prince Adam stands there helplessly. They are laying this battle of the sexes thing on pretty thick this episode! In the opposite, direction, Teela also encounters some warrior women, but she’s all like, “Bitch, please. I’m Teela Captain of the Guard of Eternia”! They don’t care and shoot one of their cage guns at her. Unlike Prince Adam, Teela dives out of the way and the warrior women are shocked that she evaded them.
They continue firing various capture devices at her, one of which Teela evades by jumping at least three times her height onto a tree branch. Okay, sure. Why not? Then she does a bunch of gymnastics and, I shit you not, for the second time in the episode, lands on the ground in the same squat that centers on her ass as we saw earlier. Damn, Teela, why you gotta do me like that? Makes me wonder if there’s some Teela porn on there on the internets. Oh, man, speaking of searching the internet for Teela or He-Man porn (which I swear I have never done), you should see some of the keyword searches that bring people to He-Man Reviewed. They are hilarious. I might have to do a special post sometime and share some of them with you.
I digress. Teela rips them a new one for attacking an unarmed women, and the warrior women are so impressed with her that they decide to take her back to Queen Sumana as a guest to induct her into their lesbian warrior women city. Knowing how much Teela loves a good stuffing, I’m surprised at her excitement over their invitation. I’m now sure if she realizes how poor a substitute a strap-on is for the real deal, if one is a meat lover. On the way, Teela wants to know why she’s never heard of their city before, which the warrior woman explains is because of their invisible force field dome. Okay, sure. Why not? Teela is also very puzzled that their Queen Sumana doesn’t have a king. The warrior women laugh heartily at the idea of a woman needing a man. Yep, I thought so. Teela is going to need a lot of indoctrination if they are going to convert her to a full on man hating dyke. I hope whoever breaks her gets more than the toaster that is the standard conversion bonus.
So, Teela is presented to Queen Sumana, where she explains that she is Captain of the King’s Guards of Eternia. Queen Sumana is intrigued by this idea of a “king”, and wants to hear more about it as they tour the palace grounds. Uh, huh. That Queen Sumana seems a little too interested in the king, if you ask me. Is she maybe getting tired of tuna and wants to try a little beef? I think soooooooo. Elsewhere, despite the fact that he is captured and without his power sword, Prince Adam can’t help but comment on the beauty of the city. The warrior woman tells him to shut up and shoves him in a cell. Man, why can’t gays and lesbians get along? That’s a thing, right? Well, based on this scenario it would seem that while gay dudes are pretty happy-go-lucky, lesbians are kinda angry all the time. What’s that all about?
Anyway, the best part about this whole scene is, after Prince Adam is secured, one of the warrior women hold up his power sword and says, “What should we do with his… sword”. It’s like the word “sword” is too phallic for them, so as to be a vulgarity. I wonder what their bladed weapons look like, then? I bet it’s a kind of oblong hoop-shaped blade. They probably don’t eat bananas or cucumbers either. These are some hardcore lesbians, right here. So when Prince Adam was shoved into the cell, he fell through a trap door into a dungeon or something. He encounters another man, to whom he introduces himself as Prince Adam. The guy is like, “Tough titty, ‘prince’, you’re a slave now!”, and off they go to do man-slave things, like bone each other.
On their tour, Queen Sumana and Teela look out on the city from a veranda. Teela wonders how they could power such a large, powerful force field all the time. Queen Sumana explains they have a very plentiful mineral in the land, Acolyte, that fuels the force field, and that it is mined by man-slaves. 1) Okay, lesbians, if you women are so independent, how come you need muscley men to mine your minerals, and 2) if this mineral is so plentiful and such a good fuel, again, how has NOBODY heard of Arcadia? Well, Queen Sumana doesn’t dispute point number 1. She agrees that men are good for physical work, but they are too brutish to rule, let along commingle.
Down in the mines, Prince Adam steps up behind his new slave friend, Ananda, ready to get down to some man-slave love, when Ananda disappoints him by turning around and shoving a digging laser into his hands. Prince Adam is pretty horrified by the prospect of having to work at all, much less mining, and so he throws the mining laser against the wall, smashing it. No matter. They have another. Ananda lays the smack down and tells Prince Adam who the boss is. Prince Adam is going to have to work, no matter what.
Elsewhere, Teela has the nerve to attack Queen Sumana’s lifestyle and berates her for subjugating men this way. Suddenly, Ananda walks up and reports that the slave men are complaining again, especially the new guy, “Adam”. Teela gets so pissed off that they have captured and enslaved her dreamboat Adam that she even narrows her eyes at Queen Sumana. Ouch. That hurts. Way to stick it to her, Teela. Anyway, apparently this “Adam”, says the mines aren’t safe because they are being over-mined. Queen Sumana is all like, “What the fuck does that slacker know? Take care of it”.
Down in the mines, as Prince Adam blasts apart a rock on the ground, rocks from the ceiling fall on him. Ananda approaches and Prince Adam bitches about the unsafe conditions again. Instead of whipping Prince Adam and forcing him into submission, he’s like, “You don’t know the half of it, come with me and I’ll show you some really fucked up shit”! So, they tour areas where strong, bearded men are mining the fuck out of some minerals, and there is a constant crumbling of the mineral ceiling. Prince Adam asks what is above them, which, he is informed, is the whole damn city. These lesbians don’t seem so smart now. I guess none of them went to engineering school. I thought women could do anything (except maybe write their names in the snow with piss), but I guess these feminists are proving me wrong.
Prince Adam wonders why nobody has done anything about the mine conditions. Ananda explains that he thinks Queen Sumana likes him, but he doubts she would take him seriously if he tried to raise the issue. But, he suggests, she might listen to Prince Adam, because, you know, he’s a prince. Um, that totally already failed. Like, just a minute ago, Queen Sumana literally just said that she didn’t give a fuck what “Adam” thinks, because he has no expertise, and she’s right! He’s never worked a day in his life, much less has any engineering or mining knowledge. However, I will agree that it’s pretty clear the mine is falling apart.
In another part of the palace grounds, this ironworker woman is melting down some junk for no apparent reason, which includes Prince Adam’s power sword. I guess this is supposed to create further tension while we cut to Teela getting into further conflict with Queen Sumana and her warrior women. She’s now pissed them off enough that they fire on her. She blocks the shot and runs from the room. Down in the mines, Ananda is showing Prince Adam a ladder that leads up to the sewers. Prince Adam asks if Ananda might know where his sword was taken. Ananda tells him to check the foundry where they melt down metal, it’s probably there about to be melted down.
Having escaped from the warrior women, Teela wanders around wondering where all the men have been hidden. I knew she couldn’t kick the dick. She figures that if they are mining slaves, she probably needs to go down. Into the sewer, I mean, but maybe the other thing too. So she rips a grate up and slides down a tube. A sewer tube, stay with me here, you dirty birds. She encounters some minor peril as she traverses the sewer pipes in her decent, but nothing some gymnastics can’t over come. Then, if you can believe it, for the THIRD time, Teela shows us her ass again as she squats down for her landing at the sewer’s base. The camera even does the full pan up her backside again. Wow. Just, wow.
Prince Adam has reached the sewer level too, and is sprinting unwittingly and haphazardly toward Teela, who also hit the ground running (okay, it was squatting, and then running) on a collision course with Prince Adam. They do indeed crash into each other, but it happens off camera. When the camera pans over to them, they are holding each other and swooning like they are the oldest of lovers and have spent eons apart. Herein, I think, lies the real moral of the episode, and I’m going to place my bid early. It doesn’t matter if dudes want to love on dudes, or chicks want to love on chicks, or chicks want to love dick. What matters is that men and women need each other for balance, even if we’re not fucking each other. So don’t hate. Live and let live, man. Support gay marriage and move on with your life, because it will be exactly the same as it was before. Unless you’re gay, then it will be better.
Ok, stepping off my soap box, I find one of the warrior women appealing to Queen Sumana’s better senses. She’s worried that fucking with Prince Adam and Teela too much could cause a war with Eternia. Queen Sumana scoffs that even the Eternian army couldn’t get through their force field. Then, conveniently, Prince Adam shows up to tell Queen Sumana that she can shove her mines up her ass (if one can insert negative space anally), because they are about to collapse, and how does that suit her fancy invisible bubble shield? Instead of listening, she has Prince Adam caged again, and tells him he’s wrong, but not because he’s an engineer, but because he’s a man.
Teela tries to help, but she’s subdued while Prince Adam is hauled off shouting about the city caving in. Teela rags on Queen Sumana, but Queen Sumana can’t give in because with out Acolyte, they wouldn’t have a force field. Teela implores Queen Sumana to change her position on men, or she will lose her whole city, but Teela looks so sexy and vulnerable all bound up like that, all Queen Sumana can think about is finger banging her. I know how she feels. Queen Sumana is suddenly shaken from her fantasy when the whole palace tremors. Teela assures her that it is caused by the failing mine structure beneath the city. Queen Sumana relents and lets Teela and Prince Adam free to execute a plan that requires men and women to work together to save the city.
We cut to the foundry where Prince Adam’s power sword has miraculously not been melted down yet. Seriously, it was in the next pile to be picked up and melted, and tons of shit has gone down since the pile just ahead of it was placed in the furnace. Anyway, the ironworker woman picks it up specifically and moves to toss it in. I’m not sure it would even matter if she did. If this sword is so magical and powerful, don’t you think it wouldn’t melt? She throws it into the furnace, but it miraculously gets lodged in the opening. Prince Adam races to the foundry as spires crumble and fall all around him.
Down in the mines, as ordered, the men and women work together to shore up the mine system. One of the women even exclaims, “I think I like working with men”! Like I said, strap-ons are no substitute for the real thing, unless you are a true, blue-blooded lesbian, but I’m pretty sure they don’t use strap-ons. Queen Sumana looks on in distress. Even though her city has been saved, she can see the end of an era crumbling around her.
Prince Adam arrives in the foundry to find the ironworker woman trying to dislodge the power sword with some tongs. Another tremor causes the ground to split and flames to shoot up from the ground. But why would flames… the furnace is right in front… oh, forget it. She drops the sword, in the flames, of course, and runs off. Prince Adam activates Man-At-Arms’ new energy shield and uses it to plunge through the flames to rescue the power sword. Oh, I see what you did thar. His sword safely in hand, Prince Adam uses it to turn into He-Man, because apparently men and women working together isn’t good enough and he has to save things personally.
Down in the mines, Queen Sumana can see that their supports just aren’t enough. They fret, not knowing what to do, when He-Man barrels in and announces that he has plan. Queen Sumana’s mind is blown. Not only is a man, but he’s a HE-Man. That’s like extra man, and not only is he like extra man, he’s barely wearing any clothes. Queen Sumana’s face nearly melts. So, He-Man’s plan is to sprint down deeper into the mine where he puts his ear to the ground. Just as the thought, there’s an underground lava flow down there. Jesus, how fucking deep is this mine? He punches the ground, which splits it, of course, and frees the lava. He-Man races up the tunnel as the lava fills it.
This is a really shitty plan, I have to say. The lava would be so hot that it would melt all the existing supports, causing the whole mine structure to collapse before it came anywhere near hardening, which it probably won’t do, ever. Anyway, applying logic to this show is futile, especially when considering what happens next. As He-Man enters the main mine chamber, the one support beam they managed to put up topples and the whole city starts to sink. Because that one support beam would hold up the whole damn city. He-Man catches it and nearly busts a hernia lifting the whole city back up while returning the beam into place.
Putting the support beam back up took enough time that the lava catches up with him, so He-Man jumps up and grabs a stalactite, saving himself. Since he is stuck there with molten lava flowing beneath him, he swings his legs and repeatedly kicks the ceiling until he makes a hole and jumps up through it right up to street level. But then, as I predicted, the lava takes out the supports and the mine crumbles and falls in on itself. The city falls, but apparently only a couple feet, because, obviously, a mix of rocks and molten lava make a really good support base for a city. Despite the fact that, a fall of a few feet by an entire city would probably structurally ruin every building in it, He-Man declares his plan a success.
Later, Queen Sumana addresses her people – men and women together – from her balcony. She declares that He-Man and Teela have taught them all something; that men and women can work together, and since their precious shield is gone, they are going to have to work together, in order to protect their city. However, though the slave men are now free, they will have to use separate bathrooms and drinking fountains and shit. Except for Ananda, he’s going to be her king, because she’s dying to try this intercourse thing she’s heard so much about. On the way home, Teela is prattling on about how horrible the former subjugation of the Arcadian men was as Prince Adam takes a nap.
Prince Adam perks up and joins in, exclaiming that the whole thing was so stupid because men and women are exactly the same. Teela states that there is a little bit of difference between men and women and suggestively puts her hand on Prince Adam’s, hoping they’ll pull over and he will stuff her good and proper. Prince Adam awkwardly agrees that there is a little difference between men and women as he stares off and thinks about sweet, sweet penis, prying that Teela won’t rape him. Before she can jump him, Orko, who has been napping in the back of Attak Trak the whole time (personally, I think he nodded out after shooting some heroin), pops out of the back seat and breaks it up, because he can’t stand to see Teela lusting after someone else. It breaks his heart.
Time for this week’s moral! You already know what I think it’s about. Gay is gay, straight is straight, bi is bi, and we should all be able to marry the ones we love and move on to the future because it takes all of us to make the world the best it can be. Teela comes on screen to tell us about… the Magna Carta? Seriously, I did not see that one coming. I guess it’s kind of relevant, in a general sort of way, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with gender equality, or slavery. It seems like a quick lesson on emancipation or women’s suffrage might be a little more topical, but whatever.
He-Man murder count: 13 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 10
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Ananda
Linda Gary: Teela, Queen Sumana, Arcadian women
Louscheimer: Orko, Attak Trak