Oh, I see what they did there, “Double Edged Sword”. It’s like He-Man’s sword but… whatever, you get it. It’s not very clever. Welcome back to the regular series! Welcome to 2013, which will be a year full of He-Man, because there is still a long fucking way to go! At the Royal Palace, “Duncan” is taking Prince Adam and King Randor down to the energizer chamber. The thing is, their centuries old power source, Eternium, which looks like three, one-inch sugar cubes, is literally running out of power, at this moment. Seriously, the thing even blips out a few times. While they stare at it.
Apparently, according to King Randor, if it goes out, everything on the planet will come to a halt. The whole planet, huh? Okay, sure. Of course, Eternium is exceedingly rare and difficult to find. That’s a good energy plan, “Duncan”! Lets wait until the really hard to find shit is blinking out to replace it. That doesn’t sound familiar at all, who would do something like that? Prince Adam points out that if all the power goes out everywhere on Eternia, Skeletor would just walk right in and take over. I don’t really see how that would happen since he would be at just as much of a disadvantage, and especially because He-Man is the one that stops him all the time, not technology. This shit makes less sense than the show usually does.
Elsewhere, this very strange, black and white, flying elephant-worm is setting up this vase for a little boy to shoot with his scatter gun. The boy can’t hit it to save his life and starts bumming out because he will never be in the Royal Guard like his heroes, He-Man and Teela. His grandpa rolls up in a really high tech wheelchair, like the kind Professor X has in the X-Men comics, and is like, “Well, maybe you’re not cut out for the royal guard”.
This kid has a real hard-on for some hot military action. His Grandpa shits on that too, and is like, “violence is bad, let me tell you about how I got paralyzed”. But before he can, he notices something shiny and gets distracted. Turns out the boy’s wayward shot exposed a large hunk of Eternium inside the stone. I guess the shit’s not that hard to find after all. As it happens, the kid’s grandpa is “old friends” with King Randor, and sends word that his grandson has found Eternium, so Man-At-Arms sends Teela to go guard it.
At Snake Mountain, Mer-Man and Trap Jaw are being punished and are chained to Skeletor’s table monitor. While so chained, they discover the discovery of more Eternium, and conspire to steal it for themselves. This isn’t the first time Mer-Man and Trap Jaw have conspired against Skeletor. I can see why he ditches them for other henchmen later. Trap Jaw eats their way out of their chains, after Panthor balks at getting them the key for them, and they take off.
Out in the Sands of Time, where the Eternium was discovered, the boy is flying his grandfather around while trying to conceal the boner he’s developed when he was told the news that Teela is coming there, and he’s going to get to meet her. A ship passes overhead and he gets even more excited, but it turns out to be Mer-Man and Trap Jaw, who have come to steal the Eternium. They fire on the boy and his grandfather, but the old man is able to block all of their shots with his shield from where he sits in the back. Damn, those are some skills, right there. Elden, the grandfather (interesting name), shoots one blast back at Mer-Man and Trap Jaw and scares them off. The boy is super impressed with his wheelchair bound grandfather and makes goo-goo eyes at him.
Trap Jaw spots a lake nearby – a lake in the desert, mind you – and helpfully suggests that Mer-Man summon one of those water snake monsters that he controls. The gigantic thing rises from the desert lake, which is clearly too shallow for this snake monster to reside in. The boy wants his grandpa to blast the shit out of it, but Elden refuses to use his weapon on “any living thing”, which is funny because He-Man has murdered beasts such as this before. Instead, he suggests they cut and run and tells Chad, the boy, to high tail it out of there.
Cruising along in a wind raider, Teela is bitching because Man-At-Arms made her bring Prince Adam, Cringer, and Orko with her. Up ahead, they see Chad and Elden parked by the desert lake, being harassed by the snake monster. I guess Chad didn’t do a very good job getting them out of there. He’s as good of a get away driver as he is a pistol shot. Teela parks and they observe from cover while Teela tells them that it’s going to be dangerous. So, naturally, she is going in alone, which is the perfect opportunity for Prince Adam to recycle some animation and turn into He-Man so he can steal the show and win Chad’s affections away from Teela. While Prince Adam is stripping down into his He-Man outfit, Teela shows up just in time to save Chad and Elden, and has no problem shooting the water snake monster in the face.
He-Man runs in and tells Teela to get busy with the woman’s work: taking care of the adolescent and the geriatric while he takes out the water snake monster. He-Man ties up the monster with it’s own arms, then has the nerve to ask Teela to come over and put her finger down so he can finish his knot. Teela just laughs that sexy recycled laugh of hers, and since I haven’t found something better yet, I’ll make another gif out of it. I can’t really get enough of it anyway. Teela wonders where the fuck that pussy Prince Adam ran off to, and He-Man uses sneaky double speak to explain it away while trying not to bad mouth the fairy Prince of Eternia.
Mer-Man and Trap Jaw are circling back to clean up the blood and gore that the snake monster surely left behind after devouring the boy and his grandfather, when Mer-Man senses the monster is in distress. He realizes that He-Man has defeated the monster and is ready to give up their scheme to steal the Eternium. Then Trap Jaw has the brilliant idea that if he eats some of the Eternium, the most powerful mineral on the planet, it might make him more powerful. To prove what a good plan it is, he laughs maniacally.
After a stupid gag in which Orko gives the flying elephant-worm a treat and then sprays it with water on accident, they pass under some desert rock formations on top of which Mer-Man and Trap Jaw wait for He-Man and crew to pass under them. Trap Jaw uses a wench arm attachment to lower Mer-Man down, which takes forever. For some reason, the rope snaps and Mer-Man plummets to the ground, missing the caravan by a mile. How they expected him to make it had the rope not snapped and Mer-Man continued his initial molasses-like decent, I don’t know.
In desperation, Trap Jaw uses his grabber arm attachment to snatch the Eterium, which is just chilling on the dash of their cruiser. Trap Jaw gets it and takes a bite just as He-Man crests the edge of the rock platform. Immediately, Trap Jaw’s eyes glow with his newly obtained power. He-Man threatens to throw him off the rock, so Trap Jaw throws the rest of the Eternium aside because, well, them’s fightin’ words! Down below, the Eternium shatters on the sand, which makes sense. He-Man and Trap Jaw wrestle and both end up falling off the rock, but instead of shattering on the sand like the Eternium, they fall into the desert lake.
Trap Jaw emerges from the lake, and hurls He-Man into some rocks. He-Man recovers and warns Teela that Trap Jaw ate some Eternium and is now, like, super powerful. Trap Jaw throws a boulder at He-Man, which he just punches back, causing it to land in the water with a splash so large that it ejects Mer-Man, who has apparently just been hanging out under the water since he fell into it several minutes ago. Teela takes care of Mer-Man with her trusty bolo. Trap Jaw grapples He-Man with his claw arm. As He-Man struggles, dangling up in the air, Elden begs him to let him use his pistol (he’s really itching to use it now), but He-Man denies him. Instead, he simply flexes and breaks the grapple attachment, freeing himself.
Their ridiculous battle continues as Trap Jaw charges at He-Man, who simply side steps him, causing him to run through a rock wall like Wile E. Coyote. Trap Jaw eats his way back out of the rocks and comes at He-Man again, this time with a large boulder held up over his head. Suddenly, the Eternium wears off, Trap Jaw loses his strength and the boulder comes crashing down on his head. He snatches a small piece of the shattered Eternium and tries to eat it, but the flying elephant worm gets to it first, and unwittingly eats it. Instead of giving the creature, Furby, magical powers, it makes it sick, which is because, Chad explains, “Only magical creatures like Trap Jaw can eat rocks”.
He-Man lifts the boulder off of Trap Jaw and Teela arrests him to take him to the prison mines. Finally, they actually bothered to arrest someone!! Not that it matters, since there is no continuity in this show. He picks up the ailing Furby and says he knows someone that can help. He-Man takes Furby to the Sorceress who tells him it’s too late for her magic to help. Only the Chamber of Light can save Furby now, but a mortal will have to enter with him because it’s too powerful for her to control. Sure, why not. So He-Man goes through the portal to the Chamber of Light with Furby. I’m not sure He-Man qualifies as a “mortal” since he derives his powers from the same magic that the Sorceress does, but, sure, why not.
As Chad waits outside of Castle Grayskull, he sobs over the uncertain fate of his flying elephant-worm pet. His grandfather tries to distract him with a story by finally telling him about how he used to be able to walk and that he was a great soldier. Near the end of the Orc War, he was stationed near a mining facility out in the Sands of Time. Thinking himself a regular pistolero, he fires off his guns like a nut, missing all the Orcs, but succeeding in causing a rock slide which crushes his legs, leaving him paralyzed, but killing everyone else. And so, he swore off ever using a scatter ray again, probably more because he sucked than that he caused the deaths of his several fellow servicemen. Despite this story of – literally – crushing failure, Chad is impressed. Conveniently, now that the story is over, He-Man walks up, looking somber. However, He-Man is just fucking with them and the newly healed Furby pops out from behind him.
Now that Furby is safe, they have to solve the problem of the shattered Eternium, which He-Man easily does by squeezing the pieces really hard, making them back into a softball sized rock of Eternium. I bet He-Man could put coal up his ass and shit diamonds. I bet he actually has before. Then he turns to Chad and says, “So you want to be a soldier”? Chad says he’s having second thoughts because violence hurts people. He-Man mounts up on Battle Cat and says, “You bet your ass it does, maybe even someone you love”! Like Furby. But none-the-less, He-Man will give him a referral to the Royal Guard, if he wants it. I don’t know why, the kid doesn’t have a redeeming trait, aside from enthusiasm.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how if the power source for the entire planet is about to run out, which will allow Skeletor the opportunity to just waltz in and take over the place, Skeletor should actually be in the fucking episode! Or, if you have an episode called “Double Edged Sword”, which sure seemed like it would be a double entendre, it should probably have something to do with an actual sword. I actually can’t figure out what the title is in reference to. Unless it’s the metaphorical dichotomy of the joy and conflicting guilt that living a life of sanctioned military violence can cause. Instead, He-Man comes on the screen to say that, “Sometimes television adventure series, like this one, make shooting guns and punching people and playing with swords and murder seem cool, but, it’s not cool. It’s not cool at all, because someone could get hurt. So, don’t try this at home kids”.
He-Man murder count: 15 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 13
IMDB Cast list:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Elden
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Chad
Lou Scheimer: Okro, King Randor, Trap Jaw