Oh, I wonder if this episode will be about Teela relapsing into that fling with crystal meth she had back in Episode 6 “Teela’s Quest” and go on a shadow beast and meth bender. That is probably my favorite episode to date. It’s also, by far, the most viewed episode. Well, things are looking good for a relapse as we open on a snowy landscape with jagged spikes of “ice” everywhere. The whole royal court is out for some winter fun, skiing, playing in the snow, things like this. And so, my hopes of an entertaining relapse are dashed in the light of a strong family support structure. Also, I re-read episode 6, and it was the Crystal (meth) Sea that Teela went to. Oh, well.
Suddenly, this strange wind starts blowing, and one by one, they all start disappearing, starting with Queen Marlena. When Man-At-Arms is the last one standing, he draws his light saber to protect him against… wind. Prince Adam, as inconsiderate as ever, has gone way ahead of the group, accompanied by Orko, and is idly waiting for everyone to catch up. Orko gets hungry, which suits Prince Adam just fine, so Prince Adam presses the button to activate his automatic skis and they head back to the wind raider. Damn, he is lazy. Even his skis do all the work for him.
Before he can eat, Prince Adam notices that all the other’s tracks end in the same spot. He decides that something weird is going on, but before he can do his chant, recycle some animation, and turn into He-Man, he falls into the snow. Turns out he was standing on a trap door. Orko stares at it expectantly, waiting for Prince Adam to pop out as He-Man, any second now. When he doesn’t, Orko decides he better investigate on his own. He does a spell, and gets inside.
Now exploring some ice caverns, Orko comes upon a Viking, sitting on an ice throne. This Viking commands a giant spider that, apparently, spins ice blocks instead of webs, and has trapped everyone, including Prince Adam, who is stuck in his “I held aloft my magic sword” pose. Too bad Prince Adam wasn’t able to reveal his “fabulous secret powers” in time. The Viking exposits to his frozen, captive audience, apologizing for having had to capture all of them, but how else was he supposed to lure He-Man here?
He wants to meet He-Man because he has heard of all his great feats, and wants to engage in some Nordic feats of strength, like log tossing and shit. That’s a strange reason to kidnap and hold the royal court hostage. Orko gets the bright idea that, since this guy has never met He-Man before, he won’t know that Orko is not He-Man. So, Orko conjures a sword and pretends to be He-Man. Oh, please, that will never work!
The Viking laughs at Orko while he makes his best angry face, and strikes a brave pose, sword pointed up and out. The jig is up when the sword wilts, because Orko’s magic sucks. The Viking suggests that Orko can prove he’s really He-Man; the test is simple. Slush, the spider, will attempt to encapsulate him in crystal, because the real He-Man would be able to take out a giant spider, no problem. Orko is shaking already, the point of his sword magnifying his obvious fear. He manages to spurt some fireballs from the sword, which still ends up with Orko getting trapped in ice, while the Viking simply ducks behind his chair to avoid the mild peril Orko has ejaculated.
Orko gets lucky when one of those errant fireballs strikes his ice prison, smashing it. The Viking readily recognizes Orko as the true He-Man, but proceeds to say that he has armies of minions like slush, and although he doesn’t want to, he will use them to stop the mighty He-Man, because he must. When Orko asks why he must, he suggests they strike a bargin instead of answering the question. He agrees to free Orko’s friends, but only if he first saves his daughter. Orko negotiates the release of one of his friends first, in good faith. Guess which one?
Upon receiving Orko’s promise that he will “try” to save his daughter, the Viking releases Prince Adam after Orko explains he’s his assistant. Back above ground, as they head to the wind raider, Orko suggests that Prince Adam turn into the real He-Man and free the rest of the royal court. Prince Adam refuses, saying that they are going to Snake Mountain so Orko can free the Viking’s daughter, as he promised would. After Orko pouts for a minute doubting his ability to follow through successfully, Prince Adam quits busting his balls and turns into He-Man.
On the way to Snake Mountain, Orko tries to weasel out of his promise some more, but He-Man insists, that as Orko’s “assistant”, Orko must see this through on his own. He-Man says they have to go it on foot the rest of the way, which means that they have to climb up and over Snake Mountain and get in through the mouth. Trap Jaw is in the mouth, keeping a look out for the Ice Lord (the Viking guy), who should be arriving any minute with the captured royal family. As far as I can tell, Skeletor wants the Ice Lord because he’s pissed about the reception his table monitor gets in the ice realm. It seems all he gets is “snow”. Yeah, he really says that. Once he delivers the royal family, Skeletor is going to make the Ice Lord fix his cable.
Skeletor sends Beast Man to check on the Ice Lord’s daughter, which is just an excuse to have her punk him with her ice powers a few times, then he leaves. Meanwhile, He-Man lowers Orko down into the mouth of the snake and manages to get Trap Jaw all tied up. Trap Jaw goes for the alarm, but He-Man picks up a really long pole that is only there so he can say, “This is the ten-foot pole I wouldn’t touch you with”, then he tries to touch him with it. Oh, good God. Why do I sit through this!?
He-Man gets the pole stuck in Trap Jaw’s mouth, Orko ties a length of rope to each end, then He-Man hangs him off of the snake’s tooth to dangle there. Orko and He-Man head deeper into the castle while Orko babbles noisily, until He-Man silences him with his hand, and pulls him around a corner. They narrowly avoid being seen by Skeletor as he walks by. Skeletor is on his way to chide the Ice Lord’s daughter into getting her father to hurry the fuck up with delivering the royal family, or he’ll turn the heat up in the room. Since he can’t get reception in the ice realm, I don’t really know how this would work without letting her go, which would steal Skeletor’s leverage.
Skeletor leaves and He-Man and Orko slip into the room after him. He-Man snaps the bars and frees the Ice Lord’s daughter. She’s doubtful as to the ease of their mission to rescue her, but He-Man insists that they just have to walk out. However, on their way out, they encounter Beast Man “making soup”. He’s so startled by He-Man, that he flips a lever that dumps super hot water on him. If only He-Man had flipped that switch, I could count that as an attempted murder – Beast Man could die from the third degree burns he is surely going to get.
For some reason, the Ice Lord’s daughter uses her powers to freeze the water before it burns Beast Man. He-Man just uses the empty pot to trap Beast Man and they move on. Beast Man manages to wander into Skeletor’s war room where Skeletor is failing to raise Trap Jaw on the intercom. Skeletor frees Beast Man and discovers that He-Man is on the loose in Snake Mountain. Skeletor and Beast Man catch up with He-Man just as they reach the mouth of the snake again. The Ice Lord’s daughter uses her powers to slip up Skeletor and Beast Man. Trap Jaw has chewed his way up the rope some how, so He-Man uses him like a bowling ball and takes out Skeletor and Beast Man with him. Skeletor on ice. That should be a thing, I would totally go watch that.
For some reason, He-Man has to use his muscles to pry the mouth of the snake open so they can all run out. Never mind that the mouth of the snake is really high up. That’s like a death sentence. Skeletor bickers with his minions on the floor, then we cut to the Ice Lord’s daughter thanking He-Man outside on the ground. Seriously, they never explain how they escape by just running out of the mouth of the snake. He-Man tries to give all the credit to Orko, but it’s really not due at all.
Back in the Ice Lord’s throne room, everyone has been freed, and the Ice Lord is apologizing for his actions, but tries to justify them because he was under duress from Skeletor, and all because Skeletor’s cable is broken. King Randor tells him, next time, “just ask for help”. The Ice Lord’s daughter wants to thank “He-Man”, so she pulls Orko close and smooches him on his cheek, which gives Orko a hat boner and makes steam blow out of his ears. Prince Adam makes a loaded comment about how “the hero always gets the reward”.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how if you fake like you’re a big tough guy, you better put your money where your mouth is. Even if you enlist your big, tough friend to do all the heavy lifting, you should take all the credit because it’ll get you laid. Man-At-Arms comes on the screen to back me up, saying that if you make a promise, you better fucking keep it, no matter what. And then you’ll get laid. Remember that, kids. No. Matter. What.
Hey, what’s Man-At-Arms standing in front of? That’s unfortunate. It looks like he has Martian head feelers or something. It would be one thing if this was filmed and they weren’t paying attention, but they had to draw it this way. What the hell?
He-Man murder count: 15 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 13
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Ice Lord
Linda Gary: Teela, Queen Marlena, Snowflake
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Trap Jaw