Here we are again. Some ancient thing in Eternia is returning as yet another contrivance of the writers to provide excuses for recycling some animation and demanding a full paycheck. Fabulous secret powers. I haven’t said that in a while! Oh, that reminds me – some house keeping bits. So, ever since the blog moved to the domain from Blogspot, the first 20 episodes or so have smaller screen caps and were still hosted on Blogspot. Also, the formatting got all fucked and the borders got lost. I’m working on redoing those episodes (I’m through episode 9 currently) – fixing the formatting, making the screen caps bigger and putting the borders back on, but best of all, I’m redoing all the gifs. I used to capture 10 – 40 frames individually and manually then animate them, which was excruciating. My process evolved since then, so the old eps are getting an overhaul with improved gifs (and maybe even a new one here and there!). So, check go check out the archives!
We open on a full moon over looking a placid mountain lake. If not for the rocky crags, it looks quite inviting. Actually, as we pan over to find grassy fields, it turns out that it is rather inviting. Just when I think this can’t be the rocky Eternia I know, I see the royal palace in the background, and in the foreground is a fortress where I spy the silhouettes of Trap Jaw and Beast Man, scurrying across the top, surely up to no good. Beast Man complains that he can’t see a thing, which is odd, since, generally, animals see pretty well in the dark. It must be because of blurred, drunken vision. Beast Man kicks in a door while Trap Jaw yells about how they should be quieter. Then Beast Man whisper-yells to acknowledge the pink crystal they came to steal.
They sneak it onto the palace grounds, intending to leave the stolen crystal there, when Beast Man tries to convince Trap Jaw to sell it with him and split the proceeds. If I remember right, Trap Jaw has previously attempted to undercut Skeletor in a similar fashion, but this time he says that the Gryphon will destroy every thing in its path to get the crystal back, so it’s not worth it. Beast Man dutifully hides it behind a bush. Never mind Skeletor’s plan to run the Gryphon through the royal palace like a tornado, if having this crystal around is so dangerous, why is it being housed so near the royal palace to begin with? These people have the worst homeland security, I swear.
In the palace, a thin, young boy wakes up and stretches. I notice the top bunk is empty, which can only mean that Prince Adam is a dine-and-dash kind of guy. His name is Chad (!), and he’s a royal page, which is revealed when his handler, or master or whatever, pounds on the door and orders him to duty. The boy whines in an English-esque accent and pouts on his way to duty until he literally runs into Prince Adam. Awwwwwwwkward… Prince Adam regards Chad (his name is Chad!) casually, with a smirk hinting that they were in each other’s mouths all night, then goes on his way like they weren’t. Chad is really pissed now. He’s tired of being used and underappreciated – especially when he gives the best adolescent head in the land.
Chad sits down and continues his bitching when he notices the pink crystal behind a bush and decides to keep it because, why the fuck not – the universe owes him. As he stands there staring at it, Teela approaches, shouting for a pageboy. She finds Chad holding a big pink crystal and immediately creams her unitard. You know, this boy really does have it rough, first he’s swallowing Prince Adam’s seed all night, now Teela’s going to make him try her red muff on like a beard. She asks his name and where he got it. Not caring that he just found this shit behind a bush or who the actual owner might be, she makes plans to slime him later and walks off to douche and make other preparations for her special pageboy.
Out in the fortress a couple ancillary characters have discovered that the crystal is gone. The young longhaired one trivializes the fact that it is gone (never mind its explicitly stated monetary value), saying that the Gryphon (pronounced gry-fon, rather than griff-fon) is just a legend. The old man tells him it’s not just a legend, and they done fucked up. Right on cue, the Gryphon shows up, and it’s a dragon with a lion’s head, rather than an eagle with a lion’s body, which I guess is because they pronounce it all fucked up.
In Man-At-Arms’s lab, Man-At-Arms is tinkering with his new freeze ray when it goes off and freezes Orko. Chad wanders in and asks if Man-At-Arms will check out his crystal. For once, Man-At-Arms doesn’t immediately know what it is or divine that it’s part of Skeletor’s evil plot. He wants to keep it overnight for study but Chad flips out and runs off with it, claiming it makes him important. Both Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms scoff and imply that nothing could ever make Chad important. Before they can rip on him some more, a distress call comes over the monitor and Prince Adam turns into He-Man while Orko applauds him. Sycophant.
The Gryphon is fucking shit up and getting really angry that because the crystal is gone. He-Man arrives in Attak Trak to find a village in flames. The Grypon tries to flame He-Man, but since he couldn’t be anymore flaming already, He-Man is unscathed. He notices the scenic lake we opened on and I guess plans to rupture it to either extinguish (and flood out) the village, or douse the Gryphon, I’m not sure which. Though he probably also flooded the village, he definitely douses the Gryphon. It seems a little ticked and shakes off the water like a dog.
I’m sure it’s not over, when we cut back to Man-At-Arm’s lab where He-Man is explaining that he took care of the Gryphon, but it will probably be back. I really don’t know how that stopped it even temporarily. It seemed pretty unfazed to me. He-Man reveals that the Gryphon is looking for a missing crystal. Chad is eavesdropping behind a pillar and expresses fear that they will take the crystal from him when Teela walks up, fresh, prepped and ready to bang. The boy loses his shit and takes off with the jewel. Scorned, Teela tattles to Man-At-Arms and He-Man that Chad ran off with the Jewel.
A distress call comes over the monitor and informs them that the Grypon is headed straight for the palace, so He-Man and Man-At-Arms run off to defend it while Teela runs off, with questionable motives, to find Chad. Standing atop the palace, Man-At-Arms tinkers with his freeze ray more when He-Man suggestively lays his hand on its shaft. Before the situation escalates to a full-on fleshy sword fight, the Gryphon shows up. It’s back with a vengeance and knocks a big spire over which He-Man has to jump down and catch.
Elsewhere, Chad is evading Teela, afraid of losing his crystal inside of her fiery nether-regions, and hides under a bush, which seems a little ironic. He-Man tries to buy everyone some time by grabbing the Gryphon by the tail and hurling it into outer space, but it hurries right back. Man-At-Arms fires his freeze ray, but the Gryphon is able to stop the blast with his fire breath. The freeze ray sputters out, but it doesn’t matter because the Gryphon takes off, sensing the crystal is elsewhere.
In some woods near the royal palace, Chad is pissing and moaning about giving up his crystal to Teela, because no one will like him without it. Teela literally says, “Do you like me, Chad?”, in a sexy, seductive voice. She tries to convince him that people don’t like him for his jewel, well, maybe his “family jewels”, but not the pink crystal in his hand. With some more sweet talking from Teela, Chad decides that being valued for his nubile, adolescent pageboy body instead of his riches is good enough, and he gives up the crystal.
As soon as Teela takes it, the Gryphon shows up to complicate things. Teela and Chad run for it while the Gryphon sets fire to the woods around them. He-Man jumps out of a wind raider as Man-At-Arms flies overhead so that he can “knock down the flames”. Man-At-Arms lowers an anchor, of all things, to hoist Teela and Chad up to the wind raider. Teela watches anxiously, massaging Chad’s shoulders, as it lowers.
He-Man looks around for a while, then sees yet another reservoir and runs for, like, a really long time (I can tell because they blur him and his surroundings as he runs, then fade to him arriving at a mountain base) so he can use it to put out the flames. Naturally, He-Man snaps the top off of a mountain, then throws it into the lake, which makes a big splash and puts out all the fires. Naturally.
Now that everything is flooded (again), Man-At-Arms declares that the crystal is still down there, and they need to get it. The Gryphon hovers overhead, getting more and more angry. Cruising along in the wind raider, they spot the crystal stuck in a floating branch in the water below. Suddenly, the crystal starts to warp until it breaks, revealing a baby Gryphon! Awwwww! As it turns out, both mama Gryphon and baby Gryphon are afraid of the water, and now need saving. Before He-Man can do it, Chad mans up and decides it’s his responsibility.
He jumps over board, swims to the log and lifts the baby just a few inches out of the water, which apparently is far enough for mama gryphon to rescue it. She’s all happy as shit all of the sudden and just takes off with her baby to go be happy and not burn the planet down. At the palace, He-Man, Teela, and Man-At-Arms stand around looking sternly at Chad, so that they can keep him subservient and continue to have their sexual ways with him. Just to keep him from breaking, they compliment his heroism in saving the baby so he feels just good enough about himself that he will continue to let them molest him.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how having an adolescent sex slave is tough. You have to make sure that you strike the right balance of abuse and adulation in order to successfully keep them subservient. Also, it doesn’t hurt to show them something shiny every once in a while. Man-At-Arms, accompanied by Orko, comes on screen to tell us there was a really special moment in this episode. Orko guesses a number of feats He-Man performed, but none of them are it. Man-At-Arms tells us it was when he “saw a boy grow into a man”. He really said that, the old pervert.
He-Man murder count: 16 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes Missing Skeletor: 17 (episodes that only mention him by name don’t count as being in them).
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Villager
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Galen
Linda Gary: Teela, Chad
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Royal Guards, Attak Trak
Oh, that’s just too perfect. Chad was voiced by the only female voice actor on the show!