Oh my God, Evil Dead was so good. I can’t wait for the unrated Bluray!
Wouldn’t it be cool if this episode had some deeper back-story on He-Man’s power sword? Wouldn’t it? Don’t get your hopes up, unless you like having them smashed on the floor like teeth after a curb-stomp. Hopefully they provide that back-story in the special, “He-Man and Teela: Secret of the Sword”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not included there either. We open with a slow pan in from outside the planet and until we have zoomed in on two kids standing by a stream in the woods. The music that plays whenever Orko is doing something annoying is on, so I know he’s around somewhere.
I prove correct immediately as Orko comes on-screen floating over the river, on his back, followed by a floating bucket of water. That’s it. He’s just goofing off to entertain the kids. It turns out everyone is out there to go camping, and Man-At-Arms is trying to start a fire with a flint strike, but he’s failing. He gruffly and stubbornly refuses Teela’s suggestion of using technology to start the fire. He claims his refusal is because he wants to get closer to nature, but I suspect it’s because he “invented” the flint strike he’s using, as he has a habit of inventing things that have existed for a while already.
As I might have guessed (but didn’t), the bucket of water was present so that Orko could fuck up his levitation trick and have it invariably fall on Man-At-Arms’ head, which certainly isn’t going to help him start a fucking fire. Suddenly, everything goes right to fucking Hell when a volcano erupts, the ground splits, separating the kids from their mother, and a rock monster steps out to harass them all. Prince Adam whispers to Cringer that he should run into the woods, as a ruse so that he can chase after him and recycle some animation in private. Teela calls after Prince Adam, chastising him for chasing after his pet at a time like this, and completely misses the irony when He-Man steps out and she doesn’t realize it’s Prince Adam.
So, it seems like the logical thing to do now would be to jump over the chasm with Cringer and rescue the kids right? Nope. He-Man loops a rope around his power sword and throws it across to lodge it in the ground on the other side. Oh, well, that’s kind of logical, the kids can just climb across now, right? A little dangerous, but, okay. Nope. Instead, He-Man starts reeling the rope in, closing the chasm, all the while looking like he’s struggling with an uncomfortably large shit. And it goes on for so long – his grunts and groans – that I can’t even capture it all in a gif because it’s too long, but here’s a good sample.
Once the other side is close enough, Man-At-Arms jumps across the other side to get the kids. Man-At-Arms jumps back to safety with the kids, just as He-Man starts to lose his grip. His hands smoke as the rope slides through them, and he just can’t seem to stop the other side – the side with his sword – from slipping away. He just couldn’t have done something more conventional to save those kids, could he? It’s cool, he’s just going to use the wind raider to rescue it. Why he didn’t do that to get the kids in the first place, I don’t know. It certainly would have been more conventional. Oh, wait, I know why. Fucking show off.
He-Man takes off in a wind raider and Teela goes off to find Prince Adam and tear him a new one. Orko points out the obvious to Man-At-Arms – she’s not going to find Prince Adam until He-Man gets his sword back. Look, if she doesn’t already know that Prince Adam is He-Man, and she doesn’t, she’s never going to figure it out. He-Man lands on the other side just as the rock monster has adopted his sword as its new plaything.
The rock monster stomps around playing warrior and He-Man asks nicely for his sword. The rock monster responds by slashing at He-Man, so He-Man coils the rope between his wrists and pulls it taught. He raises it above his head and the rock monster strikes the ropes several times, which fail to cut it. I don’t get that at all. Even a sword that is not magical would cut through those ropes pretty quickly. A retarded baby rock monster attacks He-Man, which leads to He-Man falling in the chasm. Then the volcano erupts more and the chasm starts to close. He-Man takes the time to utter some bad puns, then jumps out with a fancy gymnast-like prowess.
While He-Man was busy cracking jokes about indecisive seismic activity, the rock monster and his mentally challenged cohort take off into a cave with the power sword. Before He-Man can go after them, the entrance to the cave gets blocked by a landslide. He-Man tries to move the rocks, but there’s just too many. He-Man runs off to get a “battle ram” so he can recover his sword when Teela walks up, pissed off that she can’t find Prince Adam. She surmises he probably went back to the palace to take a beauty nap, which seems like a pretty realistic guess.
Back at the palace, Man-At-Arms is tinkering with the battle ram while Teela’s labes get even more chapped about Prince Adam’s disappearing act. She continues to bitch about it and even tells He-man to tell Prince Adam not to be such a douche, and then makes an unwitting comment about how Prince Adam is never around at the same time. Ram Man picks up the thread and repeats it like J. Peterman’s mother shouted “Bosco” on Seinfeld. He-Man gets kind of uncomfortable, what with everyone pointing out that He-Man and Prince Adam are never present at the same time. Then he says probably the most suspicious thing that he could possibly say, “When I get my sword back, I’m sure I can produce Prince Adam”.
Back at the cavern, Ram Man, at his own insistence, tries to head-butt it open, which only gives He-Man a reason to say, “I told you so”. Ram Man suggests that Man-At-Arms’ use his laser to melt the fucker upon (continuity?), but He-Man rejects the idea because there could be “lots of rock people in there that could get hurt”. Since when does He-Man care about hurting beasts and monsters? Just check the murder count – sure, he doesn’t kill humans, but, oh, he’s killed before. I’m not sure what happened to the battle ram, but Ram Man ends up breaking the rocks open just as Orko announces that he found another entrance around the side. That nobody thought to look for another entrance before they went all the way back to the palace in the first place is shameful.
As they walk through the cave, Orko delights in all the pretty cave paintings and remarks about how gentle and peaceful the rock people are. He-Man and Man-At-Arms shit all over that idea, and get instant comeuppance when they come upon the rock monster, Togar, waiving the power sword around, shouting from his soap box and trying to incite a violent, human blood soaked riot. He-Man discounts Togar’s influence by implying that waving a sword in people’s faces does not make one a leader.
Anyway, He-Man’s plan is to use his trusty rope (which is somehow still intact after hauling a chasm closed and being chopped repeatedly with the power sword) to swing down from the rafters and snatch the sword from Togar. As a means of distraction, Ram Man jumps down and starts bouncing all over the place like a maniac while He-Man swings into action. Togar just kind of stares around dumbly, moaning like Sloth in The Goonies until He-Man and Ram Man crash into each other and fall to the ground, right in front of all the rock people.
Togar commands the rock people to crush them, but they all cover their eyes in horror at the thought of the human’s squishy, icky flesh under their feet. He-Man stands up and gets into a philosophical debate with this simpleton, Togar, about what makes a leader. Togar is pretty sure that it’s violence and weapons, but He-Man insists that it’s not. Boy, is that the pot calling the kettle black! Togar really has a wild hair up his ass and wants to fight He-Man. He-Man refuses to fight, so Togar orders the retarded rock monster to steal Man-At-Arm’s gun and force He-Man to fight at gunpoint. I think Togar has been watching a little too much WWE or MMA or something…
Well, bad idea to let the mentally handicapped rock monster handle the laser blaster, because he shoots the damn support beams, and now the whole place is in peril of falling on their energy source – a hole that goes straight down to the planet’s molten core, which thus provides heat. He-Man rushes to physically support the whole infrastructure, while Togar looks dumbly back and forth between the power sword and He-Man. Finally, He-Man convinces Togar to help Ram Man and Man-At-Arms shove a big boulder under the falling rock, thus staving off certain doom.
Okay, so that was pretty good right? Nope. Now Togar decides weapons are evil, and he chucks the power sword and the pistol right down the fucking pit to the center of Eternia. Oh, shit… He-Man tries to resign himself to the fact that he will never be Prince Adam again as he fights back tears stares down the well. Doesn’t seem like such a big deal, really, having to be He-Man all the time. After a screen wipe, He-Man grits his teeth and waives good-bye as Togar stands below and rips down the ladder leading out and requests that He-Man seal the entrance to the cave so the rock people will no longer be influenced by the outside world. What a dick! Not only is he not going to help get the sword back, but he kicks them out and asks them to brick up the door on their way!
Outside, He-Man sends every one else back to the palace to find Orko while He-Man seals the cave’s main entrance. As he circles around to seal up the side entrance too (wow, that’s above and beyond, really), Orko shows up and asks if He-Man wants to see a trick. He-Man is actually quite pissy and shits all over Orko. Orko does his trick anyway, which is to produce the power sword from his hat. What the fuck. What a cheap resolution!
So, it turns out that Orko had gone down to the bottom of the allegedly bottomless pit to get an energy fix and wouldn’t you know it, he happened to catch the sword. Well, how do you like that? Now, what I want to know is, what does He-Man have to do to turn back into Prince Adam? We’ve never seen that. Does he have to say his power phrase backwards? That would be interesting. I taught myself to say, “I am Satan” backwards, syllabically. True story. It sounds something like, “Nay-tise may-yah”.
But, no, we don’t get to find out. Instead, we cut back to the Palace where Teela is sitting all demurely, ready to witness He-Man storm in, having apprehended Prince Adam, and tear him a new one for being such a douche, right in front of her. That’s some fantasy, Teela! As you might have guessed, Prince Adam walks in alone. Prince Adam alleges that He-Man already “tore him a new one”, while Teela laments not having seen it, as Man-At-Arms just mutters “how?” in a slow drawl, over and over. Prince Adam refuses to reveal any details and then walks off casually with Cringer as Teela seethes.
We cut to Prince Adam busting Cringer’s balls about how he almost had to be Battle Cat forever, the idea of which makes Cringer, well, cringe. Then, inexplicably, Cringer licks the side of Orko’s face. Orko says he’s going to turn cringer into a dragon, then Cringer hides in a clay pot in fear. The episode comes full circle as we pan back out into outer space.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how anybody that can’t figure out that Prince Adam is He-Man should be taken out and shot. Seriously, they look exactly the same, except He-Man has less clothes and his voice echoes and isn’t nasally, and he walks around with a giant green and orange tiger, just like Prince Adam. How hard is that to put together? At least Superman changes his appearance a little. Instead, He-Man comes on tell us that weapons suck and what matters is respect for others and being a good person. The way I figure it is if you’re a good person and you have weapons, you’re like, twice as good of a person.
He-Man murder count: 17 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes Missing Skeletor: 22
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Rabar
Linda Gary: Teela, Young Girl, Mother
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Togar