By the power of Grayskull, I have the power… to watch another episode of He-Man. We open at some time in some place where a bunch of Bane wannabe’s are dressed up like Storm Troopers, playing guard. They bar a stranger from entry, only it’s no stranger, it’s Mollek, who you may recall from Episode 24, “Wizard of Stone Mountain”. He was the guy with the Fatal Attraction syndrome that tried to put Teela’s head on a pike. Last we left him, he had promised to fight the good fight.
He exposits with the guards about how the Wizard Kothos is on the loose and trying to get his hands on the Fountain of Life, which they just so happen to be guarding. As Mallek babbles, a strange mist drifts past his feet, into the chamber holding the fountain of Life, then it materializes into a werewolf. Yep, a werewolf. A werewolf that sounds like a bird screeching. After banishing the abomination back to the nether region, Mallek swoons and says he is getting worn out from all this wizard’s bullshit, so he’s going to call He-Man, like that guy owes him a favor.
At the Palace, Mallek explains his plight to Prince Adam, Teela and Man-At-Arms and then pretty quickly is all like “Send He-Man… and Teela”. I guess she figures that Mallek won’t try to pull a Sideshow Bob on her with He-Man around, so Teela asks Man-At-Arms to summon him, or whatever he does. She practically pecks him on the cheek with one foot off the ground, then scampers out of the room. Man-At-Arms barely says one thing before Prince Adam just whips his sword out and turns into He-Man. Shouldn’t he at least, like, come in from outside, or try to make it look like he came from somewhere else other than the very fucking spot Prince Adam was standing two seconds ago?
Cruising through the desert in a wind raider, He-Man and Teela raise the attention of the Wizard Kothos, who looks something like a cross between Notorious BIG and Jabba the Hut, who. Of course, Kothos is watching them on his crystal ball. At Snake Mountain, Skeletor is holding court with Clawful, Evil-Lyn, and… oh, wait. That’s it. Just the three of them. Man, he really did fire the other goons, didn’t he? Where was that episode? That would have been a good episode! So anyway, Skeletor’s “spies” in the desert (and surprisingly not his table monitor) are telling him that Kothos is after the Fountain of Life.
If Skeletor can manage to drink from the Fountain of Life, he can become all-powerful! He commands Evil-Lyn and Clawful to go steal it for him. Evil-Lyn blatantly challenges Skeletor and asks what’s to stop her from taking the power for herself, so Skeletor blasts a hole in the wall and says, “this, bitch”! Evil-Lyn acts sufficiently threatened, but I’m not convinced. Why the fuck hasn’t Skeletor fired her ass yet? Is he waiting for the season finale so the episode can not cover it, and he will just inexplicably come back next season with all new cronies?
At the Fountain of Life, Mallek quickly explains everything all over again while He-Man stands around with his fists on his hips waiting for something to punch and pretending to be interested. Outside, Kothos is making his move in broad daylight, with only a couple of orc thugs with spiked bats to aid him. His plan is simple: defeat He-Man, take fountain. So, Kothos conjures a sand monster to do just that for him. As He-Man’s punches just continue to get sucked into the sand monster’s malleable body, Evil-Lyn and Clawful sneak in the door behind them.
Evil-Lyn sends Clawful to ensure that He-Man loses the fight, then goes off to steal the fountain. On her way, Mallek does little more than step in Evil-Lyn’s path, docilely. She uses a simple spell to cause him to sleep right there in the hallway. Evil-Lyn comes upon the Fountain of Life, and surely, she’s going to usurp it for herself. Before she can slurp up a refreshing mouthful, Teela shows up, sword in hand.
We cut back to He-Man where he quickly takes out the sand monster by using his breath to blow the thing away. Just as he moves to go protect the Fountain of Life, Clawful reaches up through the sand and grabs his ankle. We cut back to Teela and Evil-Lyn, where Teela his batting Evil-Lyn’s magic blasts away with her sword. Suddenly, the whole temple begins to quake and crack as it lifts off into the sky, leading Teela to accuse Evil-Lyn of it. Evil-Lyn swears it’s not her when no sooner does Kothos show up and claim responsibility.
Kothos quickly devises that Skeletor is also after the fountain. Before Evil-Lyn can take action against him, he sucks all her powers up into a crystal, then teleports she and Teela down to the desert. Stranded in the desert, Teela and Evil-Lyn bicker about who’s fault it is. In the interest of survival, they call a truce and try to find their way out of the desert. Teela is hopeful that He-Man will rescue them, but Evil-Lyn assures her that Crawful is ripping He-Man’s throat out as they speak, and that they don’t need some stupid meathead to come rescue them.
Clawful has pulled He-Man down into a cave and is playing hide and seek. From above, Clawful smashes some rocks down onto He-Man. But just because He-Man likes to kill others this way, doesn’t mean he can be killed this way. He breaks out, knocks Clawful down, then wraps him up in a rock, like a rug. Seriously, I don’t care how strong He-Man is, you can’t roll solid rock like that, at least not without superheating it. You can rock and roll, but you can’t roll rock. He-Man then bids Clawful a good trip back to Snake Mountain and throws him through the rock wall to send him sailing all the way there. Clawful is lucky he’s a supporting character, or he’d surely be dead.
Back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor is beginning to fret because his girlfriend, Clawful, hasn’t called yet. Just as he’s about to pull a pycho-bitch move and go drive around in his car looking for him, Clawful comes crashing in through the ceiling, trying to cover his failure with the dust and debris of his shameful entrance. Clawful mumbles about He-Man and how everything is under control. Skeletor stands up and prays to all that is Evil-Lyn that she can pull this one out of her ass, and also not double cross him.
In the desert, Teela and Evil-Lyn are panting with thirst. Suddenly, Evil-Lyn pulls off her mantle piece, revealing close-cropped white hair. My eyes bulged. Seriously, I did not see that coming. I always assumed she had long black hair for some reason, not a mature dyke gym teacher’s coiffure… Here’s what I think happened: she used to be after Skeletor’s nuts, but then she realized he’s gay for He-Man and a hapless, abusive fuck-up, so she cut her hair short, died it silver and changed to the ladies team. Because women are typically smarter and more manipulative than men, she hangs around Skeletor to glom off his evil plans and steal the fruits for herself.
Teela insults Evil-Lyn for her inability to use her magic to sustain them in the desert, then shows off by chopping a cactus in half to reveal a convenient pool of water inside. Teela takes some pity on Evil-Lyn for her inability to trust, and once they get rehydrated, I half expected her to make love to Evil-Lyn. You can almost feel the sexual tension, but I’m not sure who’s seducing whom. However, since a desert, what with all that sand, is no place for a Sapphic encounter, and because it’s a kid’s show, it doesn’t happen.
At the site where the fountain once was, Mallek announces that they must hurry, because the city is drying up without the fountain, whereas, the reality of it is that the fountain would dry up without the city. I mean, really, it’s not self generating, right? It has to be fed by a spring, or plumbing, or something. Man-At-Arms shows up in Attak Trak with Orko and Cringer. He-Man turns Cringer into Battle Cat and they all rally to go save the fountain, because they’re going to have to travel all night to get to it.
Out in the desert, Evil-Lyn has started a fire, and then she and Teela have a chat. Teela admits some respect for Evil-Lyn and just as I think they might actually say, “fuck the sand” and go down on each other, Teela opens her yap and asks why Evil-Lyn follows Skeletor, to which she replies that she’s just after power. Then she pulls her cape over herself and rolls over coldly to go to sleep. I guess Skeletor and sexy just don’t go together.
The next morning, Teela and Evil-Lyn are on their way again. Wicked condors and hungry desert dogs threaten them from the fringes as Teela swings those sultry hips in an extended and otherwise pointless clip of her walking. Pointless, if not for trying to entice Evil-Lyn. Seriously, it’s more than 7 seconds of it. The condors and desert dogs clear out, but only because a giant sand worm shows up to hassle them.
Teela has quite a tussle with it, until Evil-Lyn starts throwing rocks at it. Teela joins Evil-Lyn up on top of a cliff and they start shoving boulders down on top of the thing. It recoils in agony as it’s peppered with boulders and large rocks, eventually retreating into its hole, which promptly gets filled up by the avalanche Evil-Lyn and Teela have produced. The two gals then kind of compliment each other and then there is some of that ever so brief sexual tension, which is broken when Evil-Lyn walks away. She really can’t trust, can she? Skeletor really did a number on her.
Teela spots one of Kothos’ henchmen and figures Kothos must be nearby. She hatches a plan, which is to hide her tiara and Evil-Lyn’s mantle piece in the rubble below. Even though there had been an orc thug standing very close to the pile already, while they were still up in the hills, Teela manages to plant the false evidence of their death. Convinced, the orc mob head back to tell Kothos they have irrefutable proof of the ladies’ demise, which leads Evil-Lyn and Teela right to him.
Inside Kothos’ stronghold, he’s chilling out on his clamshell bed again. He presumes the death of Teela and Evil-Lyn, based solely on the head pieces and the terribly inaccurate report from his orc goon that they were crushed under rocks while fighting a “sand devil”. Pleased, Kothos strokes the crystal containing Evil-Lyn’s magic, until Evil-Lyn appears out of nowhere and snatches it out of his hand. She strikes a sexy, confident pose, owning her close-cropped silver hair, and lifts the crystal above her head. Wow, she’s really come out of her shell after her prolonged, close proximity to Teela. But who wouldn’t Teela is a sexpot for sure.
Evil-Lyn throws the crystal on the ground, shattering it, which restores her magical powers and causes her mantle piece to appear back on her head. Teela slips her tiara back on and smirks. Kothos ain’t none-too-pleased that they are alive, much less in his bedchambers, and so he sics his orc henchmen on them. Teela and Evil-Lyn stand back to back and fend them off. They are actually doing quite well for themselves when He-Man, Man-At-Arms, Orko, and Mallek come crashing through the wall. Typical! Is there no respect for the love of one woman for another? Just as they are really heating up and bonding, a man steps in to “finish the job”. Fucking chauvinists.
Kothos teleports away to go hurry up and drink from the fountain. Evil-Lyn follows him, claiming she “has a score to settle”. He-Man is a little incredulous, thinking Evil-Lyn is “fighting on our side”, to which, Teela says, “sorta”. It all seems like pretty heavy gay innuendo to me, but what do I know? Trusting Evil-Lyn to go fight with Kothos over the Fountain of Life, Teela, He-Man, Man-At-Arms, Mallek, Orko, and Battle Cat battle take out the orc mob, because they, apparently, even with He-Man present, can’t spare one of them to oversee Evil-Lyn to make sure she either doesn’t lose the fight or win and take the fountain for herself.
At the Fountain of Life, Evil-Lyn stands on one side of it, and Kothos on the other. They both claim they will be the one to take it for themselves, and start blasting at each other. Kothos knocks Evil-Lyn down, but she gets the best of him and turns him into a big pile of shit. Really. He even more closely resembles Jabba the Hut now! Evil-Lyn laughs her evil laugh, twice, until Kothos tries to smear himself on her, which causes her to recoil in horror.
Apparently later, Evil-Lyn sits with her head her hands, just coming to. The smell of Kothos was so fucking bad that it knocked her the fuck out. Mallek is standing there, probably having just finished molesting a passed out Evil-Lyn, and explains that she got pretty fucked up from her fight. While she was out, in addition to feeling her up, he transported the fountain back to where ever it was before, and used juuuuuuuuust enough of the water to heal Evil-Lyn. She seems pretty shocked that a man could be so kind, but then He-Man shows up and she turns all sour, like she caught a whiff of Kothos again.
Evil-Lyn assures everyone that she’s still evil and that all the men can all fuck right the Hell off. But she also pretty much says that she won’t ever fuck with the Fountain of Life again, for Teela, and that Skeletor is a dipshit, so he can try again if he wants, but without her help. With that, she announces their truce as over, wraps her cape around herself, and takes off in a fireball. Teela seems a little bummed that she didn’t get to taste Evil-Lyn, then He-Man winks right at the camera.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how the male lesbian fantasy is bullshit. You see, guys think it’s all sweet and sexy at first, but that the party really starts when his cock gets there. That’s when satisfaction happens. But you know what? Real lesbians don’t need or want a cock, much less the man it’s attached to. So show some respect, because there’s no room for you in a real lesbian’s bed. I’m not too far from the mark because Teela comes on screen and fondly remembers her time with Evil-Lyn and we even see an outtake where they are smoldering with lust for each other from across the campfire, as they rub themselves slowly. Then Teela says sometimes you don’t think you’re going to like something, but if you just try it, you might be surprised.
He-Man murder count: 18 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 23
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Kothos
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Clawful, Mallek, Orc Guard, Guard