Episode 60. Wow. Before the end of June, we will be on to Season 2, for another 65 delightful episodes. So, anyway, The Return of Granamyr. I’m trying to remember who he was. A dragon, I think. My brain is mush after 60 episodes. Out in the courtyard, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are sparring with swords and shields, which leads me to wonder if, like, Man-At-Arms can really teach Prince Adam anything? I mean, really, he’s He-Man, right? Does Prince Adam just pretend to lose and learn a new move, or did he really lose to this old man? If he is faking it, does Man-At-Arms know? He has to, right? I guess, sometimes, faking it is the merciful thing to do.
It’s pretty convenient that they are sparring outside, because Moar, the Sorceress falcon, flies overhead and alerts them to trouble. For whatever reason, she doesn’t telepathically tell them what’s wrong, but rather leads Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms to Castle Grayskull to tell them instead. I guess it must not be an emergency. When they get there, the Sorceress tells Prince Adam that there’s a video call for He-Man. In his nasally voice, Prince Adam asks who it is that is calling. Then Granamyr, who is in fact a dragon (whew, my brain isn’t total Swiss cheese yet), appears in the magic mirror, getting Prince Adam all excited. Granamyr ignores him and, to the Sorceress is like, “He-Man. Go get He-Man. I wanted to talk to He-Man, go get him. He-Man. He-Man”.
There’s some quick exposition to sort of remind us of who Granamyr is, which somehow manages not to inform at all of what happened in the other episode he was in. Man-At-Arms invites himself along to Dark Smoke, where the ancient dragon lives, to find out what Granamyr wants. Prince Adam recycles some animation and turns into He-Man and off they go to visit Granamyr, the oldest dragon ever, at Dark Smoke. In Granamyr’s inner chamber, Man-At-Arms is totally star stuck and acting the fool, gawking at everything. Granamyr is immediately like, “Hey, He-Man what’s up. Glad you could make it. Get this old fuck out of here, he wasn’t invited”. He-Man tries to defend Man-At-Arms saying that he came to thank Granamyr for saving his life last time, but Granamyr doesn’t give a fuck, and makes Man-At-Arms feel like a real asshole for showing up.
Man-At-Arms pushes his luck and keeps talking, and a lot of bullshit phrases like, “please forgive me”, “I’m sorry”, and, “thank you” fly around. Granamyr, kind of a little bit, likes that Duncan is at least polite, and lightens up a bit. Granamyr reveals the big reason he hauled He-Man out here, and you’re not going to believe this; a little dragon raises up from a platform like he’s in a Vegas show or something. His name Torm, and he is the youngest dragon at Dark Smoke. As it happens, he is in love, as Granamyr puts it to He-Man, “with a female of your species”. Yep. This dragon wants to put his dragon peen in some human poon, and he wants He-Man to set up his date night.
Man-At-Arms is strangely intrigued by the situation, but then Granamyr reveals that there is some kind of ceremony that will change Torm from a dragon into a human, which is a shame, says Granamyr, because he will never fly again and won’t live for thousands of years, but rather only the pitiful few that humans live. The rest is as convoluted as you probably expected it to be, so I’ll try to be brief and clear. This chick’s dad is a wizard, and he demands a test of whoever courts her. But the test has to be done by a human, and before Torm can turn into a human, the chick has to be pledged to him. So it’s a kind of a catch-22, except that the wizard will allow a substitute to perform the test. What? Because Granamyr is racist against humans, He-Man is his only human friend, so this is where He-Man comes in.
Coyly, He-Man asks, “What if I fail”? Granamyr insists that He-Man won’t fail, because if he does, Torm will be such a whiney bitch about it for the next few thousand years, that Granamyr will be forced to find He-Man, his lover, his family, his lover’s family, and so on, and brutally murder all of them in front of him, before laying a big, steaming dragon pile on their severed body parts as he intermingles his flaming dragon piss with the rivers of their blood, in which the streets will be awash. He-Man considers that to be a fair arrangement, and agrees to snag this bitch for Torm, even if he has to club her over the head and drag her back by the hair. He-Man: Neanderthal Pimp of the Universe.
At the Wizard’s castle (seriously, does everybody on this planet have a castle?), this skeevy, pot-bellied, mustached guy complains to the Wizard that it’s pretty fucked up that a dragon is lusting after his daughter, and suggests that his child-raping self would be a much better husband and should be the one betrothed to her instead. The girl, who is standing right there, defends Torm and says he’s a gentleman. I’m having a really hard time with this. So she’s apparently in love with a dragon already, but is going to marry him in a human form, sight unseen. What if he has a nose like that snout, or terrible rosacea, or both? What if, despite being someone that is attracted to all shapes, sizes and colors (OK, not ALL shapes and sizes, but my tastes are pretty vast), of people, I am also one of the most shallow? Regardless of my depth, or lack thereof, I think most people would come across pretty shallow when faced with this particular situation.
The Wizard tells the mustached pervert to scram, because He-Man, the dragon’s champion, has arrived. The Wizard greets He-Man warmly, the his reputation preceding him. The girl, confident that He-Man will win this challenge for her, embraces He-Man and it’s really awkward. I mean, really awkward. Then she kisses him on the cheek, which doesn’t help anything at all. I’m starting to suspect that this is all a ruse so this nubile young blond can get her moist paws all over He-Man and lay snail trails on his thigh. She kind of strikes me as the kind that marries ugly – for security (dragons do have a lot of fucking money, seeing as how they hoard gold) – then has a beefcake or a pool boy on the side. Too bad for her, He-Man is the type to marry a chick as a beard, then have a beefcake or a pool boy on the side. I don’t think these two lifestyles are congruous.
Pissed off, the scorned, skeevy mustache man summons a night demon to make sure that He-Man fails the betrothal challenge. The night demon is instructed to do this by slipping (I use this term lightly, as the night demon is a big, big boy) into He-Man’s room as he sleeps, abducting him, and taking him to the dark land. So, as He-Man sleeps, in the same room with Man-At-Arms (helmet off, snicker), the camera pans slowly, in an almost paranoid way, around the room. The night demon creeps into the window and looms ominously above the sleeping hero. Man-At-Arms wakes and spots him, shouting a warning. The night demon sets off an explosion, which destroys Man-At-Arms’ bed. Despite the explosion, we know Duncan is okay because he reaches out form the rubble to grab his helmet.
The night demon turns He-Man’s covers back, but the bed is empty. Instead, He-Man leaps on the night demon’s shoulders from behind. The night demon tosses He-Man to the ground, where he lays vulnerably. All it will take is one magical blast from the night demon’s palm to teleport him to the dark land, but Man-At-Arms thwarts him with a blanket. That’s not the first time that someone on this show has been stopped by a blanket. And just as I did when this happened the last time, I’ll would like to point out that even my dogs can get out from under blankets. To the night demon’s credit, it doesn’t stop him for long, but it was long enough for He-Man to recover.
In a fit, the night demon throws itself down a long flight of winding stairs. When He-Man and Man-At-Arms reach the bottom to look for him, he appears behind them and gives them both a glowing Vulcan neck pinch, which overpowers them. Not to be outdone in his own castle, or have his guests fucked with, the Wizard (isn’t that an awesome Black Sabbath song?) shows up and shrinks the night demon into nothingness, ambiguously either killing him or returning him to whence he came.
The next morning, the Wizard, clearly rooting for He-Man, tells him that the challenge is to run a hedge maze, find the Tree of Many Fruits and return with the single silver apple that it grows. Well, this could be a challenge, because brains are not really He-Man’s game, and I’m sure a maze would tax him to his fullest. But then, he could probably just cut down the whole fucking hedge maze and find the thing pretty easily, even if it is kind of cheating. Just as Man-At-Arms voices concerns over the skeevy mustached guy trying to interfere with He-Man’s task, the skeevy mustached guy shows up sneakily behind them all to ensure us that, despite the Wizard’s best protections, he will interfere. After He-Man goes inside the maze, the Wizard seals him in, which will allegedly protect him from the skeevy mustached guy.
Back at Dark Smoke, Granamyr and Torm are watching the whole thing on a crystal ball like it’s the Super Bowl, or something. In the maze, He-Man overcomes an illusion of fire, which requires some minor cognitive ability, but is far from impressive. Then He-Man comes upon a dark, hooded woman who standing beside a sparkling harp. He-Man innocently asks her for help finding the Tree of Many Fruits, which pretty obviously seems like it will lead to misdirection. Following suit, the woman confirms with He-Man that he seeks the silver apple, then pulls back her hood revealing a sexy redhead (what else?), offers him the silver apple, and tells him to seek no further. Ever distrustful of women, He-Man is suspicious because he expected the apple of Eden to be wood, not pussy. Wood. The Tree of Many Fruits. Get it? Ha……
Anyway, bad Biblical jokes aside, the whole situation ends with He-Man throwing his sword at her harp, which destroys it, causing her to shrink and turn in to an ugly little troll woman. If this is really supposed to be a biblical allegory, I’m very confused as to the message. Adam (the Biblical figure, not the cartoon prince) would have been better left beating off alone than tasting of Eve’s fruit? Women can’t be trusted? All women are deceitful and ugly inside? Damn, He-Man, and the Bible, for that matter, are misogynistic! She congratulates He-Man on his resistance of her “fruits” (which was really not a challenge for He-Man), then parts the bushes, literally, so he can enter and claim the real silver apple from the Tree of Many Fruits. Oh my God, this is the most convoluted allegory ever. My sanity doesn’t have long, folks.
We pan in on the silver apple, which is strangely on the ground next to the tree, rather than in it, as I assumed it would be. Actually, it makes a little sense, as the allegory is a little more phallic this way. As He-Man approaches it, an armored centaur rides up and wants to fight He-Man for the silver apple. He-Man doesn’t want to fight, and as it turns out, that’s no big deal. The centaur tells He-Man they just have to test his strength, and it doesn’t have to be a fight, as long as He-Man can think of another way. So they play tug of war over a reflecting pool instead. Personally, I think that He-Man should have just ripped the fucking Tree of Many Fruits out of the ground. That would have been impressive enough, right? He-Man toys with the centaur for a second, and then gives a good yank, dousing him in the reflecting pool. Unexpectedly, the centaur jumps up and jovially thanks He-Man for the “refreshing bath” and gives He-Man the apple.
As soon as He-Man leaves the immediate area of the Tree of Many Fruits, the hedges seal behind him. Then the skeevy mustache guy drops down out of nowhere, snatches the silver apple and takes off running with it. He immediately runs into a dead end where He-Man promptly corners him. They clang their respective weapons together a few times, and then He-Man threatens to tattle on him to the Wizard, so he instantly gives up the silver apple and promises to cut the shit. As He-Man leaves with his prize, the skeevy mustache guy mutters recants his promise and commits to making He-Man sorry.
He-Man returns to the Wizard with the silver apple and asks if everyone is ready to go to a wedding. There is a mild amount of rejoicing then they all head off to Dark Smoke. At Dark Smoke, Granamyr dismisses any sentimentality and tells them all to piss off so he can convert Torm to a human before his “program” comes on the T.V. Elsewhere, the skeevy mustache guy is praying to a monolith that looks like an evil Washington Monument. The monument then turns into an evil dragon, Shadow Wing, enemy of the dragons of Dark Smoke. It turns out Shadow Wing was imprisoned in the monolith and has now been set free. Nonetheless, Shadow Wing is about to smite mustache man for shits and giggles when the skeevester promises to help him destroy Dark Smoke. “Destroy Dark Smoke? That’s a great idea, it’s great!”, says Shadow Wing, before turning mustache man in to a frog, just to be a dick.
At Dark Smoke, Torm is standing around outside with everyone for no apparent reason when Shadow Wing shows up to burn this mother down! He doesn’t waste any fucking time and takes out a bridge with lightening breath or something, all while calling Granamyr out for a fight. Torm is the first responder, but Shadow Wing effortlessly uses magic to trap him in stone. Just as easily, he turns the wizard to crystal. He-Man immediately takes to a wind raider, then goes after Shadow Wing. Shadow Wing takes out one of the wind raider’s engines, so He-Man strategically maneuvers it to… crash into the main dome of Dark Smoke, thus smashing it in. Of course, He-Man jumped clear before it crashed.
Turns out, it was all part of the plan. By doing Shadow Wing’s job for him and causing major damage to Dark Smoke, He-Man pissed of Granamyr, who comes flying out in a ball of flame to fuck someone up. Rightfully, it should really be He-Man (some friend of the dragons he is), but instead Granamyr takes it out on Shadow Wing, who, admittedly, deserves it as well. So they get in a fight for like two seconds, some innocent rocks get destroyed, and then Granamyr uses some magic to make Shadow Wing disappear to the dark dimension. He-Man and Man-At-Arms both gawk at his awesome, ancient power. Perhaps encouraged by the adulation, Shadow Wing does a couple of victory laps as he roars powerfully.
Later, inside what would be the dome that He-Man blew up, yet doesn’t seem damaged at all, Torm has already been turned into a man. It must not be that hard, I guess. Granamyr seems to have lightened up a bit and is conducting the wedding ceremony that will bind the girl with the Dragon Fetish to her newly minted man. He-Man tries to rush the whole thing along, probably just as much because it creeps him out to see a man and a woman being all romantic-like, as it is that he is afraid Granamyr is going to hand him the bill for the all destruction he caused. Granamyr tells He-Man to hold up a bit because he has something he wants to say. Instead of billing He-Man for the damages to Dark Smote, Granamyr reaffirms his friendship with He-Man and assures him that he will take advantage of it again real soon.
Time for this week’s moral! Think that it should be about how writers as poor as those on this show should not tackle Biblical Garden of Eden allegories, much less let a sick fuck like me compare them in juxtaposition to a closeted homosexual children’s cartoon hero. Okay, so I usurped that authority, but still, what were they thinking? Instead, King Randor comes onscreen to tell us that fighting is bad, and He-Man was good for not fighting. Then He-Man joins him to tell us we should do stupid shit like play tug of war, or have a dance-off like in West Side Story, instead of fighting, and if someone calls you a coward or a chicken, or gay, don’t you fuckin’ worry about it, because you can dance. King Randor gazes at He-Man approvingly, never once realizing it’s his own son.
He-Man murder count: 18 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 24
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Granamyr
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Torm, Brindle
Linda Gary: The Sorceress, Lyra, Gorgeous Woman (the cloaked redheaded seductress was credted as “Gorgeous Woman” – ha!)
Lou Sheimer: Zem, Braylok, Herald, Centaur, Shadow Wing, King Randor