OMG, I’m so obsessed with the new Vampire Weekend record. I’ve listened to it at least 6 times, and it only came out on Tuesday! Anyway…
The Game Master? Seriously, that guy is back already? I mean, I’m still waiting for the infinite intro to get over, but I’m pretty sure the Game Master refers to Negator from episode 54. But that doesn’t seem possible because he got absorbed in to the machine, which then burned to Hell. I wonder if they’ll bother to explain how he survived? Well, it doesn’t matter, because I’m wrong. Instead, a different game master floats in his giant ship, pondering where he can find a gladiator to compete in his cosmic games. He conveniently comes across Eternia, home of the mightiest champions. He flips through clips of some of them, like Ram Man and Beast Man, performing feats of strength. Of course, only He-Man will do.
So the new Game Master activates a beacon to send a distress call for He-Man to answer, and like, immediately, He-Man is riding along on Battle Cat to answer it. He might have even been on the way before the distress call, because it looks the exact same as when the new Game Master was watching him on the monitor before selecting him as his unwilling champion. Anyway, He-Man looks around for the Game Master’s ship as the Game master has his minions, which include Panthor (why, Panthro, why?), watch him pass.
Just as He-man and Battle Cat get suspicious that they are not finding a ship, they get jumped by a bear, a four-armed Panthro, and a bug robot. He-Man and Battle Cat best all of them, then the Game Master shows up and explains that his name is the Game Master and he lured He-Man here because he travels the galaxy to find the best warriors to compete in his games. The good news is that the Game Master has decided that He-Man would make a fine edition to his games, the bad news is that He-Man is not interested and goes for his sword. After some mild resistance, the Game Master retreats and sends his little winged spy to find out what He-Man’s weakness is.
At the palace, Teela spars with one of those floating orbs from The Phantasm. It’s actually besting Teela, and just before it drills into her head to drain her brains, He-Man runs in and uses her shield like a boomerang, which flips off the terribly conspicuous and poorly designed on/off lever on its top. Then He-Man obnoxiously points out that anything can be a weapon, even a shield. Not satisfied to just embarrass her, He-Man then boasts about how some villain just tried to abduct him, but he kicked all their asses. Teela reacts by gushing about how much He-Man means to her, and He-Man’s like, “Yeah, you’re okay, I guess. For a girl”. Of course, the little spy hears all of this and so we have our plot point: Teela will be kidnapped and used as leverage.
Later, believing the trouble over, Prince Adam is showing off Man-At-Arm’s latest invention, the android horse, to some floozies so he can maintain his cover as a straight man. Okay, so it was bad enough that Man-At-Arms would invent things that other people already invented, but now he’s inventing things that even he has already invented. Nonetheless, the girls are impressed and totally buy the ruse. That is, until Prince Adam, perhaps intentionally, fucks up a simple move and scares the girls off, on account of his ineptitude and the fact that he is waving He-Man’s sword in their face. Why they don’t recognize it as He-Man’s sword, I have no idea.
After Prince Adam gets tossed into a fountain, Teela strolls up and gets on the horse to show him how it’s done. As it turns out, she and Man-At-Arms changed the voice recognition so the horse will toss anyone but Teela or Man-At-Arms. Then Teela has a suggestive talk with Prince Adam about how he he doesn’t have to flirt with chicks like that, because she likes him the way he is. Prince Adam asks if she likes He-Man better, and she tries to be coy, then just flat out says that Prince Adam could never be as good as He-Man. Prince Adam tries to convince Teela that he’s good with a sword as he leans on He-Man’s power sword, and the whole thing is lost on her. Seriously, how can he look exactly the same as He-Man and flash that sword around all the time, and nobody gets it??
Teela just giggles at the silliness, until the Game Master’s goons drop in. Teela gets serious and snatches the power sword. Despite having the sword, she quickly gets taken down, as does Prince Adam, before he can recover the sword from Teela’s fumble. See? This is what he gets for flashing that sword around everywhere. Having unwittingly captured Prince Adam, Game Master takes the sword away, not realizing that without it, there is no He-Man. The Game Master decides to keep the sword, and Teela, the he bolts. Now they’re fucked, and it’s all because of Prince Adams tragic double life.
Prince Adam, Orko and Cringer go after the Game Master, which, when Prince Adam says it in that nasally voice of his, sounds like “Gay Master”. Prince Adam frets a little bit about not having the power of He-Man to help him win, but assures himself that he’ll win anyway. Inside the Game Master’s ship, the bear tries to slip his little bear chub in Teela’s honey pot, but she’s not in the mood today, and tosses him right in to a jail cell. She succeeds in trapping the bear, but not in escaping, as the Game Master freezes her with a blast from his staff. As he jails her, impressed by her wiliness, the Game Master considers putting Teela into his game as well.
Teela threatens the Game Master saying, “unlock this door, and I’ll show you some skills you’ll never forget”, which the Game Master takes as a come-on and assures her he’ll be seeing all her skills later. Outside, Prince Adam, Orko, and Cringer launch their plan: Orko rings the bell at the door of the ship with Cringer on a chain to present him as a gift to the Game Master. I so hope that this is a Trojan Horse type of plan, and that Prince Adam has climbed inside Cringer and will cut his way out later and surprise every one. While the snake guard decides what to do, Prince Adam slips through the door undetected.
Okro is granted an audience to present Cringer to the Game Master, and naturally, he wants to see what Orko bills as, “the fiercest, most savage creatures from this or any other planet”, can do. Well, Cringer gets freaked out just by the words Orko used to introduce him, then Orko has to remind Cringer that he is pretending to be fierce, which Cringer tries and fails miserably. The Game Master is not impressed. Orko unchains Cringer to fight the bear. It doesn’t go very well, but The Game Master agrees to take Cringer anyway, because he might make a good clown, or steak, or something.
All the while, Prince Adam is dipping and dodging through the halls, hiding behind pillars and shit, to avoid detection. Too bad that little flying spy is on to him. Prince Adam reaches the dungeon, but it’s too late, the Game Master is onto him. Suddenly the four armed Panthro gives Prince Adam a nice long hug, complete with some bump and grind. After Prince Adam is captured, we cut to the Game Master addressing him from a viewing platform as Prince Adam stands down in the arena. The Game Master wears the power sword at his side. He has Teela dragged out to witness the hapless Prince Adam be rent limb from limb in the arena.
Teela tries to convince the Game Master that Prince Adam is a real pussy, and it’s not very sporting to put him in the ring, but the Gamer Master ain’t havin’ it. He commences the game by drawing the sword and holding it out as he makes the announcement. Prince Adam notices the sword, but before he can devise a plan to get it, he his confronted by Cragox, the Terrible. Cragox grabs Cringer by the tail, which causes him to try and run, but his legs just sort of spin in place. Once Cringer really gets going, Cragox lets go, causing Cringer to scramble into the wall and knock himself out, as if he’s a wind up car or something. Prince Adam gets a good double-footed jump kick in, but Cragox manages to trap him under some debris.
Miraculously, up on the viewing platform, Orko successfully uses his magic to free his hands, then Teela’s. Teela instantly snatches the power sword from the ledge and jumps down into the arena. She distracts Cragox while Orko frees Prince Adam. Everything is going pretty good until she takes a load from Cragox, right in the face. The Game Master isn’t even mad about Teela jacking the sword, because he thinks this is the best show he’s seen in ages. Orko shows up and conjures a blanket to cover the Game Master and his bear. This is the second episode in a row to have someone get covered by a blanket. I almost wonder if they had a quota of blanket take-downs they had to meet, in order to balance out all the sword violence.
Really on a role today, Orko uses his magic to blind Cragox with a flash. With Teela unconscious from the load Cragox shot on her face, Cragox blinded, and the Game Master covered with a blanket, that leaves Prince Adam free to recycle some animation. Though, I fear that if he uses the long cut, either the bear or the Game Master may have freed themselves from the blanket in time to witness his transformation. It really shouldn’t matter if they witness it or not though, because it should be so obvious that the only blonde guy in the pit just turned into the blond guy in the pit with less clothes on, and his green and orange tiger is now wearing battle armor.
Yeah, it was the full 20 second transformation clip, complete with Cringer changing to Battle cat, and the Game Master only manages to free himself from the blanket after it’s all over, and, naturally, doesn’t make the connection. He-Man and Battle Cat easily put the finishing moves on Cragox, which I guess only leaves the Game Master himself to confront He-Man, because he does. He-Man wants to fight “man to man”, so he throws his sword, which also knocks the staff from the Game Master’s hands. Ever the cheater, the Game Master pulls a disk from his… I don’t know, the stomach strap on his unitard, I don’t know what to call it. Anyway, the throws it at He-Man, who just catches and crushes it. Actually, upon further consideration, that disk may have been stashed in his navel.
Rather than fight He-Man, the Game Master tries to force his minions on them, but He-Man’s like, “They ain’t got no love for you, cuz you’re a dick”. It makes it pretty hard for the Game Master to dispute that when they all march out on him, ignoring his commands. He-Man apprehends the Game Master, while he’s distracted by the mutiny, by bending his own staff around him. You may not be surprised to learn that the Game Master is a sore loser. Teela comes to and He-Man makes sure to pretend like Prince Adam is somewhere else, but also to comment on what a big help the ol’ chap was.
At Castle Grayskull, all of the Game Master’s minions are hanging out. The Sorceress tells them officially that since the Game Master is jailed, they are all free to go back to their homes. How come Skeletor has never been in the palace jail, even once? It’s like He-Man makes no effort to capture him, ever. Anyway, He-Man takes a beat to ask Teela, as Prince Adam did earlier, what kind of a man Teela would prefer, specifically in reference to himself and Prince Adam. Teela basically says she would take them both, then walks off to go masturbate and think about double penetration, leaving He-Man to wonder if he could tolerate Teela being involved, if it meant he could fuck himself. Then a lot of winking ensues, really.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be, yet again, about how nobody should live a closeted life. It doesn’t lead to any good. Additionally, with He-Man pondering the autoeroticism of getting with his own alter ego, it reminds me of a chick I had a crush on in the sixth grade that had the same first name as me. I always wondered about how weird it would be to call out her/my name mid-coitus. Just think on that for a minute. Orko delivers the actual moral this week, which is basically that nobody likes a braggart, or a sore loser, so shut the fuck up and eat some humble pie.
He-man murder count: 18 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 25
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Game Master, Bear Man
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Lizard Guard