I would be too lucky if “The Remedy” referred to the solution for all the bad writing and poor production on this show, which would be mercifully just in time for another 65 episode long season. A season that starts right after next week’s episode – the Season 1 finale. Don’t expect the episode to be a cliffhanger, or even any better than any other episode, so far. This show was way too cheaply produced for that kind of thought to go into it. We open on the Royal Palace where Man-At-Arms and Prince Adam are in the lab, testing a web-rope that Man-At-Arms invented. Yep, he just invented Spider-Man’s web slinger, only thicker. It’s all really just an excuse for Prince Adam to shimmy across some thick rope. Until it snaps, and he falls, of course.
For what is, apparently, the 13th try, Man-At-Arms blasts a thick, white cord of goo that solidifies into a thick rope, which Prince Adam all too readily shimmies across. Again. This time it holds. As Teela comes walking in, Man-At-Arms gushes too her about his cool new web slinger, when she’s like, “Shut up about your stupid Spider-Man toy – Rohad is really fucking sick. He’s gonna die from, like, some ball cancer, or something. Incurable ball cancer. Yeah”. So, they all decide to go visit to either cure him, or give him his last rights, I’m not sure which yet. Hopefully, if it’s the latter, it involves Teela giving him a lap dance.
At Rohad’s palace, (Jesus, everybody has a fucking palace!) Rohad lies helplessly in bed, either having a nap or in a coma, so his little buddy tells us what happened instead. They were hiking in some mines, shining a flashlight around, while they look for the little guy’s lost cousin. They hear a sound that means there’s another cavern behind the wall (what?), so, Rohad uses a gamma ray device to look through to the other side, revealing an unconscious young boy. He then sets the gamma ray to “make the wall disappear” mode, enters the other cavern then picks up the boy. A little flying beetle alights on his shoulder, prompting Rohad to jovially uninvite the beetle and blow it off his sleeve. Then he collapses and turns green, which brings us up to speed.
Naturally, they go to see the Sorceress about it. She tells them that Rohad has been bitten “by the rare and venomous dawberg”, and he’s going to die, like, wicked fast. The good news is that there is an antidote, but they have to go fetch a rare herb in the caverns of the mountains of pretty-far-from-here. Prince Adam figures they can get there faster if he first wastes some time recycling animation to transform into He-Man. He doesn’t even have the courtesy to do the truncated animation sequence. So, then they fly there in the wind raider, because, apparently it flies faster when He-Man drives it.
At Rohad’s palace, he’s having nightmares about electron multipliers, which must be pretty terrifying, because he’s tossing and turning. This is all just a sign that he’s getting worse of course, and a lame attempt at creating some tension by emphasizing the direly urgent nature of the matter. In the wind raider, He-Man and Man-At-Arms are having a “bro moment”, talking about what a good dude Rohad is. This leads into a flash back sequence about Man-At-Arms and Rohad working on a top secret time machine. Whoops. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now.
Anyway, against Rohad’s wishes, Man-At-Arms sneaks into the lab at night to finish the project himself, and ends up blowing the thing up on accident. Rohad discovers the smoke filled chamber with Man-At-Arms trapped inside and pulls him to safety just before the explosion. Millions, maybe billions in research gone, and Rohad ain’t even chapped about it. What a good dude! “You ate a whole log of cheese? I’m not even angry. I’m impressed”! And that’s the origin of the bromance between Man-At-Arms and Rohad. So, since Rohad saved Man-At-Arms’ life, didn’t invoice him for the damage, and bought him a beer, they simply must return the favor and save his life.
Having snapped out of his reverie, Man-At-Arms and He-Man discuss the danger of being attacked by Tactryls in this region. No sooner have they discussed this likely peril than the very creatures attack them. They are like dragon horses, I guess. He-Man and Man-At-Arms are able to dodge the Tractryl without much incident. No sooner have they done this, than Man-At-Arms talks about the danger of wind “swirls”, whereby they are, again, instantly attacked by the very thing. I think Man-At-Arms should keep his fucking mouth shut. You’re jinxing it, dude! The wind raider spirals out of control and they crash land somewhere that isn’t where they’re going.
Man-At-Arms tries to check the damage to the wind raider and finds the whole thing is fucked. They’re going to have to hoof it. They just can’t catch a break, can they? Man-At-Arms cuts them a small one by staying behind while He-Man handles the rest on his own. Yeah, it’s probably for the better. Because it’s the invention of the week, Man-At-Arms passes the web slinger to He-Man, you know, just in case he needs it. Wink. He-Man stashes the large flashlight-like appliance in his boot of all places, then says he’ll meet Man-At-Arms at Rohads. How, I don’t know.
While the heroic He-Man song plays, He-Man runs through the jungle, jumping over logs, ducking low hanging branches and vine-swinging across swift rivers. That is, until a tentacle reaches up and pulls him under. He wrestles with a giant octopus as the song continues to rush matters along. He-Man makes a witty quip, then uses the invention of the week to escape. Wow, what a neat little package of predicable He-Man action!
Finally free of the woods, He-Man sprints and sprints, running right past a herd of gazelles, which are running at top speed. Only Jimmy John’s is faster. Maybe I should start calling He-Man “Runs with Deer”? Nah. He-Man dives off a cliff into another river, spots a whirlpool, and decides to swim right into it. This guy sure does have a fucked up sense of urgency. Underling my point, we cut back to Rohad’s palace, where Man-At-Arms enters, disappointing all with his lack of a cure. Don’t worry; He-Man’s helping us, he says.
Once He-Man reaches the bottom of the whirlpool, he just jumps up and out of the river to safety. He takes a beat to make a stupid, time wasting comment about whirlpools before he takes off again. He’s like my dad was with his coffee when I was growing up; can’t be rushed. So, He-Man runs some more, we have a lot of the camera panning back and forth over the forest. Then He-Man takes a vine and announces that once he’s through the vine jungle, the mountains will be in sight, which still sounds pretty fucking far away to me. Seriously, it seems like Man-At-Arms could have come back for him with another wind raider by now…
Some amazing gymnastics take place as He-Man navigates the vine jungle, and then he just sort of drops in from the top of the frame into the crystal mountains. The environment is so starkly different that I can’t even begin to understand how he transitioned from the vine jungle to this so quickly, and by dropping in from above, no less. Once there, He-Man sees a tactryl trapped in a giant web and verbally resolves that Rohad would rather he take the time out to help this creature than bust his ass back with a cure. It’s nature! If there’s a fucking web big enough to catch a tactryl, it is supposed to get fucking eaten! And yet, last episode, he was all lax at first about saving the last unicorn. Good fucking God, man, where are your priorities?!
And, so, he rescues the tactryl and battles a giant spider. Really. Stemming from The Ewok Adventure, which I loved as a small child, whenever I have had a difficult time of something, I often claim that I had to battle a giant spider to accomplish my goal. For example, I might say, “To complete Season 1 of He-Man Reviewed, I had to watch 65 episodes of a bull shit show, make hundreds of screen caps and gifs, battle a giant spider…” Anyway, I was just a little amused that after all the hurdles He-Man was forced to endure in this eppy, he battled a giant spider, needlessly. It’s actually a pretty long battle, too.
Then, more sprinting and acrobatics ensue, which result in He-Man falling off a cliff. Conveniently, before He-Man can fall to his death, the tractryl swoops underneath and saves him. Even more conveniently, it not only drops him off outside the cave from which he needs to retrieve the herb, but it waits outside like a taxi with the meter running. Inside the cave, it’s dark and ominous. He-Man battles a glowing loop, until the apparition of a giant face with long, creepy ginger hair appears to him and orders him to leave. He-Man gets into an argument with the spirit of the ancient until it makes him get down on his knees and beg, which he does without humility. Finally, one of the only blonde women on the entire planet materializes before him and gives him the “herb” he needs, which looks more like a walking stick. I can’t wait to see how this thing is administered to cure Rohad.
He-Man leaves with the stick, mounts the tactyl and files off to save the day. Back at Rohad’s palace, they beg him to hold on a little longer – his breathing has slowed and he’s on the edge of death. We cut back to He-Man flying along on the tactryl, which suggests he will encounter further peril. He resolves to avoid the same swamp fogs they flew through before, and asks if tactryl, which somehow understands English perfectly well, if they can make it through the narrows of whereever. They do, but not before being chased by another flying creature that must be vicious enough that it would attack a tactryl, which is pretty much the same size. Once again, He-Man uses the web shooter and gets the attacking creature all wrapped up, causing it to fall from the sky, surely to it’s death. Even though we don’t see it die, I’m counting that as a murder, because internal bleeding will certainly kill it later.
Back at Rohad’s palace, Teela gazes out the window forlornly. That is, until she hears the shriek of the tactryl and sees that He-Man has arrived. We never get to find out how they administer that stick to cure Rohad – my guess is as suppository – because we cut to a short time later when Rohad is awake and his color has returned to the normal Caucasian, rather than the coma green he was previously. After a long aside about how Man-At-Arms’ web shooter has probably been chewed to pieces, He-Man finally shuts up long enough to let Rohad thank them and express sympathy for the loss of Man-At-Arms’ fucking unoriginal invention.
Time for this week’s moral! Obviously, it’s all about the bro code, man. You gotta get your boy’s back, you know? Bros before hoes, kids, bros before hoes. Teela comes onscreen to tell us all about bromance. She seems like an odd choice to deliver this message, but all she really has to do is recap what happened in this episode. Even so, she kind of misses the point, as she leaves us with the message that your mom and dad are your best friends. Your best friends that make you eat brussel sprouts.
He-Man murder count: 19 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 27
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Rohad
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Mitro
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Lady of Zelite
Lou Scheimer: Spirit of Mount Zelite