Here we are, the season finale. That awkward halfway point when you’ve come so far and still have so much farther to go. This is a pretty big accomplishment – first a year, then a full 65 weeks (well, 67, actually) to finish out a season. I don’t mean to complain too much, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bittersweet, kind of like semi-sweet chocolate. Anyway, so I really hope that “The Heart of a Giant” refers to, like, an ingredient in something. Like part of a witch’s brew which requires the vivisection of a giant’s heart. Instead it will probably be a sappy story about the capacity of giant to do good deeds.
A sudden storm is about to break over Man-At-Arms, Prince Adam, Cringer and Orko as they traverse the woods looking for some special herb. On account of the storm, Cringer wants to split, saying, “You guys keep looking for the weed, I’ll go back to the palace”. Maybe, instead of ending with a bang, this season will end in a puff of smoke. But Prince Adam, Man-At-Arms, Orko and Cringer aren’t alone. Someone watches them from the bushes as they continue their search for some of that bomb chronic, in spite of the storm.
They finally find some of those fluffy buds – just scope those orange hairs – and Orko takes a few clippings and drops them in a bag. No sooner has he ganked his stash than a giant shows up, scaring the shit of Orko, who dutifully flies into a tree and knocks himself the fuck out. The scary looking giant, frequently illuminated by flashes of lightening, bends down to pick the unconscious Orko up. The tone is ominous, but somehow, I have every confidence in the world that this giant just wants to share some buds, and toke Orko up and listen to some LPs.
Later, the storm has passed, but Orko still hasn’t come back yet, causing Prince Adam, Man-At-Arms and Cringer alarm. Cringer heralds the arrival of “something”, which cues the entrance of the giant, stomping his feet, and carrying Orko, along with his bag of weed. Cringer licks Orko back to consciousness, which upon regaining, Orko flips the fuck out about the “monster”. Orko claims the giant attacked him, but nobody buys it, because this “so-called-monster”, as Man-At-Arms puts it, delivered Orko to them, along with a bag of weed.
I guess the giant took off after dropping Orko off with his friends and I missed it. Man-At-Arms gets a little suspicious because of it, thinking that he might be a spy for Skeletor, or perhaps just some one in trouble. Either way, they agree that they want to find out more about him. If nothing else, it’s a passable excuse for Prince Adam to turn into He-Man, and so, as he does every episode, he recycles some animation and turns into He-Man. Once transformed, he and Battle Cat race off to question this giant like only He-Man can.
Elsewhere, a blimp-like ship that resembles a fish flies overhead. I’m certain there is a villain inside it, but the question is, who? Is Skeletor going to make an appearance in the last episode of the season? To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it. But, this doesn’t really have Skeletor’s fingerprints on it, assuming he has any. Rather, I’ve become pretty accustomed to the fact that Skeletor really only makes occasional appearances anymore. But, I don’t really remember it that way from when I was a kid. I remember Skeletor. I guess that’s just because the other villains don’t really recur, aside from Skeletor’s henchmen, whom I also remember.
Inside the ship is most definitely not Skeletor. This guy kind of looks like Vincent Price with a Shriner’s cap on. He exposits about how he’s been tracking this giant for days, but because of the storm, he missed his opportunity to capture it. He hasn’t given up hope up though; he’s going to put some extra effort into it so he can have his very own pet stoner giant. You see, he’s going to add him to his sideshow collection along with all the other oddities and misfit creatures he has captured.
He’s got that fat little green goblin from a number of episodes back. I can’t remember his name, and I’m not even sure if it’s truly the same character, but he’s there. He’s also got that four armed wizard that I just can’t seem to recollect details about. To boot, he’s got that double headed dude, too. I remember a little bit more about this guy. He was in one of the episodes where they travel to Orko’s home world, Trolla (hey, I remembered that name!), and this guy kinda helped them out. Actually, I think the four armed guy was the enemy in that episode… Anyway, this episode is shaping up to be more interesting than I thought. Illicit herbs, stoner giants, the b-team rogues gallery… Interesting indeed.
Suddenly, the collector’s radars pick up the trail of the giant and the chase is on. The giant dips and dodges, runs over trees, and makes his best effort to evade. He-Man, Prince Adam, Orko and Battle Cat continue their search for the giant. Just as Battle Cat picks up the scent, the Giant goes running by, trailed by a giant blimp-fish in the sky. Sensing trouble afoot, they chase after the motley crew. He-Man arrives just in time for a tractor beam to haul the giant up. He-Man jumps and grabs the sides of the tractor beam, as if it’s a solid cylinder, and gets hauled up toward the blimp-fish.
Inside the ship, the collector notes his extra prize with He-Man, then sees Orko and goes buckwild and captures him too, just as Orko is warning He-Man not to get caught. He-Man mucks things up by leaping off of the solid tractor beam after Orko, whom he misses as Orko gets pulled into the ship. He-Man falls back down to Eternia, then The collector dumps a giant scopion lobster on He-Man. He-Man frets about having to hurt the thing, but Man-At-Arms is kind of like, “Who cares, just kill the fucking thing”.
Up in the ship, the collector taunts the giant while Orko gives him the stink eye. The collector assures them of their permanence in his capture, then stalks off to go try and capture a “winged man” that came up on his sensors. Orko bitches, and bitches, about their plight – he seems to think they’ve been arrested for weed or something – while belittling the giant for being such a quiet oaf. Orko decides to try and fly out of the prison cell, but just as he does, the giant grabs him by the stumps and speaks, “No, those bars are electrified”. Aw, what a sweetheart. I wonder if the collector frisked him and found the joint I know must be stashed on him. If not, they could spark one up and really get deep.
Apparently, this was the first thing that the giant has spoken in many years, but, since he spoke, he’s now going to go on, at length, about how he was ridiculed, and that’s why he didn’t speak. I guess it was a silent protest against bullying, or something. Now that he’s speaking again, he doesn’t miss the opportunity to make Orko feel like shit for calling him a monster and freaking out. When Orko feels like shit, I feel good. I rather like this giant. He’s a BFG. In fact this is probably a rip off of that story. I don’t know, I never actually read it. I only know of it.
Anyway, Orko and the giant make friends, and Orko immediately begins showing off his magic. He turns himself thin and flies through the bars to freedom, where he is able to open the prison cell at his leisure. The two newly minted friends hatch a plan to get the collector, whom they deduce must be trying to capture Stratos. Stratos isn’t really a “winged man” though, is he? I mean, he flies, and he’s got some, like, feathery aspects to his costume, but he doesn’t have wings… Apparently, the giant is a technology expert and starts to work adapting the ship’s intercom to get them in touch with He-Man long range.
Down on Eternia, He-Man is trying to get rid of the giant lobster scorpion by hiding from it. It’s not going very well. For maybe like the third or fourth time, He-Man attempts to solve the problem by diverting a river. And doing summersaults through the air. Diverting rivers and aerial summersaults, all in a day’s work. I’m not so sure how diverting a river will stop a giant lobster scorpion, but I guess it doesn’t really hurt it, it just sweeps it away, which I guess was the point. Jeez, He-Man isn’t even killing crustaceans anymore, creatures that people might boil and eat.
Now that the giant lobster scorpion problem has been solved, Orko reaches Man-At-Arms on the communicator and warns them that the collector is after Stratos. He-Man rides forth on a roaring Battle Cat as he approaches Stratos’ city. I am vindicated in my assertion that Stratos has no wings, as he gazes out over the frescos of his landscape, feathers sticking out of his sleeve cuffs, but no wings. Sticking feathers up your ass does not make you a chicken.
Stratos flies off to go meet He-Man, but he gets captured on the way. It doesn’t matter, because He-Man is able to jump up to Stratos and snap the cable that is hauling him into the blimp-fish. Then, something happens that is truly worthy of the season finale. It is so great, I think it just ran up to my favorite moment in the entire series so far. Stratos straight up invites He-Man to mount up and they fly off together. Unfortunately, at least at this juncture, it is not to enjoy each other in the throes of passion, as they fly off to willingly enter the very blimp-fish that was trying to abduct them unwillingly only moments ago.
Stratos drops He-Man off on one of the blimp’s wings, then goes to stop his bird-brained bird-men from coming to rescue him so that they won’t also be captured. As the, um, flock (?) of bird-men nears the blimp, mechanical arms come out to take hold of them. Just in time, Man-At-Arms swoops in on a wind raider to save them all. He-Man rips a hole in the side of the blimp and enters. He wanders around a bit until he is encumbered by lots of straps that seek to restrain him. The collector watches on a monitor, consoling him self over the loss of the bird men with the capture of “the muscle man”. The collector is confident that He-Man won’t escape because those bands are pure titanium. Then He-Man snaps them like they were brittle, ancient mummy gauze.
He-Man comes upon the cages and frees all of the captured creatures. The collector is so caught off guard that he trips on his way out of the chair. He find his way to the cage room, only to find He-Man and all of the myriad other creatures standing there, waiting to confront him about his hording addiction. Man, I recognize a bunch of d-listers on here. That green fishy guy, that three eyed thing from Orko’s world, the white werewolf-yeti thing, yeah. Oh, look, its the sea demon that they recycled and called something else in a later episode! Oh, I can’t think of which episode or what they called it for the life of me. I even tried searching the blog for it and can’t find it. The collector breaks down and starts bawling on the floor, begging the “muscle man” to save him as the creatures close in on him.
The giant intervenes and convinces all these fearsome creatures that the revenge isn’t worth it and will spoil their freedom. He-Man remarks about how they all understand him and giant explains that it’s because he lived as a hermit among them for so long, that he understands them and vice versa. Except that these creatures are clearly all from different habitats and climates, some from different worlds or dimensions, even. Not only that, but the dude’s a scientist and graduated from the science academy by the age of 16. He-Man doesn’t hear a word of the giant’s impressive life story because he’s just staring at the giant’s giant junk the whole time. Seriously, he stares forever before he even blinks, and then forever and a day before he finally looks up.
The clip is nine seconds long, you guys! And when he does look up, he says, “It’s unfortunate that we live in a world where people judge you on your looks”, and I laughed, and laughed. Man-At-Arms asks the giant, Cambro, if he will be his lab assistant, which causes Cambro to blush make “aw-shucks” sorts of comments, but he never says yes or no. Then He-Man commandeers the screen, stares right into the camera and lays the “don’t judge people on their looks” message on really thick, ahead of the official moral of the episode.
Time for this week’s (official) moral! I think it’s going to be about how you shouldn’t judge people on their looks, obviously. What it should be about is teaching kids that some cultures believe that when you eat the vital organs of majestic and noble creatures, especially hearts (like the heart of a giant) and brains (mmmmmm braiiiiiiins), that you gain their desirable attributes. Indeed, Orko comes onscreen to tell us that he wrongfully judged someone by the way they looked, but once they sat down and found a common interest, like bubonic chronic, they found out that being high together is better than being high apart.
And that’s Season 1! From the bottom of my jaded heart, thanks everyone, for reading. You guys don’t say much, but I know you’re out there, and that’s why I keep doing this. That, and I’m a man of my word, but knowing people are reading this sure makes it a little easier to keep going – with the blog, that is – I’m not going to kill myself or anything… At least not yet, but season 2 is a whole ‘nother 65 episodes.
He-Man murder count: 19 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 28
I can’t believe Skeletor didn’t make an appearance in the last episode of the season. He was absent from 43% of the episodes!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Cambro, KeeperAlan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms
Linda Gary: Various (pretty sure this means she didn’t have a part in this episode)
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Stratos.
According to IMDB, this episode first aired December 23rd, 1983. That means this was practically a Christmas episode.