After the fabulous and ubiquitous intro, we find Skeletor sitting in his chair at Snake Mountain, mugging Tri-Klops and some weird fish guy. Or is it a lizard thing? I’m not sure. I’m probably just mentally insane, but I have a feeling that Skeletor is about a divulge this week’s plan to destroy Castle Grayskull. Man, he treats villainy like he gets a fucking salary with bonuses for this shit.
For no discernable reason a magical portal opens up and a large metal chest floats through it, which contains the “wheel of infinity”. Skeletor intends to use it to destroy Castle Grayskull. But what about He-Man, Tri-Klops wants to know. “Well, let me tell you something, friend, he can’t get us back in time, before Castle Grayskull existed”! So Skeletor is going build a hovel underneath the castle’s future site and wait for them to build Castle Grayskull over him? Brilliant! It’s like the Trojan horse, but with a twist of retardation!
Back in Eternia, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are having a nice little picnic together. Awwww, how sweet. Oh. Shit. Orko is there too, and he uses his magic to turn this cake into a gigantic phallus of chocolatey goodness. Even Prince Adam remarks that it’s too big for him. Damn, that’s pretty fucking big.
After it all comes crashing down on Man-At-Arms (of course), they see the Sorceress fly by in bird form, so they know they need to go to Castle Grayskull. Cringer has a panic attack about going to the castle, but nobody gives a shit. At Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress shows them, using the “window of time”, Skeletor bumping uglies with this Neanderthal-looking warrior guy on top of a castle.
She proceeds to tell them that Skeletor went back in time and is building his own fortress on the spot where Castle Grayskull is in order to protect the wheel of infinity. Which, he will spin and it will get faster and faster over time until it is fast enough to destroy Castle Grayskull. Ok, that makes even less fucking sense than before. How can they build Castle Grayskull if Skeletor’s castle exists on the site, built over a time bomb intended to blow up the castle they haven’t built yet. And somehow, if the simple act of destroying Castle Grayskull is achieved, it will allow Skeletor’s evil to rule Eternia. As if they didn’t know already, the Sorceress tells them that they have to stop him.
Prince Adam is all like, “lets fucking do this, bro”, and so the stock animation starts. But this time, the typical footage is literally paused to interject original animation of Cringer totally shitting his pants about having to turn into Battle Cat. That’s twice in one episode, this is really getting serious. Write your senators, folks, it’s the only way we can make a difference. Anyway, so, then they all go back in time. He-Man is like, “so this is what green forests looked like”. See, I told you they don’t have vegetation. The show creators just can’t make up their mind about foliage in the Eternian present, can they?
Immediately, they run into some primitives that don’t speak English, so it’s hard to tell if they are getting uppity with He-Man’s crew or not as they babble and point. Battle Cat totally tries to tear their limbs off. Didn’t anyone tell He-Man that tigers, however green, are wild animals and not pets? His actions really aren’t surprising, considering all the abuse heaped upon Cringer. He was bound to snap some time.
Orko uses his magic, successfully, which is surprising, so that they can all understand each other. The female accuses them of serving the ghost-face, and since I know Scream hasn’t been released yet, it must be Skeletor they are referring to. Immediately after this indictment, He-Man, ambiguously, says, “we are friends”. Now, I for one, thought he was referring to himself and Skeletor, which seemed a rather reckless phrasing to me. Thankfully, since they are primitives, they aren’t mentally complex enough to understand ambiguous statements, and danger is avoided.
He-Man further wins them over when a “dragosaur” shows up and tries to kill them all, giving him a chance to rescue them. Apparently, the difference between a dragon and a dragosaur is that a dragosaur breathes smoke and not fire. Orko, astonishingly, for the second time in a row uses magic to make a wind which blows the smoke away. I’m hoping He-Man will gut that fucking dragon like a pig, because that would be amazing.
While He-Man is busy carving a Thanksgiving dragosaur, Man-At-Arms uses a rope ladder to extract the primitives from danger. I can only imagine how mind-boggling the technology of a rope ladder must be to these primitives. I saw Encino Man, so I have decent idea. When he’s done getting nice and bloody, he buries the bastard in a shower of boulders, which seems to be his murder weapon of choice.
Now the primitives have boners and female boners, respectively, and tell He-Man that ghost-face has been subjugating them and making them and the ape-men work in sweat shops making Nike shoes. I had no idea Skeletor was that evil! Holy shit. I need a minute. OK, now I’m good. Anyway, He-Man looks totally smacked out when they are telling him this. I’ve seen enough video interviews with Kurt Cobain to know what that looks like.
He-Man assures them that Skeletor doesn’t know they are there in the past, thus gaining the element of surprise. He says this just as Skeletor is watching He-Man through his staff. It’s amazing to me how characters in this show, good or bad, can video-spy across space and time when its convenient to the plot. By the way, the female primative, Zilora, whose name they actually use, has this weird speech-affect in which she sort of hiss-sighs before and after everything she says. I think Man-At-Arms is misinterpreting it as sexy talk because he starts getting some untimely wood.
Skeletor gives the Neanderthal man orders to gather an army of slope headed baddies to combat He-Man and crew. He-Man shows up outside the castle where Skeletor is holed up and decides the best plan of action is to make a bunch of noise so everyone knows they are there. Isn’t this totally fucking contradictory to the element of surprise, which was the strategy de rigueur, like, two seconds ago? Well, his new plan works and Skeletor shows up on top of a turret and implores He-Man to fucking bring it!
So He-Man and Battle Cat charge at the castle. As He-Man comes on, Tri-Klops launches a boulder with a catapult which He-Man just knocks back at him with his sword like a baseball. Man-At-Arms bolos a Neanderthal, whom are apparently the ape-men. He-Man high jumps the wall and continues fighting ape-men. Zilora confronts Skeletor and is like, “Leave him alone, that’s my new boyfriend”! So Skeletor gasses her and tells He-Man he is going to take her to Dragosaur Isle to let his crew gang rape his bitch. Since he’s gay, He-Man doesn’t care all that much, but since he’s closeted, he has to pretend he does, and vows to save her. So, He-Man makes this face like, “oh, no, you didn’t”.
He-Man and Man-At-Arms head out to the island on a Tom Sawyer raft – it is the past – in order to save her. Since Man-At-Arms knows all He-Man’s secrets, he knows he’s going to be the one banging this chick when they rescue her, not He-Man, so he agrees to paddle the thing while heavy ass He-Man, and his not-quite-feather-weight fucking tiger do nothing.
Skeletor counts on He-man rescuing Zilora while he activates the wheel of infinity. Wait, OK, so, Skeletor has retreated to Dragosaur Island and is going to activate the wheel of infinity there in order to destroy the future site of Castle Grayskull, which is elsewhere? I give up. Whats the fastest, least messy method of suicide?
On the way there, He-Man and friends are attacked by Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. As it snares them all in its tentacles, He-Man throws his sword, which apparently can act as a boomerang and comes back to him. When he catches it, it makes this cheesy little gleam. He manages to cut Audrey II’s stalk, which causes it to explode for some reason. Plant or not, I’m counting that as a murder!
After some other hardships, including bad puns from Orko, He-Man and pals intercept Skeletor on his way to activate the wheel of infinity. The fish-lizard guy from earlier, who apparently is called Fang Man (that’s original) uses the dragosaurs to attack them. Skeletor uses some magic on Zilora that will trap her between time and space where nobody, not even a geezer like Man-At-Arms, will be able to tap that ass. So Man-At-Arms hurries up and beats off to her visage before Alzheimer’s swallows her image. He yells, “I’m coming” at the cage she’s in and covers it, her, and He-Man in his goo.
He-Man gets so excited that he strokes the bars so fast that the friction causes an explosion and frees Zilora. As if there hasn’t been enough of it already, she gushes all over He-Man for saving her. Man-At-Arms steps up and is like, “I’ll take it form here”. He must be on Viagra. He-Man reminds him they still have an evil plot to stop, so he agrees to postpone his continued sexual gratification.
All the while, Skeletor has gotten away, and the Sorceress appears to tell them as much. She agrees to teleport them back to the castle Skeletor had built, because, after all the rowing and jerking off that Man-At-Arms has done, he’s too tired to row the Tom Sawyer raft back again. They come under assault by ape-men upon appearing inside the castle, but Man-At-Arms distracts them while He-Man runs inside to stop Skeletor from spinning the magic dradle, er, wheel of infinity.
When He-Man enters the chamber, Skeletor blasts at him with his staff, which He-Man easily dodges. He tries again, and He-Man deflects the blast with his sword, causing the ricochet to hit the wheel of infinity and start it spinning, which is what Skeletor wanted anyway. He-Man tries to hold it still, but even being the (alleged) strongest man in the universe, he is unable to stop it. He says as much out loud, to which Skeletor exposites that no one can stop it, it will keep spinning faster and growing larger throughout time until it destroys Castle Grayskull.
Since he can’t stop it, he decides to try and spin it faster so it blows up real soon. OK, now I’m really fucking confused. I thought that this thing was like the ultimate explosion, like a nuke that would just lay waste to all of Eternia, such that, even in the future, the forces of good won’t be able to take hold. But now He-Man’s strategy is to blow the damn thing up? Did I say I give up already, because now I really fucking give up. When He-Man spins it really fast, it makes a sound similar to Curly when he lays on the ground and spins in circles – whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop. Seriously.
As the castle (not Castle Grayskull, mind you) starts to fall to pieces, Skeletor makes a time portal and escapes, leaving He-Man in the past to be destroyed along with it. All Hell is breaking loose, and He-Man, in a surprising display of defeatism, lays down on the ground, allegedly to think things out.
He-Man, after very little thought, remarks that he doesn’t have time to use his meathead pea-brain to solve the problem, so he decides to just punch it – queue stock animation punch here. This sends the wheel of infinity, which seems to be awfully finite to me, flying out of the castle where it explodes in a Fourth of July worthy fireworks display, which is notably not the mushroom cloud I would have expected. I still fail to understand how this thing was supposed to fuck things up in the future, and I don’t think this is my shortcoming.
Then they get zapped back to the here and now. Back in the present, the Sorceress congratulates them on their success, and Orko laments the loss of Zilora, because he wants to bang her with his amputee elf cock. He and Man-At-Arms get into a tizzy because Man-At-Arms had already called dibs. Their quarrel is so annoying that the Sorceress commits to ensuring that Skeletor’s time portals are closed so none of them can ever bang her sweet, primitive honey pot, ever.
Time for this week’s moral! I think its going to be about how its fun to cut loose and kill and not use our brains to think first, especially when the pressure is on. Kill ‘em all, just kill ‘em all. Instead He-Man tells us that it’s about how we can’t go back to the past to make evil things happen, and its today that counts. Cool, so, I’ll just go make evil deeds happen today then, shall I? And that’s episode 8. You better love it, because there will never be an episode 8 again, until they re-launch the series in 1990, and again in 2002.
He-Man murder count: 3 kills, 1 attempted murder.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Darkspy
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Zilora, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Tri-Klops, Fang Man, Ollo