Damn, everybody in this show has a cool, themed fortress.  This episode opens with a real treat, a slow pan over a landscape of barren, gnarled wood.  Perched above it all is a creepy wolf-head looking fortress.  Which makes sense because I distinctly heard the sounds of wolves howling.  I wonder who lives in it?  I know it’s not Skeletor.

9 1 Wolf Castle

Well, it doesn’t matter, because the point is that Beast Man and Skeletor are just near it stealing eggs. So this is what it comes to?  Stealing eggs?  I guess villainy doesn’t pay very well when you suck at it as much as Skeletor does.  Oh, they’re dragon eggs?  OK, it seems like a little more of a long term plan for dominance, but I’ll hear it out.  The plan also involves the dragon pearl, which Skeletor ripped off of Mer-Man for some crappy silver.  Just as he’s about to tell us what the fuck the dragon pearl has to do with this mess, the mother dragon shows up.  And it’s not to have tea and crumpets.

9 2 Stealing Eggs

Man, I never thought I’d see Skeletor do battle with a dragon!  It tries to burn Skeletor, but he blocks the fire with a blast from his staff.  Beast Man just stands there and points at it and commands the dragon to stop.  Yep, he’s drunk again, thinks he can control wild animals.  Predictably, the dragon tries to singe that stupid beard off his face, and he actually seems kind of shocked about it.  He says, “I don’t know why, but she’s really pissed, I think we better leave”.

9 3 Mother Dragon

9 4 Please Stop

Skeletor ain’t having it and shuts him down.  He lures the dragon onto a catwalk, which Skeletor blasts with his staff, causing it to collapse.  Skeletor starts smacking Beast Man around, and Beast Man says, “if you don’t start treating me better, you’re going to lose me”!  Skeletor shows Beast Man the back of his hand which is enough to send him running, while Skeletor just laughs.  Jesus.  I didn’t know things were so bad.  I almost feel a little bad for him.  Beast Man may have the last laugh though, because he takes off in the jet craft with all the eggs.

9 5 Feel Bad for Him

Back at the palace in Eternia, the royal court is enjoying a nice meal around the table.  King Randor requests the final dish, which Orko pulls out of his bellybutton.  Ew, fucking gross.  He proceeds to pull a bunch of mutton chops out of there.  Seriously, I think I’m going to puke.

9 6 Bellybutton

Because everything Orko does has to get out of hand, he makes three more of himself, using magic, under the logic that he can eat four times as much.  Fucking clown shoes.  He’s so pleased with himself that he proclaims that he must be four times the magician he was before, and then all of the Orkos start arguing with each other.  Does it count as murder if he starts killing himself?  I hope we get to find out.

9 7 Orkos Fighting

But, thanks to Prince Adam, we don’t get to.  He convinces them to work together instead of fighting.  So they make a big magic star appear, which seems pretty useless and unimpressive.  All of a sudden, there’s a crash outside.  It was the sound of an egg falling onto the outer deck.  It hatches to reveal a baby dragon, and just as everyone starts cooing over it, it grows into a full grown dragon.

9 8 Teela Horrified

9 8 Baby Dragon Gif

Obviously it’s time for Prince Adam to turn into He-Man.  As he starts to do so, we see him in silhouette only, and a bunch of debris falls on him, but the stock animation is too powerful, and Castle Grayskull breaks through the rocks.  Literally, causes them to explode.

9 9 Break on Through

Then it switches to the typical stock animation of Pince Adam standing in front of Castle Grayskull so that he can complete his transformation. Battle Cat goes outside and starts nipping at the dragon’s ankles while He-Man jumps out of an upper story window onto its head.  It bucks him off pretty easily, making the whole effort seem pretty pointless.  Teela steps onto a balcony and blasts the fucker in the neck with a ray-gun.  Ram Man comes out of nowhere and tries to ram it in the ankle, because he’s short, but the dragon just lifts its leg up and he hits the wall instead.  Mat-At-Arms ends up blasting it with his band new stasis ray and it freezes.

9 11 Teela Blaster

Somehow Skeletor got himself home and is watching the dragon fuck shit up at the royal palace with Beast Man.  He doesn’t even seem pissed at Beast Man for taking off in the car earlier.  Skeletor is far to busy congratulating himself and talking about how impressed he is with his own powers.  Beast Man mutters about how he’ll show Skeletor what real power is, someday.  No wonder he drinks the way he does, he’s got battered wife syndrome!  Skeletor rambles on about a growth syrum and how the dragon pearl is really going to fuck some shit up.  Damn, this plan has a lot of steps to it!

9 12 Self Congratulating

Meanwhile, Teela is flying somewhere in one of those hover tanks they garage at the palace and tells her his village has been attacked by a dragon.  She says, rather nonchalantly, that dragon eggs are falling from the sky all over the land.  Then, just to show how not a big deal it is, she blasts another dragon with the stasis ray.  He-Man traps yet another dragon in a cave by plugging it up with a rock.

Back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor is hosting Evil-Lyn, Trap-Jaw, Beast Man, and some Fu Manchu looking guy.  He explains that while everyone is busy fucking around with all these dragons, they are going to go take over Castle Grayskull.  As soon as they arrive at Castle Grayskull, Skeletor is all like, “check out our new home”!  Little early to be claiming victory, don’t you think?  You’re not even inside yet.  Evil-Lyn is fretting because she doesn’t think there is any way they will be able to break in because He-Man and/or the Sorceress always stop them.

9 13 Control the Castle

Skeletor explains that the Sorceress cannot resist the dragon pearl, so it must be like some kind of catnip for powerful witches or something.  He starts shouting to the Sorceress that he will dominate her and take over Castle Grayskull.  She shows up at the window and tells Skeletor to fuck off.  She uses some mind powers to bind them, but he breaks free and blasts at her with the dragon pearl.  It overcomes her and sucks her in like a tractor beam, trapping her.  But not before she sends out a mental distress call to He-Man.

9 14 Trapped

Inside, Skeletor is about to cream in his pants, he’s so excited to find out all of Castle Grayskull’s secrets.  One of which is that it apparently houses some planets just inside the entry way.  Skeletor uses the dragon pearl to activate a force field around the castle.  I wonder if that crystal can make dinner too, because it seems to be able to do everything else…

9 15 Housing Planets

He-Man shows up outside and Skeletor’s face appears to taunt him and apparently it’s so intimidating that He-Man lays down on the job for the second episode in a row!  I should point out that the animation of Skeletor’s disembodied face in front of the castle is the same as the animation of him superimposed and laughing in front of the castle from the intro sequence.  Outside, after a number of failed attempts to get in, they resolve to kidnap Beast Man, whom apparently controls the dragons, and force him to direct all the dragons to Castle Grayskull.

9 16 Laying Down on the Job

So He-Man and Teela go to Snake Mountain and just walk right in the place.  Beast Man sics one of the dragons on him and throws boulders at him, but Teela just blasts him with the stasis ray.  He-Man is about to deal with the dragon, when it starts sniffing Teela’s ass and becomes hypnotized by its sweet, musky smell.  A ginger fox like that, who wouldn’t?  She giggles because she likes it.

9 18 Sniffing Ass Gif

They get all the dragons gathered outside of Castle Grayskull.  I’m not sure what their plan is exactly.  Use the dragons to smash the castle?  That seems kind of counter productive.  I’m not the only one wondering exactly what the plan is, as Teela just flat out asks how this stupid ass plan is supposed to work.  Orko says that the answer is team work. Well, that isn’t very fucking specific, is it?

9 18 Gathered Dragons

So all the dragons start fire-breathing on the castle at once.   I’m still failing to understand how burning down the castle is going to be very helpful.  Doesn’t He-Man depend on it to sustain his magical strength?  Well lucky for him, before the castle burns down, the combined force of the dragons’ fire-breath causes the force field to dissipate.  Everyone rushes inside and Skeletor’s crew bum-rushes them.

9 19 Get Them

Fu Manchu and Ram Man take each other out while Stratos distracts Trap-Jaw.  Teela tries to blast Skeletor with the stasis ray, but he escapes through a portal to Snake Mountain.  But apparently He-Man is still kicking it over there and starts chasing Skeletor around.  Skeletor grabs the dragon pearl with the Sorceress trapped inside and runs off with He-Man in tow.  He stops on a catwalk and faces off with He-Man.

9 20 Face Off

He then uses the dragon pearl to make himself grow all giant like, and grabs He-Man by the arm, causing He-Man to wince like a little bitch.  See, I told you this dragon pearl can do anything.  I don’t think the writers are even trying anymore.  Eternia seems to have an endless supply of mystical artifacts that can serve just about any purpose one wants them to.  He-Man grabs Skeletor by the leg and pulls it out from under him, causing him to go over the side of the catwalk.

9 21 Wincing

9 21 Wincing Alt

He-Man tries to save Skeletor for some reason, but Skeletor just jumps down to a lower ledge and tells He-Man what a dipshit he is for trying to save him.  He-Man says some lying-ass bullshit about valuing life, so of course he tried to save Skeletor.  Skeletor taunts him with the dragon pearl, but he must have had a stick of butter for lunch, because he drops it.  This guy can’t do anything right, can he?

9 22 Dropped It

Because he dropped the dragon pearl, he shrinks back to normal size.  He summons an air jet and takes off.  A dragon flies down into the pit and rescues the dragon pearl, which still contains the captive Sorceress.  It uses its fire-breath to cause the dragon pearl to explode, which frees the Sorceress.  Before all the dragons go home to their mother, Orko totally makes out with a baby one.  Just before the episode ends, we get an interesting shot of the planet (I’m still not sure if Eternia is a kingdom, or a continent, or the planet, or what), which shows the shape of the continents and some geographical features.

9 23 Baby Dragon

9 24 Planet

Time for this week’s moral!  I think its going to be about how playing with fire is fun, and that kids should burn their houses down.  Instead Orko tells us that it’s evil to mistreat animals and that they should be treated nice.  As an example, they show the sequence where the dragon is sniffing Teela’s ass again.  Nice.  You know, I’m starting to sense a theme of hypocrisy with these weekly moral lessons.  Doesn’t He-Man constantly abuse his pet Cringer by frequently, forcibly transforming him into Battle Cat against his will?  In closing, he says that if you let your pets sniff your ass, they will return the favor.  Um.  No thanks.  I have no interest in sniffing my pug’s ass.  Fucking gross.

He-Man murder count: 5 and 1 attempted murder

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Mat-At-Arms, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Strator, Jitsu

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