I imagine that “Disappearing Dragons” is what the band Imagine Dragons will be when their 15 minutes are over. To be fair though, I do like their album. Anyway, we open on Orko getting bested by Prince Adam at the Eternian version of chess out in the garden. Orko totally cheats and lets Cringer whisper a move to him. He makes the move and deservedly loses the game. Orko pisses on Cringer for doing him wrong, but Cringer righteously tells him he should make his own decisions. Right on Cringer, slap me some paw. Zoar swoops overhead and squawks shrilly, alerting Prince Adam to trouble. She communicates with him telepathically and says that Granamyr wants to see him right away. Prince Adam mutters his name, which is enough to send Cringer into convulsions.
He-Man and crew waste no time getting to Granamyr where Orko starts fucking around with Granamyr’s shit, like, immediately. Granamyr shows up and warmly greets He-Man. This is the third time we’ve encountered Granamyr, and we know he does not put up with some bull-shit, convention-breaking, formality-thrashing dumb-fuckery. Not a single iota. Orko immediately does exactly the kind of dumb-fuckery that greater men have died for – luckily he wasn’t witnessed fucking with Granamyr’s stuff – and flies right up to Granamyr’s face, introducing himself like it’s an ice breaker at an ice-cream social in a senior’s club. He even tries to appeal to him as a magician of equivalent ability. Scoff. I was hoping that Granamyr would literally bite his head off, but he doesn’t even do it figuratively. He huffs Orko across the room, and Orko gets cross with him, calling him “lizard breath”.
I’m sure there’s about to be a murder, but He-Man quickly changes the subject to the reason he was summoned. As you might have guessed, the issue is that dragons have been disappearing. Was there possibly a Grateful Dead concert that rolled through here, recently? That might explain it. Granamyr and all his ancient magic and wisdom can’t figure out what the problem is, so he figured a meat-head human like He-Man could solve the mystery. Granamyr informs He-Man that he’ll be lounging leisurely, sitting on his ass counting his fortune should he need anything. Just, you know, call first. He-Man says he’s going to go off and get Mekaneck and Buzz-Off to help him. I don’t know who Mekaneck is, but lets hope he’s got more brains than He-Man and Buzz-Off combined, because they’re going to need them.
Somewhere on Dragon Mountain, a new villain is hanging out with Webstor, whom I barely remembered because he’s been in maybe one or two episodes. Webstor insults the new guy, calling him “Snake-Puss”, which is really just an excuse for the new guy to say, “The name’s Kobra Khan, web-head, respect.” Then a dragon ambles by and they level a laser canon at him. Mekaneck and Buzz-Off observe them from afar, by way of Mekaneck’s telescoping head. Oh, okay. I remember this guy. I had this toy, his neck did extend about two inches and I think you could look through his eyes. I also had Kobra Khan – his head was like a miniature spray bottle pump, and you could put water in him and he’d spit it when you pressed his head down. I have to say, He-Man toys did go the extra mile when making each one have a cool and unique extra feature. I hope they explain how Mekaneck got like that, because it’s kind of fucked up.
Webstor is about to blast the living shit out of that dragon while he shouts, “I kill for fun!”, when Mr. Hanky orders him not to. Wait, Mr. Hanky? No, I’m serious, I thought Mr. Hanky was there. Turns out, and I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before, Buzz-Off sounds strangely similar to Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. They all get into a scuffle which is full of puns that aren’t worth repeating and gimmicky defenses that must have cost a fortune in new animation sequences. It ends rather unfortunately for the heroes with stars spinning above their heads and Buzz-Off’s wings pinned to a rock. He may never fly again. On top of all that, Kobra Khan gasses them. During all the ruckus, the dragon they were going to slaughter takes off.
The villains are about to gut and flay the unconscious heroes when He-Man shows up. They run to their laser cannon, which turns out to be a transporter ray that leads to another dimension, in order to use it on He-Man. Orko, the meddling fuck, flies over to it and tries to use magic to stop it. He says, “Wiggle, waggle, woggle, way, magic spell destroy that ray!” As stupid as it sounds, I don’t know how he fucked up this spell! Seems pretty straightforward. The dude is just a good-for-nothing. The laser goes haywire, shooting its transdimensional ray everywhere, then finally explodes, disappearing everyone but Orko. Why couldn’t it have been the other way around?? At least Orko laments that it’s all his fault.
Out in another dimension, He-Man puts his arm around his comrades and comforts them. He devises that their best chance is to torture Kobra Khan and Webstor so they can find out where they are and how to get back. On Eternia, Orko tries, failingly, of course, to put the dimensional beam back together. Sensibly, he gives up, but before he can go get Man-At-Arms to help him fix it, that dragon shows back up. Orko tries to reason with him, even name-dropping Granamyr, but the dragon wisely tries to fry his ass anyway. Having name-dropped Granamyr pays off (not for me), because the cranky old blowhard actually shows up to save Orko’s ass. As Orko explains what they’ve discovered, we cut back to the alternate dimension.
He-Man and crew uncover the dungeon where all the dragons are being held and are immediately confronted by some pansies on flying disks who all-too-willingly reveal to their known enemies that the dragons are there for some “game” they will be putting on, and that they will not abide these strangers’ meddling. He-Man tries to reason with them that they are harboring stolen property, but they don’t give a shit because they have bath-houses, and bisexual orgies, and violent, dragon-slaying arena games to attend to. The Roman Rejects cast a force field over them, which He-Man is unable to break, then transport them to their court.
They try to spin a sob story and communicate that their culture has been decimated by war, and things have just been really awful for a while; they can’t even get original Twinkies anymore. He-Man says, “Tough shit, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten into a war.” The Roman Rejects ignore him and continue with their sob story. You see, it’s bad enough that all of their women and children were raped by war, but Breaking Bad and Dexter are over, and there’s nothing good on TV any more. So, the only pleasure they have is a sort of cock fighting, but with dragons. And lions, and slaves. That all fight to the death. Don’t you pity them? I do a little bit – those were good shows – but, He-Man ain’t havin’ it!
These people, despite trying a sympathetic route, really don’t give two shits, and quickly reveal that they have promised Kobra Khan and Webstor the means to conquer Eternia in exchange for the dragons they needed. He-Man makes a plea for sanity, reasoning that these dragons are living beings and can’t be treated this way, but his argument falls on deaf and uninterested ears. Kobra Khan whispers something to the leader of the Roman Rejects, which leads him to offer a compromise: He-Man will fight their champion, and if he wins, they will release the dragons. Despite Mekaneck’s protests, He-Man agrees.
Back on Eternia, Orko is just finishing his story. Granamyr uses his magic, the same magic that failed to solve this mystery, despite his allegedled best efforts, to repair the transdimensional ray. Then he insults Orko’s magical ability, which is disappointingly conveyed with a smile. In the other dimension, He-Man begins his big fight against Bylon, whom Mekaneck is surprised to learn is a robot. Bylon quickly ensnares He-Man with some tubey-projectiles. He-Man struggles to break free while the Roman Rejects make bets against him – except for the red-headed woman. She bets on He-Man then puts her hand between her legs.. Then he breaks out. The Roman Rejects faith in their robot still isn’t shaken.
Bylon fires some missiles at He-Man, which he catches and throws back. They explode on Bylon but don’t make a dent. In a sequence that takes place off-camera because it doesn’t make a ton of sense, He-Man is able to get close enough to Bylon and pick him up. We cut back in time to see Bylon get thrown toward a wall, only to turn into a jet and fly to safety. It all goes downhill for He-Man from here. Bylon hits He-Man with some strength-sapping ray, then traps Buzz-Off and Mekaneck under a dome. He comes out with some spinning axe-hands and moves to finish this. Suddenly, Bylon’s path to He-Man is blocked by a fire blast from Granamyr, who has arrived with Orko. Granamyr melts the face off of Bylon while Kobra Khan and Webstor make an escape.
He-Man proclaims to have won, but the Roman Reject’s leader calls shenanigans and says He-Man cheated on account of the assistance from his dragon friend, which, coincidentally, saved his fucking life. Granamyr doesn’t even try to reason with them, he just turns them into steel or something with his magic, and they fall down to the ground like a rock. Orko says, “Man, Granamyr doesn’t fuck around!” Granamyr frees Mekaneck who uses his telescoping head to scope out where Webstor and Kobra Khan went. He-Man catches up with them, then causes the vehicle they’re in to run right the fuck off a cliff. It’s definitely not a murder though, because they clearly show that the two of them are just dazed down at the bottom of the cliff.
Back in the arena, Granamyr and two other dragons are staring down on the puny Roman Rejects. They shamelessly beg for their lives, and I’m pretty certain those dragons are about to torch the shit out of these pussies. As I feared and expected, however, He-Man shows up and asks him to stop. “You can’t do this”, he says. Granamyr simply replies that it’s justice. Unfortunately, Granamyr is talked out of murdering them. Instead, his dragons – four of them now – burn the coliseum to the ground. Except that it’s stone, so I don’t really know how they accomplished that. Then He-Man has a heart to heart with the Roman Rejects and convinces them to put their intellect to good and to rebuild and beautify their land. Jesus, does no one have to pay for their crimes on this show? Skeletor simply gets sent home all the time, and these guys just get a stern talking to?
Back in Granamyr’s lair, Orko continues being disrespectful and demands recognition after Granamyr thanks He-Man. “Don’t I deserve something too”, he whines? “That you do”, says Granamyr. He then summons a jar up behind Orko which uncorks itself, allowing a demon hand to reach out and snatch him. I hope it fingers his butt-hole with its claws. He-Man comments that he’d like to take the jar home with him to use at his discretion. Granamyr cordially advises that He-Man can borrow the jar whenever he wants.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how you shouldn’t burn ants with a magnifying glass or shoot birds with a BB gun. It’s not cool, it’s cruel. He-Man comes on to tell us that the Romans have a strange idea of fun and used to feed Christians to lions for entertainment. So treat your pets right, it’s more fun than torturing them, and you won’t get arrested for treating your pets right, so just do it.
He-Man Murder Count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 1
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 6
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Granamyr, Webstor, Monster in a Bottle
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Buzz-Off
Linda Gary: The Sorceress, Cara
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Mekaneck, Bylon, Kobra Khan