I hope this episode is about a toilet monster, or at least a snake at summer camp, awaiting an unsuspecting camper, coiled up in the toilet bowl, ready to strike. Fabulous secret powers. We open on Teela’s fine ass as she looks out over a crop of corn – the best they’ve had in years. Probably with the motive of seducing him, Teela slobbers all over the strapping African-Eternian farmer, Hagar, complimenting him on his crop. Either he misses the point, or he isn’t into white girls, because Hagar defers responsibility to the good rains this season. The farmer’s idiot son asks Orko to do some magic, which is how I know he’s an idiot. Ever happy to mess up a trick, Orko obliges. What he performs isn’t even a trick; rather, he juggles some fruit and then swallows them one by one.
The mood ruined, Teela leaves, unstuffed, and heads back to the palace with Orko. Along the way, foolishly, he plucks some corn and eats it raw. While Teela stands there humoring his antics, the corn starts getting pulled into the ground, row by row. Teela tries to run, but the ground swallows her up, closing behind her as she falls down a deep tunnel. In the bowels of the planet, Teela finds, well, corn. The corn is being packed up and hauled off to storage by some cave-dwellers in purple overalls. They spot her quickly and move in to capture her. Teela tries to activate her wrist blaster, but she fumbles with it and instead gets captured, quite easily.
Elsewhere, Prince Adam shares his favorite past time, fishing, with Man-At-Arms. Never able to sit and relax and fish, Orko shows up to shit on their R&R, telling them that Teela has been sucked down into the ground. Immediately going on high-alert, Prince Adam gets busy with some recycled animation and goes to investigate as He-Man. Somehow, Orko identifies, out of a vast, empty field, the very spot that Teela was sucked under. Cringer digs in and discovers a tunnel. He-Man goes in after Teela but orders Daddy Duncan to stay behind in case the hole closes up behind them and they need help. Always flaring toward the dramatic, He-man does a double gainer into the hole, and then we screen wipe to the next scene.
In what I doubt is his first or his last time, He-Man begins his exploration of the bowels of Eternia. The cave-dwelling mole men catch onto He-Man pretty quickly and attack. In the subterranean throne room of the mole men’s king, which I hardly believe could be so close to Eternia without being detected, their king holds Teela hostage like his own personal Leia. He refuses to listen to Teela’s reason on the grounds that every word she speaks is an above-grounder lie. He spots He-Man through his magic emerald sphere and summons minions against him. They man tanks that emerge from rocks and start blasting the cavern ceilings, trying to cause a cave-in to kill him. He-Man gets trapped, which necessitates a roundhouse kick to clear the rubble from his path.
He-Man hurls his power sword into the tank’s laser, which causes the machine to explode, probably killing the operator. What the hell, I’m going to call that a murder. He-Man has stayed his hand more this season, so I’m not going to let this slide, if only for the sake of a gimmicky, arbitrary tally. Subternius, the mole men king, says of He-Man, “I’ve never seen the likes of him”, which isn’t quite a compliment, but shows that he’s impressed. He-Man comes roaring into the chambers atop Battle Cat. Subternius orders He-Man not to move as his guards move in with spears, but He-Man ignores him and simply tells Teela it’s time to go. I’m completely taken by surprise when it’s not that easy.
Except that I really am taken by surprise, because the reason it is not easy is because Teela steps forward in counsel with He-Man and a little too eagerly volunteers to stay and try to reason with the Mole King instead of a fight ensuing. Teela really should have tried harder with Hagar, earlier. Now she’s all pent up and willing to stoop this low, using “duress” as an excuse to sleep with such a hideous creature, just to finally get her rocks off. Why must a woman’s sexuality be so harshly judged that Teela has to satisfy herself in this way? If not, she could feely bump uglies with whomever and not fear the label of a slut, therefore not having to sleep with a mole man under the guise of duress. He-man agrees, but threateningly shows Subternius his fist and says, “Harm her, and you’ll answer to me!”, which implies that He-Man will put his fist somewhere very uncomfortable. This also calls to mind the episode’s title, “Attack From Below”.
Back in Eternia, He-Man tries to valiantly spin Teela trading sex for peace to Man-At-Arms, and mercifully, Duncan’s “dad filter” kicks in and he misses the point, taking pride in what he perceives as a general act of sacrifice. He-Man distracts him from the situation by ordering the evacuation of the farmers. Back in Subterrenia, Teela tries to reason with Subternius before she has to resort to performing fellatio on him. Subternius tells her that she’s off the hook because he’s so hungry he can’t perform. Teela lies that they just had to ask and Eternia would have freely shared their food with them, but Subternius knows better than to trust a cleanly above-grounder. He then launches into a flashback story.
You see, the last time he went above ground for help, he made the unfortunate mistake of going to Skeletor. Apparently, Skeletor tricked them, captured them and forced them to work in his fields for many, many years. Wait, what? Skeletor has crop fields? He had slaves for years? I’m having trouble with this, and also whether a flash back that shows Skeletor counts as him being in the episode or not. I’m going with does not count, because they probably used an old animation cell of him, which is lazy. Unless he shows up in the current-day plotline, I am considering him absentee. Teela interrupts Subternius, coyly asking if there is any way she can convince him to trust her. The answer is no, he is now too angry to fuck, and the only thing that will get his dick hard is out-and-out war. Sorry, Teela, no copulation for you.
Outside of Eternia’s farmland, in a tent-village, Hagar, the very farmer that could have prevented Teela’s desperate play for a mole man is thanking He-Man for getting him moved to safety. Battle Cat roars incoherently, which, as He-Man translates for us, means that Teela’s womanly wiles have failed and that the mole men are attacking. Man-At-Arms orders Orko to keep an eye on the farmer and his boy, then leaps into the most bizarre vehicle I have ever seen, and I suddenly remember that there was a toy of this, though I’m not sure if I had it, or it was a friends. There is a reptile head on the machine, which has a circular base, mounted atop one end of an oval shaped body that is lined with teeth like an inside out gear. Its called the dragon walker, and it achieves locomotion by rotating the oblong body around the circular base of the head, which seems like a ludicrously inefficient means of achieving locomotion. I can’t wait to find out what the purpose of this machine is, which is likely to be nothing other than to be weird for the sake of being weird.
Mole Men tanks roll up and start vacuuming all of the reserve corn out of the Eternian’s silos. Ram Man shows up and starts smashing tanks while He-Man flips them over on their tops. More tanks come and Ram Man gets himself stuck in mud, nearly getting run over by a tank. He is saved when Man-At-Arms melts the thing with a fireball from the dragon walker, which leads to Ram Man saying, “Tanks, Man-At-Arms”, which makes me roll my eyes. Then, two more tanks come at him, and Man-At-Arms uses then swinging motion of the dragon walkers’ base to take them out. He-Man expresses how impressed he is with the contraption, but I’m not convinced. I still think it’s probably the most pointless invention I’ve ever seen. None-the-less, Man-At-Arms slurps up the compliments.
Bored with sucking the corn down through the planet’s outer crust like they have been, the mole men come out with a rather uninventive combine and start mowing down corn, rather brazenly, right in front of He-Man and Ram Man. He-Man tries to attack the combine, but it deflects him with a force field. It’s a strong one – too strong even for He-Man’s recycled animation punch. Together, He-Man and Ram Man combine forces to hit it at the same time, which does the trick. More machines come out and He-Man frets that they won’t stop coming. Man-At-Arms helpfully chimes in that he noticed none of them have a power source, but rather a receiver powered by a single remote source. Wait, there’s more! Man-At-Arms just happens to have a transponder that will locate the power source so that He-Man can destroy it and stop all the machines at once. Cheap!
He-Man leaves Duncan to dodge tanks and whatnot and goes off to find the power source. Inexplicably, the farmer’s boy pops out from behind some rocks and follows him. He-Man quickly finds the door to the power source. Subternius steps out with the captive, possibly violated Teela, and tells He-Man to stop, and that he’ll never get through the doors to the generator because they are too strong. He-Man easily tears them open and takes hold of the generator’s transmitters and smashes them together. All of the mole men’s robots and equipment fail simultaneously, thus saving the last little strip of corn that’s left. He-Man confronts Subternius, but then the farm boy jumps out and immediately gets taken hostage.
Subternius decides to flood the fields of Eternia, figuring if there is no farmland, he can’t be enslaved and forced to farm it. The boy tries to reason with Subternius, pleading economic hardship on account of his father’s occupation depending on the fields. Subternius tries to disarm the boy by relating that he too is a farmer, but the boy calls him out on it, saying no true farmer would hurt the fields, and that his father would never use slaves – that’s why he has a son. Subternius has a change of heart and apologizes for judging them, but it’s too late, Subternius has already triggered the floods, and there is no way to stop it. Except for He-Man dumping some rocks in front of the water, which diverts it to the ocean.
Later, Agar seems to have been informed of his son’s little misadventure, and he doesn’t even seem mad about it. Maybe it’s because Teela was the one violated by Subternius, and not his boy. Teela basically confirms this for me when we cut to her looking forlornly at her feet while telling the boy how brave he was. Then his dad looks even more proud. Teela tells the boy he should try out for the royal guard and that she will put in a good word for him. She only says this hoping that she will finally score with Agar and wipe the ickyness of sleeping with the mole men clean from her mind. Even though their crops were grown to harvest and I’m sure it’s too late in the season, Agar thinks he can make up for all the lost crops because the mole men have promised to help them in the fields. I don’t see why they can’t just give the corn back… Then Hagar bitches that Orko is eating all his strawberries.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how if you are the heterosexual female friend of a gay man, you should let them stop you from sleeping with some people. Then you might be able to avoid fucking a beady-eyed little mole man once in a while. Also, women shouldn’t be held to a double standard for expressing their sexuality. Teela comes on screen to tell us not to hate above-grounders based on stereotypes, or any one else for that matter. Don’t be a bigot, kids. While this happens, that same little hazy still of Skeletor shows up, and I’m reminded of how he was really not in this episode, even though he was, but only because of flashbacks made up of recycled cells, which don’t count as being present in the episode.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2 7
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man, Subternius, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Battle Cat, Agar, Skeletor
Linda Gary: Teela/Garda
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Belot Soldier, Trap Jaw