“The Energy Beast” made me first think of Prince Adam, or He-Man, in the gym pumping iron. No, wait, he starts out as Prince Adam, but it’s too hard, so he turns into He-Man. That’s how it’d go down, I’m certain of it. He does this while he pounds an energy drink Man-At-Arms “invented”, called “Energy Beast”. Unfortunately, we don’t open on a gym. Instead we start with a swooping shot over the Royal Palace, from a sharp overhead angle that kind of makes me dizzy. I’m not sure we’ve ever seen this perspective on the palace before. Maybe the creators came back to Season 2 with a little more cash in their pocket.
In Man-At-Arms’ lab, Orko is scoping out some green, falcon-looking tricycles. He fucks with them, of course, and comes crashing into the throne room just as King Randor is proclaiming the first ever He-Man day. This is one occasion that I can endorse Orko ruining. Prince Adam barely has time to speak his opinion on the holiday, which he doesn’t seem to want to do, when Orko smashes into the wall, trashing the trike. Man-At-Arms is pissed. He apparently spent six months building that trike.
Orko tops off his blunder by accidentally flying trough the scroll on which the proclamation putting He-Man Day into law is written. Teela makes Orko feel like shit about it, but then Queen Marlena backs the edge off a bit by mentioning He-Man Day, and every one gets all happy again from talking about how good it feels to have a He-Man Day. This just bums Orko out, because he could never live up to how awesome He-Man is. He starts to leave before he “causes another disaster”, when an earthquake starts. Or did I decide to call them eterniashakes in a previous episode? I can’t remember.
Outside the palace window, they see some rocks break off of a bluff on Mount Eternia, which overlooks the palace. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a Mount Eternia overlooking the palace, so this must be how the Simpsons came up with Mount Murderhorn. Where the rocks used to be, we can see an ancient temple inside. Of course they all go to investigate. Outside the temple, Teela reveals that she can read ancient Eternian. According to Teela, the writing on the temple is a warning against the absolute power contained within, and the writing is “really old”. Prince Adam is really intrigued by the “absolute power”, which seems strange since he’s allegedly the “most powerful man in the universe” already. Excited as he is, he agrees that they should wait to break the seal on the temple until Teela can translate the rest of the writing.
Up to his old tricks, Skeletor has witnessed this whole discovery on his omniscient table monitor, and, of course, plots to steal this absolute power for himself and, conveniently, he’s got all night to do it. However, Skeletor doesn’t waste any time and teleports directly to the temple. He tries to use some finger magic to open it, but it just knocks him on his ass. Skeletor regroups and decides to come back with some tools or something.
In the palace, Orko pouts and looks at a poster for He-Man Day. How the fuck is there a He-Man Day poster already? It was only signed into law a few hours ago, if it even was after the literal bill was destroyed by Orko. Prince Adam interrupts Orko as he fantasizes about having an Orko Day. Orko is so embarrassed that his ears glow red. Prince Adam unconvincingly tries to convince Orko that everyone likes him, but Orko disappears before Prince Adam can finish his blathering. Orko decides that if he gets the power in that temple, he might be important enough to have a day to celebrate him. As he scopes out the temple doors, they open and suck him in like a vacuum as Orko screams for help, which, in my ears, is a joyful sound.
Inside the temple, Orko encounters a little demon inside a glass dome. It commands Orko to come to it, which he does. The demon tells Orko that whoever releases him from the dome, will have his greatest dream come true. This sounds like a pretty good deal to Orko, so he wishes to be as famous as He-Man and takes the dome off the demon. Just as Orko second-guesses himself, the demon blasts him and starts growing like those little foam animals when you put the capsule in water. The demon promises Orko no dreams, only nightmares, then attacks him.
Prince Adam sees suspicious flashing coming from up in the ancient temple, which is a perfect excuse to turn into He-Man, which he does. He-Man arrives in time for an avalanche of rocks to fall all around him. He punches his way through to the temple doors and pries them open. Once inside, he and Battle Cat defend Orko from the demon. The demon reveals himself as the Energy Beast and tells He-Man he can’t be hurt because he’s all energy. Now that he’s free, he’s going to rule Eternia again. He-Man shields himself against his brightness as the demon vanishes to another dimension.
Skeletor and Beast Man have been watching on the monitor. Beast Man figures they’re all fucked now, but Skeletor is overly confident that he can bend the Energy Beast to serve his own agenda. At Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress fills in a little exposition about the Energy Beast. The Energy Beast was formed at the same time the planet was, but he was trapped in the planet’s core. During the ancient eruptions, he was freed and terrorized the ancient Eternians until they figure out a secret to stop him, a secret that has been lost forever. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the secret was a glass dome, but nobody asked me.
Since the Energy Beast is pure energy, no conventional weapons will work against him. So they have to find the Golden Chamber of the Ancients, deep with in Mount Eternia, where they can recover the magic needed to stop him. A suspicious, evil-looking raven eavesdrops from overhead, and once it has heard enough, it flies off to inform Skeletor. Even though the raven is already back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor says, “Raven, raven, come to me. Tell me now, what did you see”? As you might have predicted, the raven tells him what’s up. What you might not have predicted is that it does this all in rhyme, just like Skeletor did when he asked. One of these writers has clearly read too much Edgar Allen Poe.
Teela and Orko accompany Prince Adam while Man-At-Arms uses the radio to talk him through the final settings for the automated drill pod they are in. This “roto-pod” is still “very experimental”, so you know something is going to go wrong in it. Cringer protests, but Prince Adam has no patience for his bullshit today. Half a mile into the mountain, they get stuck and the engine stalls. Cringer gets scared and really lays it on thick, feigning like he’s going to faint. Prince Adam goes below into the “fusion room” and discovers that the drive shaft is broken. Drive Shaft. Worst fake band ever. Thanks for that, Lost.
Of course, the only way he can fix it is to turn into He-Man. Once he’s done that, in the small maintenance chamber (actually, it’s not as small as it really should be, based on the exterior shots of the machine), he bends the broken shaft back into place. Then, I guess, by squeezing it really hard it heats up and melds together, “better than new”. What-the-fuck-ever, this is bullshit. That was a job for laser vision, and He-Man doesn’t have that. I’d also like to point out that they completely clipped the recycled animation sequence. Once Prince Adam lifts his sword above his head, the screen flashes and then he steps into the frame as He-Man.
He-Man’s not done yet. He uses his strength to start the drill back up. Is he going to turn back into Prince Adam, or what? Dense as Teela seems to be, if He-Man comes out of the engine compartment and Prince Adam is nowhere to be found, I think she’s going to figure it out, never mind that they look exactly alike and carry the same sword around all the time. Instead of sneaking back upstairs as Prince Adam, He-Man steps out in front of the drill, which seems like a really, really fucking bad idea with Teela and Orko behind the wheel, and uses his fists to smash the hard rock formation that jammed them up in the first place.
Teela and Orko are impressed by He-Man’s ability to smash through solid stone. Then, the roto-pod breaks through to the inner chamber of Mount Eternia, and He-Man is nowhere to be seen. But Prince Adam steps out and assures them that He-Man is nearby. Man-At-Arms chirps in on Teela’s bracelet communicator and tells them to hurry up because the Energy Beast is back. Then a ghastly specter in hooded robes, carrying a scepter materializes in front of them.
He welcomes them, and explains that he is one of the spirits of the ancients. He is speaking to them from the past, but he hears all and sees all, so he knows what is going down. The crystal in his scepter is the only way to control the Energy Beast, and they don’t even have to do anything special to get it. As the ghost telekinetically hands over the crystal, Skeletor appears and intercepts it. Skeletor plans to use it to intimidate the Energy Beast into doing his bidding.
Skeletor blips back out after revealing his plans, which I guess makes the ancient Eternian jealous of the exposition, because he tells Prince Adam and Teela that he can’t do anything to help them since he’s really in the past. He also tells them that they need to recover the crystal and use it to give the Energy Beast what he wants most. Having practically handed them instructions on how to win, the ancient Eternian fades back out to the past to do whatever it is that ancient Eternians did back then. As soon as he leaves, the cavern starts falling in on itself.
Teela gets trapped in a little dugout by some falling boulders, which allows Prince Adam enough time to turn into He-Man by way of the full recycled animation sequence. He-Man pulls the boulder off of the nook and frees Teela. She barely has time to ask about Prince Adam and Cringer when He-Man cuts her off and says curtly, “They’re safe”, then he orders her to get in the fucking roto-pod so they can go stop the Energy Beast. Man-At-Arms is on the emergency broadcast radio ordering the evacuation of, well, everyone.
Skeletor is holding the crystal while he tries to summon the Energy Beast when He-Man shows up. Skeletor conveniently happens to be standing on a boulder by a pond, so He-Man picks the boulder up and throws it into the pond. When Skeletor surfaces, he taunts He-Man that he still has the crystal, but then Orko swoops in and snatches it. To finish him off, Teela shoots him with ray that traps him in crystal. Just as soon as they recover the crystal, they witness the Energy Beast flying toward the peak of Mount Eternia. He-Man and Teela mount up on Battle Cat to try and beat the Energy Beast to the top. Even riding on top of Battle Cat and sitting behind He-Man, and Teela still doesn’t realize who they really are.
They do actually beat the Energy Beast there, which was only possible because of the screen wipe that cut to them already standing on top of the mountain. He-Man even has enough time to cut the top off the mountain and push it aside. This reveals a shaft that leads straight to the center of the planet. The Energy Beast shows up finally and it is very clear that he wants the crystal. He-Man waves it at him and invites him to come get it. He tosses it down the shaft and the Energy Beast goes after it like a dummy. I guess he doesn’t have an energy brain in there. He-Man pushes the cap back over the pit, and that’s that. The Energy Beast is once again trapped in the center of Eternia’s molten core. I think He-Man bested both Skeletor and the Energy Beast a little too easy in this episode.
We get back to the palace and I’m treated to the same nauseating panning shot over the palace that made me dizzy, and to which I subjected you as well. I didn’t think it was possible after that shot, but I get even more nauseous when King Randor is re-commemorating He-Man Day, but instead has been asked by it’s namesake to rechristen it Okro Day. Oh, give me a break. I’m going to puke. I wonder if that poster in Orko’s room has magically changed to say Orko Day. Wait, there’s more! It’s not just Orko Day, it’s also Teela, Man-At-Arms, and Prince Adam Day, because they all work together. Orko pulls out some pom-poms and does a He-Man cheer, and then I really do puke.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how Orko should never, ever have an official holiday commemorating him, even if it is shared with a bunch of other people. Instead, Teel’s sexy face comes on, looking really closely into the camera. She tells us that it’s really important to have patience, then there’s a lame joke where Teela sort of tricks Orko into being impatient.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 0
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 0
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer
Linda Gary: The Sorceress, Queen Marlena
Lou Sheimer: Orko, King Randor, Energy Beast, Raven
Erkia Scheimer: Spirit of the Ancients
Oh, a new cast member! The wife of an existing cast member I’m sure. It’s always awkward banging a co-worker, right?