I don’t even know what that means, Three on a Dare, so I’m not going to bother with a rip on the title this week. At the Royal Palace, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are repairing the high frequency transmitter when Teela comes in. Don’t worry, she’s not here to help. Instead she’s come in to gloat that she’s taking a jet crawler on a mission. Wah? Man-At-Arms looks at her blankly. Okay, so it’s not so much of a mission as she’s escorting a field trip for a bunch of teens. Prince Adam perks up a bit and invites himself along. Teela is sure that she alone can handle a bunch of teens, but I’ve got news for her. This may not be Dangerous Minds, but she’s not Michelle Pfeiffer either.
Even so, the problem, Man-At-Arms tells her, is that the broken high frequency transmitter he’s trying to repair happens to be the only one programmed on the jet crawler’s frequency. Therefore she won’t be able to communicate if they have trouble. Teela throws caution to the wind and irresponsibly decides to put the lives of several teens in jeopardy out of hubris. As she walks away, Man-At-Arms says, “That woman’s got a mind of her own.” Pshhh. Women. THINKING. How ridiculous, am I right, Duncan? Man-At-Arms proceeds to prove negative stereotypes about seniors as well, however, when he allows Orko to help in the repairs. Tasked with getting a specific part, Orko just grabs a ton of them. In a panic because he didn’t know which was the right one, he throws them all into the open panel on the transmitter, along with his bizarre magic wand, surely fucking something up.
Yep, everything explodes. Prince Adam laughs when he finds Orko’s wand in there, but Man-At-Arms is P-I-S-S-E-D! It’s almost more Man-At-Arms’ fault than Orko’s in my opinion. He really should have seen that coming a mile away. Man-At-Arms has to build a whole new transmitter from scratch, and until then, all of their radio equipment is useless. Prince Adam is eager to help. In what I’m starting to suspect is a series of unfortunate coincidences, Man-Arm-Arms tells Prince Adam that their shipment of “pure rainbow quartz”, which was due to arrive yesterday, isn’t there. How coincidentally unfortunate. Luckily, there is only one very dangerous place on Eternia that Prince Adam can go to get it. Guess where it’s located? Yeah, a cavern in Snake Mountain. A cavern in Snake Mountain is home to pure rainbow quartz. Go figure.
Out on her little field trip adventure, Teela is nearly getting the kids eaten by strange plant life when the boys fuck around with some “guardian mushrooms”, which fuck with the boys back, while the girl reaches out to touch a carnivorous flower. A bunch of tongues shoot out of the flower, sliming themselves around her body, nearly pulling her in to be dissolved in the sticky, acidic insides of the plant. Teela pulls her to safety, barely. Saving your charter from peril does not mean you are a good chaperone, in fact, it means you are a bad one because you let them get into danger in the first place. Teela acts like they should have known these plants were dangerous, even though she has only pointed out their danger after said perilous incidents.
Elsewhere, Prince Adam and Cringer are cruising along in a wind raider, hitting a bit of a rough patch. Cringer is fretting about having to go to Snake Mountain to get the rainbow quartz. Prince Adam teases Cringer that the air is always that rough this close to Snake Mountain, then does a loop-the-loop. Prince Adam really is cruel to that cat, so it’s not surprising when Cringer tries to claw his eyes out so that he can crash them both and just end it all. Prince Adam breaks free just in time to save his sight, as well as catch a glimpse of Snake Mountain. Prince Adam assures Cringer that they’ll just be in and out, and Skeletor will never know. Obviously, that’s not going to happen, and also Prince Adam should have turned into He-Man before he headed off to Snake Mountain.
Back on the field trip, Teela has irresponsibly wandered off to find a good picnic spot while the proven-to-be-mischievous teens are left alone in the jet crawler. The cool boy with the coiffed hair dares the meeker boy to take the jet crawler for a joy ride. I’d like to point out that the meek boy made the right call by sitting in back with the high school hottie while the jockish guy sits alone in the drivers seat, too chicken to take the thing for a spin himself. The girl is not into the idea, and smartly, neither is the meek boy. High school chicks are not actually impressed by testosterone fueled, idiotic antics. But then, maybe they are because then she decides, rather suddenly, that it does sound like a cool idea, and double dares the meek boy to do it. Well, since a double dare is a legally binding coercive contract, he does.
Some distance away, Teela explores the edge of a cliff for an apparent picnic spot. She is just full of bad decisions this episode, isn’t she? This show really doesn’t think well of women, does it? It pretends to, but then they have an episode like this. Coincidentally, the peak she’s scoping gives a great birds eye view of the jet crawler as it takes off in the direction of Snake Mountain, which allows Teela to watch the whole thing in horror. What’s the first thing she tries to do? Radio for help. Unfortunately, communications – Thanks ORKO! – are still down at the Royal Palace. However, somebody hears her cries for help – Skeletor. He even says, “I hear you, dear Teela, I hear you”, and then does a creepy laugh before expositing a little about her obvious transmitter problems.
Skeletor denies Beast Man and Evil-Lyn their respective cracks at her, pointing out that she can’t call He-Man for help. Since Skeletor likes fish in a barrel, he claims her for his own, planning to threaten to sell her into sex slavery if he isn’t given the “secrets of Castle Grayskull”. Skeletor orders Evil-Lyn to use her mature, feminine wiles and lurid past with Teela to bring her in so Skeletor can make his demands. “With pleasure”, she says. Skeletor practically slaps Evil-Lyn’s ass on her way out. Beast Man gets knocked out by some falling object because Snake Mountain seems to be falling apart.
Down stairs, still in his Prince Adam form, Prince Adam looks for an “unguarded entrance” with which to, well, enter Snake Mountain. Prince Adam finds what looks like a stone carving of a small dragon and decides that’s a way in and begins pushing on it. Just as I suspected, it’s actually a living creature with rock-like camouflage, and it’s none too pleased to have Prince Adam and Cringer pushing on it. It turns out to just be a harmless – though large – lizard, which scrambles off up the mountainside.
Not too far away, the wayward teens realize that they are joy riding right toward Snake Mountain. Skeletor spots them on his table monitor. The meek boy tries to turn around, but realizes they are being pulled toward Snake Mountain, like a magnet. Indeed, they get sucked right inside, a jaggedly toothed, jaw-like door snapping shut behind them. Inside, Prince Adam sees a bubbling body of water and figures that it’s a spring that leads into Snake Mountain. First of all, this is already the most ridiculous, fatally idiotic logic ever, but secondly, convincing a giant cat that voluntarily points out that he can’t swim to come with you is just a death wish. Nonetheless, in they go.
Of course, Mer-Man spies them as they swim by and tails them. Luckily, Prince Adam and cringer come up inside a cavern before they drown. Not so luckily, Mer-Man comes up right behind them. Prince Adam and Cringer takes off while Mer-Man slips a bit, giving them the edge. They duck around a corner causing Mer-Man to take off past them. NOW Prince Adam decides to recycle some animation and turn into He-Man because there is no way that Mer-man or anyone else will realize that Prince Adam was just running around and now He-Man is, still with a giant green and orange tiger. He-Man immediately locates and incapacitates Mer-Man. It seems pretty stupid not to kill Mer-Man now, because he should easily understand that he was JUST chasing Prince Adam, then got trounced by He-Man.
Elsewhere in Snake Mountain, Evil-Lyn is leading Teela on a leash, having so easily seduced and captured her that we didn’t even get to see it happen. Like I said, Teela is full of bad decisions this episode. The teens pop out from behind a rock and comment that since Teela has been captured, they are totally fucked. Wait, so Skeletor reigned the jet crawler in to capture it and doesn’t have any one waiting to apprehend it’s occupants? Even worse, they are disregarded long enough to start wandering around? The teens decide they need to flee for their lives only to be attacked by one of those supposedly extinct pterodactyls we’ve encountered on several occasions. They simply duck and the thing flies away. They spy a hole in the exterior and decide to try and escape through there.
In Skeletor’s war room, Mer-Man has presented himself to be brow-beaten for not capturing He-Man – whom Skeletor didn’t even know was present – and also fails to mention that he was chasing Prince Adam only moments before He-Man easily took him out. Instead of punishing him, Skeletor just tells Mer-Man to go after the teens. Beast Man volunteers himself to go after He-Man, which gives Skeletor the opportunity to rip on him. All this is just so Beast Man can rip off Rodney Dangerfield and say, “I get no respect”, and kick the ground. Skeletor tries to figure out why He-Man shows up since, without radio contact, he couldn’t have known Teela was there.
Deep in Snake Mountain, He-Man wanders around talking out loud about how he’s trying to find the rainbow quartz. Skeletor has already caught up with He-Man and over hears him. Skeletor simply steps forward and says, “If you needed rainbow quartz, why didn’t you just ask?” He-Man’s response is to state that he comes in peace, and if he is allowed to leave and return safely, his people will be grateful. He-Man speaks to Skeletor as if he’s the leader of a primitive and violent tribe, whom he is encountering for the first time. Skeletor offers to give He-Man the rainbow quartz on one condition; that He-Man leave immediately. That’s it? Skeletor’s demand for the rainbow quartz is simply for He-Man’s expeditious departure? Skeletor’s cover is blown when Evil-Lyn gets on the intercom and announces that prisoner Teela has escaped. Well, shit. Now He-Man isn’t going anywhere.
Now it’s on. Skeletor orders Mer-Man and Beast Man to recapture Teela, so He-Man blows past Skeletor to try and get to Teela first. Inside Snake Mountain, the teens hang perilously from a branch that is about to break as they try to climb out the hole they spotted in the wall. Luckily, Teela happens by before they all fall to their death. She tosses a weighted rope around the branch so that it wraps around a few times, allowing the teens to slide down to safety. As soon as they land, Trap Jaw shows up to give them shit. Teela demands that he stand aside, so he does. In bad decision number two-billion, Teela charges ahead into the tunnel Trap Jaw has stopped impeding, which immediately leads her and the teens right down a chute and into a cage. Good one.
He-Man decides maybe they can get Teela and the teens to find them, so He-Man directs Battle Cat to roar as loud as he can. He does, and it shakes the walls of Snake Mountain. Teela and the teens are being hauled off in their cage by Trap Jaw on an ATV and hear it. Not really caring that it’s Battle Cat, but realizing it means He-Man is there, they start shouting for him as loud as he can. He-Man quickly finds them and surfs on the back of Battle Cat as he runs up alongside Trap Jaw. He-Man jumps aboard and breaks the throttle on the ATV then cuts it’s tie to the cage. The ATV goes careening perilously down a cavern tunnel at a high rate of speed, bouncing off the walls.
He-Man tears open the cage, freeing Teela and the teens. Teela flirts, “What are you doing here?” He-Man shuts her down, “I could ask you the same question.” This effectively shuts her up. They run off trying to find the exit, but end up running into Skeletor’s launching pad, what ever that means. Anyway, the place is riddled with rainbow quartz, which Skeletor happens to be standing on top of. “You should have taken my first offer!”, Skeletor mocks. “But then you’d have Teela”, retorts He-Man. “Now I’ll have both!”, Skeletor boasts. Wasn’t his plan to trade Teela for the secrets of Castle Graykull anyway? Why hasn’t he attempted to do that?
Evil-Lyn shows up and freezes Teela. Skeletor shakes his fists in the air and shouts, “Teela will not leave Snake Mountain!” Skeletor is really, really insistent on keeping Teela here, but I don’t know if its for him or Evil-Lyn. He doesn’t even care about the teens or He-Man. He orders Mer-Man, Trap Jaw, Beast Man and Tri-Klops to eject He-Man and the teens from Snake Mountain so He and Evil-Lyn can be alone with Teela. Oh, I think I get it. This is some kind of orgy thing. He-Man rips up a big oil drum and dumps it all over the place, sending the goons slipping and sliding. Skeletor treats us to a repeat animation of his fist shaking over the ordeal.
For some reason, Evil-Lyn is continuously blasting Teela with an ice spell. I guess it will wear off if she stops? He-Man steps in her way and deflects the blast back to Teela, freezing her. Too impatient to wait for Teela to unfreeze, He-Man punches her free. She looks like she just had the best orgasm of her life. Maybe she was coming around to the idea of a threesome with Skeletor and Evil-Lyn after all. Teela: Turbo Slut. He-Man gets everyone loaded up in a vehicle then peels open the exit. Teela struggles to start the vehicle while He-Man stops the recovered goons from getting to her. Somehow, his efforts result in all of the bad guys standing on each other’s shoulders with He-Man at their base. This is pretty much all just so He-Man can make a lame quip about joining the circus.
Still unable to do something right this episode, Teela is unable to get the vehicle started. He-Man riskily pushes the glider out of the hanger, and I guess it kind of works like pushing a manual vehicle down a hill and popping the clutch, because once it starts falling, she is able to get the engines going and fly the thing. Skeletor is REALLY pissed that he lost possession of Teela, implying that he is always thwarted when he tries to abduct her, as if this is something he does a lot. She takes off to get the teens to safety while He-Man snaps off a piece of rainbow quartz. I guess he gets out of there without further incident because we just cut back to the palace for the episode wrap up.
At the palace, the meek boy is in the middle of apologizing to Teela for taking the dare. He was afraid the high school hottie would wind up fucking the coiffed jock instead if the didn’t. The coiffed jock actually takes some responsibility, but only because he’s seen what a committed slut Teela is, he’s pretty sure he can score with her like some of those other high school students you hear about that fuck their hot female teachers. I had a really hot twenty four year old Spanish teach in high school. Why couldn’t she have been one of those? Teela neither scolds the kids, nor apologizes to them for all of this really being her fault for being such a shitty field trip leader.
Instead, Teela gives thanks for all of them being safe and gives proper credit to He-Man for saving them all. Prince Adam suspiciously accepts her gratitude on He-Man’s behalf as Man-At-Arms finishes the new high frequency transmitter. Orko zips over to check it out and very, very narrowly avoids a repeat performance. I’m surprised the new animation got wasted on him just to spare the transmitter again. Man-At-Arms fires up the new transmitter. Prince Adam puts his arm around Man-At-Arms and compliments him. Man-At-Arms says, “I couldn’t have done it without He-Man”, and winks at Prince Adam. Prince Adam coyly says, “If I see him, I’ll tell him.” Then they both share a hearty laugh.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how even in the 80s, TV shows, even kid’s shows, tried really hard to devalue women and make them seem like air-headed cum dumpsters. This episode is a prime example. I make some seemingly sexist or misogynistic remarks sometimes, but truly I’m a feminist, just as much as I’m a gay rights advocate. I only make these jokes in sarcasm and to kind of hold a magnifying glass to the subtext of this show. And because, well, nothing should be off limits for comedy. Laughter is healing, and sometimes you have to laugh at the really horrible stuff to find the strength to face it and change it. Instead, Prince Adam comes on to tell is that dares – even double dares – are not legally binding contracts. Sure, you might be called a pussy of you refuse a dare, but so what. Never do anything as a dare.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 8
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At- Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, Tager
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Tri-Klops
Erika Scheimer: Cynda, Krill