“Cringer became the mighty Battle Cat, and I became THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE!” Fabulous secret powers. Sure, lets do another Widget episode, why not. The Superior Spider-Man is dating a little person, you know. We open on Teela, out cruising in a wind raider, about to test the new rocket blasters. Down below, Prince Adam kindly explains to his Widget friends that the new rocket booster runs on corodite, and that since they mine the stuff, they’ve been invited to see the demonstration. Hmmm. Maybe I should invite my butcher over to watch me eat a steak.
“Whee!” Teela shouts as she fires the rocket blaster and does some corkscrews. Man-At-Arms radios up, instructing her to take it up to five thousand feet. She does this, but will not heed his warning when she doesn’t level off, instead counting off as she intentionally climbs well past seven thousand feet. Man-At-Arms gets pretty pissed and tells her several, several times to knock it the fuck off and level the wind raider, which she completely ignores and continues doing what she’s doing. This is exactly how a toddler behaves, I know from experience. Teela finally complies and brings it in. I really thought she was going to pull an Icarus or something.
Back on the ground, Teela walks away from the camera toward Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms slowly, and for a significant distance, probably just so she can wag her ass at us. There’s really no other reason for this angle. Teela claims that the rocket blaster is so powerful that it just wanted to go higher and higher, then she giggles. Prince Adam asks how high the wind raider can go, but Man-At-Arms doesn’t know because the rocket performed better than he planned. Seems to me, since it’s an open top vehicle, it could only go as high as is physiologically safe for a person in their atmosphere. Teela is so keyed up from her flight that she takes the hands of the two Widgets to lead them off and do wicked, sexual things with them in order to continue her adrenaline high. Man-At-Arms wants to pop the hood on the wind raider and get some grease on his hands and invites Prince Adam to join him.
Seeing the perfect opportunity to ditch Duncan and weasel his way into Teela’s little sex party, Prince Adam declines the invitation, and tells Man-At-Arms he promised to help take the Widgets to the beach. On the beach, Teela plays ball with Squinch and his girlfriend, hoping to seduce the two of them. A short ways away, Prince Adam and his new male Widget friends stoke the phallic turrets of a sand castle, getting themselves nice and worked up in what is hands down the best GIF I’ve cut from the series yet. It’s so homoerotic and suggestive, it can’t be ignored. This is the whole reason I picked He-Man He-Man to write this blog about. Their moment is ruined when that icky, icky girl, Teela runs by, kicking up sand into their faces, only to be followed by Squinch, who manages to jump right into their castle, wrecking it. I don’t know, seems like a good spot to stop the sandcastle foreplay and get to the real thing to me.
Now that the foreplay has been interrupted, Prince Adam goes for the next best thing: food. Prince Adam and Teela talk about caring and feelings as they admiringly watch the Widgets set up the picnic paraphernalia. They sure are pent up, Teela and Prince Adam. I wonder why they keep cock-blocking each other when they could both use a good lay. Just as I’m wondering what the peril – aside from maybe an embarrassing STD – will be in this episode, we cut to Mer-Man and Trap Jaw, up to no good. They are in Mer-Man’s submarine, observing an innocent fishing boat. They plot to test Mer-Man’s new mechanical sea monsters on it. What the fuck does Mer-Man need a mechanical sea monster for? Doesn’t he have the ability to command marine life, or am I mixing that up with Beast Man and, um, beasts?
Trap Jaw watches on the periscope while, topside, the old fisherman hopefully ponders what kind of catch he’ll have today. He gets all excited when there’s a tug on his line, but his excitement quickly turns to a soiled tunic when a giant purple/pink sea monster rises up out of the water. One of the Widgets spots the sea monster from the shore as it takes bites out of the fishing boat. Everyone runs down to the beach to rubberneck, while Prince Adam barely conceals himself behind a sand dune and recycles some animation. He-Man emerges and swims out to the fishing boat where there are now two mechanical sea monsters. When He-Man reaches them, he says, with a look on his face like somebody farted, “It’s a robut”. Yeah, he says “robut”. I remember him pronouncing it that way in a previous episode as well, the one with the thousand-year-old “robuts”.
I guess the fart-grimace expression attracts the robut sea monsters, because one of them tries to attack He-Man, leaning down to bite his grimacing face off. He-Man sinks below the water, then, when the robut’s face is lowered to the water, pops back out and punches it’s head off. Then the same animation repeats when he does it with the second one. The ship suddenly sinks, and, like a rock, so does the old man, right along with it. He-Man goes after him like a torpedo and pulls him back up to safety. Somewhere beneath them, Mer-Man mutters, “He-Man is always ruining my action!” I beg to differ; in this case at least, it is Mer-Man that is ruining He-Man’s action.
On the beach, Teela is tending to the old fisherman, asking where Prince Adam is. Right on cue, Prince Adam wanders out from some sand dunes, saying, “Oh, here I am”. Teela asks if anyone knows who the guy is, as if the damn planet is so small that every one should know every one. Not surprisingly, nobody knows who he is, and he doesn’t seem to be volunteering the information. Beneath the sea, Mer-Man and Trap Jaw trade exposition that leads us further into this episode’s conflict: Mer-Man’s solution is to build his mechanical sea monsters out of stronger materials, so Trap Jaw suggests he use corodite. Of course, the only way for Mer-Man to get some is to take it from the Widgets. Well, isn’t that a coincidence.
Back up on the beach, the old fisherman is shitting all over He-Man, criticizing him for not saving his fishing pole or his fishing boat. Teela is getting visibly pissed and suggests that he should be thankful that He-Man saved his life. As if they pulled him from frigid ice waters, Prince Adam suggests that he needs to calm down and recover, but the guy is fired up. He tries to get up, but Teela shoves him back down and demands to know who he is. The old man finally reveals that his name is Jacob, and he lived alone on the boat and liked it that way. So of course, they all decide to force themselves into his life because they think nobody could possibly want to be alone.
One of the Widgets, Biro, wanders off to take a leak or (maybe jerk off) behind a sand dune to relieve the unrequited sexual tension of building sandcastles with Prince Adam, when Mer-Man jumps and out snatches him up. He tells Biro to be quiet and demands to be given corodite, as if the punk has it on him or something. Oh, and he needs enough to make at least two mechanical sea monsters. Mer-Man agrees to settle for being told where it is, to which Biro replies, “It’s hidden in the woods, but I’ll never tell you where”, which is enough for Mer-Man to figure it out it’s in their fucking castle. Fucking dip shit. Mer-Man tells the Widget if he tells anybody this happened, he’ll murder his whole family.
For some reason, the Widgets are trying to appease Jacob now and are attempting to carry him on a sedan chair, which just seems ridiculous. I guess they made it all the way back to the Widget fortress like that, because, after a screen wipe, Jacob is tucked into bed while the widgets force hot soup on him. Out of hermit pride, he pretends to refuse their hospitality while, in fact, he slurps up their soup. Under the sea, which is apparently not too far from the Widget castle, Mer-Man sends a remote drill head into the under-sea rock. It’s programmed to come up into the corodite mines, flooding them, which will afford him the perfect opportunity to steal as much as he wants, all so he can build his useless mechanical sea monsters.
Biro, the Widget that gave away the location of the corodite, is leading one of his brethren, Kando, through the mines, nervously wanting to check on the corodite. His companion doesn’t get what is so urgent about checking on the mineral. He opens the sealed door to a special cell in which they keep what is apparently only a very small stash of corodite and starts to say everything is fine until he sees that the room is quickly flooding with water. Out in the courtyard, Jacob is trying to leave when one of the Widgets gives him a fishing pole he found a long time ago. Jacob is just starting to let his guard down when a Widget sounds an alert about the mines flooding and calls a meeting. Before any such meeting can take place, Mer-Man emerges from the mines and says that unless they give him all the corodite, he will completely flood the mines.
At the Royal Palace, in Man-At-Arms’ lab, Prince Adam wanders in and asks about Teela’s whereabouts. Man-At-Arms informs him that she’s gone to the Widget castle. Probably to “check up” on Jacob, the old hermit, Prince Adam reckons. Prince Adam and I both know that she’s going to finish what she started on the beach with Quinch and his girlfriend. Out at the Widget castle, Mer-Man is grilling everyone about where the corodite is. Jacob insults Mer-Man but the widgets protect him and tell Jacob to run. Teela shows up and as Mer-Man dashes at her, she ducks, tripping him over her. Jacob runs up to the rampart and snags Mer-Man with his new fishing pole. “Caught like a fish”, Mer-Man cries. “You are a fish”, comes Teela’s reply. Jacob drags Mer-Man away, giving Teela enough distance to throw her bolo and incapacitate Mer-Man.
Teela demands to know what happened, so they all babble at once, until she singles out Kando, who tells her that Mer-Man flooded the mines just as Biro was insisting they check on the corodite. Then they realize that Biro must still be in the mines, so Teela runs off to rescue him. Even though he’s captured, Mer-Man points out he still has the leverage of the caves flooding, and demands to be given some corodite. Teela comes out of the mines with the rescued Biro, who proclaims that the corodite is safe. Mer-Man quits fucking around and breaks his binds, easily and unnoticed, so he can go after the corodite, as he now kind of knows where it is kept. Knowing that they can’t follow him in the flooded mines, he sneaks off back into them. I don’t know why he didn’t just wait for them to flood out completely and then go in and get the corodite in the first place. Why the confrontation?
Back at the Royal Palace, Prince Adam and Cringer are out on one of the palace’s many verandas, admiring the sunset. This ends up being convenient, because the He-Man signal that only the Widgets have explodes in the sky, alerting Prince Adam of trouble at the Widget castle. Prince Adam wastes no time and recycles his animation right out there on the terrace. Just as the Widgets are fretting that He-Man may not have seen their flare, he comes riding into the fortress atop Battle Cat. Teela fills him in on the sitch and he heads into the mines where he finds Mer-Man in possession of stolen corodite. They have the most minor of tussles underwater as He-Man wrestles away the corodite, then He-Man shoves Mer-Man with his foot. I guess Mer-Man decides to just take off, because he heads right back out the tunnel he made and all the way back out to sea.
Back in the fortress courtyard, the Widgets all jump for joy as He-Man shows them the recovered corodite growth. I’m assuming a little bit of this stuff goes a long way, because they sure don’t seem to have much of it. One of the Widgets has the nerve to ask if He-Man will save their fort from the flooding. He will, of course, but you won’t believe how ridiculous his plan is. “Well, the tide is rising”, he says. He looks up, then says, “The moon controls the tide, so I guess I’ll have to control the moon”. That’s right, he’s going to fuck with the gravitational pull of the moon to alter the tides so he can stop the flooding. “I’m Atomic Man, I’m the moon that pulls the tides that take the sand…”
He-Man uses his golden cuff to radio to Man-At-Arms to ready the wind raider and the new rocket blaster. I guess He-Man is going to test both the altitude limits of the wind raider and the Eternian physique. He rides Battle Cat really, really fast back to the Royal Palace where Man-At-Arms warns him about the unknown altitudinal abilities of the wind raider – but not those of his flesh and blood body. He-Man takes that puppy right up into space where he stands on the hood and pushes Eternia’s moon off to oblivion, just to save the Widgets fortress. Do you realize what you’ve done?! He-Man just fucked the whole planet! Even if he simply shoved it backwards on its orbital path, he’s sure to have caused unprecedented damage to the planet. Oh, and apparently he can breath in space.
According to plan, at least, the waters flooding the caverns do recede. So far, in fact, that the exterior hole Mer-Man made in the underwater sea rock – in an area deep enough to drive a submarine – is now completely exposed, the flood waters pouring out of it. Now He-Man just has to make it back in time to seal up the mines before the tide rises again, which he does with a quick swoop of the wind raider and a few blasts from the wind raider’s laser canons. “Better plug that hole”, he says. He was hoping to have said this to a Widget, back when they were still on the beach. Though, I’m not sure he waited for all the water to drain out of the mines, so they could still be fairly flooded, actually.
Then, when I least expected to be surprised, he goes back up into space and shoves the moon back to where it should be. I would like to point out that the ocean receded so far due to the “tidal” change He-Man caused, that, even for a short period of time, he surely caused catastrophic damages elsewhere on Eternia. You know all the horrific flooding and hurricanes we’ve been seeing globally lately? Yeah, He-Man’s fault. Back in the courtyard, Jacob has changed his attitude toward He-Man and thanks He-Man for saving him earlier. Awkwardly, Jacob announces that he will just be along his way now, but he’s clearly “fishing” for an invitation to come and live with the Widgets and drink their hot soup for free, maybe have intercourse with a little person.
Accordingly, they all start prying. “Where will you go?” Teela asks. “You have no family?” inquire the Widgets. “Why are you a hermit?” He-Man wants to know. Jacob obliges them all: Where ever I want; No, my family is dead; Because I don’t trust people – they’re foolish. Then he realizes that he’s been foolish too, because the Widgets have reminded him that people can also be kind. Right on queue, Squinch invites him to live with them. Jacob tries to protest, but then Kando calls another meeting, which actually gets carried out this time. The Widgets huddle and when they emerge, they announce that, not only do they want Jacob to stay, they want him to be their mayor. What?! Based on what qualifications, exactly?? He-Man should have let this place flood if this is how they govern themselves. Offered mayoral power over a bunch of trusting Widgets in exchange for nothing, Jacob agrees to stay. As the episode ends, we pan out to space for a view of the cracked-looking Eternian moon, just to prove it’s back where it should be.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how you should never have an orgy of any kind on the beach. There is just too much risk of sand intrusion in some very, very uncomfortable places. Also, it should be about the assured global catastrophe and death that would result from fucking with the moon’s orbit of a tidal planet, if even just for a few minutes. Instead, Teela comes on to tell us that sometimes old people try to crawl off and die alone because they think they’re not needed anymore, but if you annoy the shit out of them, you might be able to prolong their suffering. Then she tells us to hug our moms and dads.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 11
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Squinch, Jacob
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Man-At-Arms, Mer-Man, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Lara
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Kando, Biro