Anything with a title that begins with “The Littlest” just makes me want to gag. It’s cheap and sappy, like a story about a puppy dog trying to cross the freeway. I’m the guy that wants the dog to get hit, just for being in such a cheap, ambitionless piece of shit. We open, not with a puppy on a freeway, but with a brisk wind blowing Kando and Squinch right off the ramparts of Widget castle. Seriously, Kando gets caught up in a rope and is flying like a kite, it’s so windy. Kando, isn’t small either, at least not for a Widget. I’m kind of surprised to see the Widgets back so quickly since the last episode was all about them, and the more I type the word “Widget”, the more I wonder if Widget is to the word midget as “wigger” is to… Well, all I’m saying is little people don’t like to be called midget, and changing the word to Widget is a thinly veiled disguise.
Squinch and his girlfriend Lara barely manage to haul Kando in. With Kando back on the ground, Squinch complains that if he were bigger he could have done it all by himself. Rather than point out that Kando should probably be smaller, Lara jealously snaps at Squinch, pointing out that he is, in fact, small and tells him to deal with it. Suddenly a tree falls in front of the door to the castle. They must have another entrance and exit, because, later, Lara and Kando are up on the rampart, watching Squinch out front as he vainly chops away at the very large tree with his very tiny axe.
Squinch endures all kinds of insults as he stubbornly continues his endeavors. He only stops to suggest that if he were big like He-Man, he’d be a hero, and also because the handle comes out of the axe. Kando insults Squinch some more as he fires off the He-Man signal. Damn, they’ll really just use that signal for any damn thing won’t they? Prince Adam is on his way back to the palace from somewhere when he sees the signal. He sighs in disappointment at his interrupted journey, which was probably going to end with a sandwich in the Royal Kitchen, and recycles some animation. Then, he and Battle Cat are off to castle Widget.
When they arrive, they find Squinch nearly in tears because he failed to single-handedly hack through this very large tree with his very tiny axe. As Squinch sobs, Kando and Lara swoon over He-Man from up above. Kando implies they can’t get out until “someone” moves the tree, which sounds like a job for their homeowner’s insurance, not He-Man. Also, I’m damn sure they were outside when the tree fell, and if they weren’t, Squinch sure got back out there somehow. Anyway, He-Man obliges and tosses the tree aside. When he’s done, he dusts his hands off as Orko, Kando, and Lara all swoon over him, but not Squinch. Squinch is jealous as all fuck and makes some insulting remarks about He-Man.
Having had enough, Squinch picks up his horned hat on his way out the door. He pauses, looking back deviously. “Orko’s magic may not be able to make me big, but I bet I know someone who can…” he says. Even before the screen wipe to Snake Mountain, I knew he was talking about Skeletor. Sitting on his throne, Skeletor says, “What have we here”, as Beast Man and Evil-Lyn drag Squinch before him. Evil-Lyn seems to think that Squinch is brave for showing up at Snake Mountain all by himself, but Beast Man isn’t impressed. Squinch nerverously asks Skeletor if he will, please, use his magic to make him big. Obviously, Skeletor wants to know what’s in it for him. Squinch offers up all he has, which looks like three dog biscuits he pulls from his pocket. Skeletor is, of course, offended and orders Squinch to be hauled off to the dungeon.
Before Beast Man drags Squinch away to rot in the bowels of Snake Mountain, Evil-Lyn whispers something to Skeletor in secret. Skeletor stops Beast Man so that Evil-Lyn can present Squinch with a “gift” for He-Man. She conjures a small gold box and hands it to him. He tries to peek inside, revealing a green light, but Evil-Lyn snaps the box shut, saying only He-Man can open it. Evil-Lyn tells him that Skeletor was only joking about the dungeon, and that if he gives this present to He-Man – whom she claims to adore – she will grant Squinch’s wish and make him big. He-Man will really like what’s inside, she says, but it’s a surprise, so Squinch is not to tell anyone who gave him the little box. Squinch runs off skipping and singing about how he’s going to be big while Skeletor and Evil-Lyn share a nasty laugh.
Squinch races back home and puts the present for He-Man outside the castle door. Then, for the second time this episode, Squinch fires off the He-Man signal. Prince Adam is roused from bed by the signal, and stands at his window in his sleeping tunic wishing he were sleeping. “Fuck that shit”, says cringer. Prince Adam presses the controls on his bookshelf, which slides aside revealing the power sword. He was wearing his PJs when he picked up the sword, but I guess he changed clothes before he recycled his animation, because he’s wearing his regular pink collared shirt when he does it.
He-Man arrives out front of Widget castle, and Squinch can’t wait to talk to him. Kando comments on how strange this is because earlier, Squinch wanted to piss in He-Man’s gouged-out eye sockets. Squinch gives He-Man his “gift” and dodges any questions about what’s in it. Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are watching from nearby, giggling, “Yes, open it He-Man”. He-Man opens it and as a green fog spews out, he says, “It’s magic”, which is not to say that he likes it. “Evil-Lyn said you’d like it”, comes Squinch’s idiotic, defensive reply. She has the word “evil” in her name, for fucks sake, what did you think was going to happen?
Evil-Lyn steps forward with Skeletor and Beast Man. “In thirty seconds, you’ll be ours”, she cackles. He-Man crouches deep into the magic gas so he can really get covered in it, while Battle Cat also sees fit to remain in its cloud. You mean he’s got thirty whole seconds to move out of the way of this gas, and he just sits down in it like I do in the shower on a cold, wintry Monday morning? Battle Cat and He-Man converse about how sleepy they’re getting. They talk about doing something about it, but Skeletor assures He-Man that he is no match. “I am while I’m awake!” shouts He-Man. He-Man dodges a blast from Skeletor, which incidentally knocks over a tree. “You shouldn’t do that to a living tree”, He-Man says drowsily. Battle Cat announces his departure from consciousness and drops to the ground. He-Man follows suit pretty quickly.
Squinch cries out with guilt, but before he can do anything, Beast Man pulls around with their aircraft and Skeletor and Evil-Lyn load up their captives. “Keep your promise and make me big, and I’ll take on all of you” Squinch shouts, which shaking his fists. “Never”, replies Skeletor as they take off. Well, duh, Squinch. Back at Snake Mountain, He-Man is spooning with Battle Cat while Evil-Lyn and Beast Man anxiously wait for the sleep magic to wear off. “Where are we?” He-Man wants to know. Before he can ask, “What happened, did we…?”, Skeletor activates a force cage around them. Skeletor announces his intention to go kidnap King Randor in order to take his place. Before they leave, Evil-Lyn uses her magic to seal He-Man in stone, in addition to the force cage. Kindly, she wishes him luck escaping before they go.
At the Royal Palace, Kando and Lara come running in and breathlessly tell Man-At-Arms that Skeletor has captured He-Man. They blather through the entire story and, respectably, Squinch owns up to all of this being his fault. Squinch earnestly admits that he wanted to be big like He-Man, so he went to Evil-Lyn so she could use her magic on him. Teela and Orko have a reaction like, “Aw, you sweet, silly moron. Everybody knows she’s evil”. Then they sort of belittle his reckless desire to be big, which I think was the catalyst in this scenario in the first place. It goes so far as to Lara patronizingly smooching Squinch’s cheek, leaving a big red lipstick print on it.
Squinch continues being bitter until Orko says, “Well, what’s so great about being big? I’m going to rescue He-Man just the way I am!” As a result of Orko’s statement, Squinch’s self confidence goes from 0 to 60 faster than a Ferari concept car only God can afford. Man-At-Arms readies the royal guard for Skeletor’s arrival (I’m not clear how they knew about Skeletor’s plan to attack) while Skeletor surveys the Royal Palace from a nearby bluff. Over at Snake Mountain, Teela is leading Orko into a “secret” entrance. I put secret in quotes because Evil-Lyn is right there to receive them, so it must not be so secret. She uses her magic and wraps them very tightly in some ropes, which, despite Orko’s presence, stirs my pants a bit.
At the Royal Palace, Man-At-Arms, two Royal Guardsman, Kando, and Lara are having a Mexican standoff with Skeletor, Panthor and Beast Man. Panthor roars and one of the Royal Guardsman totally turns tail and runs, the pussy. Skeletor rewards his bravery by freezing him. Even with He-Man captured, it seemed like a pretty bad plan for Skeletor to attempt to capture King Randor with only the three of them. That is, until I saw the caliber of the Royal Guardsman. ‘Dis gon’ be easy. Beast Man easily picks up Lara, much to her protest. Nobly, Man-At-Arms and Kando threaten to attack in order to defend the lady, but Skeletor freezes them before they can even take one step.
Back at Snake Mountain, somehow Squinch avoided capture, but probably not for long. Evil-Lyn levels her staff at him, hissing, “Well, you wanted me to use my magic on you!” Apparently Squinch as changed his mind. Evil-Lyn blasts at him, but he dodges and the blast blows a hole in the rocks encasing the energy-cage, which contains He-Man. Teela, still tied up to Orko, points out that Squinch could fit through that hole and rescue He-Man (except that he’s still in the energy cage. Evil-Lyn decides now is a good time to grant Squinch his wish, so she turns him in to a big butterball. Squinch orders Orko to make him small again, and much to my surprise, he does so successfully.
Squinch scrambles through the hole to the other side where He-Man is being held captive and finds him inside the energy-cage. Luckily, the switch is in there with them, so Squinch just turns it off. Evil-Lyn is about to unleash a can of whoop-ass on Teela when He-Man comes crashing through the wall. Evil-Lyn opens a portal to escape and join Skeletor at the Royal Palace while He-Man frees Teela and Orko. Before Evil-Lyn can slip through to the other side, He-Man sics Battle Cat on her, and he tackles her just before she escapes. He-Man, Teela, Orko, Squinch and Cringer all escape through the portal instead as Evil-Lyn, humiliated, watches on all fours from the ground.
Back at the Royal Palace, Skeletor has easily captured King Randor, who stands in chains before him as Skeletor sits on the throne. Skeletor is demanding that King Randor bow to him, but he resists. He-Man and crew come tumbling out of a cabinet in the Royal Kitchen. As they lay in a confused pile for a moment, Teela sneaks her arm around He-Man before he fully regains his senses. Just as He-Man is pulling away from Teela, saying they should go find Skeletor, Skeletor shows up. I guess he got hungry from trying to get King Randor to swear fealty, because otherwise, it doesn’t make any sense that he just suddenly showed up in the kitchen at the same time as He-Man.
He-Man jumps up into the rafters, but Panthor easily pursues him up there. Panthor tries to cuddle with He-Man, but it’s just not the same as Battle Cat, so, He-Man lifts Panthor over his head and kicks out a roof truss. A section of the roof caves in, the pieces of which happen to fall into the form of a perfect box, right around Skeletor and Beast Man. Teela slashes open a seemingly bottomless bag of flour, which fills up the box. He-Man tosses Panthor in and the villains all stand there while the box fills up. He-Man takes the opportunity to get some water to add to the mix, turning it into a bad-guy paste. They’re not done yet; Orko uses his magic to bake the flower and water, and even though there was no yeast (I’ll chalk it up to magic), it turns into a giant loaf of bad-guy bread.
He-Man picks up the loaf and Skeletor promises to make He-Man pay for this and every other defeat. He-Man says, “You keep saying that, Skeletor, but when are you going to lean that evil never pays?” Then he throws the villain-raisin loaf right out of the opening in the roof, and it sails all the way back to Snake Mountain. When it lands, it bursts open leaving the evildoers covered in goopy, undercooked bread.
Back at the Royal Palace, Lara is getting a little juicy as she realizes that Squinch really did rescue He-Man. “Yeah, and it’s all because I’m little too. Maybe I’m not the wrong size after all.” He-Man spews some crap about how it’s not about how big you are on the outside, and on the inside, Squinch is a real giant. Even though he willingly went to Skeletor and willingly betrayed He-Man. Orko uses a backlight to cast a large shadow over them, giving them a start. Busting his gut at his own joke, Orko asks if he’s a giant. He-Man replies, “You’re not a giant, Orko, you’re just a big clown.” Fucking clown shoes.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how even though I hate anything titled starting with “The Littlest”, if an episode is called “The Littlest Giant”, it should be about a giant – at least a small one, if not the littlest – not a race of people named Midgets. Oh, excuse me, that “M” is upside down, they’re called Widgets, not Midgets. If anything else, the moral should be about how you shouldn’t take an offensive name for a group of people and change one letter in order to continue using the word. Predictably, Squinch comes on to tell us that, just like He-Man already said, it’s not about how big you are, but what you’re like on the inside.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 11
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Squinch, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, Lara
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Kando, Royal Guard