I wonder if this will be another confusing combination pro and anti hunting episode? We open on an emergency at the palace. Dramatic music plays as Prince Adam, Teela, and Man-At-Arms go running through the empty throne room. As they run, they dialog ambiguously about the king being in a dangerous position, and I get the feeling that I’m being played, and the King is just involved in a game of skill of some kind, and the stakes are high. I’m proven right when Prince Adam mocks Orko’s concern by calling him silly and revealing that King Randor is losing at chess to Lord Todd.
Except that it’s not Lord Todd. Well, it is, but only because the creators are trying to pass this off as a new character. He looks exactly like the Keeper in Season 1 Episode 65, which was only a few episodes ago, but I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to be that character. Like, this isn’t a trick he’s playing. Before King Randor can lose the chess game, Orko fucks the whole thing up with his magic, so the game is ruined. Lord Todd is pretty nonchalant about it and politely says they were evenly matched. Me, I would have accused him of planning the whole thing to avoid defeat and then pissed all over the chess set.
Even more obnoxious than his good nature is that Lord Todd starts doing magic tricks too; he pulls an apple from under a handkerchief and gives it to Orko, and a steak from Cringer’s ear. Finally, he smiles like a big perv and gives Teela a pendant with a gigantic jewel in it, which I’m pretty sure just legally betrothed her to him. To King Randor, he gives a jeweled chess set so he can practice before their next game. Prince Adam looks highly suspicious of all of this, starting with the jewel given to Teela.
No sooner has King Randor thanked Lord Todd and offered anything he can do in return, than Lord Todd speaks up and requests Teela’s company to his palace as he stares his pervy stare at her tits. See? I knew it! Teela looks a little conflicted about the whole thing, on account of her weakness for jewels. King Randor doesn’t even think about it, and despite Teela’s excuses of being needed for her duties, grants permission for her to go. Man-At-Arms doesn’t even protest, but rather stands there with his arms folded, complicit in the pimping of his daughter by King Randor.
Elsewhere, Orko and Cringer come upon what they believe to be an abandoned castle, where they intend to picnic with the apple and steak that Lord Todd produced for them, magically. I have to say, it really seems like a good idea, this picnic. Eating food conjured from nowhere by a strange man next to a decrepit, abandoned castle, what could go wrong? Suddenly there’s a great tremor and huge boulders fall from the castle. Orko refers to it as an “earth tremor”, which strikes me as kind of strange, since they’re on Eternia.
Suddenly the ground opens up and a dopey looking monster mole pops up and looks around. I half expected him to determine he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. The monster mole smells the steak that Cringer rescued from the avalanche and comes after it. When they bolt, Cringer drops it on the ground, and the monster mole eats it. For some reason that I can’t discern, Orko pulls Cringer’s ear really hard, then they fret about how the monster mole is heading right for the palace, which he will surely destroy, just like he did this abandoned castle and Cringer’s steak.
At the palace, Man-At-Arms is finally talking some sense into Teela about going with Lord Todd. Prince Adam chimes in, reminding her they don’t know anything about him. However, Teela is pretty gung-ho at this point. I mean, she’s really invested in this! I guess she’s really come around on the idea of getting stuffed by a pervy old man, as long as there’s jewels involved. Despite their protests, Teela takes off with Lord Todd. As soon as she leaves, the Sorceress telepathically summons Prince Adam to Castle Grayskull. Before he can even step foot in the direction of the castle, Cringer jumps on his head and he and Orko excitedly report the monster mole situation.
Well, now Prince Adam has a choice to make; go to Grayskull, or defeat a monster. Man-At-Arms decides to go see what the Sorceress wants while Prince Adam recycles some animation and turns into He-Man. Why the Sorceress couldn’t just tell Prince Adam what the problem is telepathically, I don’t know. I guess he doesn’t have the ability to call her back, or anything, either. I do know that it will inevitably be something that He-Man will have to deal with, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.
So, He-Man, Orko and Cringer just to wait out on the plains outside of the palace until the monster mole digs a path right past them, heading right for the palace, and fast. He-Man gets an idea, but it seems to me like he should have had just a little bit more of a plan before now. Just the ride out to the plains should have taken 20 minutes, that’s enough time to think of something, right? He-Man rips the gate off of a nearby fortification and tosses it in front of the mole mound that is proceeding toward the palace, in order to stop it. I figure there’s no way this will work, since we’ve already seen the monster mole go through stone walls, and because the gate really doesn’t go that far under ground, but it does work.
They quickly realize the monster mole is telepathic, and that he’s very, very blind. When the monster mole realizes who He-Man is, he begs forgiveness and covers his face in fear. He-Man promises not to beat Moar about the head and shoulders, but asks him why he demolished the old castle. Moar reveals he didn’t even know that’s what it was, and he didn’t know that he’s heading right for the Royal Palace, and he certainly doesn’t want to destroy that; this, all while the grate is stuck to his face. He nods his head around, looking stupid with a mouth that doesn’t move to his words, and explains this nice to talk to someone because most people are so blinded by fear that they can’t pick up his telepathetic projections.
Moar then shuffles off into the distance, acting all mopey, with the grate still on his face. He-Man calls after him and pulls the grate from his nose, then Moar continues on his way. Battle Cat steps up, and bitches about how Moar ate his steak, and he looks ugly and evil! He really says that, it’s quite uncalled for. He-Man chastises him and reminds Battle Cat that he looks pretty fucking scary, too. Then Battle Cat does this cheesy aside and says, “Who, me?”
We cut to Teela and Lord Todd on the way to his Chester Molester van, er, I mean trailer park, er, I mean, desert palace. Teela is pretty wowed by the whole thing, and she hasn’t even stepped foot in it yet. Ooh, I’ve been waiting to get back to this side plot. Or is it the main plot? I’m not sure. Lord Todd explains that he made all this possible with the Star Gate, but Teela doesn’t understand because the Star Gate movie hasn’t come out yet. Hell, MacGyver isn’t even on the air yet! Lord Todd assures her that she will understand, in time, which sounds super creepy. Teela really will do just about anything for some bling, won’t she?
Lord Todd takes her inside and through this labyrinth that he can reshape at will. The way he explains it is really creepy. Then he shows her the Star Gate, which looks like a giant vulva, outer and inner labia and everything. My mind is reeling with the implications here. The vulva is the gateway to the stars, to Heaven? That’s not a message that comes up too often on a show that is typically homoerotic. Lord Todd reveals that this Star Gate gives him power fueled by another dimension. This finally makes Teela suspicious because only the Sorceress has a magic vulva like that.
She asks Lord Todd who he really is, and he reveals that he’s a collector of unique game. So, wait, it is supposed to be the same guy? Why didn’t Prince Adam recognize him when he was playing chess with King Randor? He battled this guy only four episodes ago! It’s one thing not to have continuity on this show, but this just completely flouts it! Also, they don’t do any kind of background check on people that want to play chess with the king? Wait, I misheard him, he said he is a collector of “unique games”. He proves this when he tosses a little, black square down on the floor, which unfolds and turns into a giant chess set. Teela is back to being impressed rather than creeped out.
Also, this Lord Todd never really answered her question, and I’m back to not knowing if this guy is supposed to be the same character from Season 1 Episode 65 or not. Either way, he’s still identical to that guy. Since she’s clearly not creeped out enough, Lord Todd tells her that he’s been searching for the queen piece for his chess set, then he tells her she’s it. Teela tries to leave, but he locks the door on her, then says, “There is no way out. One way, or another, you shall be mine.” Yeah, now it’s getting pervy.
Strangely, peaceful music plays as we pan over Castle Grayskull. Inside, the message the Sorceress has to deliver is quite the opposite; there is an evil force centered over the old Castle Star. Man-At-Arms goes at once, because that’s where Teela is, and the Socrecess resolves to go tell He-Man, which she probably could have done a while ago, telepathically.
Back at Castle Star, Lord Todd tells Teela that she best shut the fuck up and go along with this, and she does. She asks what the deal with the Star Gate is, because the inner labes just got bigger. He explains that when they become fully engorged, they will pass through to his home dimension, where she will become his queen. Teela has shown some Sapphic tendencies before, but, maybe because there is no continuity on this show, she resists entering the giant vagina. Instead, she makes her move and pulls Lord Todd’s cape over his face, sort of taking him hostage.
Man-At-Arms, having very quickly arrived, enters the Star Castle and immediately gets hung up in the labyrinth. Some of those robots that Skeletor uses come out and attack him. Man-At-Arms gets out his light saber, but they blast it quickly out of his hand and capture him. The captured Man-At-Arms is immediately revealed to Teela, and she bargains for his safe release in exchange for her company. Lord Todd agrees and has Teela seized by robots, but then doesn’t release Man-At-Arms. Man-At-Arms questions Lord Todd’s manhood, and Lord Todd reacts by revealing that he’s not a man at all. He pulls off his man-mask and reveals himself to be an ugly, green inter-dimensional monster.
The inner labia on the Star Gate vulva are nearly fully engourged, and Lord Todd assures them that there is no return from his dimension, because that pussy snaps closed very tightly. Just as it seems there is no hope, He-Man crashes in through the wall and starts taking out robots. Lord Todd absconds with Teela in the fracas, closing doors behind him. He-Man realizes the doors are made of Eternium, and it will take him too long to cut through them. Just when hope seems lost, Moar pops up through the floor. Man-At-Arms almost blasts his face off, but He-Man stays him. It would seem that he’s here by accident, which is awfully convenient, because He-Man can use him to dig under the doors.
In another room, the labia are fully engorged, and Lord Todd is preparing to pass through them with Teela. He-Man shows up just in time and smashes some more robots. Lord Todd is about to blast He-Man so he can capture him for a game piece when Teela dropkicks him. She probably didn’t need to bother saving He-Man in the first place, and to boot, it results in her getting sucked into the giant, sparkling labia. Lord Todd bids them all farewell and jumps into the love glove with Teela.
Inside the shockingly spacious vaginal canal, Teela resists Lord Todd. He-Man and Man-At-Arms jump in after her. As they run to escape, the pubococcygeal muscle is snapping shut, which will trap them all in this love tunnel forever. Then He-Man does something I never thought I’d see him do. He pries open and forcibly inserts himself into a vagina, holding it open for his friends. Once He-Man is back on the right side of vagina, which is to say outside, Teela observes that the necklace that Lord Todd gave her has turned to rust. Hmm. They should probably all have a shower, if this is what happens after entering the Star Gate’s vagina. Once outside Castle Star, it disappears and the Sorceress appears to them and confirms that things are returning to normal.
Back at the Royal Palace, Moar is crammed into the Royal Chamber. Apparently he’s been knighted, because King Randor refers to him as Sir Moar, The Good Hearted. King Randor proclaims that he should be known through out the land for his brave deeds, even though he did it all by accident, and only had to do what he normally does, which is dig tunnels. Also, every other tunnel he has dug has been a threat to all of them, intentional or not. Then Moar reveals his new glasses and there are some forced laughs.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how, only under the most dire of circumstances, will a gay man enter vagina, and he’s probably going to be rough with it and invite his friends. Instead, Teela and He-Man come on screen to tell us that Lord Todd wasn’t what he seemed (boy, wasn’t he!), and neither was Moar. The proceed to tell us, for probably then 27th time in this series, that you shouldn’t judge things by the way they look, except Teela, because she’s hot.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 0
Episodes Missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 1
Ah, I wondered how long it would be before Skeletor went missing!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Lord Todd
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Moar
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor
Erika Scheimer: Computer Voice