What is the rarest gift of all? Virginity? Maybe this episode will be about the first time Prince Adam gave up his tight, muscular booty. Let’s find out, shall we? We find Orko freaking out because he doesn’t know what to get the King and Queen for their anniversary. Cringer is trying to sleep and doesn’t give a shit. It’s pretty obvious this one’s not about virginity, because I’m sure the Queen has lost hers already. Unless she used a surrogate. Man, it must be pretty nice being Royalty and getting presents from other people for your anniversary. I mean, do people really do that? Give anniversary presents to other couples? Maybe for a 50th anniversary or something…
Orko goes into Man-At-Arms’ lab for something really special and winds up igniting a bunch of fireworks attached to a windmill. He gets entangled in this until he gets flung across the room, taking Man-At-Arms with him. They crash into a cabinet, which then falls over on them. A bunch of random, open beakers of fluid spill all over the floor, which promptly ignite, setting the whole fucking lab on fucking fire. Have I ever mentioned that I hate Orko? Fucking hate his guts. The fire looks like Orko drew it himself with crayon kit from a breakfast diner.
Man-At-Arms struggles unsuccessfully to pull Orko from under the cabinet. Cringer, surprisingly, stands in front of the fire for a while, then stands there some more as he talks to himself about knowing a hero that can help. He goes and finds Prince Adam so he can… go find the royal fire department. Cringer runs off to find these firefighters as Prince Adam calls after him that they don’t have a fire department. That seems short sighted. The only thing left to do is for Prince Adam to recycle some animation. I hope he tags Cringer with one of those homing-blasts from his sword and turns him in to Battle Cat in a manner even more against his will than usual. He deserves it.
He-Man comes running into the lab, leaping over fire. First he lifts the cabinet off of Orko, then quickly and easily blows out the fire. Man-At-Arms explains that Orko was “helping” with his fireworks display. Unbelievably, now free and with the fire out, Orko makes a move to touch the fireworks display again. Seriously, get the fuck out, Orko. Now. And, he does, in order to go fuck up what ever Teela is working on. Oh, now I get it. Since he can’t think of his own unnecessary gift for the King and Queen, he’s going to single handedly ruin everybody else’s so that nobody has anything to give them.
I’d like to point out that when Cringer found Prince Adam, his lazy ass was reading in the library – probably a Hardy Boys book – and not working on a gift. Orko finds Teela baking a cake for her special gift to the King and Queen. For some reason, Teela is whispering and shushing, saying that the cake won’t rise if he doesn’t shut up. If Orko weren’t involved, I’d think that was a strange thing to say. Instead of shutting up, Orko uses his magic to make the cake rise. He fucks up the whole thing, nearly crushing Cringer with the oven. Cringer’s life is only spared because He-Man saunters in and catches the oven. Orko takes off in shame when they won’t let him help clean up. He sits on his pink bed and sobs as Cringer tries to cheer him up, even though Orko’s meddling nearly cost him his head. At least someone loves you, shit-head.
Orko goes into a real downward spiral. Orko decides he’s going to run away. He leaves a note, then says, “good-bye, everyone”. I’m hoping that this is subtext for suicide. Either way, Cringer puts Orko on suicide watch and follows him. He-Man is mopping up the cake in the kitchen (really?) and they wonder where Orko is and if they were too hard on him. Well, actually, He-Man is really just leaning on the mop with his hand effeminately on his hip. Man-At-Arms comes in and helpfully announces that he hasn’t seen Orko since he set his fucking lab on fucking fire. All are now very concerned, even though Orko’s only been missing for, like, five minutes.
Out in the forest, Cringer and Orko wander aimlessly. Orko pines for someone wise that he could talk to. Suddenly a bird flies overhead and Orko gets the idea to go see the Sorceress. Meanwhile, Teela is asking book-reading lizard men after Orko, Stratos is doing aerial reconnaissance, while Fisto is fisting rocks to death and proclaiming that Orko is not beneath them. I kind of laugh-snorted when that happened. Good thing I wasn’t sipping my beer at the time, shit. They all head to Orko’s room where they find his floating spell-note, which reads itself to them, revealing that he’s run away. He-Man immediately realizes that Orko only has one other friend, and that he’s gone to the Sorceress.
Cringer and Orko banter as they continue their trek toward Castle Grayskull. Suddenly, they both feel unusually tired and start to doze off on each other. Somehow they find the strength to keep moving when a strange blue creature pops out at them. The creature, which has two noses, snatches Orko, intending to eat him, I suppose. Orko escapes the creature’s grasp, but he’s still too tired to flee. Then Orko tells him to flee, so he does. Then we cut straight to Orko and Cringer, already having escaped. He-Man and crew find a strange footprint left by the blue creature, then we cut to Orko talking to the Sorceress, so I’m not really sure why any of that happened, other than to take up time.
Orko uses his audience with the Sorceress to shit all over himself. She politely pinches her nose against the smell and tries to assure Orko he’s not that much of a fuck-up and people do want him around. Then she pulls that old Christmas Story trick and shows him a year in the future, if he weren’t around. I remember an episode of Alf that was like this too. Man, I should have reviewed that show instead. At least I actually like Alf. In the future every one speaks woodenly about how they still miss Orko and it’s the only thing they can talk about every second of every day for a whole year. Prince Adam has dedicated his life to finding Orko. He must be pretty bad at it.
Even though I’m pretty sure this whole future teleplay of life without Orko is some manipulative trick on the part of the Sorceress and not the actual future without Orko, he buys it and cries his eyes out. Now he feels like shit for being such a douche about being a total asshole. He suddenly remembers the monster he failed to slay and left roaming the woods. He recounts how it drained his powers and Cringer’s energy. The Sorceress gravely confirms that these are the powers of a Talgot (I think), and not only that but it is able to use the powers it saps, which means every one is fucked.
In the forest, He-Man, Teela, and Man-At-Arms walk with a purpose. They hear the Talgot, or what ever, and suddenly feel all tired. Man-At-Arms, the old fart, seems to be sun downing and wanders off in the wrong direction. Orko and Cringer get picked up by a living tree on their way to warn every one and are in peril of being eaten. Teela has run off after her father to ask why he’s acting like such an old person, but he doesn’t have the fleet of mind to answer her questions. Suddenly, they are besieged by shadow beasts. You may recall that Teela has as scandalous history with these creatures (see Season 1 Episode 6 Teela’s Quest and Season 1 Episode 15 A Beastly Sideshow). Unfortunately, to her disappointment, she doesn’t have enough energy to get riled up over them.
Man-At-Arms tries to use a sonic disrupter on the shadow beasts, but he can’t remember how to work it. Teela clumsily smashes into a rock wall and a big boulder falls from overhead. Man-At-Arms is aware of it but fails to move because he can’t decide which direction would be best. Man, the Talgot really hit him the hardest. He-Man steps in and catches the boulder just in time, but he can’t hold it up and it nearly crushes him. Teela starts tripping all over the place, and then He-Man figures out that a legendary creature named a Talgot is causing the problem. They decide it’s now up to them to save Orko before he runs into the thing, so they run off in a hurry to use up what little energy they have left.
Still entangled in the tree, Cringer says something to Orko about snakes, which gives him the idea to try and use his magic to charm the tree like snakes. He says, “Magic music soft and sweet, turn these vines before they eat… ugh… us.” It actually works and the tree drops them. But, then the Talgot shows up. Orko reasons that since the Talgot feeds on energy and powers, Orko will feed him his and maybe the thing will get full. See? I told you he was suicidal. Anyway, how could anything, especially a large creature like this, get full off of Orko? Good fucking plan, Orko.
Teela and He-Man hear Cringer yelping and run to discover the Tragon draining the life out of Orko. It tries to use Orko’s magic and casts a net on his assailants. Apparently, according to He-Man, the creature isn’t too good at spells, and he rips out of the net easily. Next it throws a boulder at him, and despite his reduced strength, He-Man punches the boulder. As it happens, the Talgot is just as bad at magic as Orko, and the boulder bounces like it’s rubber. Actually, I think that the issue is Orko’s magic in the first place; it doesn’t matter who wields it, it’s the magic that sucks. In fact, Man-At-Arm’s mental faculties have suddenly returned to him, and he actually confirms this.
He-Man says his strength is back and he goes to test it. He-Man does this by picking Teela up by scooping one foot while she does a pose like a speed skater. I guess her strength is back too. To prove this, she does one of her famous somersaults from her perch on He-Man’s palms, landing by the Talgot. Then she does a flip over him and tweaks the horn on his head like the springy doorstoppers that make “boiiiing” sounds when you snap them. He-Man immediately picks the thing up and throws it down into a chasm. We never see it hit bottom, just experience some commotion. He-Man says something about how they’ll be long gone before the Talgot climbs out of there. Yeah, right. That thing is dead. I’m counting that as the first murder of season 2, motherfucker!
He-Man scolds Orko for causing so much trouble by making every one worry, and you know, almost die. Then they make him feel like even more shit for running away and recounting how he destroyed all their gifts. He-Man doesn’t even end it on a positive note, then yells, “Right! Let’s go!” Surprisingly, it’s Man-At-Arms that provides the levity when he gives Orko a big hug and says he’s glad to have him back. Really? He set your fucking lab on fire, you buffoon! I also have to point out that there was never any mention of Prince Adam (or He-Man) having had a gift for the King and Queen, the lazy fuck.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how if you make friends with someone who can do nothing but fail, you’ll find they’re impossible to ditch and even harder to live with. Yep, you’re stuck for life, buddy. You might as well kill yourself. Orko comes on screen to tell us that running away doesn’t solve problems like feeling sorry for yourself. Then he knocks over the anniversary cake. Fucker. What was the “Rarest Gift of All”? Orko’s friendship? Fuck that. Actually, maybe the “Rarest Gift of All”, refers to Prince Adam/He-Man, in that he’s so lazy, to actually get a gift from him is rare.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 1
Episodes Missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 3
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Cringer
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Queen Marlena
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Stratos, Fisto, Lizard Man