We open on Prince Adam and Melaktha, whom you may recall is the Royal Historian, standing in the sand in an ocean side bay. Melaktha tells Prince Adam that everything is loaded up and ready to go. Prince Adam points out that Moss Man is not yet present, which causes them to look around, not seeing the conspicuous pile of seaweed on the ground that will certainly turn out to be Moss Man, the spying fuck. Melaktha flips the fuck out when Moss Man stands up. Prince Adam tells him to chill, because Moss Man turns into what ever plants are around when he goes to sleep. The bum was just sleeping on the beach, Melaktha. Don’t be so judgmental. Prince Adam introduces Melaktha as the Royal Archeologist, which reminds me how this show likes to change people’s jobs sometimes.
Melaktha shakes hands with Moss Man, and when he takes his hand away, its all full of seeds. “Ugh, please excuse me, I’m always leaving bits of me everywhere,” Moss Man says. Then, to the seeds, he says, “Alright, you stragglers, jump to it!” Then seeds jump from Melaktha’s hand to Moss Man. Fucking gross. Melaktha stares at his hand in disbelief. I really think Melaktha might puke. Prince Adam takes everyone to show them the ship and we cut to an apprentice and his mentor up in the lighthouse.
As it turns out, they’re father and son. Angus is a bit of a slave driver, but to be fair, Opie seems like a shit. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that the whole scene is for us to know that the beacon can be stopped in an emergency to help a ship. Opie bitches because everything is automatic and there are never any emergencies, and he’s BORED AS FUCK. He whines and prattles on about how bored he is and how boring everything is, and how he wants to go do something exciting, or at least something else, like watch paint dry.
Meanwhile, Prince Adam, Melaktha and Moss Man have set sail. We spot Trap Jaw, feebly disguised as a sailor, eavesdropping very conspicuously on the ship as we pan over to listen to Prince Adam and friends debate whether this legendary island of Avathar even exists. Melaktha insists that it does. “According to legend,” Melaktha says, “it’s an island empire that ruled over much of Eternia. The empire fell when the continent disappeared.” So I guess it’s kind of like Eternia’s Atlantis. I don’t know how Melaktha expects he’s going to sail to it, but whatever. Apparently, a small island with ancient ruins has been found, and Melaktha suggests that it just may be Avathar. Wait. If the empire of Avathar fell because the island disappeared, why would it be back? This isn’t like Atlantis at all.
Trap Jaw radios Two Bad to report in. Two Bad, apparently in charge while Skeletor is using some PTO, impatiently says that Skeletor wants up update on why Prince Adam and company are sailing a ship out to the middle of nowhere. Ah, so Skeletor’s on a working vacation, is he? Trap Jaw dimly tells them it has something to do with Avathar. Evil Lyn is there with Two Bad and they pretty much repeat the same exposition of what Avathar is as the “good” characters did. Two Bad decides it will please Skeletor to know the whereabouts of a bygone civilization that was known for their power and dominance. Trap Jaw assures them that he’ll keep an eye on the situation. Well, if Prince Adam’s disguise can fool everyone, I suppose Trap Jaw’s could too.
Maybe it’s the hook-hand that really sells it for Trap Jaw (or should be a dead give-away, I’m not sure), but Prince Adam approaches Trap Jaw and says, “Good day, sailor.” Trap Jaw stutters a pirate-like utterance in response. Prince Adam asks if he knows the sailor from somewhere, but lets it go really easily when Trap Jaw awkwardly suggests that Prince Adam must be thinking of someone else. Later, one of the legitimate sailors calls “Land-Ho!” The Captain has a look and spots an island. The Captain says that if they’re looking for an island with ruins, that’s the one.
On the island, they waste no time heading inland to look for the ruins. They come upon a vine-covered wall of glyphs. Melaktha laments that he cant’ read them, so Moss Man politely asks his vine-friends if they can move out of the way for them. They do, and Melaktha stares at Moss Man, disturbed. “You talk to them? What do they say?” Melaktha asks. “They said you pulled them hard.” Moss Man replies. Prince Adam asks what the glyphs say. Melaktha interprets some of them (they say this was one a museum), but there’s one symbol he doesn’t know, so he touches it and, wouldn’t you know it, the wall opens up, revealing a secret tunnel. “I think we’ve really found something!” Melaktha exclaims.
Down inside the chambers they’ve uncovered, they find all kinds of treasures and jewels and weapons, and Prince Adam is in awe. You know, the glyphs outside did say it’s a museum. I’m sure that strange glyph-trigger was just some gimmicky way to enter said museum, like at a theme park or something, and here these guys are acting like they’ve finally solved Stonehenge. Melaktha explains they’ve found the basement of the museum, and upstairs they used to show off the national treasures. Yeah, so they found the storage room for the off-season displays. Woot. Prince Adam is still pretty impressed. Moss Man walks over to the wall and starts having what appears to be a one-sided conversation with it. Melaktha leans over and judgmentally says to Prince Adam, “I knew we shouldn’t have brought your green friend. Now he’s talking to the wall.”
Moss Man’s ancient friends in the wall tell him there’s a secret chamber on the other side. Melaktha speculates that it’s the Ancient Mirror of Avathar in that thar secret chamber. Melatha starts to feel around for a latch or switch, but Moss Man tells him the moss says to be careful. Melaktha gets all bent and shouts, “I think I know a bit more old things than a patch of fungus!” Dude, I think that if a guy named Moss Man warns you about something some moss said, you better listen. Melaktha finds a switch, but Moss Man warns him that the moss says it’s a trap. Melaktha pushes the button anyway, and he and Moss Man fall through a trap door. It closes before Prince Adam can get to it, so he decides to go recycle some animation and turn into He-Man. For no apparent reason, he ducks behind a corner before he does it, even though he was alone.
He-Man rips the trap door open, then he walks off-screen and we see a flash of light and cut back to Prince Adam again, still holding his sword up in the air. Huh. He didn’t say those words he said that one time to turn back into Prince Adam. At least he was smart enough to realize that they might find it odd that He-Man was there all of a sudden. Prince Adam drops a rope to them, and Moss Man invites Melaktha to go first, because he’ll only get the rope all slippery. Moss Man then uses his powers to get up there by turning into vines to grow up and pull himself out. Once back up top, Moss Man communicates telepathically with the moss, which tells him he can squeeze through the cracks to the other side. He turns into vines again and then, once reconstituted on the other side, hits the switch to open the door. Boy, they sure are lucky to have randomly brought Moss Man along.
They walk into the chamber and indeed, the Ancient Mirror of Avathar is right there. Melaktha is in awe. Prince Adam asks what is so special about this mirror. Suddenly, a face appears in the mirror and says, “At last, after all these centuries, a question!” Everyone looks shocked and stares at the mirror. The mirror answers the question and advises that he holds all the knowledge of Avathar. Melaktha begins to salivate and desires to bring the mirror back to Eternia with him. He could spend the rest of his life learning about Avathar, he says, drooling a bit. Melaktha makes for the mirror while Prince Adam tells Moss Man to pack up all the rest of the treasures. Sure, just loot the place! Good thing they have pirate Trap Jaw with them, because that’s what they are now, pirates. Prince Adam helps Melaktha with the mirror while Moss Man goes to carry EVERYTHING ELSE.
Back in the lighthouse, Olie, the boy, is still giving his father shit over being expected to run the lighthouse – the most boring job ever – while he’s gone. I thought he meant like he’s got terminal cancer or something, but I guess maybe he’s just going to the store. He rattles off a few reminders, which Olie acknowledges dismissively, promising that he’ll remember. Out in the ocean the expedition ship is returning. Trap jaw is reporting back to Two bad. He mentions a lot of junk but that they’re real excited about the mirror. Evil-Lyn knows of it and is also very excited, saying they must have it! She explains to Two Bad that it contains all the lost knowledge of Avathar, including their lost magic. Two Bad says Skeletor will like that, and he’s glad he thought of it. For someone who went out of his way to say he’s not Skeletor’s friend last episode, this feels awful friendly of Two Bad.
On the ship, the captain is telling Prince Adam they may be in for rough weather, which is confirmed when a yeoman immediately shouts there’s a storm ahead. Well, what a coincidence. One of the things Opie’s dad specifically told him to do was CHECK THE WEATHER. The captain orders his “Highness” (Prince Adam) and all the rest below deck, but Prince Adam says to let him know if they need help, and to, “Please, call me Adam”. Up in the lighthouse, Opie is bitching about having to monitor the machines (we know, because it’s so boring). He decides to go to his room to find something to do, like spank it. Well, as soon as he leaves, those automated systems that Opie is so loath to watch over warn him of a thunderstorm approaching, only he’s not there to hear it.
The automated systems turn on all short and long distance weather sensors turn on, and the beacon turns on. Remember from that exposition earlier that the beacon has to be manually stopped in order to point it and help ships! Out on the water, things are getting really rough. The yeoman struggles to keep control of the ship while the captain shouts that they have to watch out for the rocks! Down below, Prince Adam, Moss Man and Melaktha are trying to keep their lunch down as the ship heaves to and fro. Prince Adam is going to try and check on the cargo – the mirror especially. Melaktha tries to get up and help him, but he immediately feels sick and sits back down. Moss Man goes with him instead.
Up top, the captain is yelling to watch out for the reef so they don’t hit the rocks, but that they’ll be all right, because they can count on ol’ Angus’ beacon! The beacon is indeed working, except that for no reason other than Murphy’s Law, water seeps in and damages the automatic control panel. Well, shit. Suddenly, the beacon freezes while pointing inland. That’s no good. The Captain freaks, “It’s gone! It’s gone! Something’s happened to the beacon!” The control panel starts shouting about how the beacon is frozen. Opie comes back from pulling his pud in his room, but doesn’t do anything to help the situation, and instead whines for his daddy. Down in the ship’s cargo hold, Prince Adam discovers Trap Jaw reporting back to Snake Mountain, tyring to figure out how to smuggle the mirror out.
Out in the sea, the ship is about to hit the rocks. The captain shouts directions, “One hundred eighty degrees starboard!” Look, I’m no sailor, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as 180 degrees starboard. That’s a u-turn in a sail powered ship. By the way, why do they have ships like the Pilgrims had, when they have flying crafts like the wind raiders and shit? Anyway, down below, a bunch of baggage falls from a sudden jarring, which probably means they hit the fucking rocks. Moss Man is holding onto some crates, trying not to get sucked out though the big hole in the back of the ship. “Don’t worry about me, save yourself!” Moss Man shouts as he gets sucked out of the hull breach, whilst clinging to a barrel. Prince Adam draws his power sword and recycles his animation again. Damn, does this show like to burn screen time with that. He-Man says, “I’ve got to save the ship, and dives down into the water that is filling its hull.
Back at the lighthouse, Angus has returned and he’s pissed. He listens from behind Opie the boy communicates with the distressed ship, which has finally come in on the radio. The Captain is crying about how they’re sinking on account of the hole in their ship, and whining about how they hit the rocks because the beacon is all fucked, and bitching because “Where’s Angus? What’s going on over there?” Lucky for them, Angus is right there, and Opie finally notices him. Angus just glares at Angus then gets on the radio to the Captain so they can yell the skinny details of each of their respective predicaments at each other. The Captain is about to continue on about how they’re fucking sinking when something happens. The ship is moving, and not just moving, but raising up out of the water. It’s He-Man, out on the rocks, lifting the ship, saving it.
Moss Man washes up on the rock and is pretty stoked to see He-Man. He uses his botanical telekinesis to gain the aid of some seaweed from down in the ocean. The seaweed rises up out of the water and coils up into the gaping hole in the side of the ship, evidently plugging it sufficiently for sea travel in extremely rough waters. Up in the lighthouse, the Captain tells Angus that He-Man has saved them. All that’s left not is to fix the beacon and guide them in. But first, Angus really lays into Opie, guilt tripping him for much longer than he should, given the emergency at hand. Then they set about figuring out how to solve their problem. Opie suggests they could reflect the light from the beacon back out to the sea with a mirror. Luck of luck, Angus happens to have just the mirror for the job!
Down on the rocks, He-Man has tied a rope around his waist. The other end is tied to the nose of the ship. He-Man dives into the water with the intention of pulling the ship, even though I’m certain the sails still work. He swims, he swims, he swims, it’s dramatic, he swims some more. He-Man surfaces and says, “I sure hope I’m going the right way!” Up on top of the lighthouse, Angus and Opie lift the mirror up in front of the beacon so that it’s shines the light back out to sea instead of inland. He-Man spots it, saying, “Good old angus, you can always count on him,” and swims for it. Suddenly, we jump cut to a bright sunny day, Angus and his son, Opie, standing out on the dock, waiving goodbye as the ship sails away. Opie promises not to be a shit any more, and Angus replies by complimenting the weather.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about what the fuck happened to Trap Jaw, and the Mirror of Avathar, and all the other artifacts. Seriously, I even went back and watched the scene again. One second, Prince Adam is finding Trap Jaw in the cargo hold, and the next we cut to the shipwreck and we never see him again. Maybe he got washed out to sea and fucking drown. I guess the mirror probably went back to Eternia for study, but people seemed to get pretty power drunk over the thing, even Melaktha. I’d be a little concerned about having that thing around. Not only did these things not get resolved, but the episode itself even had this weird, kind of tacked on, abrupt ending. Instead, Prince Adam comes on and tells us that that shitty jobs like doing chores for your parents and working at Walmart or McDonalds are awesome, so quit your bitching.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2 4
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 25
This is going to be close – three more episodes to go. If Skeletor is missing from all of them, he’ll have tied his absentee record from last season!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam
Alan Oppenheimer: Melaktha, Angus Og, Captain Falk, Helmsman
Linda Gary: Evil-Lyn, Opie
Lou Scheimer: Trap Jaw, Moss Man, Two Bad, The Ancient Mirror of Avathar, Computer Voice