I hope this Evil-Lyn-centric episode is as epic as Teela’s episode was. Maybe it will be even more hardcore, since Evil-Lyn is, well, evil. Teela was getting hooked on crystal and getting anal raped in her starring episode. I can only imagine what Evil-Lyn will get up to.
Ok, off to a bad start. The episode opens with some really goofball feel-good music and this tiny little Viking dwarf marching up and down the rampart of this peaceful looking castle. He continues to march back and forth as this awful flute driven music continues. He soon has an obnoxious and expository conversation with another guard, who mentions how vigilant they have to be to guard the highly desirable but unspecified property they have in their mine.
You can be sure that if there is something valuable to be stolen, that Skeletor is going to try to steal it. So, naturally, he’s perched atop a bluff, straddling Panthor. He commands his lackeys to go forth “in the name of destruction” and they launch an attack on the Widgets fortress. Seriously, they are called Widgets? They just took the word midget and flipped the “m” upside down! The doofus, Squinch, continues to march the rampart, oblivious to his impending acquaintance with napalm. And to my delight, his little girlfriend is going to perish with him.
Luckily his girlfriend isn’t a total moron and she spots Skeletor and his crew advancing and sounds the alarm. Squinch starts to freak the fuck out as Mer-Man and Beast Man scale the castle’s turret. Again his girlfriend comes to the rescue and pours grease all over them. I wish it had been hot tar. Or molten gold. Damn, why isn’t this show Game of Thrones? I quit.
Anyway, the grease works and Squinch makes a bad pun rather than feeling like the total asshole that he should. My disappointment at the lack of any molten or boiling materials getting poured on anyone has a chance at relief when Panthor intercepts Squinch on his way to activate another defense contrivance. I’m really hoping this little twat gets rent limb from limb.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen either. Instead, when Panthor takes a dive at him, Squinch just ducks, and Panthor sails over the rampart, taking Beast Man, who has just crested the edge again, with him. Skeletor gets hella pissed and starts blasting away at the front door. So the Widgets use their version of a bat-signal to summon He-Man.
Prince Adam is taking a nice walk with Cringer while he watches this shirtless boy do farm labor. The boy’s farm cart breaks looks, and Prince Adam seriously turns into He-Man real fast to catch it. You know, Prince Adam has his own fair share of muscles, I’m pretty sure that he could catch the cart himself.
But yet he takes the time to recycle an animation sequence to turn into He-Man and do it. It’s the full sequence too, complete with blasting Cringer into Battle Cat. Maybe Prince Adam wanted to impress the boy with his bare chest as well. And, boy, does he!
It’s at least comforting to know that He-Man is up to his old gay tricks. He-Man enjoyed flashing his abs at the shirtless farm boy so much that he rides off to go find other people to show them his abs. He-Man and Battle Cat pretty quickly spot the not bat symbol, and make a bee line for the Widget’s castle.
Skeletor quits fucking around and just makes the main door to the castle disappear. Beast Man and Mer-Man run inside and literally tower over the cowering little widgets. Mer-Man raises his sword, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to decapitate the lot of them with one fell swoop. And once again, I am wrought with disappointment when he merely swipes at one of the Widget’s spear, snapping it in half.
Beast Man heralds Skeletor’s desire to lecture this evolutionarily pitiful group. Skeletor steps up and specifically picks on the one called Kando and calls him chubby. He then demands all of their Coridite, which he plans to use to destroy He-Man, and sics Panthor on them.
He-Man jumps down from the rampart just in time to come between a glorious Widget blood bath and Panthor. He-Man gives Mer-Man a quick stick in the butt to show him a little humility and respect for his abs, then tosses him aside like spermy tissue.
Beast Man is into it, so he turns the kink up a notch and gets out his whip. His drunken, lustfully blood shot eyes take aim at He-Man, and he calls his shot like the Babe Ruth of kinky sex. Beast Man makes his mark, but He-Man catches the whip. He-Man has gotten crabs – or fleas, or whatever one might call them in this situation – from Beast Man before, so he swings him around by the end of his whip and flings him off into the tree where Mer-Man is laid out.
He-Man and Skeletor start playing softball with blasts from Skeletor’s staff as He-Man knocks them back. He sends one out of the park and blows up Skeletor’s ride, so Skeletor does that awesome fist shaking move that he’s so fond of. Skeletor feesls totally inadequate and cries about how someday he will have the power to defeat He-Man. Someday. Totally butt-hurt, Skeletor pulls a disappearing act and vanishes.
After all the villains have disappeared, He-Man inquires as to why Skeletor was bullying them about. They reveal that he was after their cache of Corodite. He-Man adds to the exposition by mentioning that the Sorceress fashioned his harness out of Corodite because it adds to his power. I wonder why she didn’t make him a whole shirt out of it, that dirty old bird. The Widgets mention that they have no use for the stuff because it’s too powerful for them, but they collect it all and stash it so nobody else can have it because they’re dicks like that. He-Man gets all ominous as he ruminates on how shitty it would be if Skeletor had obtained it.
I would like to point out that we are about half way through the episode (about 11 and a half minutes left) and Evil-Lyn has not even been mentioned in it yet. How the fuck is this her plot? That doesn’t make any sense! Anyway, I guess the writers realized this, because we find her at Snake Mountain stroking her big purple pussy while Skeletor smacks Beast Man and Mer-Man around like Larry and Curly. “Dolts! Half-wits! Bunglers”, he calls them!
Evil-Lyn giggles at their emasculation as Skeletor does his fist shaking bit again. He sits down in this throne after pulling the classic trap door act on Beast Man and Mer-Man and prattles on about how Corodite would react with his dark powers making him as powerful as He-Man. Evil-Lyn takes a shot at emasculation and swipes at Skeletor saying that he needs her to help him because all his plots are epic fails. Except this is Skeletor’s plot no matter what the title of the episode says. Evil-Lyn turns in to a hot blonde chick which actually causes Skeletor to get up our of his chair, it’s so startling.
She devises to use this new form to woo her way into the Widget cult because they have a legendary fetish for slutty Amazon women. Once she has fucked them all into a stupor, she will just step into the mine and take the Corodite. She shows up outside the Widget’s castle pulling the old, “help, help, I’m being chased by a large purple jungle cat” trick on them.
It works like a charm and they let her inside. Because they are all so short, they can see right up her skirt and they all instantly get boners. This plan is making more and more sense. Evil-Lyn knew the Widgets couldn’t resist the sight of her sweet, panty-less mons pubis. They are putty in her hands now.
Evil-Lyn claims to be a woman named Nadira who was hiking in the woods and got separated from her parents when Panthor started chasing her. Panic stricken over losing her parents, Nadira convinces the pussy-struck Widgets to go out and look for them for her. They eagerly agree to do so in the hopes that they might get to climb inside her giant snatch, and they leave only Squinch to stay with her, because, fuck ‘em. He already has a girl friend, even if she is short and plump.
They made the wrong call, because Squinch, that little baller, whips out this huge ring-pop and offers to marry Nadira so he can use her lady parts like a jungle gym and not have to share. She quickly accepts, and admires the sour-apple flavor of her new candy engagement ring. Squinch mentions that they have a whole mine full of the stuff, and asks if she wants to go fuck on top of it to celebrate their engagement.
Down in the mine, Nadira notices a large metal door which is bolted shut. When Squinch gets all weird about it Nadira gets all excited, thinking it’s a sex dungeon. She begs him to see and he finally agrees to let her in. Rather than a sex dungeon, it turns out to be their cache of Corodite. This is even better than a sex dungeon, because when you fuck on Corodite, its like putting coke on your dick before doing it bareback!
Nadira shoves Squinch out of the way and goes right for the Corodite, snatching up the whole pile of it. She laughs a wicked laugh and turns back into her usual Evil-Lyn appearance. I don’t know why she doesn’t stay looking like Nadira all the time. Anyway, she laughs in Squinches sobbing little face and then queefs in it just to rub her victory in a little. Evil-Lyn turns into a fire ball and takes off.
Over at Castle Grayskull, the Soceress has been watching the whole thing on her magic mirror. She shifts to her falcon form and flies off to find He-Man. When she finds him, he’s napping under a tree. At the Widget castle, everyone is shitting on Squinch for being such a pussy mongering fuck-up. Except his girlfriend, who once again has his back. That’s weird. She must be a swinger or something. He’s had enough and decides he’s going to be a tough guy and march off to Volcano Cave, because he knows it’s the only place that Skeletor can melt the Corodite.
At the Volcano Cave, He-Man is spying on Skeletor and Evil-Lyn as they stand over a burbling crater of lava with the Corodite. Skeletor announces that once the Corodite is hot enough, he will mold it into the image of his own breast plate. I’m not sure that he’s got enough for a whole breast plate, but what ever, maybe it spreads really thin. Skeletor’s getting all worked up about having He-Man’s power inside him when He-Man steps out to reveal himself.
Evil-Lyn summons a stone demon out of the lava river, which doesn’t make any sense because the lava would melt him. That’s what lava is, molten rock. Anyway, a stone demon sounds like something that He-Man wouldn’t have any qualms about killing, so I’m hoping we put another point up on the murder count board today! Skeletor continues softening the Corodite while He-Man tussles with the stone demon. Skeletor uses a magical blast from his eyes to complete the process.
He places the newly formed breast plate onto his harness, revealing to me that he only needed to make a small piece to go on the center of his purple He-Man rip-off harness. Skeletor instantly gains an equivalent amount of power to He-Man. He-Man (surprisingly without the recycled animation punching sequence) manages to punch the stone demon into smithereens. No sooner has He-Man taken a breath when Skeletor attacks him, punching him across the room.
Battle Cat gets all defensive and jumps down on Skeletor from a ledge. Skeletor easily shoves him off and Evil-Lyn blasts some stalactites loose that fall around him, trapping him there. Skeletor breaks off a large stalactite to shove up He-Man’s ass, Vlad the Impaler style. He-Man uses his recycled punch animation to break the thing into a thousand tiny pieces before he’s subjected to such colon tearing atrocities.
I guess He-Man had dropped his sword during all the ruckus , because Evil-Lyn recovers it from the ground and tosses it over to Skeletor. Skeletor congratulates himself for being so awesome and then charges at He-Man. Skeletor and He-Man wrestle and are pretty evenly matched, even though I would think Skeletor would be more powerful since he has the power sword and a Corodite breast plate now. Evil-Lyn is fixing to throw the fight for Skeletor by interfering, but a lasso falls down out of nowhere and restrains her.
It’s Squinch, his girlfriend and Kando come to help! Oh, thanks, Widgets! Skeletor is as powerful as He-Man now, but, I’m sure you’ll be useful against him. As it turns out they are reasonably clever, and they jump down from the ledge. Using their combined weight to cause Evil-Lyn to be hoisted up, they tie the rope off and leave her suspended.
He-Man manages to cast Skeletor off and recover his sword. I actually had let my guard down and got my hopes up that Skeletor being in possession of He-Man’s sword might bring some continuity from the last episode with the whole power sword and sword of the ancients assimilation that occurred and play into my recollection of Skeletor having a doppelganger sword of He-Man’s, but of course, I was foolish to do so, because nothing of the sort happens. Not to be bested, Skeletor shows He-man his giant nuts and challenges He-Man to top them.
Knowing what a bad idea it is to take his beefcake wang out in front of Skeletor, He-Man uses his recycled punch animation to break Skeletor’s balls, burying Skeletor beneath the weight of his own ruptured, dried up testicles. He-Man drags him out from under them and takes the Corodite breast plate off of him while belittling his lack of true power. You see, because Skeletor is ancient, he shoots blanks. Little puffs of air, actually. On the converse, He-Man shoots nice ropy loads. Doesn’t that suck more than a stray, masturbatory cum-shot to the face, Skeletor? Oh, wait. You wouldn’t know. Ha, ha.
Skeletor disappears with Evil-Lyn in a gust of wind as the Widgets all clutch at He-Man’s legs like they’re posing for the cover of Conan the Barbarian or something. He-Man just stands there and lets it blow through his flowing locks. His hair product must be as powerful as he is, because his hair never gets messed up.
Back at the Widgets castle, Squinch is shitting on himself for getting He-Man into all this trouble. He-Man says, “Don’t worry, Squinch, you’re not the first person to fall for a pretty face”. I’m pretty sure he’s referring to the farm boy from earlier. Skrtich bumbles more than Orko does as he struggles to explain how Evil-Lyn got the Corodite.
Disgusted with the deceit inflicted on him by Nadira, Squinch says he’s done with women. When his girlfriend protests, Squinch clarifies that he wasn’t referring to his girlfriend, he was only referring to pretty women. Bungling things ever further, he trys to recover by saying that she looks like one of the guys, to which she responds by just cutting his fucking nuts off in front of everybody. He-Man laughs like a maniac as Squinch’s testicular blood sprays all over the place.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how we really need a mash up of midget fetish porn and Amazon woman fetish porn. Who’s with me?! No? OK, lets see what the moral actually is for this week. Teela delivers the moral for a second week in a row, but this time, she doesn’t look all devilish and sexy. She tells us that the Widgets were fooled by Nadira’s looks, and that sometimes bad things can look good. Like antifreeze. I know from experience that it does NOT make good limecicles, no matter how good they taste.
He-Man murder count: I’m going to count smashing that stone demon to bits, so 6 and 1 attempted murder, it is!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Squinch
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Mer-Man, Cringer, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Lara
Lou Scheimer: Kando, Young Fellow
