Prince Adam is strolling through the woods, maybe hoping he’ll encounter Garn again, from a couple episodes back, so they can snog behind some bushes. Cringer lays down to take a nap when Prince Adam hears some kind of struggle coming from nearby. Some pervy, clandestine looking men in purple hoods are tugging at the arm of a little girl, who looks like a bitchy Carol Anne from Poltergeist. She’s shouting about rape and how she doesn’t want to stay with them when some Chippendale-Robin Hood looking guys show up in the tree tops. You might think that they’ve shown up to help the little girl, but you’d be wrong. They are actually there to claim her for their own.

Prince Adam is watching the whole thing from the trees. As the Tree People and the Cave Dwellers fight over “the Starchild”, she kicks the cave dweller that restrains her in the nuts and takes off. Idiotically, she doesn’t look where she is going and falls into a big hole in the ground. I can’t really fault her though; having two rapey groups of men fight over her would pretty upsetting. Anyway, the Tree People and the Cave Dwellers bicker for the sake of exposition and reveal that she’s fallen into the vine forest, where no one is safe. Of course, Prince Adam hears this and runs off to become He-Man so that he can butt in and save her. This time, his meddling is justified though; raping kids is not cool. It’s not cool at all.

So, Prince Adam becomes He-Man and jumps down into the vine forest with the starchild. He finds her being assailed by the one of those sea demons from episode 6, “Teela’s Quest” (my personal favorite – so far). One, I have no idea what a sea demon is doing in an underground vine forest. Two, I was lead to believe, previously, that these things were rare, if not singular, when in actuality, they appear to be a dime a dozen. Three, I’m betting that the writers figure I would have forgotten they used this creature in a past episode already and will call the creature something else, in a feeble ruse. Anyway, if you recall, He-Man had to murder that sea demon in episode 6. But before he can kill this one, the starchild shoots an energy blast from her hand, which ensnares the creature. The sea demon then takes a few steps and then just kind of trips out of the frame, which I guess resolves the situation. Apparently exhausted from using her powers, the starchild lays down and goes to sleep, right then and there.

As soon as she dozes off, this evil plant sends its tendrils after her. Damn, everybody is after this chick. It’s kinda like Drew Berrymore in Firestarter or something. He-Man grabs a vine and swings onto the scene to save the sleeping girl. He-Man and Battle Cat quickly become ensnared until He-Man shouts, “Battle Cat, use your muscles”, then they both flex and snap the tendrils that bind them. This is enough to cause the evil plant’s retreat. The starchild wakes up and is understandably scared of He-Man. He doesn’t help things much when leaning in real close to her. It probably would be creepy if I didn’t know that He-Man likes full-grown men, and so it actually ends up coming across as a little sweet, if not poorly thought out.

He-Man tells her that he must get her back to her parents, but she denies having any and turns away with a snobby look on her face. He-Man decides he will just have to take care of her himself. He hears more ogres (See, I told you! They’re calling the sea demon an ogre now), and tells her to “mount up”. To my relief, he is referring to Battle Cat. Dude, you really have to learn how to deal a little more sensitively with abused and mistreated people, especially children. And so, somehow, they ride out of the vine forest, which exists underground, accessed by a pit.

But, we don’t get to see how exactly they did that as we just cut to them back up outside the hole with all the Tree People and Cave Dwellers standing around. They all start salivating when they see that He-Man has brought her back to them and then start bickering over who gets to take her home and steal her innocence. He-Man’s like, “you’re all fucking crazy, I’m taking her somewhere a little less rapey”. And so he takes her back to the palace so the king and queen can decide what to do with her.

At the palace, Teela watches while Orko does a dumb trick that I don’t feel like describing out of a selfish desire to hang onto a few extra brain cells tonight. He-Man shows up with the starchild peeking out shyly from behind his powerful legs. He-Man tells her it’s okay, so she comes out and everyone gushes about how precious she is, which makes her glow yellow. The yellow glow rubs off on Orko and she explains that it’s a power she has, for those she likes. Teela literally moans about how good it feels, and I start to understand why everybody is after this girl. Cruelly, it would seem she is cursed with powers that make her irresistible to pedophiles. It’s a good thing that He-Man and his pals aren’t into little girls. They promise to keep her safe, and I trust them to, as long as Orko isn’t in charge, because he’ll fuck it up for sure.

In the throne room, King Randor and Queen Marlena (holy shit, I remembered her name!) ponder what to do with Starchild, which I’m now capitalizing as her name because they are clearly refusing to give her a proper name and even commented on how she’s “called Starchild”. Suddenly the Cave Dwellers burst in and demand that she be released into their custody. Starchild freaks and takes off running. Teela and He-Man go after her, but she seems to have given them the slip. He-Man walks around saying “come out, there’s no place to hide”, which again seems like one of the worst things he can say. Starchild uses her powers to put out the lights in the palace and runs off to find a better hiding place.

The main Cave Dwelling perv wanders around in the dark looking for her as well. He stumbles into Teela’s room and finds a giant diamond that Teela probably gawks at when she jills off and pervs all over it. He-Man flips the power back on and spots Starchild. She darts off with He-Man and Teela in tow. They track her to a room where she uses her powers to create a force field over the door. He-Man jabs his sword into the force field, but it doesn’t work and the power of it knocks him back on his ass. As he lays on the floor, Starchild’s force field creeps into the room and corrals He-Man and Teela, trapping them.

After the fadeout for what would have originally been a commercial break, I can see that the force field has completely encapsulated them. Even though it’s clearly covering the floor too, He-Man is able to stomp on the floor, crashing them through to the next level down. He-Man and Teela go back to the throne room where the Tree People have also shown up to fight for custody of the irresistible little blonde. He-Man claims to have been unable to find Starchild. Regardless, the Tree People and the Cave Dwellers break into fisticuffs over her until King Randor tells them to fuck off, because none of them are getting the kid.

Later, while Teela continues searching for Starchild, the Cave Dweller perv pops out from behind a bush and offers her a rose. I think he’s hoping she’s a single mom and that he can horn in on so he can molest her kid. He looks like that kind of guy. Fortunately, Teela does not have any children, at least as far as I know. As soon as he finds this out, he implores her to help him recover Starchild so he can indulge his dark desires. Teela objects until the perv shows her the crystal from her room, telling her that he has thousand more in his cave, never mind that he appears to have stolen this one. She immediately creams her royal panties and agrees to help him. Wow. Teela, how easily you fall.

In the palace, Teela spots Starchild, but she sees that Teela is with the Cave Dweller perv, and so she traps them both in a crystal ball which starts floating toward the skylight. He-Man shows up just in time and climbs up a pillar in hopes of rescuing Teela. He-Man gets to the ceiling first, and as the ball rises up to his feet, he shoves it back down to the floor. He drops down, picks up the ball and hurls it into a doorway where it lodges. He-Man takes out his power sword and breaks it, freeing both Teela and the Cave Dweller perv.

In his lab, Man-At-Arms is working on a machine and asks for his wrench. One of the Tree People immediately hands it to him. How the fuck did this guy get into Man-At-Arms’ lab, anyway? It seems like just anyone can go wherever they please in the royal palace. But I digress, instead of actually looking for her, Man-At-Arms is working on a device that will help him locate Starchild. The Tree Person is over complimentary of Man-At-Arms’ technical savvy and eagerly assists him with getting the device up and running. The Tree Person heads off to go look for the girl when Man-At-Arms jumps up and chases after him, offering to help. Damn, that was easy. He didn’t even have to ask, just to stroke Man-At-Arms’ ego a little bit. At least Teela’s getting diamonds for selling her soul.

Suddenly, just as they’re about to head out to track Starchild, the laser defense system starts shooting at them. The Tree Person and Man-At-Arms duck behind some equipment and start calling for help. He-Man hears them and comes running. He waits for one of the lasers to shoot at him, then uses his power sword to knock it back, destroying the defense mechanism. Rinse, repeat. Once everything is safe, Man-At-Arms comes out of hiding and runs off to follow the buzzing sound from his little girl tracking device. Instead of following, He-Man tries some sympathetic reasoning thinking, “if I were a little girl, frightened, lonely, what would I do”? Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first time that He-Man has imagined what it would be like to be a little girl?

Well, apparently, the answer is hide behind a curtain, because that is where He-Man finds her – on his first try. I told you this wasn’t his first rodeo. She whines and sobs about how nobody wants her, they only want her very, very powerfully powerful power. She says she doesn’t want to have to use her powers to hurt anyone, but if these pervy old men don’t stop already, she’s going to have to castrate some motherfuckers. He-Man hears a pulsating tone and announces that they’re being summoned. He suggests that it’s time to go have a nice long talk with the king and queen.

Back in the throne room, King Randor has surmised that the girl will not be found until she wants to. And so, he makes the Tree Person and the Cave Dwelling perv tell him what the big deal about this little girl is anyway. They each start to say that they, “want to teach her to…”, but the both get cut off before they can get into the gory details, because He-Man and Starchild have entered the room. She points her finger at the two pervs and makes some heinous accusations, then runs off all upset again.

Starchild comes upon a grate which I presume leads to some kind of nasty sewer tunnel, and stands there contemplating her next move as He-Man and Teela close in on her. She jumps in, and He-Man and Teela inform me that it is actually the old tunnel the vine forest. What? This is just a quick dash away from the throne room, and there’s a tunnel to the old vine forest? What the fuck would it be there for, except as the product of lazy, lazy writing. Because they haven’t been annoying enough, the Tree Person and the Cave Dwelling perv show up to bother everyone some more. For some reason, He-Man lets them come along. Yeah, because they’ve kept Starchild so calm so far, I’m sure that’ll help. Fuck man, I’m sick of these guys. If He-Man won’t murder them, I will.

Down in the vine forest, Teela immediately gets snagged by a giant Venus flytrap looking thing. He-Man draws his power sword and is about to hack that shit apart when the Tree Person tells him to stop. You see, it’s a tickle trap. If He-Man strikes it, it will expunge a toxic fluid, killing Teela. But if he tickles it, it will just let go. Once free, Teela says, “Whew. I like a plant with a sense of humor”. Then we cut to the continued search for Starchild. What the fuck was the point of that sequence? Waste of my time.

Elsewhere in the vine forest, some kind of foliage monster is hassling Starchild. He-Man runs in and scoops her up, protecting her. The Tree Person lassos it while the Cave Dwelling perv bangs some crystals together to, I don’t know, piss it off more or something. The Tree Person directs He-Man to throw it in to a near by tangle tree, which he does. This will keep the thing restrained for hours. Unexpectedly, Starchild is impressed that the Tree Person and the Cave Dwelling perv worked together to rescue her. They smile knowingly at each other, realizing how much more effective their perving could be if they were only to join forces.

Back in the royal palace throne room, they all realize everything was just a misunderstanding. The Tree People and the Cave Dwellers have spent all this time fighting over who gets to perv on this poor, innocent little girl, when all along they could have joined forces and had twice the pervy power. And so it is that King Randor and Queen Marlena become complicit in the end of innocence for this young child, as they allow the Tree Person and the Cave Dwelling perv to take her home with them. Where is the justice? More over, where is child protective services? Man, Eternia is fucked up place.

Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how, whenever there is a custody battle between two pervs, the authority in the matter should take a page from King Solomon and just cut the kid in half and just be fucking done with it. Instead, the Sorceress comes on the screen to tell us that we all have powers like Starchild. The power of love, and we should spread it around to as many pervy adults as possible. What the fuck kind of kid’s show is this?

He-Man murder count: 12 and 1 attempted murder

 

Episodes missing Skeletor: 6

 

IMDB Cast List:

 

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Palos

Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Willen

Linda Gary: Teela, Starchild, Queen Marlena, The Sorceress

Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor

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2 Responses to Season 1 Episode 33 “The Starchild”

  1. Shane says:

    The starchild looks like the little girl from the Poltergeist films and Teela is looking at He-Man with such longing when they’re stuck in that pit thing; makes me so sad for her.

  2. John thompson says:

    Bottom 5 eps of season one…. 1 the star child 2 it’s not my fault 3 dree ells return 4 the return of orkos uncle 5 the Royal cousin. Bottom 5 eps of season two…. 1 the greatest show on eternia 2 the littlest giant 3 jacob and the widgets 4 the ancient mirror of avatar 5 trouble in trolla, these are in my opinion by far the worst ten episodes of the he man series ( the star fold and greatest show being the worst season one and two eps)

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