I know that the title is supposed to sound scary, or spooky or something, but I’m getting a really boring feeling from it. “The Sleepers Awaken” – I do that every fucking morning when my alarm clock goes off. Yawn. Maybe the episode is about Prince Adam’s commute. Yawn. I’m invigorated a little bit when the opening credits end because I’m looking at a dragon shaped castle, and I think perhaps I’ve been too hasty. Prince Adam and Teela stand outside of it, and Prince Adam makes a comment about how creepy it is. Teela says that according to legend, 200 years ago, the castle was ruled by Lord Taran and Lady Valtira, and they were all into dark magic and shit. They were so into it that they used up all the trees in the area as their power source, and instead of moving on to conquer a new land, they just went to sleep for like, centuries to wait for the trees to grow back. It doesn’t look like the trees have even started growing back to me. In spite of that, I assume that the two of them will awaken to cause trouble anyway.
So then we flash back to watch Taran and Valtira decide to lay down and sleep for centuries. Their little pet dragon is all freaked out about them leaving him, but Valtira strokes his head and assures him that he’s been included in their magical cryogenic preservation plot. Taran tells Valtira that he will wake up before her so he can put on some coffee or something. And so, they lay down in their respective sarcophagi, say good night, and go to sleep. It was a little pointless to see that story acted out when Teela had just explained it. I guess I have to give credit for the splurge on some new animation, when they could have just recyled some old stuff. Back in the present, Teela says that the forest has grown back stronger than ever, and some think that Lord Taran and Lady Valtira may return at anytime. I can assure you Teela, you won’t have to wait long to find out.
Just as Prince Adam is asking Teela to keep him safe from the legend, a couple of winged horses land nearby. Just as I expect him to lose it like the guy in that Double Rainbow viral video, Prince Adam says he’s scared of them kind of deflates in fear. Apparently, Teela dragged him out here for a “horse round-up”, but Prince Adam wouldn’t have come with if he’d known they were going to be scary winged horses. I wonder if he would have preferred unicorns? It turns out they aren’t the only ones watching the winged horses. A very zombie looking Taran stands gazing at them whistfully from within his cave, unaware of Prince Adam and Teela’s presence. He remarks about how much Valtira loved winged horses and wonder’s if she will finally wake up. Indeed, the moon shines into their sleeping chamber and Valtira and her little dragon pet awake, but only so she can scold Taran for pronouncing it, “wing-ed”.
Outside, Prince Adam manages to lasso one of the winged horses, and quite by mistake, gets tossed onto it’s back. It takes off with Prince Adam still riding it, and he is completely terrified and clutches on for dear life. He pathetically begs the horse to let him off. Nearby, in the forest, Valtira checks herself out in her compact and is surprised that sleeping for centuries hasn’t made her younger. She is really going to be pissed when she sees her crypt keeper husband then, because Valtira looks the same as when she went to sleep to me! She smashes her compact in disgust and then decides to drain the energy from the restored forest instead of getting some botox like everybody else.
In the interest of superficial pride, Valtira commits an act of arborcide, which we learned in the last episode is naughty, to make her self younger. When she raises her arms in triumph, she still looks exactly the same as she did a moment ago. Her little dragon friend sheds a tear for the tree, but Valtira doesn’t notice because she is distracted by the winged horse flying overhead with Prince Adam riding on its back. It bucks him just overhead, causing Prince Adam to fall into a bush right by Valtira. She gets all creamy as she tells Prince Adam that she has never been able to get that close to a winged horse. She moves closer, flirting, telling him that he reminds her of her lover, Taran. Before she can put her hand on his dick, Prince Adam explains that he likes it in the bum, so she’s out of luck.
Rejected and bitter, Valtira reaches out and taps Prince Adam on the forehead, casting a brain washing spell over him and taking him for her sex slave. Zombie Taran was watching the whole thing from the shadows, and he’s heartbroken that Valtira has taken this young stud for her new lover instead of his wrinkled old ass. If he had his own compact, he wouldn’t blame her, I’m sure. He turns to his evil looking spider companion and promises to teach Valtira who her true “lord” is. You teach her, Taran, you teach her good.
Valtira explains to Prince Adam that, until he kicks the cock and accepts her as his true master, he will be her slave. Before she can leap on his face and force him to dig for clams, Taran launches an attack from his perch in the trees. His spider friend shoots a web and snatches Valtira’s dragon pet from her shoulder. As Valtira frets, Prince Adam suggests that she release him from her control because he can only help her if he’s free. She falls for it and releases him. Prince Adam immediately runs away. It does not please Valtira to see her human sex toy run away into the bushes, not one bit.
As you probably guessed, Prince Adam bolted to go turn into He-Man. I can’t wait to see Valtira’s reaction to our favorite shirtless beefcake. I bet she lactates with excitement. Valtira doesn’t wait around to see if Prince Adam comes back, so while he is busy recycling animation, she goes and pinned to the ground with spider webs by Taran. Taran mocks her from the shadows up in the trees. His voice is familiar to Valtira, but before she has a chance to ponder it, He-Man comes on the scene. She begs He-Man, to my surprise, not to slather her in oil and ride her like a stallion, but rather to save her pet.
He-Man is impressed with her apparent selflessness and climbs the tree to rescue the cute little dragon. Once he is up in the canopy, he uses a grappling hook and swings on the rope, deftly cutting the webs suspending the dragon pet, catches it, and lands safely on another tree branch. Taran teleports himself to a branch farther up above He-Man to gain the element of surprise. Taran drains the tree of it’s energy to gain strength. He uses magic to shatter the branch that He-Man is on. Once He-Man is prone on down on the ground, Taran topples the dead tree on him. He-Man catches the tree before he gets smashed, then articulates his extreme dislike of people that kill wood.
Taran appears in front of Valtira, but she doesn’t recognize his aged, sunken visage. He abducts her and absconds back up into the tree tops to pop a Viagra, and then, in 45 minutes or so, show her who her daddy is. For the second time this episode, He-Man pulls out his grappling hook. He pulls down a tree with it and uses it to catapult himself up to Taran and Valtira. He-Man gallantly cuts the webs that bind her, lifts her in to his powerful arms and leaps back down to the ground. She shows her gratitude by using her magic to open a secret passage into the castle. Taran watches from above, scoffing because he also knows secret ways into the castle, or could probably even use the front fucking door if he wanted to, seeing as how he lives there and all.
He-Man and Valtira walk through the castle while He-Man asked why she hasn’t tried to make him her sex slave like she did with Prince Adam. She says, “Eh, it’s cool. I’ve always wanted to have a gay bestie, anyway”. Then the little dragon jumps up and licks He-Man’s face and he just melts. It’s really nice to see He-Man be accepted for who he is and not have to hide like Prince Adam does in the royal palace. I almost start to believe this could work out for the best, but Valtira has that evil, abusive streak. So, even if she has backed off He-Man’s nuts and wants to go shopping with him, I don’t see He-Man sticking around for too long.
Outside, Teela is still flying all around looking for Prince Adam. She finally spots Prince Adam’s horse, but he’s nowhere to be seen. She verbalizes her fear that he may have gone inside the spooky, haunted dragon castle. Well, I guess the only logical way to find out is to go in the castle, which she does immediately. She wanders around leering at all the vines and webs that have overgrown it. She comes upon the sleeping chamber and discovers the open sarcophagi and realizes the legend could be true, and Prince Adam could be in danger. She rushes off to look for danger, not noticing the zombie Taran lurking in the doorway, creeping on her.
As He-Man and Valtira wander and gossip in another part of the castle, she becomes upset with the poor condition of the place. She resolves to use her magic to restore it, and, ever the nag, He-Man says he doesn’t think that’s a good idea. She assures him that when he sees her fabulous throne, he’ll change his mind. She lays her hands on the vines that overrun the place, and she drains them of their energy, which causes them to disappear. She sits down on her throne, waiting for He-Man to praise how cool she is, but before we find out if He-Man was impressed or not, this giant snake slithers out from a hole in the wall to, I don’t know, kill them for no reason.
Valtira insolently insults the giant snake as it looms over her. If He-Man hadn’t ordered her to, she might not have moved out of the way, which she does just in time. The snake comes down on the thrones, crushing them. Valtira cowers against a wall, until He-Man is like, “Wrestle a giant snake? I got this”! He-Man gets a nice good grip with his arms around the snake, but somehow lets it slip through his fingers. The giant snake doubles back and wraps He-Man up and squeezes him. He-Man expresses his pleasure by giggling “Hey, that tickles”! He-Man decides that he can play rough too, and wags that long, thick python around until he accidentally smacks it against the wall. Apparently having had his fill, he cuts down a giant cloth and ties the snake up in it, perhaps so he can save it to have more later.
Seeing He-Man get down with that phallic beast reminds Valtira that, even though she has accepted and enjoys having He-Man as a gay bestie, she has a deep, deep need for deep, deep penetration, and he won’t be providing it. So, she becomes enraged, believing that her sexy lord Taran may have been killed by a giant snake like this one, or possibly that hideous zombie that was hassling her earlier has eaten his brain! She gets really pissed, because she is very, very horny, and has no foreseeable means of satiating her sexual desire.
Before Valtira can work herself into a blind rage and just rape He-Man after all, they hear Teela shouting for help. They rush off to go help, but they are impeded by a wall of vines. Before Valtira can use her powers to reduce the vines to ashes, He-Man stops her. Suddenly, he’s a structural engineer and informs Valtira that if she does that, the whole fucking castle will come down. Well, it’s no matter, because Valtira knows another way around.
Teela is webbed up to the wall, looking kinda sexy and vulnerable. Just as I’m getting a little worked up, the camera angle changes and we see the zombie Taran leering at her with his creep level cranked to the max. It’s even creepier than the Movember mustache I have right now. If Valtira, who has been chaste for centures, isn’t horney enough to do it with zombie Taran, there’s no way Teela’s going to go for it. Lucky for her, he uses Viagra instead of Cialis, and so it has worn off already. It’ll be at least another 45 minutes before he can pop another rod. Just when I think this show can’t surprise me any more, Teela actually looks like she’s considering sexual congress with zombie Taran.
We will never know for sure becuase Valtira and He-Man come wandering in, and Valtira goes, “Ew, it’s that ugly guy again”. Well, this is the last straw for zombie Taran, and he starts ranting and whining about how the only reason he is ugly is because he work up early, and every time he has used his powers over the years to rebuild the kingdom, it has aged him, which explains why he’s done such a shit job of it. His fit is complete with arm flailing and everything. Damn, everybody in this episode is pent up except for He-Man. But he got to wrestle a python, so that’s understandable.
Valtira realizes that he IS Taran, and Taran is like, “Yeah, you didn’t know that? Anyway, I’m pissed because I look like shit and you’d rather fuck your beefcake, there”. Before Valtira can explain that He-Man is as gay as they come and that she couldn’t even get him to rail her under a sex slave spell, Taran sics his spider friend on them. The spider snares He-Man and swings him into a web, restraining him while Teela watches helplessly from her own web. With He-Man out of the way, Taran turns to Valtira and, with only a hint of regret, tells her that he must kill her now.
As Valtira tries to explain that she and He-Man are just friends and he’s really not her sex slave, He-Man escapes. Taran sends the spider after He-Man once again, and when that doesn’t work, Taran runs off to drain the energy out of a giant vine. Having been educated by He-Man, Valtira shouts out for Taran to stop, because he’s about to destroy the vine structure that is holding the castle up. He does it anyway, and for a reason I can’t discern, there is an explosion and the vines disappear. The castle begins to come down, so Valtira runs to her former lover to try and protect him. Taran realizes his error as Valtira clutches his shoulder.
He-Man cuts Teela loose, and the two of them plead for Taran and Valtira to get out with them. Taran tries on the martyrdom of a jilted lover for a moment, bemoaning the loss of his lover, and with her, the loss of his will to live. Valtira says, “Dude, chill out, I didn’t know it was you before. I’ll still jump your bones, even if you are ugly. I’m really, really horny”. That’s good enough for Taran, and they all run off together. All of them, except the little dragon pet, who is cruelly trapped underneath a stone from the crumbling castle.
Heroically, Taran runs back into the castle to save the little guy. He’s not strong enough to lift the block, but He-Man runs in to help and together they lift it and free the cute little pygmy dragon. In a rare moment, my expectations of this show are blown away when He-Man, that persistent hose-hound, announces there is one more rescue he wants to make. He runs deeper into the castle and picks up the bag containing the giant peter python he was saving for later. I knew it! It’s nice to see He-Man getting something in return, finally. He’s made a new friend for gossip and shopping, AND found a sexual outlet worthy of his massive carnal appetite and his bulging muscles.
Outside, Teela, Taran and Valtira look on as the castle crumbles. Teela shouts in agony, “No! He-Man was in there”! In a fit of rightousness, Taran denounces his evil use of magic. They will honor He-Man’s death by going on the straight and narrow. Taran takes off his magic amulet and, together with Valtira, smashes it on the ground. Inexplicably, this makes them grow young again. It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. The amulets are what allowed them to hibernate for so long, why would it make them young again? It’s more likely that it would cause them to age to many centuries old suddenly and just cumble to fucking dust. Taran looks noticeably better, but Valtira’s only real change is that her unruly, thick eyebrows turn into the nicely plucked and groomed ones of a twenty-something.
Suddenly, Prince Adam comes on the scene, Teela shouts down in anguish that He-Man has perished inside the castle. Prince Adam claims that he was helping He-Man and assisted him in rescuing a giant snake. Prince Adam assures them that he knows he’s, “all right”, but its not clear if it is the snake or He-Man being referred to. Either way, I know that the snake is tucked away for a more intimate, private romp later on.
Prince Adam provides a little too much detail on what he’s being doing this whole time when he says, “I gave those flying horses another ride. Boy, they can really buck”. Yeah, he actually says that. Everyone laughs as the horse nudges him trying to get some more. You know, I hear that’s how people that fuck their dogs get caught. The dog gets all trained or it then does something embarrassing and suspicious in front of witnesses. Valtira strokes the winged horse’s face and Prince Adam says, “Maybe you’d like to ride it”? Valtira smiles and says, “Only if Taran does too”. Oh, fuck, this episode looks like it’s headed somewhere I’m not sure even I want to go.
Before I am forced to witness a winged horse porn orgy, this week’s moral comes on. I think it’s going to be about how if we, as a nation, were less up tight about sex, maybe consenting adults could be open about their true pleasures (but not beastiality, that’s illegal and gross) and not have to cheat, or stay in the closet, or hypnotize people to be sex slaves. Orko comes on the screen, floating a couple feet off his bed, and I’m really not sure where this week’s moral is actually going. It’s been a really, really weird and sexually charged episode, and I’m not sure if I want to beat off or scrub myself raw in the shower or both, in that order. Disappointingly, Orko just tells us it’s important not to get too much sleep, but also not to little, and don’t snack before bed, unless it’s milk and fruit. Boooooriiiiiing.
He-Man murder count: 12 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 7
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam
Alan Oppenheimer: Various
Linda Gary: Teela, Valtira
Lou Scheimer: Orko
Damn! Lazy IMDB credits, much?