So it looks like this episode is about disappearing. Again. It doesn’t take a good memory to realize that the last episode was about disappearing too. Who are they trying to fool?
Fabulous secret powers. Tee-hee.
I guess I could skip watching the intro, but it always makes me laugh when he says that.
The episode opens, and Skeletor and Beast Man are playing drinking games again. This time it’s beer pong. Wait, that’s a box he’s got in his hand, not a ping pong ball. It’s probably the only box Skeletor has ever touched. Anyway, what’s he doing with a box? Maybe he’s proposing to Beast Man? No, that can’t be it. Skeletor is into brawny pageboy haircut wearing beefcakes, not bears.
I was right, its not an engagement ring, though it is a diamond. A diamond ray of disappearance! Whoa, didn’t see that one coming. Skeletor is so stoked on it that he has Beast man activate a stone scorpion looking thing that summons all the evil warriors in Eternia and teleports them to Snake Mountain so he can tell them about it. Like Mer-Man, War Lord of Water, Master of Fish, Lakes, and Streams. Damn, that’s a mouth-full of a title. Speaking of mouths, he’s also a bit of a mush-mouth.
And Evil-Lyn, Sorceress of Night. Wait, whaaaa? Why does she need to be teleported from elsewhere? Isn’t she always hanging all over Skeletor’s nuts? I assumed she lives at Snake Mountain with him, or at least is over there free-loading all the time.
Anyway, Tri-Klops, Master of Vision, is coming to the party, too. Allegedly, he can see around solid objects with his special gamma ray triple-eye helmet. I don’t get it either, but they said around objects, not through.
Also invited is Trap-Jaw, Master of Weapons (and notably, not blow jobs). Guarantee he has dildo attachments for that arm unit thing. In fact, is gun attachment is rather phallic…
When they all arrive at the dinner table, we find Skeletor dipping his toes in some pussy. You heard me. We meet his version of Battle Cat for the first time. In typical form, we don’t know the pussy’s name yet. Evil-Lyn is all, “this food sucks, and I’m bored, why the fuck did you drag us here”? Skeletor tells them all about the half-chub he has over this diamond ray, and how it’ll get them into this killer dance party at Castle Grayskull tonight, and can any one score some coke?
Mer-Man straight up takes the piss and tells Skeletor he’s full of shit, and his plan is a fail waiting to happen. Apparently they didn’t let Mer-Man into the party last time because he smells like microwaved fish. Tri-Klops bemoans some monocular discrimination he was subjected to the last time he tried to get past the velvet rope at club Grayskull, and the rest of them join in, shitting all over Skeletor’s plan. Skeletor says, “Chill, bro. I’m for real. We just show this diamond to the bouncer and it makes him disappears. Bada-bing, bada-boom. We’re in like flint”. Skeletor does the “raise the roof” move and they all buy into it, like it’s a Sham-Wow.
Back at the palace, Orko is fucking up tricks for the royal court again. Seriously, I don’t know why they tolerate it. It’d be like hiring Dave Coulier to play a bat mitzvah, except the bat mitzvah is every day. Kill me now. Price Adam laughs as Man-At-Arms gets egg on his face, literally.
The laugh He-Man does uses the same animation that the 4 Non Blondes cover used when he’s singing in the video, which made me laugh hysterically AND wonder if this might be another one of those stock animation pieces they love to recycle.
All of a sudden Trap-Jaw swoops in on one of those flying jet-skis and launches a balls-out attack on the palace. That is some bold shit, right there. So Teela runs off to launch a defense and Prince Adam slinks off to his room with Cringer. As he is walking away, the King totally shits all over him for being so useless. He’s got all the signs of homophobic father syndrome, that one. Someone should offer him a support group, for reals.
But we all know that Prince Adam is going for the nearest proverbial phone booth to afford him the opportunity to use the stock footage in front of Castle Grayskull to turn into He-Man. Which he does. He mounts Battle Cat (yeah, get it girl!) and rides off to go help Teela.
Speaking of stock footage, they just did this close up on He-Man sort of smirking. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this animation before too. Beyond the obvious sequences, I’m starting to notice the more subtle usage of stock animation the more episodes I’m watching. This is just about the point in college that I burst an aneurism from watching this shit-show and sold the DVDs with the quickness.
After a not-so-pulse-pounding sky jet-ski race, Teela shoots Trap-Jaw out of the sky. Skeletor is actually pretty pumped about it because, a) Trap-Jaw gives terrible head, and b) now Teela and the jet-ski army are away from the palace so he can sneak in with his fancy diamond. Turns out Trap-Jaw and Teela have something going together because they park out in the barren rock formations, which so well define Eternia, so he can put on some kinky arm attachment and get Teela off like Tool Time was a porno. What, can you really blame her? You know Prince Adam ain’t tappin’ that. Hey, side note – ever hear Eric the Midget (or Eric the Actor, if you prefer) on the Howard Stern show? Trap-Jaw sounds exactly like him.
Like a nube, Teela gets all blushy about it when He-Man, ever the drip, shows up like a turd in the pool and craps on the whole deal. Trap-Jaw splits, so Teela tries to lay her snail trail on He-man’s thigh instead. But you know he ain’t having that and he brushes her off makes some excuse that he’s already nailed like fifteen bitches today and so he can’t possibly throw her a bone.
Back at the palace Man-At-Arms is all worried about Teela like he’s her dad or something. Oh. What’s that? He is her dad? Who is her mom? Based on this awkward family photo, I would have thought it was the Queen, but her philandering husband would have to be pretty fucking stupid to miss her pregnancy, because he clearly knows Man-At-Arms is the father. I mean, this isn’t fucking Fraser, the Queen can’t just hide behind an “I’m fat” excuse.
Orko tries to distract Man-At-Arms from his fatherly jitters by doing some magic. I think that dress-wearing amputee elf might have a death wish. For real, Man-At-Arms kinda seems to hate him, and most of the tricks he fucks up tend to pull a Gallagher on him when he’s not wearing his poncho. And to boot, he’s already in tizzy over Teela. Doing your bogus tricks for this man at this moment sounds like a good way to lose your other two limbs to me, Orko.
Just before a bloodbath ensues, the Sorceress shows up in her bird form to telepathically drop some knowledge directly into Man-At-Arms’ brain. Skeletor is in the palace, and they should get the King to safety! Except two seconds later, Skeletor and his entourage come bursting through the door anyway, so what was the fucking point?
Man-At-Arms is about to lay into Skeletor with his light saber (I’m not even kidding that’s exactly what this thing is) when Skeletor just starts blastin’ fools with his diamond. That’s cold, man. He basically was just like, “Pizza delivery. Psych! Pew, pew, pew, I’m blastin’ fools”! That’s some cheap shit. By the way, when every one else has been blasted with this thing, they just disappear instantly. But when the King gets zapped, it takes long enough that he has time to exposit about how he seems to be disappearing. As if you hadn’t yet realized this week’s episode is about disappearing.
Orko escapes and catches up with He-Man and tells him about how Skeletor made everyone at the palace disappear. Despite his useless description of how Skeletor did it, He-Man deduces that the diamond ray of disappearance was involved. He-Man instructs him to find Ram Man and Stratos to come back him up. Jesus. They really pulled out all the stops for animation on this one. We have three new characters in this episode alone, and all the other characters that have been introduced so far make appearances in this episode as well! I’m starting to feel a little bad for thrashing them for reusing so many animation sequences.
He-Man goes to Castle Grayskull because it is his only hope of trying to commune with the banished Sorceress. He heads inside to give it a try, but not before he stops to check himself out in the mirror. This kind of reminds me of all the meatheads’ behavior when I was in college. I used to lifeguard, and the window to our office was one-way mirrored glass. So when they’d walk by, they would totally check themselves out, not knowing we could see them from the other side. Sometimes they’d even pick their noses. But, I digress.
He successfully reaches the Sorcress and she tells him that he must crush the diamond, but he that can’t look at it. My money is that he uses his ass to crush that diamond because a) you can’t see through the brown eye, despite the name, and b) you know dat ass is tight! Meanwhile, Skeletor and crew are attempting to break into Castle Grayskull because, even though he never blasted him with the diamond ray, he assumes He-Man disappeared along with everyone else at the palace and isn’t home at Castle Grayskull.
Bummer. Not only was He-Man home, but also he was right on the other side of the door the whole time, just sitting on Battle Cat. Beast Man pulls the exact same shit as in episode one and bum rushes He-Man, only to be pulled up for a smooch in the exact same animation as in the first episode. In fact, the animation of He-Man behind the door is probably the same too. I take that little compliment I made earlier about the animation back. I guess it was just that they’d racked up enough recyclable animation by this episode that they were able to spring for a couple new characters.
Serendipitously, Teela shows up with Stratos and Ram Man, a stumpy Juggernaut-meets-Danny DeVito type guy (Twins 2, anyone? No? I didn’t think so.).
A less than epic battle ensues in which He-Man tosses Mer-Man into a mud pit, which seems less than dangerous for him, being that he’s an aquatic anthropomorph and all. Stratos flies circles around Evil-Lyn and wraps her up in a blanket. Not too smart, that Evil-Lyn. Even my dogs can get out of a blanket. Skeletor sics Panthor (ah, nice to have a name with the puss) on He-Man and Battle Cat, which distracts him so Tri-Klops can get He-Man in a sleeper hold and rape that diamond crushing ass.
Ram Man takes out a bunch of those little robots by ramming into them, and Orko trips up Tri-Klops by spinning his eye-helmet around his head. Skeletor tries to blast He-Man with the diamond ray, but he easily deflects it with his power sword, causing Skeletor to drop it down into a crevice. Beast Man is all like, “the diamond is gone? I knew this plan was whack, I’m gonna go get bombed, who’s with me”?
Before they dip, Skeletor conjures a rock monster with his staff, on which He-Man promptly uses the recycled punching animation to smash it to bits. He-man goes after the diamond because he still wants to cram it up his ass. Instead, he uses his hands to try and crush it, and he begins to disappear like Marty McFly at a high school dance in the ’50s. Teela, Stratos, Ram Man, et. al. are all like, “dipshit, you were supposed to use your ass”, but then at the last second he manages to crush it and all the disappeared folk return from exile.
We cut back to the palace where the King is asking for Orko to perform a special trick: make his worthless son show up on time. In true “be careful what you wish for” form, Prince Adam comes crashing through the wall in the “zoom chariot”.
Not only does Prince Adam fuck everything up, he has to pull the most tired of sitcom clichés: the kid crashes the car through the house episode. The King is about to bitch slap his ass when Orko points out that he was at least on time, and this causes the King to laugh heartily, which I did not see coming. He must be in a good mood from having just gotten laid by some subjugated villager’s sweet ass or something. Prince Adam just stands there petting Cringer like a dope. You know, it just occurred to me that petting Cringer is the closest Prince Adam will ever come to stroking pussy. And that’s episode 4.
I think that this week’s moral is about not cheating and recycling plots and animation sequences, and strangely He-Man himself pops up on screen to inform us that the moral is about not trying to use the “quick way” to get ahead. In other words, cheaters never prosper. But. They just did that. I guess with this show its do as I say, not as I do. I grew up watching this shit? No wonder I’m such a sucker.
He-Man murder count: Still just 2. He better kill again soon, my trigger finger is getting itchy.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer Cringer, Battle Cat, Mat-At-Arms, Skeletor, Mer-Man<
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, Queen Marlena, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Stratos, Trap-Jaw, Tri-Klops
For the record, that I’ve noticed, they still have not used the King or Queen’s name, though the Queen is now in the credits. Small win for her. Small fail for Panthor, who is not credited, even though Battle Cat is, and I’ve yet to hear Battle Cat utter any words*.
*note Cringer talks, but Battle Cat just roars. Yet they are both credited as separate characters.