Oh, thank God. Oh, thank you, most merciful God. Orko’s magic is missing? Blessed be the day. Jesus, I hate that fucking guy. Somehow, though, I don’t think losing his magic is going to make him any less annoying. In fact, it’s debatable if he has ever really even had “magic”. Either way, he’s better off without it, trust me. I assume he wouldn’t be able to float. I’d love to watch him drag himself around on the ground all the time. Anywho, after the slowest pan ever, which starts in outer space and doesn’t end until we zoom into Orko’s room, where we find him reading from a spell book in a room surrounded with portraits of his amputee elven brethren.
As Orko studies his magical incantation, these bizarre little creatures sneak into the room unnoticed. They hide as Orko moves to the podium to perform his spell on the crystal object that sits atop it. I’m not sure what is supposed to happen, but Orko claims it’s working as a gauzy white haze surrounds the crystal. One of the bizarre creatures – a furry white one – starts bouncing all around and knocks Orko out of the way, getting caught in the suspicious gauzy haze. It shrinks and gets sucked inside the crystal. Then the crystal grows, then it explodes. Yep, that’s what happened.
Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms come in to see what all the noise is about and discover Orko under a pile of exploded rubble. I mean, this room is a mess! I told you Orko would be better off without his magic. Orko is stuck in a pot, so Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms try to pull him out from opposite ends, but only succeed in smashing their chests together a few times. Prince Adam doesn’t mind. Then Man-At-Arms smashes the pot and Orko splats out into a blob. He explains that he was working on a spell to increase his magic power (oh, please, God, no!), when it exploded. Man-At-Arms reveals that this is the third explosion he has caused this month! Anyway, Orko has to go practice a new magic trick and takes off.
Later, in front of the King and Queen, Orko is performing his new trick. Except that nothing is happening, at all. Man-At-Arms busts his balls in a really sharp tone, and Orko flies off all upset. Prince Adam and Teela show up to console him, and he sobs about how his magic is gone, so nobody is going to love him anymore. Prince Adam tells him he’s “special”, and Teela backs him up. He’s still bummed and pines for his magic. Prince Adam says he knows someone that might be able to help and leaves. We cut to Orko, hooked up to a brain scanning helmet so the Sorceress and Prince Adam can watch what happened like it’s a movie. Never mind that Orko was knocked unconscious for most of it.
Turns out that the “gronk” that jumped in there absorbed Orko’s magic. Though the crystal exploded, the Sorceress doubts the gronk was destroyed, and speculates that it probably disappeared into another dimension. She assures them that if they recover it, she can restore Orko’s magic. Orko gives the Sorceress a big sloppy hug, and she giggles politely. Of course, the task is dangerous, she informs them – the portal could close, and they could be trapped in the other dimension. Regardless of the esoteric nature of the danger, Prince Adam turns into He-Man, as if muscle could keep the magical portal open longer. He-Man tries to stop Orko from coming because he’ll just get in the way, but Orko resolves to come “help”, even though he’s just going to get in the way.
The Sorceress opens the portal, and off they go. On the other side, they find themselves in a regal looking village that also appears to be inhabited by a populous approximately the same size as smurfs. Actually, I guess it’s just poor execution of perspective on the animator’s part, because this normal sized, but abnormally two-headed guy comes out of one of the structures and accuses them of being demons, until Battle Cat attacks them, and he runs back inside. I’m sure that helped convince this mistrustful two-headed being of their good intentions. Then he pokes his heads (or is it they poke their heads?) out of two holes above the door that are way too high up and far apart for him (they) to be able to do that.
He-Man says they are not, in fact, demons and that they are here for help. Never mind the green tiger that just attacked them. The explanation is good enough for the two-headed guy, and he comes out to let them explain what a gronk is. It seems he (they) have seen the thing, but he’s pissed because this gronk has ruined everything. He-Man’s getting fed up with the really annoying way this guy (these guys?) explain things, and implores that only one of them speak, but that doesn’t happen. After some more convoluted conversation, the two-headed guy summons a pink bubble gum disk to take them to the gronk, and conveniently bring them back here to the portal when they are done. They even fly past a rainbow on their pink bubble gum disk.
They arrive at their destination, Castle Echo, and are immediately accosted by a giant blue, three-eyed ogre. He-Man tells him to mind his own fucking business, and so the ogre pokes him in the chest with his club. He-Man snatches it and snaps it in half while lecturing the ogre about manners. The ogre just tries to step on He-Man in response. He-Man continues badgering the ogre about manners as he shoves him off into the castle, resulting in a gargoyle head falling over him like a mask.
While the ogre is laid out, He-Man and friends enter the castle. Inside, they immediately find the gronk, but it’s trapped in a cage that magically zaps Orko with magic. He-Man is about to try and cut it open when a voice calls out warning that “that would not be polite”. Take that, He-Man! Behind them, a fat man in a robe appears, with a voice like Harvey Firestein and resembling something like a cross between Uncle Fester and fat Marlon Brando in the Island of Dr. Moreau. Oh, and he has four arms. He traps them all in amber cones that even He-Man doesn’t seem to be able to break.
The fat man’s name is Zalt, and he’s been using the magically empowered gronk to power his less-than-savory agenda. Apparently, magic infused gronks aren’t enough, and he seeks more magical power. He-Man tricks Zalt into taking up his magic sword and hold it up. Real quick like, He-Man says, “By the power of Grayskull!”, and the sword shocks him. For some reason, the amber cones disappear, and the cage imprisoning the gronk falls to the ground and breaks open. The gronk climbs out and licks the shit out of Orko’s face. Zalt is so angry he lifts his legs and shakes them around, then conjures a bunch of blue lion robots.
Hey, who do you think would win in a fight: a green tiger, or three blue lion robots? What about a real tiger and a real lion? I’d actually like to know – maybe you guys could post some comments and speculate. Anyway, as far as blue lions go, Battle Cat takes one of them out, He-Man takes one out, but the last has Orko and gronk pinned. That is, until He-Man throws it across the room, smashing it, which results in some more leg shaking from Zalt. He-Man and crew sprint for the exit, and are only slowed momentarily when the gate comes down and He-Man has to lift it. They take off on their pink bubble gum disk, and Zalt conjures his own grey one and goes after them.
They arrive just in time to discover the portal starting to fade. The two-headed man steps out and sees Zalt coming and teleports to safety, which is, of course, in the top of a tree. Zalt arrives and tries to stop them with energy blasts, but He-Man hits them back, knocking Zalt off his disk. As the two-headed man argues about whether they are safe from Zalt, he falls on their head, knocking them out of the tree. By the time they land, the two-headed guy is on top, and Zonk is pinned.
He-Man doesn’t wait around and they sprint for the failing portal. That is, until the gronk jumps out of Orko’s hands to go after an antlered rat. Orko goes after the gronk, and He-Man goes after Orko, saying, “Come on, fuck-wit, I knew you’d just get in the way”! Orko recovers the gronk and they head back for the portal, but it’s too late. He-Man looks down, dejected, knowing that bringing Orko along was the wrong choice. If you want something done right, do it yourself; or, at least, don’t delegate to Orko. Orko shits all over himself for being such a selfish loser when the two-headed man, who has restrained Zalt, tells them that he (they) studied the portal and can recreate it.
Oh, that’s lucky. So he says, “Presto, chango, rearango”, which sounds really familiar to me. I don’t really remember this episode, but that phrase is really standing out. Maybe because it was so stupid. So they conjure a very wide but narrow portal, roughly the shape of a horizontal 2×4. They change their phrase, and it knots up into a pretzel. He-Man suggests that they use the gronk to enhance their power, which, not surprisingly, works. This time, He-Man thanks him (them) before he leaves, but he gets all cracked up when he (they) tries to get He-Man to shake all four of their hands at once. What is with every one having four arms in this dimension?
Back at the royal palace, Orko is trying his trick again, because the King and Queen had nothing better to do than sit around all day and wait for him to come back and finish his trick. Man-At-Arms still shits all over Orko’s performance, even though his magic is working again. King Randor backs Orko up, but it’s for naught; Orko’s big finish, which is supposed to be a “brand new useful hat” for Man-At-Arms, is instead a goblet of water which “big finishes” all over Man-At-Arm’s face. Then, they all have a laugh about Orko’s magic being back to “normal”.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be that if you know an annoying, floating amputee elf that sucks at magic, and he loses that magic, you should do everything you can to stop him from getting it back. I think we also learned that every one but Orko is able to use his magic successfully. Orko comes on the screen to tell us that he was afraid that no one would like him anymore if he wasn’t a goofy buffoon. Rather, Prince Adam helped him understand that he’s “special”, which is probably why he’s a goofy buffoon.
He-Man murder count: 15 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 14
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Tic Zalt
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorcress, Queen Marlena
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Giant