It would be a real bummer for He-Man if there were eternal darkness. Not because he gets his powers from the sun like Superman – he doesn’t – but because I don’t know how he would maintain that tasteful tan of his. As his tan fades, so would his spirits, until he becomes pasty and depressed. So depressed that Skeletor can just walk in and take over. It’s kind of a brilliant plan, actually. Unless Man-At-Arms can make He-Man a tanning bed or something. Anyway, we open to Prince Adam having a nightmare. I can tell because the edges of the screen are all blurry. No, it’s not about losing his tan. Slime monsters are attacking Prince Adam and Cringer, but he can’t find his sword to turn into He-Man, and he’s really in a panic about it.
Wow! I totally just remembered something. Not about this episode, but about this dream I had when I was like, 7. I was He-Man and I was trapped in Skeletor’s castle and I couldn’t get out, and it was really scary. Oh, what? Give me a break, I was 7. Do you remember any dreams from when you were 7? I didn’t think so. I’ve since learned to control my dreams. Can you do that? Didn’t think so either. Prince Adam manages to back through a set of doors and closes them, granting him temporary asylum from the slime monsters while he runs to warn the others, only to have his path blocked by a door that magically appears to impede him. The dream fades out just in time, as Prince Adam beats on the door muttering, “There’s no way out”! We find him asleep in bed, where the peril is no greater that a bed bug bite, or getting fleas from Cringer. Cringer is thrashing on the floor as Prince Adam tosses and turns, as if they are having the same dream.
As it would turn out, everyone in the royal palace is having a nightmare. Even King Randor and Queen Marlena – who sleep in separate beds – are having nightmares. Separate beds! I knew the love was gone. As they toss and turn, the apparition of an evil looking, hooded ghoul leers at them. King Randor is muttering about how this can’t be, because Darkdream was banished! Darkdream obviously points out that he’s back. And there you have it, this episode’s villain, which is not Skeletor. Next, Darkdream appears to Man-At-Arms, whom we get to see with his helmet off, which is pretty fucking funny. Like King Randor, “Duncan” also proceeds to sleep-converse with Darkdeam about how Darkdream is back. Surely, there can’t be any confusion as to whether Darkdream is back or not.
Next, we move to Teela’s room where, like everyone else, she’s having a nightmare. Hers is about little flying demons. She shouts, “Father, help!”, in her sleep as she struggles to evade them. Please don’t tell me I’m going to have to watch Orko’s nightmare… Before I have to find out, Teela sits up revealing a sexy little slip, which in turn reveals her tummy, and I forget all about Orko. I do love me some Teela tummy. Before I get to admire her exposed stomach for too long, we have to watch Cringer and Prince Adam wake up and realize they had the same dream and conclude that Darkdream must be behind it. So everyone gathers in Man-At-Arms’ lab to work out a plan.
In some mountains somewhere, Evil-Lyn and a bushy-eyed, goateed elf guy address Darkdream as he sits on a throne, congratulating himself for heralding his return via the dreams of his enemies. He charges Evil-Lyn with the task of putting Eternia into total darkness so that he can leave his chambers. She’s pissed that she’s even there in the first place, and says she hasn’t the power enough to black out the sun. The bushy-eyed elf agrees that this would be impossible. They continue to shit on Darkdream’s plan, saying that Mr. Bushy-Eyes’ magic doesn’t work on Eternia, but Darkdream ain’t having it. He tells them to find a way, because he can only live in darkness, and he’s already planned a comeback party.
Back in the palace, rather than help develop a plan, Man-At-Arms is just being bitter, slamming his fist on the table and asking rhetorical questions about how any of this is possible. Prince Adam tries to answer them, which makes me want to punch him. Orko, who happens to be sleeping in the lab, wakes up and complains how hard it is to sleep, not because of all the Darkdream-fueled nightmares, but because of all the explosions coming from the Crimson Valley. You see, Orko has exceptional hearing, and could hear a pin drop in some random forest somewhere, which I presume is far away. Teela quickly surmises that all this mining activity must have “broken the seal” on Darkdream’s chambers. It makes sense because Teela points to a map to prove it. Prince Adam lets her do all the speculation while he stands with his hand curled effeminately against his hip.
Man-At-Arms orders Prince Adam and Teela to fly out and see if the seal on Darkdream’s chamber has indeed been broken. Prince Adam and Teela literally sprint out to a couple of sky sleds, leap on them, and take off, all in one smooth motion. In Darkdream’s chambers, Evil-Lyn and Mr. Bushy-Eyes are reporting back to Darkdream on whatever evil plan they’ve hatched. They seem to have arranged for an eclipse to occur, which will block out the sun. You see, Mr. Bushy-Eyes’ magic literally doesn’t work on Eternia, but it will work from Eternia on the moon. And, he can make the eclipse last as long as he desires, so Darkdream could go anywhere he wants, like In-N-Out, or Castle Grayskull. Sorry – by the time you read this, I’ll probably have had In-N-Out already – but right now, I’m drooling in anticipation. It’s been two years! Why can’t they open a location where I live?
Prince Adam and Teela are cruising right along at an altitude at which it would be very dangerous to fall asleep on a sky sled, when, wouldn’t you know it, Teela starts falling asleep. It’s Darkdream, appearing to her and overtaking her like tryptophan on Thanksgiving. Like a teen in a Freddy movie, Prince Adam implores her not to fall asleep. It doesn’t work, so he flies off to land and turn into He-Man. There is no way he can recycle that animation fast enough to stop her from crashing. As Teela hurls toward certain death, Prince Adam stands up and wastes time by saying, “There’s no time to lose!”, before wasting more time by recycling his transformation sequence. The only reason he makes it in time to save Teela is because Cringer wasn’t there, and so didn’t add those critical few seconds to the animation.
He-Man leaps into the air and gets onto her sky sled, steering it safely to solid ground. We fade into Teela awakening while Prince Adam watches her. She can’t figure out how she landed safely, and has doubts that Prince Adam helped her like he claims. Anyway, they have a job to do, and have conveniently landed right where they needed to be to confirm that the seal has been broken, thus verifying that Darkdream can use his powers. Yeah, I thought that was already pretty obvious since he appeared to everyone and announced his return. Down below, Mr. Bushy-Eyes is casting his spell to trigger the eclipse and the moon accordingly begins to move toward the sun.
Now back in Man-At-Arms’ lab, “Duncan” seems more interested in pouring his orange juice than listening to Prince Adam confirm that the seal is broken, and if the explosions don’t stop, they are going to blow it wide open. Man-At-Arms says they have to hurry, but before he can even finish his OJ, everyone starts floating up into the air. Orko can’t really tell the difference and asks how everyone else likes it, but they don’t care for it one bit. Just as suddenly, they all crash to the ground and Man-At-Arms lumbers around like an ape. He blames it on increased gravity, but I think it’s probably just old age, and that he didn’t get to drink his OJ.
Prince Adam notices there is an eclipse going on outside, but Man-At-Arms says there isn’t supposed to be an eclipse for two years. They quickly deduce that the moon must be out of orbit, which is what caused the gravity problems, and that it has nothing to do with Duncan’s old age. Now that the eclipse is under way, Darkdream emerges from his captivity and sets off to take over Castle Grayskull. Prince Adam notices that the moon is getting larger, and Man-At-Arms gives them a lesson in relativity, explaining that this means it’s getting closer. All this means that they must now seek the help of the Sorceress.
At Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress gazes out the window with Stratos, who was probably hanging about trying to get some bird-person on bird-person action going. The Sorceress ain’t having it, because she’s more concerned about the evil eclipse that is going on. The Sorceress turns into a falcon and flies off. Not to be left alone with blue balls, Stratos takes off after her. Just outside, they encounter Evil-Lyn, Mr. Bushy-Eyes, and Darkdream. Stratos snatches Evil-Lyn’s wand and tosses it to the Sorceress. However, before she can escape, Darkdream’s “netherbats” capture the falcon Sorceress and return the wand to Evil-Lyn, who in turn captures Stratos.
Prince Adam, Teela and Man-At-Arms come upon Castle Grayskull and discover Darkdream giving everybody trouble. They land and are all like, “Dude, what the fuck do you think you’re doing”? Haughtily, Darkdream asks what they think of his eclipse. Man-At-Arms is like, “You stupid son of a bitch, you moved the moon out of orbit, and now it’s heading for all of us”! Darkdream realizes the peril he is also in and turns to question Mr. Bushy-Eyes, who admits that he fucked up because he’s as good at magic as Orko is.
Man-At-Arms spots the Sorceress and suggests to Prince Adam that they need to get her to help them, but Prince Adam points out she’s been captured. Man-At-Arms figures they have to tell Darkdream so he will release her, but this would require them to reveal that Zoar the falcon is really the Sorceress, and they can’t do that. The Sorceress speaks to them telepathically and confirms that they better-fucking-not reveal her secret. They must find another way to solve the problem, but the moon draws ever nearer, and Man-At-Arms can’t think straight because he didn’t have his OJ. It’s brain food, you know.
Prince Adam comes up with a plan; as He-Man, he can use the Hydroxin, the powerful explosive that started this whole mess, by exploding it in the atmosphere to push the moon back out into it’s orbit, while hopefully not just blowing the moon up all together. Evil-Lyn splits, leaving Darkdream high and dry, so he cuts his losses and breaks for the unoccupied wind raider to make his escape. Teela tries to stop him, but Darkdream just puts her to sleep. Man-At-Arms distracts Darkdream while Prince Adam runs off to transform, then he blows up the wind raider to stop Darkdream from escaping.
Having found some privacy, Prince Adam turns into He-Man. He-Man takes the extra time to transform Battle Cat, and even to mount him, strike a pose and get a superfluous roar out of him. After all that’s out of the way, He-Man scoops up the sleeping Teela and races uphill with her. Darkdream shakes his fist, insisting that he can stop He-Man. He-Man responds, “Dream on, Darkdream”. Meanwhile, Man-At-Arms, having been captured by netherbats, mutters about their fate resting with He-Man, while the Sorceress apologizes that she can’t help out on account of being a falcon.
He-Man reaches the top of the mountain just as Teela wakes up. She pours some Hydroxin, which she just so happens to have a canister of, into a hole He-Man makes in a boulder. She pours it extra carefully, because I guess if she pours it wrong it will blow up? Anyway, He-Man throws the boulder and it explodes in the atmosphere. How exactly he detonated it at the desired moment, I don’t know. It works, and the moon moves away from Eternia and unblocks the sun. When the sun touches Darkdream, he flashes and then disappears because the sun is his weakness. I don’t know guys, I think that just killed him. I’m counting that as a murder!
Back in Eternia, Man-At-Arms comments on what a nice, sunny day it is, and suggests they enjoy it. Orko proposes a picnic, and magically produces a picnic basket from his hat, which is followed by a thunderstorm that rains all over Man-At-Arms’ good cheer. Orko traps him in a bubble and takes off before Duncan can kill him.
Time for this week’s moral! I’m not really sure what this one is going to be about. This will probably be one of those weeks where the moral is something completely different. What else would it be? If you don’t like the sun you’re an evil dick? Don’t mess with the moon’s orbit? Teela comes on screen to tell us that in today’s episode, she had a bad dream, and that if you have bad dreams it’s okay, and you should tell an adult. I should have seen that coming, but before I can beat myself up too much, there is a repeat showing of Teela sitting up in her slip. And with that, I’m off to have one of those controlled dreams I mentioned. See you there, Teela.
He-Man murder count: 16 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 15
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Tavor
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Man-At-Arms, Darkdream
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress
Lou Shceimer: Orko, King Randor, Stratos