I’m starting to think that Eternia has just as many ancient ruins that are being guarded by ancient beings as they do random palaces. One thing I’m certain of is that Skeletor will not be in this episode, as it will clearly be about the “Keeper of the Ancient Ruins”. We open with a slow pan over some desert ruins, which I’m pretty sure is the same drawing of ruins that they stopped at in the “House of Shokoti Pt. 1” to find a guide to take them to the pyramid.
Inside a structure that seems way too intact to be one of the ruins we just saw in the establishing shot, Man-At-Arms is hanging out with a midget Einstein and helping him with his scientific expedition. He pours something into his little canister, which he says is a converter that turns sand and chemicals into food. What he removes and eats sure as fuck looks like a piece of shit to me. He says, “It looks terrible, but tastes good, and it’s filled with healthy protein”! Yeah, well, I still think I’ll pass.
Mini-Einstein isn’t very impressed either and invites Man-At-Arms over to see the ancient book he found behind a loose brick. The Book of Ancient Eternia has been lost for centuries, and “Professor Smallen”, is pretty fucking stoked to have it translated. He radios to Teela so she can interface the “langua-computer” over the radio. I guess that’s because computers in the 80s were so big, and the writers of this show are so unimaginative, that they couldn’t dream up a “langua-computer” that was small enough that they could just bring it with them, instead of interfacing it over a radio. Either that, or Linda Gary is contracted for a certain amount of lines per episode. But, that doesn’t make any sense, because she does every female voice on this show.
Before they even get started, a bunch 0f vault doors open and a number of 1,000-year-old robots come out to assault them. That is not fair! At least the demons in Evil Dead waited until they said the ancient words before they attacked! Speaking of which, are you excited for the remake? I am! Too bad I’ll have to wait for Bluray to see the unrated version, since the theatrical release got an NC-17 rating and is being cut back to R. Anyway, why are there 1,000-year-old robots? Never mind whether or not they had the technology to make them, in a world so full of magic, what would drive the need to innovate robots to do something I’m sure magic could have accomplished?
In Eternia, Orko is annoying Prince Adam and Cringer with a magic trick because Teela is up in the radio room, which leads to Cringer eating some waxed fruit or something. Upstairs, Teela is freaking out because she heard an explosion before the radio transmission suddenly stopped. The guardsmen dismiss her women’s intuition, on account of the fact that they don’t have hard-ons. They see so little military action because Teela and He-Man are always taking care of everything, that if there had been an explosion, they would get an erection. Since they don’t have erections, there must not have been an explosion.
A storm is brewing in the desert, so there is no hope of getting radio communications back, so Teela takes off in a huff to investigate personally. Prince Adam wanders in and the guardsman mention that Teela ran off to the desert, so Prince Adam goes after her. Prince Adam catches up with Teela before she takes off and convinces her to bring him along as a navigator. Cringer tries to fake sick on account of having eaten wax fruit, but Prince Adam won’t let him stay behind. I hope he pukes on Prince Adam on the ride, it would serve him right.
Back in the ruins, the robots are playing 20 questions with Man-At-Arms and Professor Smallen, demanding to know why they are there. The professor explains they are not there to steal the ancient treasure, only to catalog it and leave it where it is. Man-At-Arms tries to impress them with his poop-making machine, but the robots are not interested in masticating on some excrement, only in protecting the ancient treasure. In that interest, they move to surround Professor Smallen, so he and Man-At-Arms take off running.
Prince Adam consults a map, even though the mentioned entering coordinates in a nav system before, as the storm rages into the open-topped wind raider. They don’t seem to mind that they’re getting drenched. I’m trying to figure out why it’s pouring rain and lightening in the desert. I mean it happens, but a sand storm seems much more likely. Either way, why the Hell doesn’t the wind raider have a top to it? Despite Teela’s piloting and Prince Adam’s navigation prowess, they struggle to stay on course in the storm and lose control of the craft.
At Snake Mountain, where Skeletor just so happens to not be around, Trap Jaw has observed a crash out in the desert on the radar. He gets the idea that he should check it out, all by himself. Elsewhere, Prince Adam, Teela, and Cringer seem to have crashed in a cave some how, conveniently out of the rain. Prince Adam and Teela are unconscious until Cringer wakes Prince Adam up. Prince Adam can’t rouse Teela and decides she’s hurt and he needs to move her. Actually, dude, she could have a spinal injury, and you should leave her where she is.
Prince Adam tries to get up so he can move Teela, but he discovers his legs are pinned. He determines that He-Man could escape, though. I wonder, if his femurs were shattered in the accident, would turning into He-Man would heal them? Whether or not his legs were broken, the recycled animation rolls and He-Man breaks loose, ruining the dashboard, and recovers Teela from the wind raider, laying her gently on the ground, then stares at her until she wakes up. She tries to talk, but He-Man shushes her because she’s hit her head, and it’s not good to talk. But it’s okay to move her when she could have a spinal injury from the crash.
He-Man laments aloud that his powers can’t heal her, and he calls to the Sorceress for the wisdom of Grayskull. The Sorceress appears to him, looking very concerned. She promises assistance, and then suddenly a mystical bird flies in. It’s eyes strobe as it gets really close to Teela and stares at her. Then, suddenly, Prince Adam knows what to do to fix her concussion, though he doesn’t say what it is. With that, He-Man and Battle Cat run off to find Man-At-Arms and the Professor. Upon arriving at the ruins, He-Man announces that they have reached the eye of the storm, and then the weather clears up, in that order. I’m pretty sure that only hurricanes have an eye of the storm, and I’m damn sure they don’t have hurricanes in the desert.
He-Man has spoken a little too soon, because the eye of that storm clenches up like Billy Superstar’s butt hole does whenever Michelle says or does anything on Full House. Suddenly, a great whirlwind crops up that is so strong that He-Man and Battle Cat have to grab onto some temple columns until the eye of the storm passes over them again. He-Man concludes that if there are ruins about, there must be caverns underneath (what?), and when the eye passes over again, he runs out and cuts a bit circle in the ground. Battle Cat asks what he’s doing (while still clinging to a temple column), and He-Man explains that he’s making a trap for the storm. What the fuck ever, it makes as much sense as anything ever does on this show.
When the storm’s butt hole clenches again, He-Man spins the circle he cut open, which, for some reason, causes the storm to crawl on the desert floor like worm until it falls into the pit, then He-Man pivots the circle closed again, thus trapping the storm in the underground caverns. Did you know one time I sucked up a tornado with a shop-vac? True story. Having stopped the storm, they see flashing lights coming from within one of the temples and run to investigate.
Inside, the 1,000-year-old robots zap Professor Smallen, despite his pleas for mercy, and turn him into plaster or something. Man-At-Arms hides before the robots get him, and they scurry around in a tizzy trying to find him until two of them crash into each other. One of them is seriously injured from the impact and falls over with all kinds of extension cords protruding from his chest. Man-At-Arms gets a little chubby when he smells the spilled oil – the blood of robots – and pops out of his hiding spot. He offers to help fix the fallen robot, which confuses the others because they were trying to kill him just a moment ago. I guess their programming doesn’t understand fetishes.
Man-At-Arms tells them that he’ll need his tools. They think about it for way too long, which is represented by flashing lights on their chest as they stare at each other. Rather than having one of the three of them go get the tools, they tell Man-At-Arms that they cannot allow him to leave, and blast him, turning him to plaster. Wow, I actually thought these 1,000 year old robots were going to be portrayed as having human emotion and sympathy, and then do something cold like that. Sometimes this show really throws me for a loop.
Outside the cave where Teela is passed out, Trap Jaw is consulting a map and decides that he’s arrived at the site of the wreckage. He must be a pretty good cartographer to translate that simple radar screen into a topographical map and arrive at the correct cave without error! Who knew he was so smart? Inside the cave, the mysterious mystical bird is fanning its wings at Teela to keep her cool. Awww, how sweet. Teela is suddenly feeling much better, stands up, and dismisses the bird. How unfortunate, what with Trap Jaw right outside.
So, Teela seems all better. What was it that He-Man thought he had to do to save her? I know he doesn’t have feathers, but I’m sure he could fan her pretty effectively, if that’s all it took. The instant the bird leaves, Trap Jaw comes in waving a gun around. Teela is feeling so good, she makes a catty quip before drawing her sword against him. That’s all she gets to do, because he easily blasts the sword out of her hand and captures her. He ties her up so he can stare at her ass, and I don’t mind a bit.
At the temple, those sneaky robots have retrieved Man-At-Arms’ toolbox, then unfreeze him so he can fix their friend. Well, I guess I judged those robots too soon. As Man-At-Arms is attempting to fix the robot, He-Man stumbles in and draws his sword against the robots. Man-At-Arms yells for him to stop, but He-Man’s confused, and asks, “Are they friend, or enemy”? Lord knows He-Man has slain many a robot without a second thought, yet when Man-At-Arms explains that he’s He-Man, the robots are all like, “Oh, yeah, we know who he is, he’s programmed in our memory banks – He-Man is a friend to all”. Okay, what? These 1,000-year-old robots know who he is? Is he supposed to be that old? Did Queen Marlena give birth to a full grown 1,000-year-old muscle man and think nothing of it? What the fuck is happening here?
Trap Jaw crashes the party with Teela in tow and threatens to blow away all the robots. He-Man begs him not to, but Trap Jaw calls him out on being a hypocrite. Man-At-Arms warns the robots to get out of the way as He-Man takes on Trap Jaw. As they fight, Battle Cat sneaks over and chews through Teela’s bonds. With Teela now free, they surround Trap Jaw and subdue him. One of the robots then helpfully plaster-izes him. At Man-At-Arms’ request, the robots revive the professor. Man-At-Arms gets back to fixing the fallen robot. He-Man pretends to feel sorry for Trap Jaw, but only so he can set up a crack about sending him to the prison mines.
Later, they all stand around on the steps to a temple as the professor talks about what a fun day he had cataloging ancient pottery with the robots. I can’t understand why he’s more excited about ancient pottery than 1,000-year-old robots, but I guess I’m just weird like that. Man-At-Arms says it’s time to go, so one of the robots offers him one of the vases. Man-At-Arms refuses it, and insists that it be longs in a remote desert ruin “for all to see”, never mind that the robot’s job is to kill those that come to fuck with all these “ancient treasures”. They promise to come back and make a museum out of the place, and one of the robots sheds a fucking tear. I’m not even kidding.
Man-At-Arms and Professor Smallen leave in their wind raider, and Teela walks back to her busted one. What the fuck is that about? Man-At-Arms – her adoptive father – just leaves her stranded with a busted wind raider? She finds Prince Adam leaning against it uselessly, and he claims he’s been fixing it the whole time. Except that he hasn’t, and it’s busted, if not from the crash, then from when He-Man ripped the whole fucking dash panel out of it to free himself. So, seriously, how are they going to fucking leave? And yet, they just fly off in a perfectly functional wind raider while Teela babbles about treasures and Trap Jaw and robots and Prince Adam pretends to be interested.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how if you wrote kids’ shows in the 80s, you didn’t have to try and make them make any sense, at all, and could just make up shit like hurricanes in the desert with roving eyes that can be trapped underground, without any responsibility to include even a modicum of reality. As long as there is a cheesy, trite “moral” at the end. He-Man comes on the screen and tells us that we should go to museums to get worldly knowledge, and then we’ll be smart and powerful, because knowledge is powerful, and it will make you smart. Did I mention powerful? Fabulous secret powers.
He-Man murder count: 16 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 16
Wow, the number of episodes from which Skeletor is missing have caught up to the number of Murders He-Man has commited!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Professor Smallen, Alpha
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Beta
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Royal Guard Kappa