This right here marks the 52nd episode of He-Man Reviewed, counting the two part Christmas special, of course. I can’t believe it’s been a year, but more than that I can’t believe I have over a year yet left to go! There are still 15 episodes left this season, 65 more in the next season, another two-part special and a four-part review of the live action movie. Then, if I really wanted to secure my spot on the funny farm, there is still the 90s incarnation, and the 00s reboot as well, which just went up on my favorite streaming service. However, I am only promising to write through the live action movie, unless I can discover some fabulous secret powers of my own, but, by then, I’m not sure I’ll have the will to carry on, or live, for that matter.
At first I was thinking that “Temple of the Sun” was the opening track of Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire, but then I remembered that it’s “People of the Sun”. Either way, I’d rather be listening to Zach’s shrieky snarls than Prince Adam’s nasally drone. After the intro, I’m spared of it for a moment while I get to enjoy watching a scraggly hippie crawling through the desert, dying of thirst. Suddenly, he looks up and notices that he’s finally found the Temple of the Sun, which is big enough that it really should have been pretty obvious for quite some time before he reached this point.
The hippie babbles like a homeless man, saying, “it has to be here”, over and over. He touches a button on top of the main pyramid and falls inside, then stumbles around, continuing his muttering. He finds a pile of treasures and just tosses them all aside as he continues looking for I-don’t-know-what. Ten bucks says it’s an ancient artifact that will unleash a forgotten or legendary evil that He-Man then has to stop. Finally, he finds “the scarab”, and his eyes dart back and forth and he cackles like a mad junkie.
He takes the scarab into the sun and demands that it make him strong. Then, it does as he asked and turns him into a colorful Egyptian-esque pharaoh or something. Whatever he is, he is definitely an ancient evil that He-Man is going to have to stop. You can pay me that ten bucks via my Paypal. There’s a handy donate button on the sidebar.
At the Palace, Man-At-Arms and Prince Adam are ripping on Orko, even though he’s not around. He’s actually at Castle Grayskull so that they can test out Man-At-Arms’ new com system. Orko has forgotten all about it, and gets spooked when he hears Man-At-Arms’ voice, then he thinks that Man-At-Arms has turned invisible. Then he remembers what he is actually doing there, and takes out the communicator, but not before he tosses a whole bunch of ridiculous junk out of his hat.
What happens next is a conversation that was so confusing I had to listen to it twice. So Prince Adam wants Orko to talk to the Sorceress (Orko is excited so they can trade magic, which makes Cringer snicker), but she’s not there yet. Inexplicably, she’s still flying over the Sands of Time. She should be there soon, as long as, Man-At-Arms says, “nothing delays her”, which is a really loaded comment, because you know that the Temple of the Sun can only be located in the Sands of Time, and some shit is going to go down.
And, so, nobody should be surprised when the evil pharaoh starts testing his magical new dominion over the wind (he makes a tornado), creatures of the land (he makes a regular scorpion giant), and creatures of the air (he drops the passing Zoar the Falcon from the fucking sky). He decides the falcon he nearly just killed is a good omen, and will be the “symbol of his kingdom”, and runs off to stitch a flag together with a cool orange falcon on it.
At the palace, Teela is trying to best Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms in feats of gymnastics, and in that spirit, she launches off the pommel horse, flips over two hurdles, then treats us not only to her famous squatting landing, but also to an extended, lingering shot of her fine, firm ass. You know, I was actually pretty sure Prince Adam would beat her at gymnastics, but he trips over the pommel horse and flies face-first into the two hurdles. I should have seen that coming since he is so clumsy, but I let the way he dresses fool me into thinking that he could do some gymnastics.
Man-At-Arms and Cringer just shake their head at Prince Adam and Teela leaves, but not before scolding him for being such a failure. Then Prince Adam gets a psychic distress call form Zoar, and not once does Man-At-Arms feel bad for jinxing her. She proceeds to have a conversation with Prince Adam and exposit everything that just happened to her while the pharaoh conjures himself a golden throne to sit on.
Prince Adam resolves to rescue her, and Cringer bitches and moans about how much he hates sand, until Prince Adam recycles some animation. Then a miracle happens, something I never thought was possible. Cringer interrupts the recycled animation just before He-Man forces him to turn into Battle Cat, and is like, “Cut the shit, muscle-head. I hate turning into Battle Cat, and every time you make me, something bad happens. You can fuck right the Hell off”. Even further to my surprise, He-Man acknowledges how much Cringer hates it, agrees not to transform him, and allows him to come along as Cringer.
At the Temple of the Sun, the once homeless pharaoh babbles, as they are inclined, to the falcon. Something is missing from his “reign”, and it’s a sand army. So, he makes a bunch of sand monsters. He-Man and Man-At-Arms make their way through the desert in Attak Trak while Cringer complains about everything. They arrive and are attacked by the cyclone the pharaoh conjured. It picks up Cringer, but He-Man uses that nifty trick of his where he spools up the whirlwind by moving his sword in circles, then tosses it into space. Cringer is so annoyed by all the sand in is eyes, ears, and mouth that he requests to be turned into Battle Cat. That’s it? That’s all it took, was some sand? Cringer even says he will hate himself for making the request, but he’s such a pussy, that he can’t take the sand in his vagina.
No sooner has He-Man turned Cringer into Battle Cat, when that giant scorpion shows up. He-Man charges Man-At-Arms and Battle Cat with keeping it busy while he executes a plan. He swirls his hands over the sand really fast while bantering with Man-At-Arms about how sand is made of silicone, and if you heat it to it’s melting point, it turns to glass. And so, with his hand friction, he makes a big glass sheet out of the sand, then cracks it into quadrants, and tosses those around the scorpion to capture it. That has to be the most convoluted and asinine way to subdue an enemy, ever.
Inside, the pharaoh continues to conjure his “sand demon” army, which are “hard as rock”. He babbles incoherently about it to his falcon when Zoar bites through her chains and flies through the skylight, only to be turned into diamond by the pharaoh before she can truly escape. The diamond falcon falls back inside the temple where the pharaoh puts her on display. Then he gets all sleepy from making a bunch of sand demons and sits down on his throne to saw some logs. Before he can fall asleep, He-Man comes busting through the wall and interrupts his nap time.
The bum-turned-pharaoh does not feel threatened by He-Man at all, maybe because He-Man asks really politely for the falcon to be turned back into a bird from a diamond. The sand demons attack and He-Man dutifully kills them all. I can’t even count how many he destroyed. The pharaoh just stands there gaping like an idiot. Two of them are made of “really hard sand” (um, isn’t that called glass?) and require He-Man to hit them three times each, which is really just made up the same sequence of already recycled animation, played twice in a row.
The bum-pharaoh tries to blast He-Man with his scarab, but Man-At-Arms snags it with a lasso from above, then tosses it to He-Man. He-Man lectures the pharaoh about having chosen to use his powers for evil, then breaks the scarab with his power sword, thus turning him back into a bum. Rags to riches to rags. Speaking of which, Trading Places was a way better movie. You get to see a young Jamie Lee Curtis nude. I don’t care if she (allegedly) has a penis. I would have said yes. Not now that she’s in all those Activia commercials – regular bowel movements are healthy, but not sexy- but back in the day, sure!
Wait, what was I saying? Back at Castle Grayskull, Prince Adam laments having had to destroy the scarab. Cringer dismisses it as evil, but the Sorceress clarifies that it wasn’t the scarab that was evil, it was the bum who wielded it. Ok so it wasn’t exactly an ancient evil force, but you could still donate your ten bucks. Anyway, The Sorceress has restored it, and now it is a bird fountain that the bum will have to landscape until the end of time, as punishment. Isn’t that kind of like making a heroin addict work at a methadone clinic?
It’s time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how rags to riches to rags stories are always better when your have hermaphrodite titties in them. There weren’t any hermaphrodite titties in this episode, though Teela is pretty muscular and squatted her ass for us, it wasn’t as good of an episode as if it would have had hermaphrodite titties in it. Come on, you know you’re curious. Expand your horizon, it’s the best of both worlds. Instead, He-Man tells us that being a leader requires responsibility, but so does being a follower. So, just because Hitler told you to kill all those Jews doesn’t mean you should have listened to him.
He-Man murder count: 16 and 1 attempted murder (I’m not counting all those sand demon kills because, well, I can’t. There were just too many.)
Episodes missing Skeletor: 18
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Nepthu
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Attak Trak