This is it. Well, I don’t mean, like, it’s the last post “this is it”. Unfortunately, as I have been painfully aware lately, there is more than a year left to go. No, what I mean is this is it, the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of He-Man Reviewed. I’ve written a new post every week, for a year! Join me at the bottom of the episode (after the IMDB Cast List) for a special anniversary treat.
Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I think “City Beneath the Sea” sounds like a magical Prom theme, which would be a fun way to start the next year of the project, if only I had a date. Maybe Prince Adam will ask me to go with him, and before I can answer him, Teela asks me to go, and amusing high jinks and misunderstandings would ensue. What has happened to me? I’m day dreaming about a He-Man Prom… kill me, now.
The episode appropriately opens with a ship sailing on the ocean. Suddenly, a whirlpool opens up and pulls the ship under. In the throne room, a naval commander that looks like Sam Elliot is reporting the lost ship to King Randor and Man-At-Arms. Man-At-Arms is trying to give serious ponderance to the situation, but he keeps getting distracted by this obnoxious laughter. It turns out the laughter is coming from two floosies being chased down the hall by a blind-folded Prince Adam. What? Oh my god, I’m having a heart attack! Well, this year certainly is off to an interesting start.
Oh, I know what’s going on. He’s putting on a show to throw his father from his the trail. Unfortunately, King Randor is a little homophobic, and Prince Adam just does not feel free to come out of the closet. It’s a real shame. Nobody should have to hide who they are. Except Twilight fans. Prince Adam hangs his head in shame as King Randor scolds him for being a buffoon, and then storms off in anger. Man-At-Arms takes the opportunity to tell Prince Adam about the missing ship, since he was rude enough to interrupt the whole thing, and because King Randor seems to have lost interest.
Later, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms are hanging out aboard Man-At-Arms’ fancy crew-less ship. There have, apparently, been so many disappearances that they can’t spare the extra crew, so they have to use an automated ship. Man-At-Arms further boasts about his new invention the soloscope, and explains how it works, which is exactly like sonar. Good job inventing sonar, Duncan. He’s going to use it with a decoy ship to figure out what is sucking up their naval fleet. So, Prince Adam “volunteers”, in front of his father, to go with Man-At-Arms on his voyage. King Randor waffles a little bit, but ultimately decides he is impressed with the request and agrees to let Prince Adam go along, on account of the lack of sea men on the ship.
Prince Adam is back on the ship with Man-At-Arms, this time actually out at sea. Pretty immediately, they come up with an image on the soloscope revealing the City Beneath the Sea. It would really be cool if this turned out to be like Bioshock. A long pole with a spiral propeller on it raises up from the city, which starts spinning, creating a whirlpool. The whirlpool in turn creates some big waves, which thrash the ship and get Prince Adam’s hair wet. Nobody, but nobody, messes with Prince Adam’s coiffeur. Between that and the obvious peril that Man-At-Arms is in, he has more than enough reason to turn into He-Man. So, he takes the time to recycle some animation while a huge sheet of scrap metal is about to fall on Man-At-Arms.
No sooner has He-Man rescued Man-At-Arms than the ship swirls down the whirlpool. I guess Man-At-Arm’s decoy ship didn’t work so well. We don’t really get to find out how they got in, because the show cuts for commercial, but when it comes back, He-Man and Man-At-Arms are coughing on the floor of a chamber in the City Beneath the Sea. They are confronted by fish people, and Man-At-Arms realizes that they must be in Aquatica, which, you guessed it, they thought was just a legend. They agree to go with the fish people peacefully (though He-Man has his proverbial fingers crossed), and so they all ride on a people mover though a gem encrusted hall.
After a considerably long time, they arrive in front of the Fish King, who demands to know why he’s being bothered with these “surface people”. You know, since this population seems to consist of humanoid fish, I can’t figure out why their city is in glass domes, which keep the water out. Anyway, He-Man turns the tables and demands to know why these smelly fish people have been attacking their ships. The Fish King claims that it is the surface people that have been attacking them! Just then a horn blows, heralding the arrival of the Ruler of Aquatica. I guess the man I thought was the Fish King is just an emissary or something. They are all made to bow as the actual ruler comes in, and it turns out to be none other than Mer-Man.
Mer-Man’s plan is to keep sinking ships until Eternia is his. I think he’s missing a step or two there, but whatever. It’s not like he’s going to be successful. He-Man, Battle Cat, and Man-At-Arms take care of the fish people army easily enough. They turn to make a move on Mer-Man, but he wields the “pearl of power” on them, which apparently will partially mummify whomever it is used against. He-Man and crew are taken to the coliseum where the same animation of them struggling in their bonds from only moments ago is recycled. Mer-Man gets the crowd all riled up, telling them these are the evil surface dwellers that have stolen their fishy Princess.
His story is so ridiculous that Man-At-Arms and He-Man figure that the fishy populace must only believe it because Mer-Man is using the magic pearl to hypnotize them into believing him. Either way, they are pretty excited to see this giant lobster come out to fuck them up. It does a pretty good job at first, but the longer He-Man and friends hold out, the more Mer-Man’s emissary stokes his beard in suspicion of Mer-Man. He-Man bests the giant lobster and tosses it on Mer-Man, buying them some time to escape. After witnessing his successful escape, the Emissary strokes his beard and reveals his inner monologue. Through this expository device, he tells us that He-Man is the one he has been looking for and takes off to go double deal with him.
Just as it seems the fish army has caught up with, and cornered, He-Man, the Emissary rescues them and beckons them to follow him. As he takes them away in an underwater craft, the Emissary admits that Mer-Man stashed the Princess to get everyone riled up against the surface people. They think it’s kind of fucked up that he went along with it when he’s not hypnotized like everyone else, but the Emissary is like, “Whatever, we don’t like surface people anyway, but, will you help me rescue the Princess”? Sucker that he is, He-Man agrees to battle the giant monster and rescue the fishy Princess.
They find the fishy Princess pretty easily, but she’s not a mermaid, and she’s not a fish person… Maybe this is why they keep the city dry. She seems to just be a green surface dweller. As He-Man announces his intention to rescue her, the monster pops up out of the water and threatens them. He-Man pulls his favorite trick, as of late, and flips the monster onto its back. But that doesn’t really last, so he murders it under a pile of rocks, which are his favorite murder weapon. The Princess is eager to help He-Man overthrow Mer-Man, which is as easy as standing there while He-Man literally spins him out of the throne. Then, she uses the pearl of power (clitoris metaphor anyone?) to free her people’s minds.
Mer-Man isn’t through yet, and he runs off to have his revenge. He activates the whirlpool with the intention of taking the whole city down. The Princess doesn’t even think that He-Man can save them, but he starts shoving at the support beam on the outer dome until he’s got it spinning counter clockwise. This, of course, counteracts the whirlpool, which might as well turn back time too, for all Superman: The Movie cares. The counterforce causes the whirlpool machine to explode, which doesn’t hurt the underwater dome at all. He-Man fights through his dizziness and negotiates a peace treaty with the fishy Princess.
Time for this week’s moral! It think it’s going to be about, now that they’ve negotiated peace and the city is safe, and now that I’ve found out that the fishy Princess doesn’t have a cold mermaid vagina, they should host a Prom with a City Under the Sea theme (they’ll save a little money there) so I can bring Teela as my date (what, you thought I was going to pick Prince Adam? Okay, I thought about it, but I’m just not that gay) and then wrangle both her and the fishy Princess into bed, as long as the fishy Princess doesn’t smell fishy. Instead, Man-At-Arms says that you shouldn’t judge a person by how they look. Then Orko shows up and says it’s the insides that count. The squishy, squishy insides.
He-Man murder count: 17 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 19
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Shelandor
Alan Oppenheimer: Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: Various
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Orn the Eternian Minister of Trade, Aquatican
Really? Linda Gary gets only gets a “various”? Well, there was only one female character in this episode, so you figure it out.
On to the special anniversary treat I promised you. So, as the readership of the blog has grown, I have been increasingly and constantly amused by the Google search terms that have led people to this blog (okay, it’s probably just guys). I thought it was time I share some of them with you. Here, in descending order, are the top 20 most popular search terms that lead web surfers to He-Man Reviewed, and hopefully hooked them for life:
20. money shot gif
19. he man teela
18. he man gifs
17. he man porn
16. sweet penis
15. teela he man
13. he-man reviewed
11. ass gif
10. horse porn
9. castle grayskull
8. laugh gif
6. he-man gif
5. anal rape
4. he man gif
3. he man
1. anal beads
Yes, number one, by far, is anal beads. There are many other funny ones that aren’t as popular, but are very amusing: anal, sexy gif, masturbate, tickling gif, skeletor fuck queen, he-man porn, he man teela sex, anal quest, ass lock, gay hair, fabulous secret powers, fucked up shit, teela gagged, ass rape, anal ass. I could go on, but you get the idea… Thanks for making it a great year! Here’s to another… I guess.