Could it be? Could He-Man n’ crew have they shizzle together n’ not half-ass they way ta victory? Could they muthafuckin gots a “Game Plan”? Read on. Out up in a gangbangin’ forest, Pimp Adam is chiselin away at a funky-ass boulder, tryin ta make his own David sculpture so his schmoooove ass can gots a phat excuse ta peep naked ding-a-ling all day. Teela shows up n’ asks what tha fuck he’s sculptin yo, but Pimp Adam won’t tell. Somehow, dis leadz ta Orko pullin a wack magic trick dat he fucks up. Then, Man-At-Arms shows up n’ be all like, “Pimp Adam, dis laser ray I made shizzle will make sculptin easier”. What a gangbangin’ fuckin circus! I mean, straight-up hommie!
Overhead, a pair of lil hooded pimps dat straight fuckin resemble tha Jawas from Star Wars spy on tha royal buffoons. Pimp Adam tries up tha laser ray yo, but since mah playas is watchin now, instead of makin David, he make Orko, which be a pimpin’ phallic rendizzle yo, but much mo’ subtle. This sculptin ray make tha sculpture pretty much up in one shot, so it’s straight-up mo’ like a 3D printer, so shit be easy, all da time. Man-At-Arms then reveals it’s not muthafuckin fo’ sculpting, it’s straight-up a straight-up bangin n’ fucked up laser (set ta low power, of course), n’ it’s a thugged-out damn phat thang they tested it up here up in tha middle if nowhere so no muthafucka knows bout dat shit. Especially lil Jawa rip-offs.
What happens next is straight-up confusing. Da two Jawa dudes turn n’ peep eachother, lasers come outta they eyes which merge tha fuck into one beam. Then we cut ta dis oldschool villain type playa wit long, white hair, n’ he’s seated at some kind of giant computer console playin a vizzle game? Da game is straight-up bizarre, n’ then it requests dat he “insert a subject ta begin play”, which tha oldschool playa translates fo’ us, n’ means he needz a “victim” ta play tha game wit his muthafuckin ass. Dude goes all up in a portal machine, which make his ass come outta tha Jawa’s laser beam, thus overlookin tha crew as Teela takes a turn shootin dis dangerous, fucked up laser.
Like dem high school boys is gonna do while pissin at a urinal, tha long haired playa gives Teela a shove which a magic blast, just as her big-ass booty shoots tha laser, which causes her ta spray it all over tha place. Instead of gettin piss on her dungarees, her big-ass booty shoots a hole clear all up in a mountain. Instead of lookin up ta peep whoz ass blasted Teela up in tha back, none of dem seem ta realize what tha fuck happened, n’ Man-At-Arms is like, “you ain’t peeped shit, dat laser can do way mo’ than that”! Then, like tha Road Runner, Pimp Adam runs off ta go check up tha freshly smoked up tunnel.
Da long haired oldschool playa muttas bout how tha fuck Man-At-Arms is wastin his wild lil’ freakadelic smart-ass ta do only good, then has tha Jawas “power” his ass wit they laser eyes n’ jumps down ta confront everyone. Man-At-Arms don’t even know whoz ass tha playa is, which is evidenced when da perved-out muthafucka says, “who is you”? Dude reveals his dirty ass ta be Negator, masta of all power, n’ dat schmoooove muthafucka has come fo’ Man-At-Arms’ laser beam, n’ Man-At-Arms. Duncan says no, so Negator has a hissy n’ blasts tha freshly smoked up tunnel closed yo, but it’s aiiight cuz Pimp Adam can just strutt up tha other side. Inside tha tunnel, Pimp Adam takes dis moment of privacy ta turn up in ta He-Man yo, but Cringer be all like, “not tonight, dopeie, I gots a head-ache” yo, but he gets turned tha fuck into Battle Cat anyway.
Negator challenges Duncan ta “say ‘NO’ again”, which make me wish I was watchin Pulp Fiction instead. Negator balks at Man-At-Arms’ continued defiizzle n’ ruptures a thugged-out damn. When da ruffneck do so, tha ubiquitous pumpkin patch from nuff muthafuckin episodes ago shows up outta nowhere ta it can git flooded as Teela n’ Man-At-Arms runs away. I swear dis is tha only animation they bust ta depict flooding. He-Man shows up, causin some shizzle fo’ Negator, so Negator wisely takes off. He-Man then uses a giant boulder ta stop tha flooding. Don’t ask thangs.
Back all up in tha Royal Palace, one of tha Captain’s Guardz wit suspiciously bushy eyebrows knocks on Teela’s door n’ drops some lyrics ta her dat Pimp Adam wants her ta hook up his ass up in tha Valley of tha Desert, n’ his schmoooove ass can’t say why, n’ dat freaky freaky biatch has ta hurry. Teela knows enough ta realize her dope ass don’t recognize dis playa yo, but not enough ta plainly peep dat it’s Negator bustin a guardsman’s suit. Havin so easily fallen fo’ tha ruse, Teela goes struttin off right tha fuck into his cold-ass trap.
Out up in tha desert, Teela is gettin sick of lookin fo’ Pimp Adam, n’ her sky sled starts hustlin outta batteries. Before dat thugged-out biiiatch can turn back, Negator, whoz ass is watchin her on a monitor, make his wild lil’ fuckin eye glow red, which apparently has tha effect of controllin tha sky sled, leadin her right ta his muthafuckin ass. Man-At-Arms is tinkerin up in his fuckin lab when Negator appears on his cold-ass table monitor n’ demandz dat Man-At-Arms come work fo’ him, or else da thug will anally violate his fuckin lil’ daughter, n’ then let all his fuckin lil Jawas have they way wit her, happily eva after. With his thugged-out adoptizzle daughter’s precious ass on tha line, Man-At-Arms submits, n’ agrees ta come ridin’ solo wit his fuckin laser.
Conveniently, Pimp Adam bumps tha fuck into Orko up in Man-At-Arms’ lab n’ asks if he’s peeped Teela. “Not since dat biiiiatch went ta hook up you up in tha Valley of tha Desert”, replies Orko. Pimp Adam gets straight-up suspicious cuz Man-At-Arms isn’t around either, n’ then recyclez some animation right there n’ turns tha fuck into He-Man. Out up in tha desert, He-Man, Battle Cat n’ Ram Man have discovered Teela’s abandoned sky sled. Of course, Negator already knows they is there, n’ he’s pretty buckwild bout it, cuz he’s goin ta capture He-Man ta put up in his creepy game. Negator has his Jawas juice his ass up n’ goes ta work capturin He-Man.
Yo, suddenly, a funky-ass big-ass earthworm cloud shows up, flashin it’s maw at He-Man. He-Man instantly decides dat dis thang will take his ass ta Teela, and, all up in tha least, lets it smoke him, n’ da most thugged-out, jumps eagerly tha fuck into its gullet. Dope plan, Jonah. I know you’re right yo, but what tha fuck if you weren’t? Damn, that’s fuckin wack. And indeed, tha earthworm cloud comes down a Mario-esque tube n’ deposits He-Man up in a prison cell wit Teela. Teela immediately rushes over so dat thugged-out biiiatch can git her paws all over his crazy-ass musclez as dat freaky freaky biatch muthafuckin helps his ass up.
He-Man tries ta find a way up yo, but punchin tha bars just causes dem ta snap back like tha lines on a funky-ass boxin ring. Da switch is on tha wall yo, but tha Jawas is guardin dat shit. He-Man has given up n’ is chillin down wit Teela when Ram Man conveniently crashes up in all up in a vent wit Battle Cat. Battle Cat uses a roar ta easily scare off tha Jawas, then he lazily uses his cold-ass tail ta turn off tha bars on tha cell He-Man n’ Teela is in. They run off n’ find Man-At-Arms suspended up in a Jizzy Christ pose, then Teela n’ Battle Cat become suspended as well. He-Man n’ Ram Man go off ta find Negator yo, but it’s aiiight cuz he allowed dem ta escape. It’s all part of his “game plan”. If you weren’t shizzle before, know you know now dat “game plan” did not refer ta He-Man n’ crew havin they shizzle together. In fact, they seem mo’ scattered than eva.
He-Man shows up n’ Negator takes another juice up from tha Jawas, treatin our asses ta some ever-present recycled animation. Dude activates his bangin room-sized game computer, which sucks He-Man n’ Ram Man tha fuck into tubes, thus “inserting” dem tha fuck into tha game. I know dis cuz tha computer screen says, “SUBJECT INSERTED” up in caps, underlined. Inside tha game, Negator appears ta He-Man n’ Ram Man ta explain tha “rules”. Did I mention dat his afro goes all tha way down his wild lil’ forehead ta his nose? I’m not shizzle if dat schmoooove muthafucka has a Misfits-era Danzig look goin on here, or if it just grows dat way.
All they have ta do is find they way outta a maze, cuz that’s pretty much as creatizzle as vizzle game gots back up in ’83. We’ve come a long-ass way. I’m stoked on Bioshock Infinite, currently. Not surprisingly, they encounter a fuckin shitload of obstacles, includin flyin disks, big-ass rollin balls, n’ giant clampin traps. They take up a giant snappin muff yo, but then, up in legit uninspired 80s game fashion, every last muthafuckin enemy they’ve encountered so far shows up ta hassle dem all up in tha same stupid-ass time.
They is confronted by a freshly smoked up enemy, a gangbangin’ flyin arrow, which He-Man jumps on, commandeers n’ uses ta take up all tha other enemies. Yo ass may not be surprised ta peep dat tha whole thang has phallic overtones. He-Man rides dat arrow-boss all tha way on outta tha game, n’ right tha fuck into Negator’s control room. Negator juices up again, which make me wonder where these Jawas git all dis juice from. Negator blasts wildly, then demandz mo’ juice – every last muthafuckin thang tha Jawas have – n’ they literally expire n’ turn ta smoke, they cloaks floatin ta tha ground, havin’ served up all they juice ta Negator.
Negator turns tha fuck into juice n’ zaps his dirty ass tha fuck into tha console. It causes every last muthafuckin thang ta go haywire, which frees Man-At-Arms from his crazy-ass martyred pose, as well as Teela n’ Battle Cat. I find dis ta be a odd result, since I would assume dat Negator would be controllin tha computer system, afta havin entered dat shit. I expected some kind of final battle yo, but then tha heroic noize comes on, they all chatter a lil bit n’ then tha camera pans over ta tha melted computer console, signifyin Negator’s uneventful demise. Well, Negator is no Lawnmower Man, that’s fo’ sho.
Time fo’ dis week’s moral! I be thinkin it’s goin ta be bout how tha fuck rockin sterizzlez is bad. You’ll git all supa pissed fo’ no reason, yo nutz be gettin’ smalla’, n’ yo ass blast mo’ n’ more, until you pop-fizzle up in a gangbangin’ spray o’ blood n’ guts, all over tha Gold’s Gym. Instead, He-Man comes on screen ta tell our asses dat playin game is fun yo, but it sucks when you git hurt, so be careful.
He-Man cappin’ count: 17 n’ 1 attempted murder
Episodes missin’ Skeletor: 21
IMDB Cast List:
Jizzy Erwin: He-Man, Pimp Adam, Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Negator
Linda Gary: Teela
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Computer Voice