I hope you enjoyed my little April Fool’s Day joke there. I’ve been planning it for several, several months. Jizzle-speak translation courtesy of gizoogle.com. If you missed it, it’s still posted. Here’s the real post. If you liked it, you can filter any website via gizoogle.com by plugging in the URL. Ever read CNN.com that way? Hilarious. I wish Snoop Dog could deliver all my news.
Could it be? Could He-Man and crew have their shit together and not half-ass their way to victory? Read on. Out in a forest, Prince Adam is chiseling away at a boulder, trying to make his own David so he can have a good excuse to look at naked penis. Teela shows up and asks what he’s sculpting, but Prince Adam won’t tell. Somehow, this turns into Orko pulling a stupid magic trick that he fucks up. Then, Man-At-Arms shows up and is all like, “Prince Adam, this laser ray I made sure will make sculpting easier”. What a fucking circus! I mean, really!
Overhead, a pair of little hooded guys that strongly resemble the Jawas from Star Wars spy on the royal buffoons. Prince Adam tries out the laser ray, but since everyone is watching now, instead of making David, he makes Orko, which is still a pretty phallic rendition, but much more subtle. This sculpting ray makes the sculpture pretty much in one shot, so it’s really more like a 3D printer, than it requires any kind of skill, what-so-ever. Man-At-Arms then reveals it’s not actually for sculpting, it’s really a very powerful and dangerous laser (set to low power, of course), and it’s a damn good thing they tested it out here in the middle if nowhere so nobody knows about it. Especially little Jawa rip-offs.
What happens next is very confusing. The two Jawa dudes turn and look at eachother, lasers come out of their eyes which merge into one beam. Then we cut to this old villain type guy with long white hair, and he’s seated at some kind of giant computer console playing a video game? The game is really bizarre, and then requests that he “insert a subject to begin play”, which the old man translates for us means he needs a “victim” to play the game with him. Dude goes through a portal machine, which makes him come out of the Jawa’s laser stream, thus overlooking the group as Teela takes a turn shooting this dangerous, dangerous laser.
Much like high school boys are prone to do while pissing at a urinal, the video game playing old fart gives Teela a shove which a magic blast, just as she shoots the laser, which causes her to spray it all over the place. Instead of getting piss on her dungarees, she shoots a hole clear through a mountain. Instead of look up to see who blasted Teela in the back, nobody seems to know what happened, and Man-At-Arms is like, “you ain’t seen shit, that laser can do way more than that”! Then, like the Road Runner, Prince Adam runs off to go check out the new tunnel.
The long haired old man mutters about how Man-At-Arms is wasting his genius to do only good, then has the Jawas “power” him with their laser eyes and jumps down to confront everyone. Man-At-Arms doesn’t even know who the guy is, which is evidenced when he says, “who are you”? He reveals himself to be Negator, master of all power, and he has come for Man-At-Arms’ laser beam, and Man-At-Arms. Duncan says no, so Negator has a hissy and blasts the new tunnel closed, but it’s okay because Prince Adam can just walk out the other side. Inside the tunnel, Prince Adam takes this moment of privacy to turn in to He-Man, but Cringer is all like, “not tonight, sweetie, I have a head-ache”, but he gets turned into Battle Cat anyway.
Negator challenges Duncan to “say ‘NO’ again”, which makes me wish I was watching Pulp Fiction instead. Negator balks at Man-At-Arms’ continued defiance and ruptures a damn. When he does so, the ubiquitous pumpkin patch from several episodes ago shows up out of nowhere to it can get flooded as Teela and Man-At-Arms run away. I swear this is the only animation they use to depict flooding. He-Man shows up causes some trouble for Negator, so Negator wisely takes off. He-Man then uses a giant boulder to stop the flooding. Don’t ask questions.
Back at the Royal Palace, one of the Captain’s Guards with suspiciously bushy eyebrows knocks on Teela’s door and tells her that Prince Adam wants her to meet him out in the Valley of the Desert, and he can’t say why, and she has to hurry. Teela knows enough to realize she doesn’t recognize this guy, but not enough to plainly see that it’s Negator wearing a guardsman’s suit. Having so easily fallen for the ruse, Teela goes walking off right into his trap.
Out in the desert, Teela is getting sick of looking for Prince Adam, and her sky sled starts running out of batteries. Before she can turn back, Negator, who is watching her on a monitor, makes his eye glow red, which apparently has the effect of controlling the sky sled, leading her right to him. Man-At-Arms is tinkering in his lab when Negator appears on his table monitor and demands that Man-At-Arms come work for him, or else he will anally violate his daughter, and then let all his little Jawas have their way with her, happily ever after. With his adoptive daughter’s precious anus on the line, Man-At-Arms submits, and agrees to come alone with his laser.
Conveniently, Prince Adam bumps into Orko in Man-At-Arms’ lab and asks if he’s seen Teela. “Not since she went to meet you in the Valley of the Desert”, replies Orko. Prince Adam gets really suspicious because Man-At-Arms isn’t around either, and then recycles some animation right there and turns into He-Man. Out in the desert, He-Man, Battle Cat and Ram Man have discovered Teela’s abandoned sky sled. Of course, Negator already knows they are there, and he’s pretty excited about it, because he’s going to capture He-Man to put in his creepy game. Negator has his Jawas juice him up and goes to work.
Suddenly, a big earthworm cloud shows up flashing it’s maw at He-Man. He-Man instantly decides that this thing will take him to Teela, and, at the least, lets it eat him, and the most, jumps eagerly into its gullet. Good plan, Jonah. I know you’re right, but what if you weren’t? Damn, that’s stupid. And indeed, the earthworm cloud comes down a Mario-esque tube and deposits He-Man in a prison cell with Teela. Teela immediately rushes over so she can get her paws all over his muscles as she helps him up.
He-Man tries to find a way out, but punching the bars just causes them to snap back like the lines on a boxing ring. The switch is on the wall, but the Jawas are guarding it. He-Man has given up and is sitting down with Teela when Ram Man conveniently crashes in through a vent with Battle Cat. Battle Cat uses a roar to easily scare off the Jawas, then he lazily uses his tail to turn off the bars on the cell He-Man and Teela are in. The run off and find Man-At-Arms suspended in a Jesus Christ pose, then Teela and Battle Cat become suspended as well. He-Man and Ram Man go off to find Negator, but it’s okay because he allowed them to escape. It’s all part of his “game plan”. If you weren’t sure before, know you know that “game plan” did not refer to He-Man and crew having their shit together. In fact, they seem more scattered than ever.
He-Man shows up and Negator takes another power up from the Jawas, treating us to some ever-present recycled animation. He activates his room-sized game computer, which sucks He-Man and Ram Man into tubes, thus “inserting” them into the game. I know this because the computer screen says, “SUBJECT INSERTED” in caps, underlined. Inside the game, Negator appears to He-Man and Ram Man to explain the “rules”. Did I mention that his hair goes all the way down his forehead to his nose? I’m not sure if he has a Misfits-era Danzig look going on here, or if it just grows that way.
All they have to do is find their way out of a maze, because that’s pretty much as creative as video games got back in ’83. We’ve come a long way. I’m stoked on Bioshock Infinite, currently. Not surprisingly, they encounter a number of obstacles, including flying disks, big rolling balls, and giant clamping traps. They take out a giant snapping muff, but then, in true uninspired 80s game fashion, every enemy they’ve encountered so far shows up to hassle them at the same time.
They are confronted by a new enemy, a flying arrow, which He-Man jumps on, commandeers and uses to take out all the other enemies. You may not be surprised to see that the whole thing has phallic overtones. He-Man rides that arrow-boss all the way on out of the game, and right into Negator’s control room. Negator juices up again, which makes me wonder where these Jawas get all this energy from. Negator blasts wildly, then demands more power – everything the Jawas have – and they literally expire and turn to smoke, their cloaks floating to the ground, having delivered all their energy to Negator.
Negator turns into energy and zaps himself into the console. It causes everything to go haywire, which frees Man-At-Arms from his martyred pose, as well as Teela and Battle Cat. I find this to be an odd result, since I would assume that Negator would be controlling the computer system, after having entered it. I expected some kind of final battle, but then the heroic music comes on, they all chatter a little bit and then the camera pans over to the melted computer console. Well, Negator is no Lawnmower Man, that’s for sure.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how using steroids is bad. You’ll get all angry for no reason, your balls will shrink, and you’ll shoot more and more, until you pop in a muscular spray of blood and guts, all over the Gold’s Gym. Instead, He-Man comes on screen to tell us that playing games is fun, but it sucks when you get hurt, so be careful.
He-Man murder count: 17 and 1 attempted murder
Episodes missing Skeletor: 21
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Negator
Linda Gary: Teela
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Computer Voice