Here it comes…”Fabulous Secret Powers”! Ha ha ha.
Welcome to episode 6, “Teela’s Quest”! She was punished in the last episode for being kick ass and independent, and then rewarded with her own episode? This is a confusing message. Are women to be subjugated or revered in this universe, of which He-Man is the alleged master?
The episode opens with this mundane but kinda sexy astronaut chick millions of miles from home and having a rough time of it in a meteor shower. At least I thought she was sexy until I realized she pees and poops in a vacuum tube and probably hasn’t showered for months, maybe years. I’m a little European when it comes to hygiene, I’ll admit. But even for me, that’s too much. Oh, and did I mention that she has a serious case of man hands? And she’s using them to crank the shit out of this phallic knob? Now I’m just scared.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It’s Prince Adam’s MOM! That sequence was a flashback! Oh, my God! I kind of just had my mind blown a little bit there… Anyway, she’s using this memory projecting headset to show her son how she came to Eternia, what with her being an Earthling and all. I don’t know how her memory has a third person perspective, but it doesn’t matter because she crash landed on Eternia regardless. Well, that at least explains why she couldn’t leave. Prince Adam says “Mommy? Mommy? What was Earth like, Mommy?” She says it’s boring because there are no giant green tigers or magic castles, and it had these pesky things called trees and plants. Excuse me? We most certainly do have a magic castle. Snap.
Prince Adam accuses her of missing Earth, which she denies. She claims that her real home is in Eternia with him and his father, and she wouldn’t ever change that, even though she looks like she wants to kill herself when she says it. Teela barges in and barks at Prince Adam for missing their game of Twister earlier.
Since he doesn’t want to tell her that he blew it off because vagina scares him, he claims he was busy with something important. She punks him by using that mind projector and discovers that he was fishing. Damn, I was sure it was going to be a compromising homoerotic situation.
Meanwhile, in Man-At-Arms’ workshop, Orko is using his amputee elf magic to make some tools turn a gray box into… a red one? I don’t know how a hammer, saw, etc. change the color of something, but whatever. Turns out he also made it into music box. Out of bomb parts. His buffoonery has gotten down right fucking dangerous! Man-At-Arms is trying to pluck Orko’s arms off like bug legs when Teela comes in.
She wonders aloud to Man-At-Arms about her parents, even though he has no context for the ponderance, and he says that he knew her father well. Now I’m really confused. I could have sworn he said he was her father in a recent episode. Well, now that he’s not her father, he totally ogles her tits while he tells her about what a brave guy her dad was. Creepy.
So it turns out that her dad allegedly died protecting Eternia, and Man-At-Arms adopted her, but he can’t tell her who her mother is for some reason. Ah, now we have our plot point! Teela is going to go on a quest to find out who her mother is. She starts by trying to use the memory projector to try find out, but since she was adopted as a baby, all she remembers is Man-At-Arms looking young and wearing the same clothes he still wears today. In fact, now that I think about, nobody has more than one outfit. Gross.
Orko shows up to find Teela crying into a glass of wine, and asks her what’s wrong. Abruptly, in the midst of her exposition, she resolves that the only way she can see back to before she was born is to consult “the Oracle of the Crystal Sea”. Orko tries to stop her because apparently that’s really dangerous for some reason. Maybe it’s a crystal meth sea or something. Guess we will find out. She makes Orko promise not to tell anyone where she’s going. Even though she doesn’t want anybody to know that she’s going anywhere, she roars out of the garage in a big hover tank, right in front of Prince Adam.
Not like it matters, Orko shows up and tells Prince Adam where she’s going anyway. Prince Adam is horrified that she’s going to go try crystal meth, because he barely made it through his meth smoking, gay clubbing years and he knows with that frail girl’s body, there’s no way she’ll survive! He brow beats Orko for making him get off his lazy ass and cringer about has a panic attack over having to change into Battle Cat. I’m starting to feel sorry for him, this is some serous animal abuse, and Eternia clearly does not have any animal rights or advocacy groups. So, stock animation later, He-Man takes off on Battle Cat to go rescue her.
Ever the creepsters, Skeletor and Mer-Man are hanging out, drinking, and spying on Teela with Skeletor’s magic table viewer. You see, he apparently has this nifty alarm that goes off whenever idealistic, buxom, vulnerable women are all alone. And when that happens, it shows him a visual on this table viewer that his friends can use to beat off to!
Mer-Man gets even more randy when he realizes that Teela is headed to his hometown of Crystal Meth Sea! Mer-man announces his intent to rape her as revenge against Man-At-Arms for rescuing some young hottie that he was going to sacrifice to the Sea Demon some 20 years ago.
Teela arrives at Crystal Meth Sea, which isn’t a sea at all, but looks more like Superman’s crystal palace, if it were made of tons of meth. She remarks at how ugly it is, which baffles me because, back in Eternia, all they have is rocks. I don’t know of too many Waterford stone bowls, do you? She hears a shrieking, panics, and runs off all half-cocked because it’s the mating call of a dreaded shadow beast. One of them captures her and tries to anal rape her because, well, she just can’t catch a break.
She breaks away at the last minute and puts her staff up its ass. Unfortunately, it likes that and calls its friends to turn this one-on-one into a gang bang. Now she’s fucked. Like, proper fucked. To my chagrin, she pulls out these exploding anti-rape anal beads from under her shirt and blows these Yeti wanna-be’s the fuck up.
She arrives at the cave, somehow managing not to have been rectally violated, and easily reaches the Oracle, who looks like George Carlin stuck in a crystal ball. Oh, now I see where the meth threat comes from. She promises him that she will give up her first born child to meth addiction if only he tells her about her past.
He proceeds to weave this fancy little yarn about how Man-At-Arms was walking through the forest one day and received a telepathic signal. He hears a falcon crying out and discovers that Mer-Man wants to munch on some falcon eggs and is threatening her nest. He helps the orange falcon protect her nest and defeats Mer-Man. He peers into the nest to see what the falcon is protecting, and…
The Oracle cuts off the story. See, that’s how they get you. They give you the first taste for free to get you hooked. Now, it’s going to cost her. Damn, this is a dangerous mission: anal rapists guarding a crystal meth cave, a meth pushing George Carlin head in a fish bowl… Yeah, the Queen is totally right. Eternia rules and Earth drools! Not. Because drugs are dangerous in lots of ways, Teela gets jumped by Mer-Man and some fish people while she’s tyring to cop some more meth for her and the Oracle so he will continue his story.
They steal the meth and tell her they are going to rape her as well, just for the hell of it. Not only that, but Mer-Man tells her that he’s wanted to rape her for a very long time because he hates Man-At-Arms so much. Man, this is pretty fucked up for a kids’ show. Meanwhile, Orko, not content with having told Prince Adam/He-Man about Teela’s meth-fueled quest, is blabbing his nebulous, amputee elf mouth to the Sorceress, who vows to go help Teela.
Back in Crystal Meth Sea, never one to miss an opportunity for exposition, Mer-Man tells Teela that he can’t rape her until after he puts this red Ben Wa Ball up her ass. You see, he’s going to sacrifice her to the Sea Demon because the stars are aligned just right. Exactly 20 years ago, when the conditions were coincidentally the same, Man-At-Arms ganked his sacrifice and fucked up his plan. If he puts the Ben Wa Ball in a virgin sacrifice’s ass, he can control the Sea Demon with magic. Therefore, he has to wait until later to rape her. It’s a good thing that those shadow beasts didn’t have their way with her, or he’d be shit out of luck.
So, Mer-Man is all geeked out about how fitting it is that the adoptive daughter of Man-At-Arms is going to be the one to get corn-holed instead of his original sacrifice from 20 years ago. That is, until He-Man the living wet blanket shows up. Mer-Man’s lackeys get the door closed before He-Man gets inside the cavern and Mer-Man scrambles to realize his plan. I think He-Man should just let things unfold as they will, because by now, Teela is all methed up and seems pretty into the whole thing, as evidenced by how she’s writhing around all excited-like.
Mer-Man goes up to the top of this tower and starts chanting. I assume this means he put the Ben Wa Ball in her ass already, which would explain the excited writing. She’s probably trying to make it jingle. As the Sea Demon is emerging from the murky depths, He-Man is busy smashing his way through the crystal walls. Mer-Man continues his chant and He-Man throws his sword, severing the furry handcuffs that were restraining Teela.
Somehow, through her meth induced sexual haze, Teela realizes how nasty Mer-Man and his rapey Sea Demon pal really are and joins He-Man’s attempt to liberate her. As Mer-Man is giving orders to dismember all of them, the falcon shows up and snatches his magic staff. As it turns out, Mer-Man had slipped the Ben Wa Ball back out of her ass, and had put it in the head of the staff and was using it to command the Sea Demon. With the staff and Ben Wa Ball now gone, the Sea Demon turns on Mer-Man and attacks him.
He-Man shows up at the edge of the tower and makes some false expresssion of guilt over what he’s about to do, then totally steals the Sea Demon’s kill and throws Mer-Man to the ground below. I knew it! I knew that murderous beefcake couldn’t hold out much longer! Oh, what a glorious day! He-Man has murdered again!
Alas, it is with sadness that I tell you that He-Man is only an attempted murderer in this episode. Mer-Man survives the fall, and runs away to rape another day. Battle Cat doesn’t even try to stop him. But wait, what’s this? He-Man drops down to the side of the tower and starts pushing against it. I think he’s trying to kill the Sea Demon!
He succeeds in dropping that fucker under a big pile of rubble and then totally stands there like a bad ass with his hands on his hips, gloating as a pool of blood seeps out from beneath it. I mean really, what good is being the most powerful man in the universe if you can’t murder some giant Sea Demons once in a while?
He-Man tells Teela it’s time to go, but she convinces him to go on ahead of her while she makes a piddle. But really she has something else in mind: bring some meth back to the Oracle so they can smoke it and he can finish his yarn about her mother. Like a chump, He-Man buys the piddle excuse and Teela goes back to the Oracle’s cave. After he’s good and high, the Oracle reveals that it was a baby girl in that nest all those years ago, and that baby girl was Teela.
You mean Mer-Man almost raped actual baby Teela and nubile young adult Teela? Take that Man-At-Arms! Didn’t see that one coming. Oh, wait, yeah I did. I just didn’t mention it earlier ‘cuz I try to keep these posts as short as possible (failing). Honest, I do.
You know what else I saw coming? The Sorceress is her mother. After Teela’s father died, she brought the baby to a nest on a cliff to raise her in peace. OK, now I’m surprised. This show often makes no sense, but think about it. I’m pretty sure that outside of Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress can only be in falcon form, but inside of it, she has a human form.
So, she has this human baby, and after her father dies the Sorceress decides it’s best not to raise the human baby inside the stone walls of a magical fortress of good where she has a convenient human form, but rather, it’s best to raise her in a falcon’s nest on the perilous crags of a mountain. Even worse, in falcon form she has only talons and regurgitated worms with which to care for her child, instead of human hands and breast milk! No wonder a young bachelor that never changes his clothes was better suited to raising her than her actual mother.
Just then, the Sorceress herself shows up and confirms that she’s Teela’s mother, and that someday, Teela will take her place. What, as an abandoner of children? So she can live a lonely bird-lady life in a cold, magical castle only to heed the whims of a fruity tool that likes to dress up in leather use his strength to murder and intimidate villians? The only thing that could make this better is if Skeletor turns out to be her dead father. Oh, man, do I hope I’m right. Anyway, He-Man has come back to see what is taking so long and witnesses the Sorceress, who, powered by the love of an abandoning mother for her forsaken child has achieved her human form, commanding Teela to forget that she found out who her mother was.
Jesus Henry Christ do they shit on Teela in this show! Chastised for being raised a tomboy and then trying to tag along with the boys, forced to peel potatoes, frequently the subject of rape and gang-rape attempts, made addicted to meth, and now made to forget the newly discovered identity of her mother? What a mind fuck. Anyway, we get a smirk from He-Man – the same smirk rendering of him that they use in every episode – because he thinks its funny. I guess the answer is subjugated.
Time for this week’s moral lesson! I think it’s going to be about how subjugating women, murdering, and raping are awesome pastimes and all in great fun. Fittingly, Teela presents this week’s moral. It is actually about how if you are adopted, you should shut the fuck up and accept it and quit whining and not go look for your real parents (especially if you are a ginger, which, come to think of it, every female character – except Evil-Lyn – is), because it’s going to turn out that one parent is a dead evil villain, and the other is a sorceress bird-woman who will mind-wipe you if you find out who she is. That might actually be better than my guess! And that’s Episode 6!
He-Man murder count: 6 episodes, 3 kills, and one attempted murder.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Oracle of the Crystal Sea
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Mer-Man
Linda Gary: Teela, The Soceress, Queen Marlena
Lou Scheimer: Orko
Hey! We know the Queen’s name! But not because they used it in the episode! Again!