Fuck my ass, this episode had to be about Orko’s annoying family, didn’t it? Let’s get this over with. Even worse, we open on Orko doing a magic trick for the royal court. He’s got a disappearing chest, which he’s been practicing with for weeks. Man-At-Arms actually made me laugh when he says, “I wish Orko would disappear.” Right on, soul brother. Give me some skin. Unfortunately Orko, proceeds and has Prince Adam step into the magic box. Orko babbles some gibberish, and then Man-At-Arms disappears. Orko tries to undo it, and then the King and Queen disappear, followed by the remaining parties, Teela and Battle Cat. I suspect this isn’t actually Orko’s fault, but until that is confirmed, I’m going to hate on him a little more; fuck you, Orko.
Fuck my ass again, I’m wrong. I can’t believe that for even an instant I cut Orko some slack and assumed even he couldn’t fuck up that bad. Nope, I was wrong, it was all Orko’s fault. Orko realizes that Prince Adam didn’t disappear, and opens the door to check on him. When he does, all of the disappeared parties come tumbling out. Orko has the nerve to propose they try it one more time, but King Randor has fucking had it. Suddenly, a glowing pyramid appears on the floor, and even before it happens I recognize it as that dimensional transport container that his girlfriend has shown up in before, and I’m sure she’s going to pop out of it. Yep. Dree Elle pops out.
She comes bearing bad news. Orko’s annoying uncle Montork has been ousted as head of the Academy of Magic by some young blood. Apparently, all it takes to accomplish that is an ageist accusation. Oh, and a dual of magic, which Montork lost. Orko decides he must go back to help restore his uncle to power, because, yay nepotism! Prince Adam invites himself along, but Orko assures him that he won’t fit inside the pyramid transporter. I think he’s really just trying to prevent Prince Adam from coming, but it doesn’t work. Prince Adam assures him that the Sorceress can send him and Cringer over to Trolla. Seriously though, what the fuck? Orko’s origin story was that some freak accident zapped him to Eternia, and he couldn’t get back. Now, it seems almost as easy as catching a train to get back to Trolla. So why is he still here? GO HOME.
In Trolla, Montork levitates in his favorite easy chair when the doorbell rings. That silly three eyed beast that once fell in love with Prince Adam and licked his face runs to answer it. It’s Orko, of course. Montork puts on his brave face, but Orko sees through it and asks if there’s something he can do. Montork immediately launches into his tale of woe, propagating the stereotype that all old people want is for you to listen to them whine. Snoob was one of Montork’s best students, but Montork failed to recognize his evil ambition, even though the guy looks plenty evil. Like Snape. They were competing in some kind of magic recital. Montork was matching him trick for trick, it was all very intense. Then, his powers faded, and his next trick fucked up all the judges. Apples really don’t fall far from trees.
At Castle Grayskull, Prince Adam and Cringer are preparing to pass through the Sorceress’ portal. Okay you guys, what happens in the next few seconds is disturbing, and you might want to brace yourselves. Cringer is suggesting that he’s too scared to go, on account of what Orko is into being “creepy”. He straight up refuses to go. Prince Adam says, “Oh, yeah? I know someone who would go.” Then he whips out his power sword, triggering the recycled animation, and fucking zaps Cringer into Battle Cat, blatantly against his will. We’ve even seen him split and run away to avoid being turned into Battle Cat before. That animal’s psyche must be so cracked, it’s a wonder he doesn’t slaughter the entire royal court in their sleep one night.
Over in Trolla, Orko knocks on the Academy door. Snoob answers it, looking like he has an erection under his facemask. What is he using that magic for, and are the kids safe? I need to know this to sleep soundly tonight. Snoob slams the door on Orko so he can get back to masturbating his face while he makes his students watch. Orko and Dree Elle teleport inside and follow Snoob. They find him resuming his instruction of Whiplash in the ways of black magic. Whiplash is as bad at it as you might imagine. Have you ever tried to teach a reptile the dark arts? They make better ingredients than pupils. Orko reveals himself, which was stupid because he and Dree Elle get immediately get captured.
Whiplash’s porcine henchmen haul Okro off and take off on a flying creature. This is witnessed by Montork’s three-eyed dog thing. The dog creature explains to Montork what happened, just as He-Man shows up. He-Man and Montork trek through the strange Trollan woods, which really aren’t that much stranger that the ones in Eternia. They get attacked by a tree-dwelling squid-owl, but it’s not that big of a deal and they escape quickly. The sequence includes He-Man cradling Montork like an infant, and a not-so-witty quip from He-Man.
Elsewhere, Whiplash is confronting Okro and Dree Elle, who are tied up. Whiplash implies that he’s going to feed Orko and Dree Elle to his pigs-turned-guards, and I can’t help but think of Snatch (the movie), with that toothy British bloke talking about pig’s teeth cutting through bone like butter. Orko and Dree Elle take the tactic of guilting Snoob for being a species traitor, trying to plant a seed of sympathy that might lead him to free them. Whiplash foolishly knocks Snoobs esteem down further by revealing that he did something to weaken Montork during the magic recital. Montork clearly recognizes his mistake and with Orko’s verbal support decides to revolt against Whiplash. This results in Snoob coming under the immediate siege of the boar-guards.
He-Man and Montork arrive at the fortress where Okro is being held captive. They are instantly attacked by more of the boar-guards, who are flying on their dragon creatures. He-Man takes them out with a log, which makes their general angry. He seals like, eighteen million gates to the place, because they wouldn’t have already been sealed or anything. He-Man takes them out with one fucking recycled animation punch. All of them, every single last one. Inside, Whiplash is giving Orko and Dree Elle some kind of twisted “you’re about to die” speech when one of the boar-guards comes in and says they are under attack. Whiplash leaves to address the situation. Orko’s hat produces some scissors and they escape. Snoob convinces them to let him free so they can help.
Whiplash is dancing from foot to foot, hopping mad that they are under attack, even though he doesn’t know who the assailant is. As if he couldn’t guess. He doesn’t need to because Battle Cat comes barreling in with He-Man right behind him. Montork goes to find Orko, while Battle Cat and tackles all the boar-guards. Elsewhere, Orko, Dree Elle and Snoob come upon Whiplash opening a large metal door. A giant Trollan tapeworm emerges and Whiplash orders it to destroy them. It’s the most dangerous worm on Trolla, you know. Snoob tries to use his magic on it, but he just gets captured by the killer tapeworm. He must be scared, his face-boner doesn’t look as erect as usual.
Dree Elle runs for help and literally runs into Montork. When they return, the tapeworm has captured Orko too. That is, until they disappear. Mortork is responsible for their escape, and explains that only combined magic can stop the giant tapeworm. Together, just as the tapeworm is about to overtake them, they combine their magic and shrink it. This way, the only way it can hurt them is if they swallow it, which Dree Elle tries really hard to do. Whiplash calls it a day and takes off through a secret passage to safety.
Except that He-Man is waiting for him. Whiplash makes a feeble attempt at He-Man, which ends with being tossed upside down in a barrel of water. When he escapes, Dree-Elle drops the tapeworm into his boot. Whiplash takes his boot off and smacks it several times with his tail. While he’s distracted, He-Man sneaks up and scoops him into a chest, which Montork immediately padlocks.
Back in Montork’s dining room, they are all sitting around listening to Snoob apologize and whine. For a race of legless floating elfs, or what ever they are, I’m surprised the room is big enough for He-Man to come inside. I guess Gandalf can fit in a hobbit’s house, so… Orko is kind of bitter, but Montork forgives him. Orko keeps holding out, but then Dree Elle does this gag-inducing kind of tickle on his chin and he caves and forgives Snoob. Snoob is so happy that his nose is at full erection. It turns He-Man on and so he announces that they have to go home now so he can jerk it. Montork suggests they stay for dinner – roast grubal – and He-Man reluctantly agrees.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how there should never be another Orko based episode again. I’m sure I won’t get my wish, but maybe I’ll get lucky and they at least won’t go back to Trolla again in Season 2. One Orko is enough, but when there’s tons of them, and some of them have face-boners, like Snoob? Count me out. Orko comes on screen (of course, it had to be him) to tell us that in today’s episode, Snoob was a shit and didn’t respect his elders. But, our elders have experience, and you can use that to your advantage. So take advantage of an old person, right Man-At-Arms?
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 1
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 5
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Whiplash
Alan Oppenheimer: Cinger, Battle Cat, Mat-At-Arms
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Dree Elle
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Rando, Uncle Montork
Erika Scheimer: Snoob