Follow me into the abyss, friends. What abyss, you may ask? Dare we venture a guess? I hesitate to do so, lest I be disappointed that it doesn’t have anything to do with Teela. We open on the Widget castle where the little twerps are being harassed by Beast Man and two rock monsters. He-Man is there, just putting the finishing touches on thwarting Beast Man. This involves a stern suggestion from He-Man that Beast Man run away with the rock monsters that have abandoned him. Beast Man swears revenge for the privilege of being allowed to escape with amnesty, proclaiming that He-Man will wish he’d never heard the name “Beast Man”. You can guess what He-Man says next.
At Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress thanks them for helping out the Widgets for her, and they all cum all over each other. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I feel like the episode should be over all ready, which would be a blessing. No, they walk on out of the castle, still congratulating themselves, and I notice the video player’s time bar is heartbreakingly still pretty far to the left. Orko starts fucking around, flying around the bridge because, of course he did. He-Man warns him not to fall into the abyss that stretches beneath them. Orko continues to act the fool and He-Man exposits that the abyss goes all the way down to the center of the planet. Orko validates this by dropping a rock that we never hear strike bottom. Seems scientific enough to me.
At the Royal Palace, a sort of 8-bit, midi rendition of the peaceful He-Man background music plays. All is but well as Teela storms the palace on a rampage to find Prince Adam, who is two hours late for survival skills lessons from Teela. She finds him asleep under a tree with Cringer as a pillow. He’s a total dick about it when she confronts him, making it clear that he was fully aware of his classes and chose to take a nap instead. What’s more, her lessons are stupid and it really doesn’t matter to him if he misses them. Then he straight up dismisses Teela, saying, “That’ll be all, captain.” As much of a chode as Prince Adam can be, this is really out of character, even for his lazy ass.
Cringer calls Prince Adam out for being such an extreme asshole just now, but Prince Adam defend himself, saying he’s tired of everything. He oscillates between expressively laying flat and expressively laying with his head propped up on his elbow as he unloads his woes on Cringer. Never mind being He-Man, being Prince Adam is hard! Homework, reading, lessons with Teela, there’s no cute boys around, his dad thinks he’s a lazy fairy, and it all just tires him out. Prince Adam resolves that he needs to take a vacation. But, first, he’s going to take another nap. He might be clinically depressed, for reals. I blame it on his dad too – no one should have to lead a closeted life style. Or read books.
In Man-At-Arms’ lab, Teela cries to daddy. Duncan, despite his protests at the accusation, claims not to be taking Prince Adam’s side, even though his response to Teela’s bitching is that Prince Adam is the prince of Eternia and can pretty much do what ever the fuck he wants. Teela whines that they grew up playing together, which really begs the question as to why his peer is instructing him in military techniques when there is probably someone older and more experienced that should be handling the task. Duncan tells her that the battle at Widget castle, or PMS, or something, is chapping her twat and she should stop being a C-U-Next-Tuesday. He suggests that, as a way of loosening up, she combine work with pleasure. She resolves to become a porn star and hugs her daddy for the suggestion. I don’t think that’s quite what he had in mind.
Already off on the wrong foot, she pursues Prince Adam as her first partner in her newly found personal and professional sexual liberation. She makes an ambiguous proposal to Prince Adam suggesting that the two of them should have some fun. I think he misses the subtext because agrees to what ever Teela has in mind, knowing no specifics. It all starts with a nice picnic. Teela feeds Cringer lots of turkey so he gets nice and sleepy. Then it’s time for her to make her move on Prince Adam. I’m sure the camera crew is just waiting in the bushes. She sets up the plot of the scene – hide and seek – and prances off into the forest for Prince Adam to come “find her”, which should be easy since she literally gives him a tracking device. They are set so that his sends and hers receives, with means that only He-Man’s device will detect Teela’s device. Prince Adam is concerned that she’ll get lost, and we all know that she will.
The triptophan in the turkey worked well and Cringer refuses to accompany Prince Adam to see Teela’s humiliating failure at making her first port so that he can take a nap. Teela gets all limbered up as she does all kinds of unnecessary acrobatics through the forest. She stops to make sure that Prince Adam is on her trail when a cute little alien creature reveals itself to Teela. She doesn’t seem to know what it is, but decides it’s a good idea to cradle, cuddle and name it. Prince Adam finds Teela during her ill-advised cuddle. Teela thoughtlessly puts down the creature and runs off so that Prince Adam has to catch her. Her new little pet gives chase. Teela and her pet leap over a chasm and run off together as Prince Adam falls in.
Later, Teela has made it all the way to Castle Grayskull and she still hasn’t realized what happened to Prince Adam. Her new pet gazes over the bridge into the abyss, which causes Teela to pick it up protectively and warn it about the abyss. However, she’s standing too close to the edge, which gives way. She falls in, conveniently landing on a platform down below, rather than falling all the way to the center of the fucking planet, which would hurt. Prince Adam actually gets out of the pit fine, but can’t find Teela. He goes back to the picnic site and rouses Cringer, worried that Teela hasn’t returned yet.
Teela wakes up and proclaims her right arm broken. She shouts for Prince Adam, but quickly realizes its futility. She gets a bright idea and switches her homing device to “send” instead of “receive”, which would only mean that she would know if Prince Adam was near her, and not the other way around. She should have left it the way it was, with his device on “send”, hers on “receive”. She gets depressed, but not because of that, rather because she doesn’t think Prince Adam will be smart enough to switch his device to “receive” so that she’ll know when he’s close, but he will have no idea she’s there. Idiot.
Back at the Royal Palace, it’s already dark. Prince Adam approaches Man-At-Arms and asks if he’s seen Teela. He says he has not, and she also wasn’t at dinner, but she did say she was going to be at an all-day gangbang, so he’s not concerned. Prince Adam is confused, knowing nothing about a gangbang. He says the last time he saw Teela she was acting all weird in the woods, and she may be lost. Then he remembers the tracking device – which Man-At-Arms recognizes as an old model – and they realize she is trying to signal Prince Adam, even though he never switched the setting over to receive, which wouldn’t work anyway. Man-At-Arms boosts the power and hooks it up to a machine, which tracks Teela to “around Castle Grayskull”.
On a ledge deep in the abyss that surrounds Castle Grayskull, Teela has wrapped some cloth – never mind where she got it – around her broken arm, which should make it suitable to use while climbing out. She stands up to begin her ascent up the vertical wall and is immediately blown over by a gust of wind blowing through the chasm. Sagely, she decides to wait longer. On the bridge, high above, Man-At-Arms is confused. The transmitter says they are near but also far away, but it doesn’t indicate a direction. Prince Adam tracks Teela’s footprints and they realize that Teela fell into the abyss. Orko sobs, “Oh, no, not Teela!”, when the Sorceress shows up in the window and asks why the fuck they are making so much noise.
Prince Adam nonchalantly mentions that they think Teela may have fallen into the abyss. The Sorceress immediately tries to channel Teela, repeating her name over and over. Below, Teela perks up, whispering that she “feels her mother”, even though she doesn’t remember who her mother is, due to the mind-wipe the Sorceress gave her way back when. The Sorceress confirms to He-Man and Man-At-Arms that Teela is alive, but that she’s way deep in the abyss, and hurt as well. Because of the strong wind gusts, the only way down is to climb. At 17 minutes 42 seconds into the episode, which I’m sure is a series first, Prince Adam recycles animation (in front of a full moon!) and turns into He-Man for the first time in the episode. I’m quite certain that he’s never made it past the first half of the episode without turning into He-Man at least once.
In what might also be a series first, almost the entire transformation sequence takes place off screen. Instead, Teela seems to just barely hear the magical verse over the din of the wind. Then we see sparks fly out of the power sword, which fall past Teela down into the abyss. She stares into the darkness uncomprehendingly. Then the sparks fly back up out of the abyss and back into He-Man’s sword where we are punished by just a bit of the animation sequence before we cut back to Teela on the ledge, so far down below. As it turns out, the sparks spooked her, and now she’s looking to jump out and grab onto a ledge to try to climb out and escape, all with a broken arm and while clutching that cuddly little animal that got her silly girl-brain all distracted in the first place.
High up above, He-Man is coaching Man-At-Arms and Orko – both of whom are tied to He-Man as they climb down into the abyss – on where not to place their hands. He-Man’s hand is clutching what is clearly part of the animation cell and not the firm rock of the chasm wall. Predictably, it breaks and they all start to plummet into the abyss. Why the fuck Orko is tied to them, I don’t know. He floats, and it’s highly improbable that he could levitate the additional weight of Man-At-Arms and He-Man, so it just seems unnecessary. Luckily, He-Man lands on a small rock bridge and hauls his companions to safety.
Just as He-Man is reminding them they have to find Teela, Orko spots her. He flies down with his rope and He-Man hauls her up. She immediately bursts into tears and hugs daddy. As she sobs, He-Man just can’t help but get a little dig in and says, “You know, Adam is really worried about you, Teela.” Man-At-Arms says, soothingly, “Let’s go home.” Before they go, they stand outside the castle while Teela speaks of the strange feeling that her mother was watching over her and protecting her. She acknowledges it’s strange since she has no idea who her mother is. Up in the window above, unheard, the Sorceress calls out, “she was!” It’s like she’s in the Priesthood and had to disavow an illegitimate child or something.
Time for this week’s moral! The episode was about Teela afer all! It was about her first abyss-mal foray into the porn industry. I think it should be about how ladies in porn should play it safe; don’t do guys that do guys. Instead Man-At-Arms and He-Man come on screen. While He-Man stares very vacantly at the camera while Man-At-Arms tells us that Teela learned two very valuable lessons today. Together they tell us that it’s important to work hard and play hard too, but you have to learn the rules of play. She wandered too far, and got into trouble and there was no one around to help her. So stay where mommy and daddy can see you. If that’s not a metaphorical warning against going into porn, I don’t know what is.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 8
Wow, Skeletor’s only been in 56% of the episodes this season!
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Man-At-Arms
Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Pooki