I’ll give you three guesses as to what this episode is about, but I’m sure you’ll only need one. The question is, who is telling the lies? I bet it’s either Orko, or some random kid character that’s never been introduced before. At the Royal Palace, Teela is giving some dreamy, blue-eyed hunk a tour of the grounds, including a new water purification plant that is in the middle of construction. Welp, there’s our new character. Orko happens to be out wandering around and picks up a shiny rock that catches his attention. Prince Adam shows up and explains that Prince Dal has been sent to Eternia, where it’s safe (…right…) because the sea-side village where Prince Adam’s uncle, King Stefen, resides is subject to attack. Doesn’t that make Prince Dal his cousin? Why isn’t he introduced this way? Prince Dal is homesick for his beautiful hometown, Etheria and basically won’t shut up about fucking great it is.
Orko takes Prince Dal out to one of the most beautiful places on Eternia to try and cheer him up, but Prince Dal isn’t impressed and just keeps talking about how much prettier his hometown is. Fuck, I hate people like that. This guy is a douche. I hope Teela didn’t give it up to him already. Prince Dal seems pretty tough to impress, but for some reason Orko thinks that his magic will impress the guy. He pulls out the shiny rock he found earlier and claims that it’s “the star crystal, the most powerful gem in Eternia”. It will protect whoever holds it. It does impress Prince Dal, actually, and he claims he has a use for just such a thing – saving his father’s kingdom from the Torc.
Orko panics a bit because he just made this shit up. He tries to back pedal but only succeeds in causing Prince Dal to try it out first and make sure it works before he puts himself in harms way. Prince Dal approaches a waterfall and theorizes that if the crystal works it will protect him from getting wet, and if it doesn’t work, he’ll just get a good soaking. It seems to me that even if the gem really is for protection, it wouldn’t stop you from getting wet since that’s not really dangerous. As Prince Dal steps toward the waterfall, Orko tries to work a spell to keep him from getting wet so he can maintain his “little lie”. How did I know Orko was going to be the one doing the lying? Miraculously, Orko’s spell works and Prince Dal thinks it was because of the stone. Orko’s going to get this guy killed!
At the Royal Palace, Prince Adam and Teela are baby-sitting some kids. I’m pretty sure Prince Adam has given his power sword to a little boy to play with because it sure looks like that kid is waving the power sword around. Suddenly, water comes rushing into the courtyard, which makes Prince Adam suspicious only because it’s not flood season. I’m really not sure how the Royal Palace is affected by floods, considering that it is up on top of a plateau, so it’s kind of troubling that the only thing that strikes Prince Adam odd about it is that it’s not the season for it. Prince Adam decides to go check out the source of the water, carelessly leaves the children behind to drown in the flood while he runs behind a wall and recycles some animation.
Thankfully, Teela goes to help the kids. Battle Cat joins her and picks the little girl up in his mouth. Teela and the boy mount up and Battle Cat races away from the floodwater, which should have overtaken them all by now, anyway. Prince Adam grabs a large macaroni shaped pipe that is to be part of the new water treatment plant and uses it to divert the floodwater right over the side of that plateau I mentioned earlier. But, not before he makes a stupid joke about bath time not being until 3 PM. Apparently, this won’t flood anything else, because He-Man claims now the water can safely rejoin the river. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure there are villages down there. He-Man probably just caused several deaths, but I can’t count them because there’s no way to know for sure. Shit.
He-Man finds Orko and Prince Dal still staring at the waterfall, which magically makes a 90 degree turn from its normal, gravity path, spraying everywhere and causing said flooding. As it turns out, it’s not a real waterfall, and He-Man uses a valve to shut it off. He-Man demands an explanation, and just as Prince Dal is about to explain the magic crystal Orko gave him, Orko interrupts and prevents his “little lie” from being discovered. He does this by lying some more and claiming the waterfall just went all wonky for no reason. He-Man runs off to go bug Man-At-Arms about the defective waterfall he built. Prince Dal demands to know why Orko lied about the waterfall and covered up the gem. Orko lies some more, claiming that the gem is too powerful, so He-Man would have taken it away. On account of it’s power, Orko asks for it back for safekeeping. Prince Dal obliges.
In his room, Orko looks troublingly at his “magic” gem, fretting about what he’s done. He resolves to think of something to tell Prince Dal to keep him from getting up to trouble. However, like a narcoleptic, he gets tired before he comes up with anything and puts the task off until tomorrow. Carelessly, he puts the gem down on his nightstand and curls up and goes to sleep. Well, I guess it’s not that irresponsible, because the gem doesn’t actually do anything. There’s really only one person that it’s dangerous to, and I’m certain that this one specific person is going to sneak into Orko’s room and steal it. And he does, like, immediately. No sooner has Orko started sawing logs when Prince Dal, the smug shit, sneaks in. He tells the sleeping Orko that he’s sorry, but his father needs it to defeats his enemies, the Torcs.
In the morning we start with a refreshing shot of the Royal Palace as some happy music plays because Orko hasn’t discovered his missing gem yet. Having apparently forgotten all about it, Orko comes out of his room proclaiming to himself about what beautiful day it is. Man-At-Arms strolls up and asks if Orko has seen Prince Dal. Nobody’s seen him and his bed doesn’t look slept in. Suddenly, it clicks, then Orko suspiciously rushes back to his room. We catch up to him sitting on his bed, palms up, dejected. Orko decides the only way to fix this mess is to go find Prince Dal before anyone else. He’s about to take off when Teela comes in and says they’ve found Prince Dal’s trail. Orko crosses – double crosses, actually – his fingers behind his back then claims that Prince Dal told him he was going to the caverns to divert them so that he will have a chance to find Prince Dal first and cover up his lies with more lies.
In the caverns, where they have been misdirected by Orko, Teela, Man-At-Arms, He-Man and Battle Cat mosey along, trying in vain to find Prince Dal. He-Man is talking idly about how they better hurry up because there are dangerous things in the cavern. Just then, a giant spider’s shadow looms even larger across the wall. The spider follows them, and is in turn followed by tons and tons more spiders. Man-At-Arms questions whether or not Prince Dal would really come down into the caverns, but Teela concludes that Orko said he did so he must have.
Teela gets the creeps, like some one is following them. He-Man hasn’t noticed anything. Battle Cat claims that if someone has been following them, he would have caught their scent. Apparently, giant spiders don’t have a scent. He-Man turns back to Teela, to point out that she is wrong, but she’s disappeared and we only hear her muffled cries. Teela’s twitching pops out, then slowly withdraws again as she gets pulled behind some rocks. He-Man pulls the rocks off immediately, but Teela is already fully mummified. The spiders scurry a way quickly in the darkness, unseen.
He-Man uses the power sword to cut Teela free, hoping they haven’t already liquefied her insides with their venom. Teela is fine and immediately hugs Man-At-Arms. He-Man explains that those were “night spiders”, they work in groups and quickly hide their prey behind rocks. Teela gets the shivers. Rightfully so, ugh. I just got them too. Well, the spiders are gone, but now the Torcs are here, pointing their muskets at He-Man and crew. If only they had a bullshit magic gem to protect them. Battle Cat attacks but the Torcs use sleep spray and knock every one out. You know it’s anticlimactic when I have a “short” paragraph.
Orko wanders around becoming increasingly doubtful that he won’t find Pince Dal. He flops down on a stump, then Prince Dal shows up immediately. Orko wonders how Prince Dal got so far when he can’t fly. Prince Dal says that it’s easy when you’re invincible, which doesn’t really make any sense, and then they have an exchange where Orko is confusing the word “invisible” with “invincible”, and I got dumber. Prince Dal plays manipulative mind games with Orko, which short circuits his already-dim brainpower. Before he can tell Prince Dal that the magic gem is a lie, they are surrounded by Torcs with sleep-gas spewing muskets. Good thing Prince Dal thinks he’s invincible. He can just get him self killed and save everybody a lot of grief, except Orko, who will deserve every ounce.
Hey, why is Prince Dal wandering around in the woods anyway? Hasn’t he had all night to get back to his seaside hometown? Anyway, Orko suggests they surrender, but why would Prince Dal do that when he’s invincible? He even shows the Torcs the star crystal and explains that it protects them. That’s like trying to bribe a mugger with a single band of cash out of a duffle bag full of millions. They shoot their gas as Orko tries to wrestle the gem away from Prince Dal, which causes Dal to fall over. Orko waves his a plant he’s been holding idly really fast, which blows the sleep gas back at the Torcs, knocking them out. Prince Dal recovers to his feet and attributes the outcome to the protection of the star crystal.
In a Torc battle camp nearby, He-Man, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, and Teela are all being held captive in the same cell. Why? At least the Torcs had the good sense to take He-Man’s power sword away, as he discovers when goes to use it to cut through the door. Not too far away from the cell, one of the Torc guards is toying with the power sword, hefting it in his meaty paw. Teela points out they have her staff too, as if it’s as important as the power sword. Battle Cat growls in really low register, which must sound like the Torc female’s mating call, because the guards come running to the cell door. There they are delighted when Battle Cat’s rough and excessively long cat-tongue starts licking their faces. Gross. He-Man says, “Battle Cat will keep them busy for a while, now I’ll get busy.” Gross. Then He-Man starts digging a hole.
As He-Man digs, Teela asks why they don’t just bash the door down. Man-At-Arms explains that this would attract a whole squad and they don’t have time for that. No one seems to notice that they already have attracted the whole squad with Battle Cat’s little kissing booth routine over there. He-Man makes it outside and snatches up two Torcs. Battle Cat grabs the one he’s been frenching, while Man-At-Arms recovers the power sword (and Teela’s staff, whew!). They put them all in the cell from which they just escaped and lock it. He-Man pushes a boulder over the hole they escaped out of and they move on with their day.
A short time later, Man-At-Arms pops out of the woods and startles Orko when he yells, “boo!” He-Man steps out from behind Man-At-Arms and is in no mood for Orko’s bullshit. He says he suspects that Orko’s at the root of all this nonsense, and demands to know where Prince Dal is. Orko says that Prince Dal is on his way to join is father, but he wasn’t able to keep up with Dal. He-Man assures Orko that he will be made to explain the rest later, but for now they have to hurry. Somehow Prince Dal has snuck up on a military regiment that is being led by his father. He whispers to his dad from the fringes, then runs up to him all excited. His father, clearly embarrassed, asks Prince Dal what the fuck he’s fucking doing here.
If Prince Dal really did have a magic protection crystal, his father is the guy that needs one. They are standing in front of a cave about to be on the losing side of the 300 legend. Proving this, King Stefen marches right toward the cave entrance, somehow failing to see the Torc that jumps right out from it. Prince Dal yells a warning, and the King takes a dive, log rolling back over to Dal. King Stefen stands and blames his embarrassment on Prince Dal, then demands, again, to know what the fucking fuck Prince Dal is doing there. Finally, Dal gets to explain, telling all about the magician from Eternia that gave him this magical crystal which will protect them from harm while they slaughter all of the Torcs and bathe in their blood as the broil their infants like tender veal. King Stefen’s mind is blown.
He-Man and crew have come upon this potentially tragic scene and, from a distance, use their field optics equipment to watch and listen. King Stefen lifts the star crystal high into the air and arrogantly commands the entire regiment of coward, cave dwelling Torcs to come out of their silly foxhole. He-Man is aghast, saying, “He’s challenging all of the Torcs, single handledly, is he crazy?” Orko, rather casually, says, “He thinks he’s invincible”. All: “Whaat?” Orko repeats himself, saying only in addition that he’s not, in fact, invincible and it’s entirely his fault. He-Man simply swoops in and picks up King Stefen on Battle Cat’s back, seemingly leaving Prince Dal to die. What a good dad. Oh, okay, I guess Prince Dal is already safely at a distance with Teela? I don’t know how that happened.
He-Man tells King Stefen to call his army, but Stefen just drones, “But, I have the star crystal. I am invincible.” He-Man tells King Stefen that he has been misled, then takes off to fetch the troops himself. Prince Dal starts to question Orko, but Orko puts him off. He-Man comes back with the troops in only moments, and the battle ensues. It’s not going to well on the battlefront, so they devise a plan to lure the Torcs back into the caves. Apparently given enough of a respite in the middle of the battle field to plan and execute their scheme, King Stefen and Prince Dal go sit in one of the caves and act all pooped and uselessly tired. Inside the cave, Man-At-Arms, Teela and Orko are hiding, watching them.
Once all the Torcs fall for it and run inside the cave, He-Man drops his arm, signaling the next phase of the plan. Somehow, Man-Arms-Arms, Teela, and Orko are all back outside and Man-At-Arms says, “Now, Orko!” Orko uses his magic to lift King Stefen and Prince Dal up, drawing them out of the cave over the Torc’s heads. He-Man runs up and starts smashing his fists on the ground, causing a rockslide, which, of course, completely blocks the entrance to the cave. I’m sure the Torcs don’t have extensive tunnels with many entrances and exits, or anything. Everybody acts like this has completely resolved the issue of the Torcs attacking King Stefen’s kindom and that He-Man has just successfully negotiated an ironclad peace treaty.
He-Man tells Orko that it’s time to explain what the fuck just happened here. With less shame than I would prefer, Orko confesses that he was trying to impress Prince Dal, the braggert, by claiming that Eternia is just as magical as Etheria, so he made up some bullshit about a magical protective rock then used his magic and poor powers of manipulation to perpetuate and cover up his lie, all this to nearly cost King Stefen the war. He-Man chastises Orko, saying there is no such thing as a “little lie”, and I suddenly become aware that we are either going to get two morals this week, or a two-parter on the same topic.
Time for this week’s (official) moral! I think it should be about how He-Man should find different people to associate with. Most of the shit he has to clean up is because of the incompetence of the company he keeps. Actually, since he seems to refuse to ever try to take Skeletor into custody, he does a lot of it to himself as well. You are your own worst enemy, I guess. Orko and Teela come on so I can listen to Orko complain about having to keep track of so many lies that it hurt his brain. I’m sure it was the thinking and continuity in general, but Orko points out that you have to be a lot smarter to be a good liar, and that lies are dangerous in the wrong hands. Like, it’s okay for He-Man to lie about who he is, or for a well-meaning politician to lie, or for a chick to lie about her age or bra size, these kinds of things…
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 9
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, King Stefen
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms
Linda Gary: Teela, Little Girl
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Prince Dal, Chief Torc