On Eternia, the good villagers are harvesting giant tomatoes, brussel sprouts, flowers, and other crops when they are suddenly covered in shadow. The all look up and to see a spaceship slowly and menacingly move over the village. Dozens of space pirate lackeys de-board the ship and hold everyone at gunpoint. They are led by a pretty motley crew of “space pirates”, including a salmon colored muscleman, a Battletoad reject, a, um, sailor cat(?), a hook-handed, geriatric snake, and Marvel’s The Blob. Upon his shoulders sits a tiny pink demon, which takes the place of his parrot. The Blob tells the people to do what he says, and they will be fine. One sneaky little farm girl tries to sneak off, but she’s spotted and the geriatric snake man, Hisser, is sent after her.

225 1 Motley Crew

Prince Adam and Teela are out observing their people’s ancient campground. They are considering using the location for a party even though it’s so remote, Teela has to mark it on her map so they can find it again. There’s a stone throne that I’m sure used to have a warrior statue on it, which came alive and was destroyed in a previous episode. I don’t remember which one, it was early in Season 1, I think. I’m sure this is just a case of recycling animation and art, not continuity. They hear the girl’s cries as she runs from the lizard man. Teela orders Prince Adam to stay there while she runs off to see what’s the matter. Of course, Prince Adam immediately recycles some more animation and turns into He-Man. Cringer tries to convince him not to, suggesting that the girl doesn’t really deserve to be saved because she didn’t call for help loud enough.

225 2 Stay Here Douche

Somehow, the girl winds up precariously perched on a boulder that is about to topple from a ridge. Hisser is right behind her, ready to help her over the edge. Teela managed to wind up on a bluff across from them, so she uses her freeze ray and freezes the hook-arm gun the snake man has. He-Man gets there and uses a vine to make a lasso. He snares the boulder and drags it to safety. By now, the snake man has freed his hook-arm gun and opens fire. He-Man hits him with a log, knocking Hisser over the edge. He doesn’t die though, because he lands in a river and holds onto the log. We see him float away, confirming the he didn’t perish.

225 3 Log to the Gut

At the ruins, Prince Adam wanders up while the girl is explaining that the space pirates showed up to take half of their crops. Teela says that they’ve had problems with space pirates before. She sees Prince Adam and wishes, aloud, that He-Man were still there. Orko says he’s probably near by, which causes Prince Adam to elbow him. Prince Adam is going to assist Teela in confronting the space pirates, but Teela sends Orko home to get Man-At-Arms to send the royal guard. Why she doesn’t just use a radio, I don’t know. Cringer tries to escape with Orko, knowing he’ll be turned into Battle Cat again this episode, but Prince Adam won’t let him go.

225 3 Orko Go Home

Back at the village, the pirates have decided not to take half the crops, but rather to take all of them instead. The villagers are getting all pissed off, and I recognize one of them as the cave-dwelling pederast from the Starchild episode. The Starchild is nowhere to be seen, so I guess she has since perished. One of the villagers tries to incite a rebellion but the other villagers are satisfied to stand there and see all their crops get stolen. As the pink muscle man drives off with them, Prince Adam, Teela, Cringer, and the girl block his path. The Blob orders his pirate army to get rid of “the land lovers”. Prince Adam draws his sword to defend them, but Cringer tries to run and hide and plows right into him, knocking him over. The pink muscle man snatches up the power sword from the ground.

225 5 Yoink

The Blob steps forward and spays a sticky tar everywhere, right out of his fingers, while his pink demon squawks about how they always have to take care of shit themselves. Aptly, he is called “Sticky Fingers”. Prince Adam looks like he’s bustin’ to some hip-hop when he tries to get unstuck. The pirates continue to make off with all the crops while Prince Adam is trying to devise how to get his sword back while he’s still stuck in the tar. We get a bunch of scenes of the crops being stolen, then we find out that Prince Adam, Teela, and Cringer have all been thrown in jail when the girl and her father talk about it. It was a very strange choice to handle it this way, I had to watch it twice.  She resolves to free them and runs off, her father trailing her to assist in her efforts.

225 6 Bustin Movies Gif

In jail, Teela is bored as shit because there are no prison dykes to munch on. She wonders where He-Man is while Prince Adam mutters to himself that if he doesn’t find his sword there will never be a He-Man again. Outside the cell, the girl brings quite a spread of food for the prisoners, but kindly lets the sailor cat, Mangy-O, try some. It’s all just a diversion anyway. Inside the cell, a floor tile lifts up and the girl’s father emerges. He explains that the building used to be a warehouse and the old storage cellars are beneath this room. The food keeps Mangy-O busy while they all escape down below. The Blob, er, Sticky Fingers, berates his crew for letting their captives escape. He holds the power sword in his hand. Since his crew sucks so bad, he decides to release the Kraken, er, I mean the tracker, to hunt down and destroy the escapees.

225 7 Only Womens Prison is Fun

Not too far from the pirate infestation, Prince Adam and crew hide out in another empty warehouse, certain they won’t be discovered as the place has already been raided and ransacked. While Prince Adam ponders trying to inspire the villagers to rise up (the awe-inspiring speech route didn’t work too well for Rick Grimes on The Walking Dead recently, did it?), a fierce shriek sounds from outside. They all rush to the window to see “the tracker”, which is an Eternian beast that we’ve seen before. It was called by another name previously, but I can’t remember what. This is not the first time a creature has been repurposed and renamed on this show. The tracker breaks into the warehouse and starts sniffing around. Every one hides in a smaller roof, which his hidden behind some crates. Teela babbles loudly about how they might as well give up because the tracker will sniff them out anyway. Battle strategy is not her strong suit, is it?

225 8 The Tracker

Cringer keeps sneezing (and talking) because of all these spices that have been spilled around in the warehouse. Prince Adam gets an idea, and as the tracker’s snout probes the crevices of the crates that conceal them, he dumps a bag of spices right where the tracker is going to sniff. While the tracker is having a sneezing fit with his back turned, they all run to safety. They gain a vantage point where they can watch all of the food being carted away by the pirates. The villagers just stand around watching. Our protagonist village girl remarks about how sad it is that nobody will try to stop the theft of all their crops.

225 9 Why Wont They Help Themselves

Prince Adam mutters (loudly) that he’s got to find his sword. Teela turns to him and bitches him out, saying, “There are more important things than your sword, Adam.” You should hear how bitchy she sounds when she says that. Cringer makes a snide remark about the true importance of the sword, then Prince Adam tells Cringer that he has to go find his sword all by himself. All of this just slides right off of Teela, none of it sinking in at all. I guarantee that when He-Man does eventually show up, which will be right after Prince Adam has recovered his sword, she still won’t put it together. In fact, she will probably be surprised when he shows up.

225 10 Your Such a Douch Adam

They quickly meet up with a small band of villagers. Prince Adam tries to organize the villagers against the pirates. He’s talking to Garn, his first love (see Season 1 Episode 31 A Tale of Two Cities), only that he either isn’t Garn, or they both have complete amnesia. Anyway, Prince Adam’s inspiring speech is that they all need to work together, and if they do, they can get Sticky Fingers and his mangy gang to go away – but apparently not prosecuted for piracy. Prince Adam has a plan, which he lays out to the villagers off screen so that we are not privy to it yet.

225 11 Forgotten Love

Instead, we watch some of the pirate soldiers load a bunch of pumpkins into a storage bin. Sticky Fingers is overseeing, just holding Prince Adam’s sword like an idiot. Some villagers have started acting up, so he sends the pink muscle man to deal with it. Nearby Prince Adam is guiding a resistance, which involves troweling mortar onto stone walls, digging holes, making catapults and teeter-totters, etc. Back at the storage bins, the pirate crew is loading the last load of crops. They all look pretty pleased with themselves. But then Sticky Fingers – the greedy, fat fuck – orders one last sweep of the village because his anorexic little pink demon-parrot suggests the villagers might be “holding out on them”. Cringer has been hanging about watching for the sword, and then he finally spots Sticky Fingers with it.

225 12 Greedy Fat Fuck

The pirates are rolling out to do one last sweep for any crops they may have left behind, so Prince Adam triggers every one to commence the plan. Places! Places! And… curtain! The pirate army enters a warehouse where they find that a pile of watermelons remains. They scramble for them, their arms greedily outstretched as they run forward. Prince Adam drops a jail cell over them, which I guess is what they cobbled together with the mortar and stone walls. That sure dried fast. Similar food-lured traps are sprung and soon all the baddies have been rounded up.

225 13 That Dried Fast

Though it seemed like it when Cringer spotted him a few paragraphs ago, Sticky Fingers doesn’t seem to have noticed the green and orange-stripped mountain cat. He stands near Cringer’s hiding place and looks around idiotically, wondering where everyone is. He leans on the power sword. Any other sword would break, I’m sure. Cringer dashes out and grabs it the runs off to find Prince Adam. You know Sticky Fingers ain’t running after him. Instead, he calls Cringer a ‘fraidy cat, which causes him to stop, drop the sword, and defend himself. As soon as he does, Sticky Fingers shoots some tar at him, barely missing him.

225 14 Any Other Sword Would Break

Cringer scampers off and drops the power sword at Prince Adam’s feet. Prince Adam actually seems kind of surprised that Cringer was successful. Since he is already standing behind cover, Prince Adam picks up his sword and immediately recycles some animation. On the other side of this tired, frequently repeated sequence, He-Man rushes off to use brawn to finish off the rest of the pirates, instead of his brain. The villagers have resorted to flinging watermelons with a catapult, successfully hitting Mangy-O and Hisser as they cruise about in a vehicle. On account of the watermelons on their heads, they crash into the wooden tower the catapult is on and knock it over.

225 15 Here We Go Again

225 16 Were Goig to Crash

He-Man arrives just in time and tosses a hay bale down to catch the falling villagers. Cringer obstructs Mangy-O while He-Man slaps a barrel over them. He-Man then wastes no more time and goes right after Sticky Fingers. Even though he’s already fallen for it (as Prince Adam, true, but its not like they have separate consciousnesses…), Sticky Fingers squirts his tar and easily catches He-Man and Cringer in it. I don’t understand how it only gets under them and not on them. Anyway, He-Man draws the power sword and, with one stripe, hits the tar off their feet, which doesn’t make any sense either.

225 17 Cutting Tar Gif

Sticky Fingers jumps on his Segue and takes off, knowing when to cut his losses. He-Man just stands and watches him go when Teela walks up and says, “He-Man. You got here after all”. He looks like he wants to say, “No thanks to you, bitch”, but instead he grabs a chain and goes after the pirate ship as it takes off. He throws it and gets it wrapped around the engines. He pulls on it with some might and rips the whole engine unit off the ship, which dutifully crashes. Apparently none of the pirate crew has perished and they’re all rounded up and captured. Perhaps they will be prosecuted for piracy after all.

225 18 Yanking Your Chain

Later, when Man-At-Arms has arrived and assures them that they are actually going to put these guys in jail, the villagers all try to credit He-Man with the victory, but he tries to spin it like the only reason they won was because everyone worked together. Orko, who arrived with Man-At-Arms, gets all boastful and claims that if he were there he could have just used his magic to make the pirates disappear. He tries to make Sticky Fingers disappear, which seems to me like it would just free him, but instead Orko makes Man-At-Arms disappear. We just couldn’t go one episode without a stupid Orko trick, could we?

225 19 You Did It He-Man

225 20 Orko Fucks Up Again

Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how there was a perfectly good teachable moment in how much Prince Adam achieved by thinking instead of beating the shit out of a bunch of pirates, but then they kind of already wrecked that moral when Prince Adam turned into He-Man and beat the shit out of a bunch of pirates. Hey, kids, why use your brain? It’s faster and more fun to just beat the shit out of your problems! Instead Prince Adam tells us that cooperation makes things easier, which has pretty much been said several times in this episode already.

225 21 Team Work

He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2

Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 10

IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Sticky Fingers
Alan Oppenheimer: Cringer, Man-At-Arms, Batty, Hisser
Linda Gary: Teela
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Leo, Lavama, Harro, Villagers
Erika, Scheimer: Rose, Frogman, Village Boy

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