“Revenge is Never Sweet” – there are several bullets in Osama Bin Laden that beg to differ. But, they didn’t know that back in the 80s, when our government was still training him to come and kill us later. We open in the desert where Prince Adam has Attak Trak jacked up while he tries to fix it. Teela just lounges around and watches. Cringer is napping, so Orko, bored as shit, offers to use his magic to entertain them all. Prince Adam and Teela tell him that he better-the-fuck NOT do that. Orko gets bent about it and wanders off into the desert, because this is the sort of thing that sounds like a good idea to Orko.
Not very far into his wanderings (like maybe 10 feet away), Orko is muttering about how it’s no good being a magician, if you can’t use your magic. A voice suddenly says, “Did I hear someone say he’s a magician?” Then, a giant turd pushes up through the sand and starts talking to Orko. The turd says that he’s a magician too, but Evil-Lyn turned him into a giant shit. Since Orko’s a magician, the turd suggests that Orko can help him. Just then Teela wanders over, and Orko says he’d rather hang out with Mr. Hankey’s fat uncle here than talk to her slutty face. Orko uses his magic and actually manages to change the turd back into his former self, and he looks just like that pirate guy from a few episodes back, but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be him, because his shirt is red now instead of blue. And he’s not Middle Eastern anymore.
I don’t know yet if he’s the same guy, but he’s not a nice guy. He immediately tests his magic on Orko, and as he’s gearing up, you can just tell he’s up to no good. “Orko, look out!” Prince Adam shouts, as he sprints toward Orko. Red Pirate (that’s what we’re calling him for now) agrees that this is a good idea, and for some reason, when we cut back to Prince Adam sprinting toward Orko, but instead it’s Prince Adam, Orko, Teela, and Cringer, all running together. It’s kind of impossible for that to have just happened, but it sure makes it easier for Red Pirate to use his magic to freeze all of them. The good guys taken care of, Red Pirate plots to lure Evil-Lyn to him so he smothers her with his big fat body.
As it would turn out, it IS the same guy as the pirate. His name is Kothos, and he appeared in Season 1 Episode 52. Except now, he’s wearing a red shirt and he managed to change his skin tone form middle eastern to caucasian.
At Snake Mountain, Kothos, gets Evil-Lyn and Skeletor on the video monitor (I guess it all works with magic?) and proposes they make a deal. Evil-Lyn is like, “WTF I turned that guy into a giant turd.” Kothos uses his magic, or iPhone, or whatever, and shows Skeletor his four captives. Kothos proposes that if Skeletor turns over Evil-Lyn to him, he will hand over all four of Skeletor’s enemies he has captured. Evil-Lyn is actually pretty shaken and wants Skeletor to promise he’s not going to make good on this deal. Skeletor says no, of course not. That is until Kothos offers to throw in He-Man, to sweeten the pot. Evil-Lyn points at the screen and starts to swear off Kothos, but Skeletor catches her wrist, because this is just too good to pass up.
Out in the desert, Kothos has loaded his captives up onto a raft so that he can shove them out to sea. He theorizes that He-Man protects them, and if they are in danger, He-man will come, which will give him the chance to catch He-Man and make good on his deal. Obviously, his plan has a fatal flaw. Out at sea, I guess the magic has worn off, and they all unfreeze. Orko tries to use his magic to get them back to shore, but his magic’s gone limp. Teela protests that it’s too far for Prince Adam to swim, but he does anyway.
Once he feels like he’s swum far enough, Prince Adam stops, which means he’s going to recycle some animation. On the shore, Kothos is getting impatient while waiting for He-Man. He conjures a giant wave to more immediately threaten his captives, thus apparently speeding up He-Man’s arrival, which is obviously directly proportionate to the level of peril. I thought they were going to skip the recycled animation for a second, but Prince Adam waited to trigger it until he noticed the tidal wave, so now I’m not sure if the conjuring of the tidal wave served to speed up or slow down He-Man’s arrival – technically, he was about to change, but then the tidal wave made him pause, so it actually took longer.
He-Man gets on the raft and paddles it like a boogie board. He tells everyone to hang on for the ride of their lives. He manages to catch the wave and rides the raft like a surfboard. Kothos is watching all of this from the shore and is delighted that He-Man has arrived. That pretty much means that Kothos has been able to see the whole thing, which should include Prince Adam’s transformation. At the very least, he – and everyone else – should notice that Prince Adam has disappeared and that He-Man looks just fucking like him. He-Man successfully surfs them to safety on the beach and assures Cringer it’s over.
Once back on shore, Kothos confronts them and Teela has some strong words for him. So does Orko – “You better cut it out!” he sort-of says sternly. I really didn’t think that Kothos would be able to subdue He-Man, but he actually does, pretty easily. He-Man is getting his sword out when Kothos conjures a helmet and levitates it over onto He-Man’s head, somewhat expediently. He-Man draws his sword, but quickly finds that he’s been weakened, and is basically helpless. Kothos conjures some cuffs for him to wear and then pretty much explains just that. He gets back on Facetime with Skeletor and proves that he’s captured He-Man.
Kothos asks if, having delivered He-Man as well (though his former captures are incomplete, since Prince Adam is missing), Skeletor will give up Evil-Lyn. Skeletor is like, “Fuck yeah, I can’t wait to get rid of this bitch”. Evil-Lyn is pretty pissed, but Skeletor assures her that it’s all a trick to get He-Man. He conjures a cage around her and she panics again. He says again that it’s all just for show as Beast Man pushes her out of the room and flies her off in a vehicle. I don’t believe Skeletor, but more interesting to me is the vehicle Beast Man is driving. I used to have that toy and completely forgot. If you look closely, there are spinning spikes around it, but on the toy version they were like, big knobs on the end in order to make it overly safe.
On the beach Kothos watches as Beast Man flies in. He conjures his palace, which is still fully staffed with slightly confused henchmen – confused because conjuring it made it lift off from it’s present location and float to some other location. I’m not exactly sure why Kothos is summoning his palace, but I suspect it is to take Evil-Lyn for his sex slave, which would truly be torturous. This way, if his palace is right there, he can get to boogying a little faster. Skeletor arrives and hands over Evil-Lyn. “Skeletor, this is really fucked up” she says. Skeletor is unmoved and says that He-Man is a better prize. He’s not wrong – she’s a butch lesbian and Skeletor has a bone for He-Man, who doesn’t seem exactly straight. I mean, it still doesn’t work out so well for Evil-Lyn, unless she can get Kothos to snag Teela along with her, of course. Then they could at least occasionally enjoy each other.
Kothos’ palace arrives and Kothos wastes no time carting Evil-Lyn up the walkway. Either he’s coming back for Teela, or he’s going to leave her behind. As they board, He-Man finds the strength to yell out to Evil-Lyn. He acknowledges they are ultimately adversaries, but also that he’s a motherfucking Dudley-Do-Right boy scout, and that if she uses her magic to free him, he will save her from years of stomach churning, soul crushing, sexual servitude with Kothos. Skeletor laughs and places his hand on He-Man’s shoulder, assuring him that he shares the same fate as Evil-Lyn does with Kothos.
He-Man’s making a lot of sense to Evil-Lyn, and she knows that she can trust He-Man, so she does as He-Man asked. Evil-Lyn uses her magic to vanish the helmet. Kothos immediately takes off in his palace, and is like “See ya, suckers!” He-Man breaks his binds and leaps to grab the ledge of the palace to save Evil-Lyn. Kothos successfully blasts him off, and as the palace escapes He-Man yells out to Evil-Lyn that he will save her. Skeletor uses a remote to activate the buzz-saw vehicle and sends it after He-Man and friends. Except, instead of chopping them all to pieces, it digs a big hole in the sand that sort of sucks He-Man in like quicksand.
At the bottom, where the blades are still spinning, they again don’t get chopped up. Beast Man goes to push a big boulder on them, but Orko uses his magic to conjure the helmet onto Beast Man, thus controlling him. He-Man stops the blades – which I notice are actually rounded on the ends just like the toy was – and uses one to fling Teela up and out. He picks up the vehicle (apparently, it’s called a Roton) and throws it after Skeletor and Beast Man, effectively chasing them away. Cringer asks if it’s over, and I really felt like it was, until I paused it and found I’m only halfway through the episode. “No, it’s not over. We still have to rescue Evil-Lyn, and it’s going to take half the damned episode,” He-Man says. I, and He-Man’s friends are not happy.
Teela realizes the unspeakable things that Kothos is going to do to a lesbian seagull like Evil-Lyn, and knows that she has to help her. Teela will never forget that night she camped in the desert with Evil-Lyn. He-Man opens up Attak Trak and unloads a couple of sky sleds. Cringer successfully argues that Battle Cat can’t fly a sky sled, so He-Man sends him home. Kothos is watching on a crystal ball up in his floating palace and promises to himself that if He-Man tries to rescue his new sex slave, he will be sorry.
When He-Man and Teela arrive, Kothos is still sitting at his crystal ball. Evil-Lyn is nearby in her cage and wishes failure upon Kothos, knowing that He-Man will not give up. Kothos conjures a little lightning cloud ball and levitates it out the window. It expands and immediately Teela and He-Man, still on their sky sleds, are encompassed in a lightning storm. Teela’s sled gets struck by lightning and she and Orko go down. He-Man is able to swoop under them and scoop her up, then swoop onto the floating palace.
Immediately upon landing inside, Kothos seals them in by surrounding them with a bunch of giant pillars that then begin to close in to smush them all. He-man gets a grappling hook out of the sky sled and tosses it up to a chandelier up above them, allowing them to easily escape. He punches a hole in the ceiling, which apparently leads right to Kothos’ bedchambers. He-Man sends Teela and Orko to go find Evil-Lyn while he tussles with Kothos. Kothos starts to run away, but then changes his mind and conjures a giant hand out of the wall, which captures He-Man and then turns to stone, holding him steadfastly.
Orko and Teela come upon the room where Evil-Lyn was being kept, which is guarded by a bunch of orcs. I’m kind of surprised Evil-Lyn hadn’t been carted to Kothos’ bedchambers by now. Orko uses his magic to try and stop some of the orcs from attacking, but ends up conjuring a bunch of flowers on accident. I guess because orcs find flowers repulsive, or something, it works and all of the orcs flee the room. Orko gets the key to the cage off the wall and wonders if they should really set Evil-Lyn free. Teela begrudgingly submits that Evil-Lyn honored her end of the bargain, and so they must keep theirs and set her free.
Kothos is telling He-Man how disappointing he is – after all the legends of his strength, only to be defeated so easily… Just then, He-Man flexes his muscles and breaks free. He-Man gets a little morally preachy now, even as close to the actual week’s moral lesson as we are, and tells Kothos that he too is disappointing – such a good magician, only to be so stupid as to think he would win at a game of vengeance. Kothos thinks he still has this in the bag, but invites He-Man to walk with him and try to convince him to stop. It’s a trick of course, and when He-Man starts to walk, he steps on a trap door and falls down a chute. He-Man nearly falls out of the bottom of the floating place, but he saw it coming and grabs the grate as he pops out.
Elsewhere in the castle, Teela opens Evil-Lyn’s cage. Like He-Man, she also feels the need to express her moral superiority and says, “If I were you, I’d leave this floating palace at once.” Evil-Lyn ain’t having it and plots to go find Kothos and turn him back into a giant turd. “Kothos had his revenge, now I want mine!!” Evil-Lyn shouts. She at least lets Teela and Orko off pretty easily, and just tells them to stay out of her way while she exacts her own revenge. We cut back to He-Man, still hanging from the grate. Fortunately, there is an open staircase before him, so he swings on the grate and leaps to it.
He-Man heads right up the stairs, where finds Evil-Lyn using her magic to hurl pottery at a terrified Kothos, shattering it on the wall all about him. Kothos tries to beg her to take mercy – after all, she did turn him into a turd. “But you locked me in a cage!” Evil-Lyn retorts, venomously. She fires on Kothos, but He-Man deflects the blast with his sword. Evil-Lyn remarks that they may save Kothos, but the palace will not be saved. She turns into a fireball, and I thought she was going to burn the mother down, but she rematerializes by the engine, which apparently is mechanically, not magically. The whole boundary between magic and technology is so blurry in this show.
Evil-Lyn fucks the engine up with her magic, causing the giant crystal ball to spin out of control. This causes the whole place to pitch and shift. Evil-Lyn immediately loses her balance and falls out of a window. Soaked, she sits up with seaweed on her head. “Who knows, maybe revenge isn’t such a great idea after all!” I guess Evil-Lyn REALLY hates seaweed! Kothos is pretty much freaking out because his palace is busted and about to crash. He-Man offers him a deal – swear off evil, forget about revenge, and He-Man will save the palace. It’s not that big of a promise, since there’s no continuity on this show – go right back to evil tomorrow, nobody will remember you promised not to. Kothos doesn’t even think about it and accepts the deal.
He-Man asks for the sky sleds and Kothos quickly shows him the way. He-Man flies off of the palace, but instead of just ditching all of them and saying, “See ya, suckers!”, he lands on the mountain ridge they are in peril of crashing into, and simply catches the palace and steadies it, which is apparently enough to fix the whole issue. Kothos is pretty fucking happy about it. Kothos actually does thank He-Man for saving his palace, including, apparently, the mechanics, as he lounges out on a chair, getting fatter. He-Man is like, whatever, dude, just don’t be evil.
Kothos promises he’s done with the revenge shit, but then he uses a thunder could to soak Orko to the bone with water. Unfortunately, Kothos is just punking him, and doesn’t electrocute him with lightning or anything. Kothos demonstrates the cloud’s crop-watering properties by using it to water, then grow, flowers out of nothing but the rocky mountainside. He promises that whenever any Eternian farmer’s crops need water, he will be there. That makes me wonder why they don’t employ Orko for that… oh, wait. It’s because he’d fuck it up.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it should be about how Orko had a lot more coming to him than to just get wet. If anyone should have revenge exacted upon them, it should be Orko! Really, this whole thing was his fault in the first place!! He’s the one that used his powers to turn the giant turd back into an even bigger turd, thus triggering the whole chain of events! Oh, and also, it should be about how nobody ever noticed that Prince Adam was missing – not even one person. Instead, Teela comes on-screen to tell us that there is no such thing as “getting even”. Rather, it’ll just keep escalating until someone loses an eye, or both eyes, and a finger, or all of their fingers, or even an arm. Well, you get the point. Revenge gets bloody.
He-Man murder count:
Season 1: 19
Season 2: 2
Episodes missing Skeletor:
Season 1: 28
Season 2: 16
IMDB Cast List:
He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Kothos
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Cringer
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn
Lou Scheimer: Orko, Orc Guard